How To Be Outgoing

Do you want to be more outgoing? Do you feel like if you could just put yourself out there more and talk to people and freely engage that your life would be a hell of a lot better? Whether it's your dating life or your professional life or just your social life. And if so, you're right. Being able to be outgoing is an incredibly valuable skill. And I want to share with you today in this episode exactly how to do that. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, the best selling author of the Solution to Social Anxiety business edition and the founder of the center for Social Confidence, which is dedicated to helping people from all over the world rapidly break through shyness, self doubt, anxiety and just becoming a hell of a lot more confident and badass. And you can actually find out more about that if you go to socialconfidencecenter.com and this show is all about that. How do we be more confident? And I don't think just a little bit, but like 10x way more confident, 100x. I don't know, how far can we get with this stuff? I'm still exploring that. But I think if we keep working on this and keep applying this stuff, we can reach crazy high levels of confidence. That's what I've seen in my life and in clients lives. And today we're going to be talking about a super, super important topic which is how to be more outgoing. A very common question. I get this from a lot of people and I want to answer it in a way that's really going to serve you. It's going to help you apply it immediately in your life. You're going to, as soon as you finish this episode, you're going to know what to do, how to do it and exactly how to apply it. That sound good? Okay, so first things first, before I teach you, I'm going to teach you four ways to be more outgoing. And it's going to have a. Not the best acronym, but it's what I got and it's in a certain order. It's IBAs. I'm going to teach you that in a moment. Before I do though, there's one thing we got to clear out of the way because I could teach you those four things but you won't go do it until this is clear. And this is the idea that I am not an outgoing person. Your identity is going to get in the way. I'm a shy person, I'm an awkward person, I'm an introvert. And so we tell Ourselves, that. So therefore I cannot be outgoing. It's like we have a rule. This is who I am. I am this, I am not that. So therefore I cannot do that. And, dude, that is keeping you so limited, so stuck, because you are not that or that. You are this and that. You are it all. You can do a crazy amount of stuff that you've never realized. You just haven't developed it yet. You can be outgoing. You have that capacity. Everyone has that capacity, and everyone can develop that capacity. Now, you might not have worked it out. The muscle might be weak, but you can grow that muscle. You can strengthen it just by practice, just by applying what I'm going to teach you in just a minute. But you have to shed that idea. That's not who I am. This especially comes up with while I'm introverted. And guess what? I'm introverted. And all introverted means is I tend to recharge alone. I like some quiet time, some alone time where I can just sit by myself or work out by myself or go for a walk and not have anyone around and I can think things through and I just feel good afterwards. Whereas an extrovert, they go to a party and boom, they're energized afterwards. Whereas an introvert, you might feel energized, but you also might feel like, okay, that was enough. I got enough social contact. Now I need some alone time. You also might like slightly deeper conversations with one person. I love that I'm an introvert. That has nothing to do with your ability to talk to people, to start conversations, to engage in small talk, to be able to connect with others. And in fact, if you get more outgoing, you can learn how to be skilled enough to get the kind of conversations that you like. So as I said, I'm more introverted, but I've learned how to be outgoing. I've learned how to banter. I've learned how to have superficial conversations and small talk. And my preference would be to, you know, after I've done that with someone, maybe we drill down and have a more interesting, meaningful conversation. But that requires your ability to be outgoing. So shed any story that says, I'm this and I'm not that. You can do this all. It's just a matter of skill. You with me? Okay, so I can be outgoing. I can do this. And then how to do it, how to be more outgoing. Four things in this order. You ready? One the I. So it's ibas. What's the I? The I is initiated. If you want to be outgoing you must be willing to be the driver to initiate interactions with people. If you're waiting for someone to come talk to you, you're not outgoing, you're not going to get the results that you want, you're going to get ignored. You're going to reinforce your story that people don't like me because no one approached me. And it's all just in your head. You need to initiate. And I don't just mean, you know, walk over and start the conversation. That's part of it. You also need to be initiating, you need to be driving that conversation. So you go talk to someone and you say, how are you doing today? And they say, good. You still need to be initiating, right? Because the conversation hasn't caught any energy yet. There's no eventually a conversation, you can think of it like a fire, right? Eventually it can catch and it can just burn and you can have a two hour conversation with someone you just met. You can talk with a woman all night long and that's really fun. If you haven't experienced that, keep working on this stuff and you will. One of the best experiences in my life are those experiences. Just being able to be up with a woman all night just gets excited. There's energy, you're passionate, you're just sharing with each other. It's awesome. My wife and I will still sometimes do that even though we have two kids and it's crazy balls to stay up. Well, sometimes it's three in the morning and we woke up early and we're talking. We should get back to sleep. We're going to be so tired tomorrow. I know, but just one more thing. And it's an amazing feeling. So you can experience that. But the fire gets going right in the conversation. And when you first go talk to someone, you initiate, that's like you putting a little spark on the fire. It might not burn up in lighter fluid, right then. So you need to say, hey, how's it going? They say, good. You need to say something else to keep it going. So you need to not only initiate the conversation, but be willing to keep initiating to drive the conversation. That's the first thing. Initiate. Then you might say, well, wait a minute, how do I do that? That's where B comes in. You ready? B stands for blurt. I love this one. You just got to blurt more people. We get. So, so what's the right thing to say? And I don't know what to ask and that's not right. And, and we tell ourselves, I don't know what to Say. I just don't know what to say. There's nothing to talk about. I don't know this person. And those are all just stories. Dude. Your brain. Is that the second time I said dude in this episode? It's a dude kind of day. Dude. Dude, you can do this. It's. Our brains are idea generating factories. Have you ever been up at middle of the night or you're trying to get to sleep and it's your bed past your bedtime and your brain just won't shut the fuck up? It's just idea that. Think about this. What about that? Have you ever considered that worry about this plan, this. Yeah, of course. We've all experienced that. Right? Your brain isn't. It has. It has more ideas in it than you could ever write down or say in your entire lifetime. Probably in just like one or two days. Crazy amount of thoughts. So let go. This idea that. I don't know what to say. That's not true. What's happening is you're over filtering it. You're trying to figure out the right thing to say. You're trying to figure out what are they going to like or I don't want to upset them or what's the. You're filtering, filtering, filtering. Let that go and just blurt shit out. Just say something. Hey, how's it going? Good. What do you got there? What are you drinking? That's a cool jacket. Where'd you get it? I'm just blurting something. I'm just saying something. Whatever comes to your mind, that's how you keep it going in the beginning. That's how you initiate. It's how you keep it moving. It's just by blurting something super valuable. Turn down that filter. Then this is where you can really get into the meat of it and have a super awesome ongoing conversation with someone you just met. Now we're getting into the A, which is asking. So if you blurt something out random, you can do that once or twice. But then what? Then you gotta ask. And here's the thing. You wanna. Everything you're gonna say in a conversation is only one of two things. It's a question or a statement. So you're either asking or you're sharing. That's it. Study your conversations. Listen to other people's conversations. Everything that comes out of people's mouths can be one of those two things. So that's all you got to do. So ask. Start with asking. That's the best way. You want to lead in with questions with people you want to Be curious about them. You might lead in saying, let me tell you a story about myself. I don't know. Usually you want to start with questions and then talk about yourself. So start asking them questions. And that depends upon where are you? Are you meeting them? Are you at a meetup group? Are you at a class? Are you on the sidewalk? Are you in a coffee shop? Whatever it is, you want to start asking them questions and just start with basic stuff. What brings you here? How long have you come here? Have you done this meetup before? Have you done any other meetups? Sit down and write out the environments that you go to. Pick one of them where you want to be more outgoing, and sit down and write out five questions you could ask. People there actually do this stuff. We don't do it, and then we think, I'm just not outgoing. No, you just didn't build the muscle. You got to work out, man. So write out five things that you could ask someone and then go share those things. Ask those things with people. So asking questions. And there's a ton more about how to be really skilled at knowing what questions to ask, how to ask great questions, how to keep a conversation going. There's lots of questions. Then. So you got I B A and then S. Sharing. So if you just ask question after question after question and nothing else, they say, you know, how long have you been coming to these meetups? Oh, whatever. Five years. Do you go to any other meetups? Yeah, I go to this one and this one. Do you like that one? Oh, yeah, I do like that one. How long have you been going to that one? I'm just saying questions. It's a little weird, and it's a little disjointed. Right? So. So we want to share. We want to, like, say something before the question. Oh, that's cool. That's simple. But that's sharing, right? Oh, that's cool. How long have you been going there? Oh, that's interesting. I wanted to check that one out. When did you go? Right. So that's sharing. So when we bring that into the conversation, that can have a powerful effect on making it smoother, making them more engaged. So you want to share, and you can also share about yourself. You can bring in information. People think they can't share anything about themselves until they've been asked. No, to be more outgoing is to share. So you ask them a question. How long have you been going to this meetup? Oh, you know, five years. Oh, do you like it? Yeah. Yeah, me too. You know, it's Cool. I actually checked out a meetup the other day that was such and such and we did blankety blank there. And this is what I liked about it. You can share that with people you want to. In fact, that helps them get to know you better. Then there's more of a connection. So if you apply these things, you initiate, you blur, you ask and you share, you can be a hell of a lot more outgoing than you are. And in fact, if you want to go deeper with this, this is just, we're just. This is the tip of the iceberg in skill sets here. The confidence code in my program, it goes so deep into this. So it's two parts. The first part is all about clearing that inner stuff. I'm not a social person, I suck, People don't like me, boom. We just heal up all that self esteem stuff for you. So you can go and just show up fully open to interactions. Then there's five modules a whole part. Second part is all about the deep skill set on this stuff. From your body language to your voice tone, to how to approach people with confidence, to how to start conversations, we go deep in the questions to ask. How to create super engaging conversations. How to be fascinated in who you're talking to and have them become fascinated in you. How to share in a way that's dynamic. The levels of sharing, when to share what so you don't share too much in the beginning or you're not too guarded in the beginning. How to share in a way that's going to cause people to want to be closer to you. How to speak up and join into groups of people that are talking. And then how to use this in networking and dating and just being social everywhere. I mean, this is like the master's level course in social interaction and really being a conversation master. So if you really want to get being outgoing on a deep level, you got to check out that program. You can go to YourConfidenceCode.com to get started. I'll send you a free ebook when you do that. About the two steps to just massively increase your confidence today and a ton of resources. So if you really want to handle this and master this area, you absolutely can. Don't believe the story that says you're stuck in one way. It's just a matter of practice and putting yourself out there. And no matter where you started from, no matter how shy you are, no matter how nervous, you can transform this. So share your comments below. What's worked for you? What are great questions that you ask people? What are your favorite questions to ask people. Anything else that you've learned from this video or want to share with others, please share in your comments below. It really helps all of us out when we do that. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Sa.