How To Be More Of A Man: Masculine Confidence | Dr. Aziz - Confidence Coach

Do you feel the need to be more of a man? Is that something you tell yourself, like you feel insecure or inferior at times? I need to be more of a man. I'm not man enough. He's more of a man than me. Is that something that gets to you? And in this episode, we're going to explore how to be free of that, how to feel completely comfortable and confident as a man in your own masculinity. And it's probably different than what you imagine and maybe different than anything else you've seen. So stay tuned and watch this episode. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, and this is the show for you if you want to maximize your confidence in every area of life that matters to you, every area that's important. And this area is all about being a man and what it means to be a man and masculinity. And obviously, if you're a woman watching this video, you can get a ton out of this as well. You'll understand men better. And there's a similar set of rules and guidelines for women as well, but for men. That's what we're going to talk about in this video. So if you feel a sense of insecurity, inferiority at times in your life about being a man, I should be more of a man. You're not alone. It's extremely common, and it can trigger shame pretty rapidly in men. And there are certain triggers, and they come from these ideas of, like, this is how a man is. This is how a man should be. And I want you to think about that real quick for yourself. I'm going to share some of the three biggest ones. But what is it that you think that a man should be like? What comes to your mind when you imagine a man or you as more of a man, more masculine? What is that? You know, for a lot of people, they imagine sort of the alpha character, right? The alpha role that a man might take. He's in charge, he's loud, he's dominant. He always knows what to do. He's decisive, he's powerful. Right. Maybe that's one of the images that come to your mind. And there are specifics about how a man should be that we get loaded into our minds from culture. Depends on where you're watching this in the world. This is definitely true for America and true for a lot of countries around the world. And Joe Ehrman, who's an amazing guy, you should look him up if you don't know who he is. He's a ex football player turned preacher. Just an amazing guy. A lot of depth and insight, Does a lot of work with men around healing, masculine issues and father son stuff. But he has what he calls the three lies of masculinity. And these are the things that you learn. This is how you're supposed to be as a man. And I'm going to share these with you because I bet 1, 2, or maybe even all three can perpetually create a sense of shame or inferiority in you. So we got to clear this up right now and then talk about what it really means to be a man for you. So the first one is what he calls the ball field. So as young kids, men learn to be a man means to be good at sports, to be athletic, to be fast, to be strong. And if you are those things in school, when you're a kid, you get the respect of your peers, you get noticed, you get acknowledged, you get approval from your parents, maybe your dad or your mom or other people. I know that's how it was for me. If I was good at soccer, if I was fast, if I scored, if I did well, then I would get acknowledgement or approval. And if I didn't, if I wasn't good enough, I'd be yelled at, I'd be shamed, I'd be told that I was failing in many ways. And so we learn this, and you might have learned this as well. Like, in order to be a man, you gotta be physically powerful and strong and win at sports. That's the first lie of masculinity. The second lie of masculinity says your manhood, you as a man, is based upon the bedroom. So the ball field to the bedroom is what Joe Urman describes it as. The bedroom is your sexual conquest. How many women did you sleep with? You know, how much of a man are you? And that can go into all different areas. Not only how many women you've slept with, but how many different women want to sleep with you or when you have sex with a woman, how fast you get an erection. And if there's any issues with your erection or anything like that, if it's anything other than like, tons of women want to sleep with me, I sleep with tons of women and I'm rock hard every time. Anything other than that can create a wave of shame for men. They can feel less than, oh, I didn't sleep with as many partners, or, oh, not as many women wanted me, or anything like that can create shame. That's the second lie of masculinity is the bedroom. The third lie of masculinity is the billfold. That's what he calls so the ball field to the bedroom, to the billfold. And the billfold is money. How much money do you make? And, you know, it could be career success as well. You know, acknowledgement, accolades, power. Certain careers are not as money focused, you know, like in academics and stuff. People are more like, prestige focused. And like, you know, what have you published and how well known are you in the field? So that is sort of their version of money. But for a lot of guys, it's like, how much do you earn? And if you earn a lot, earn a lot of money, and you have powerful position in a company or in your own business, then you're a man. And if you don't do that, then you're not a man. Now, there's a reason, like, look, it's not bad to want to be good at sports or, you know, want to have sex or relationships or earn money in the world. These aren't bad things. It's just that when we get booted up, like, my worth as a man is based on my performance in these areas. And if I'm not amazing or perfect in these areas, then I'm a failure. That's what we got to watch out for. And a lot of men have one of those areas that they're better at than the other two, and they focus all their resources and attention on that. I've seen this all the time. So, you know, you're working with a guy who's really focused on the billfold in his career, and he doesn't want to touch the bedroom or physical stuff at all the ball field, because he's like, ah, no, I'm not good at those. Ah, I feel shame and bad. No, no, let's just focus on my career, you know, And I've seen that again and again. So we pick the one that we think we're gonna be good at, and we just focus all our energy on that. And look, I want to clear this up for you right now. Oh, by this way, there's one more I want to add that Joe Ehrman didn't talk about, but I noticed in myself, which is that a man fixes shit. And that's something that I picked up in culture as well. And I don't do that. And I noticed I would feel shame about that. So whether it's being able to fix basically any appliance in my house, the garage door opener, the dishwasher, the sink, anything Cars, mechanical stuff. I should be able to take it apart and fix it as a man, even though no one ever taught me, my dad never taught me. I never learned on my own. I don't really want to learn. I don't like doing it. But I should as a man. So I would have these occurrences where I feel shame, even though it wasn't values of my own. This is just what I learned from culture. So there's probably many other things, too. And you can take some time and think about and make a list. What does it mean to be a man? How should I be as a man? Because that's going to be very illuminating for you. Now I want to offer an alternative. And this is a new way of seeing, like, what does it mean to be a man? Because the problem with those original definitions, the ball field, the bedroom, the billfold, in a lot of ways it creates a lot of suffering. It can create a man who's very closed off. Yeah, you can earn money and you can have sex with women, and you can be athletic, but are you really connected? And that's why we have such an epidemic in our culture of men who are disconnected from their sons, boys who don't have a father or who have a father who's not emotionally able to slow down and be with them and be present and loving and tender and connected. So let's offer a new definition of masculinity, Something that's a lot more obtainable, a lot more core of who you are, and something that's going to allow you to really feel good about yourself now. So what are those elements? And again, this is something you're going to want to come up for you. These are just some of the core ones that I've seen. So the first things first, and Joe Ehrman describes this in one of his programs, which I love is, is that first and foremost, what defines a man is his ability to love and be loved. To love and be loved. What a different way to think about it than what we've learned, right? But the more I listened to him, the more I thought about it, I was like, that's brilliant. That's so true. Because think about this like a man is someone who can tell his children, I love you. A man is someone who can look his partner in the eye, say, I love you, or she says, I love you back to him, and he can receive it. And to me, that is a major sign of courage, really, first and foremost, because a lot of men are running after. We're trying to get the bill Fold. We're trying to get the sexual conquest because deep down inside, we're terrified. If I just had enough money, enough money, then I'd be worthwhile. And so to really slow down and be like, I, I love you, and have someone say, I love you back, and to feel it, that's like the greatest level of courage to be able to do that. So that, to me, is one element of masculinity. Another one is to be operating from a sense of purpose, purpose beyond yourself. And again, it doesn't have to be huge. Like, I'm here to rid the world of blank. It could just be, I'm here to serve my family, serve my partner, serve my kids. I'm here to serve my community. I'm here to work on this business and help it grow. Or I'm here to do something that's beyond myself. That's a key piece. And for me, a third one, which I would add, would be integrity. And what does that mean? That means I check in with myself. I see what's right for me, and I do that, even if someone else doesn't like it or someone else disagrees with me. I'm going to tune into my intuition and do what's right for me. And part of integrity for me is if I'm doing something, like, suboptimal, like, own up to it and clean that shit up. Like, I remember this was last summer. I had this little flurry where I was like, I'm gonna learn a martial art. Yeah. And I looked around and I was, like, really impulsive about it. Like, I really want to do it right away. And so I was looking around, what gyms would offer me the kind of martial art that I wanted to do that would work in my schedule. That was the biggest thing, actually, is I had to work in my schedule. And I found this Muay Thai class, and I didn't, like, it was a little far away. I didn't like that. But I was like, ah, it's worth it. I'm gonna do it. And I get there and I do the introductory class, and we're punching and kicking. I'm like, yeah, this is awesome. And. And they're like, great. You want to do it? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, great, so you got to commit for a year. And I was like, okay, yeah, yeah. And didn't even miss a beat. And I did it for, like a month, and I enjoyed it. But I was also like, I'm not crazy about this. Like, I don't know If I want to make this my main thing, and I want to stop. And so I decided to stop going. And here's the thing. For whatever reason, I think we lost it or it got breached or something. We had to change our credit card number. And so the credit card that they had to charge monthly was defunct. Like, it wouldn't work anymore. It would get declined. And so I was kind of like, oh, I could just, like, not show. And they don't really have. I mean, I don't think they'd take me to collections. Probably not. So I could just, like, never show up again, and they would have no way to follow up with me. And about, you know, a week after I didn't go, I got a message from the guy who ran the place and was like, hey, you're not coming in. What's going on? And I had this thought in my mind. I was like, I'm just not gonna tell him, and he can't charge my car, and I'm gonna run away. And then I sat with it for, like, a day, and I was just like, that just doesn't feel an integrity to me. It's just not for me as a man. I want to show up differently than that. So I'm gonna do the uncomfortable thing. So I get on the phone with him, and I'm like, I don't want to go anymore. And he's like, why don't you want to go anymore? And I tell him what's going on. Going on. So I face up and own up to it. And then he's like, well, you made a commitment for a year. I'm like, I know. I understand that, and yet I don't want to come anymore. So how do we sort this out? And he's like, well, we charge you for this last month, and then a severance, whatever. Charge you a couple hundred bucks. And it was like, oh, that stings. I might have been able to weasel out of that, but I was just like, okay, yeah. Hey, this is a good lesson for me to pay attention before I make commitments, right? So. So I said, sure. Gave him a new card, paid it off, cleared it up. And I felt so much better after that. So much better than if I'd let, like, a year go by to save, like, $200 and be like, but I don't feel good about myself. And that's. For me, that's one of my values, is integrity as a man. And obviously, women are going to want integrity as well, and purpose and the ability to love and be loved. But you know we're focusing on men in this video. So what is it for you? What makes you a man? What is it you want to bring more of into your life? And can you let go of that programming that tells you that you need to be more of this way? You need to have sex with more people and earn more money and be stronger and better at sports? What if you just didn't buy into that anymore? How liberating would that be? So share your comments below. What is your definition of masculinity and how to be more of a man for you? And subscribe if you like this video. Definitely stay tuned for more until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.