How To Break Out Of The Shyness Prison

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's show. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm excited to be with you today because you're gonna learn today with me how to break out of the shyness prison. That's right. And really, you're going to learn how to be more free, because if you break out of a prison, metaphorically, you are hopefully going to feel more free, more socially free. And that's really what I strive for when I talk with anyone, when I work with someone. That's what I'm continually exploring in myself, is how do we be more liberated? How do we feel more socially free? And that comes down to a couple things. One is actually being able to do more things in the world. Like, you want to go talk to that person. You want to go dance. You want to go put something out there in the world, wherever your shyness might be holding you back. If you can do those things, then you're more free. And on top of that, we want to feel more free. Right? You want to not only just go dance, but you want to feel free while you do it. You don't want to be terrified and miserable while you're forcing yourself to do it. That's not full freedom, is it? So you're going to learn how to become more free in yourself, how to break out of this prison of shyness. So let's get into it. The first thing is we have to understand what is the prison of shyness, what is keeping us restricted? And shyness really comes down to two basic things. You can sum it up as this. It is the fear of judgment is the first thing. Afraid of other people judging you. And then the second part of shyness is as a result of that fear, you inhibit your behavior. You hold back. You don't go do something. You don't say something. You don't introduce yourself. You don't. You're not big in the world. You don't walk in a certain way. You just change what you're doing to try to avoid that judgment. And if you think about this, the metaphor of a prison is actually very accurate. It fits on really well. So think about shyness as a prison. So when someone is incarcerated in a cell, they are extremely limited. Their behavior is drastically limited. They can't go for a joyride. They can't go watch a sunset. They can't go play soccer. Really, they can't do anything. They're in their cell, they're trapped, they're stuck, they're imprisoned. They're incarcerated. And that's the point of being in prison. And shyness similarly puts you into a cell like that. So imagine this scenario. Let's say a friend of a friend invites you somewhere. So you have a friend named Bob. And Bob's like, hey, my friends Jim and so and so are having a party at their house. And you don't really know that many people there. You know Bob, but you don't know Bob's friend Jim or any of their friends. And if you're really stuck in that prison of shyness, then you might not be able to go to that party, right? You might say, oh, man, I don't know. I don't know anyone there except for Bob. I'm gonna be clinging on him all night long. Afraid. No thanks. So you're not literally in a prison, right? I mean, you're in your house or wherever, and you can have your car, walk somewhere, get on a train, you can move around, but you can't go to that party. So in a way, you are imprisoned, right, when you're stuck in that shyness. Or how about this thing? Let's say I'm laughing because this one reminds me of a client and it relates to my own experience. Let's say you're going to go somewhere and people are like, oh, yeah, we're gonna do this thing, and then we'll go dancing. I mean, that used to be like a lightning bolt for me. Like, oh, that sounds fun. Dancing. Like, my throat would catch and be like, oh, God. Oh, my God. I can't be in a place where there's dancing. It's gonna be so painful and awkward. I can't do it. No. So I would avoid it. No, no, it's cool. I got something I'm doing. I got a date with Warcraft 3 on Friday night. I'll pass. So I wouldn't go. So again, inhibited, held back, right? So really, this is what it comes down to. What was I afraid of? Well, I was afraid of judgment, so I was afraid of people looking at me and being like, dude, you can't dance. You suck. You don't have rhythm or afraid of going to that party where you don't know that many people and afraid of someone being like, wow, you're really awkward here. You. You suck. I don't like you. And so we're afraid of some sort of judgment, and. And then we inhibit ourselves. We don't do that thing. And it's like, the thing is like kryptonite dancing was like kryptonite for me. And it would, I'd want to on some level, but I couldn't. I'd be too terrified. It would be like it would kill me. And here's the thing, here's the reason why it's even worse in some ways than a real prison. Because in a real prison, the person's like, oh man, I'm counting down my time making hatch marks on the wall. I probably have some horribly distorted like sort of movie influenced view of old timey prison. I'm sure it's very different now. But you know, you're making the hatch marks on the wall and sort of the stereotype of the prison, like, I got 60 more days until I get out and I'm free, man. And the difference between the shyness prison and real prison is the shyness prison goes with you. It's like a portable bubble that you just kind of move around in and you move to a different city. And guess what? China's prison's there with you. You go to a new school, China's prison, new job, shyness prison. So you can't get out when you're stuck in it. I mean, you can. I'm going to show you how in this episode. But until you decide you're going to break free, that prison is going to follow you around. And the bar, what are the bars are the prison made of? They're made of. Of that fear of judgment, fear of disapproval, fear of someone looking at you and saying, I don't approve. I don't like you. I am judging you. I am having a judgmental thought. And it's like an electric fence in a way where you touch it and it hurts. So you pull back so you avoid it. To go with the bars. The bars are electrified. So you touch the bars and you're like, ow, that sucks. I'm not going there again. No, thank you. And what's worse is not just that the disapproval coming from the outside, there's also a lot of internal disapproval. And that's actually the key of how to get out of the prison. So in fact, that's what we're getting into after a brief break is we're going to teach you, okay, now you have a good sense of what the prison is, what the bars are made out of. Now we got to find out where's that key and how do I get the fuck out of this thing? Because my life sucks when I'm restricted in these ways. And so stay with me. In one moment, we're going to get back, and we're going to teach you how to find the key and how to break out of this prison to really transform ultimately the rest of your life. Because if you're more free and you can do more things, then your life becomes completely different. So stay tuned.

If someone tells you there is one magical thing you can say to any woman anywhere and her knees will go weak with lust for you, be wary. This sounds appealing, but it's just a sales tactic. In reality, creating healthy, lifelong confidence with women comes from transforming your psychology and practicing new skills daily. When you do this, the results are real, lasting, and more rapid than you can imagine. So when you're ready to ditch the pickup lines and make a real shift, check out Dr. Aziz Dating Program at 30days to dating mastery.com. your future girlfriend will thank you for it.

Welcome back. So now we're going to learn how to break out of this prison. And remember, there's two things. There's the fear of disapproval and then inhibiting your behavior. So first we have to address this fear of judgment and this fear of disapproval, because this is the main sort of containing force that's pulling you in and keeping you stuck. And we have to look at is what is it that you're telling yourself? Because really, it's a story in your mind. It's something that you do in your body, brain that you tell yourself, this bad stuff's gonna happen. I'm not gonna be able to handle it. And so we need to avoid it. Just like your brain says, aziz, don't touch. Your brain probably doesn't say, Aziz. My brain says, aziz, don't touch that stove. You touch that stove, it's gonna burn your hand. It's gonna suck. My brain also tells me, don't pet scraggly looking stray cats because you might get some weird ass ringworm or impetego or whatever that thing's called on your face. That actually comes from. I was dating a girl and we were walking in San Francisco and there's. And I used to just like, I love animals. I have two cats myself. Eventually I'm gonna get dogs. I mean, I just, I'm a huge animal lover, and so I'm walking down the street and every time I saw a cat and I oh, by the way, I grew up not having pets because my brother, damn him, Was allergic to animals. And so it's like, hey, Aziz, we know you love animals. You know your brother is allergic to Them. So. So here, why don't you have a stuffed animal instead? Oh, it was lame. And I loved stuffed animals as a little kid. But, I mean, at some point you're like, dude, I want an animal. And so the first thing I did as soon as I got my own place when I was in college, bam, I got a cat. Because I love animals. And I still have that cat today, and I love him and I never want him to die. His name is Calvin. So every time I'd walk down the street when I was a little kid, I'd pet animals because I'm like, oh, God, a cat wants my attention. This is so great. And so I. I kept on doing that into adulthood and walking down the sidewalk with my girlfriend in San Francisco, and I see this really cute cat. And some of the kind of scraggly looking ones are really hungry for attention. You're like, aw, no one's pet you in a while. So I squat down to pet him, and my girlfriend at the time is like, hey, hey. I wouldn't touch him. Like, why not? Look at him. He's meowing at me. He's like, I had a friend who pet a cat, and then the next thing you know, she got something called impetego. I'm probably forgetting the actual word. And if there's any medical professionals listening, probably shaking their head, they're like, you call yourself a doctor? I'm not that kind of doctor. But I was about to touch the cat and it was like, oh, shit. Impotega. What is it? She's like, oh, she got this horrible rash all up her neck. And then it crawled up over her jaw and into her cheek. And then the whole side of her face was red and pussy and itchy. She looked disgusting. She felt terrible. I was like, holy shit, I want to touch a stray. And I don't really pet stray cats now, or not even stray cats, but just, you know, a cat where you can't tell that it's like a really clean, well fed, indoor kind of looking cat. So I don't do it. So my brain says, touching that cat is dangerous. Touching that stove is dangerous. And right now I'm gonna bring it back to the point because you're like, that's a very interesting random tangent disease. But bringing it back is your brain says, judgment is dangerous. Anyone having a thought in their mind that is critical of me is dangerous. And guess what? You can't stop that. We can't even stop their own thinking in our own head. Someone could look at you and have A judgmental, critical thought and not even want to have that thought. They might even judge themselves for having that thought, but the thought has already occurred. And you're gonna try to orient your whole life about avoiding that thing in their brains. That's a fool's errand. It's never, ever, ever gonna work. People are gonna have judgmental thoughts. I mean, we do it all the time. That person smells. That person's too close to me. What's wrong with that person's hair? We're doing it all the time. So that's a. You gotta drop that. You gotta drop that perpetual concern that people are gonna judge you. But then you're like, but wait a minute. What about the judgments that they then get behind? Like, they look at me and they're like, he sucks. Yeah, I agree with that judgment. He sucks. Well, here's the thing. Fuck him. I mean, seriously, if you're gonna orient your whole life around trying to avoid this random person's stranger's judgment that you don't know, that's exhausting. What you're really doing is you are judging the shit out of yourself right now in your own mind. And you're imagining that other people are judging you to the same degree. I'm gonna say that again because it's so key. You are your own worst critic. And you are imagining, creating, fabricating, hallucinating that other people are having those same perceptions in their brains. It's made up. It's not true. It's false. For example, one guy I was working with had this thought that when he looked at them, he didn't make eye contact with people for years. Amazing story, by the way. So he'd wear these dark glasses so people couldn't see his eyes. Because he had the story, the belief, the idea that if he looked at someone in the eye that they would have the judgmental thoughts. This guy's weird. What's wrong with his face? Why are his facial muscles tight? He's looking at me in a strange way. I feel uncomfortable. I don't like this guy. I gotta get away from him. That's what he told himself. And so he operated based upon that belief. And that means he didn't make eye contact with people, so he didn't make them uncomfortable so they wouldn't reject him. Here's the thing. It was complete and total bullshit. And he actually came and did a weekend intensive with me. It was awesome. We went around Portland and did all these fun experiments. We actually roped people into doing 30 seconds straight of eye contact. With him, which is an amazing social experiment in itself to see how I could just go up to people and say, hi, I'm from the center for Social Confidence, and I'm doing a little social experiment. Would you. It only takes about 30 seconds. Are you interested? And we got, like, dozens of people, like, okay, sure. Yep. What is it? Oh, okay. Neat. Of course, a number of people said no, too, but it was amazing. So you just look at them in the eye for 30 seconds. I'd time it, and afterwards, I'd be like. I'd ask them, so, what was your experience? And sure enough, a lot of people were a little uncomfortable, like, oh, it's unusual to make this eye contact for this long, especially with a stranger. And I was like, did you have any thoughts about him or his eye contact? Was it. Was his face really tense? And I asked him all the questions that he was worried about, and every single person. And we probably did this with, like, 12, 14 people. Every single one said, no, no, no, no, no. And they're not just saying it to be nice, because I framed it as, like, an experiment, as if it was about them and their experience and they're strangers. Actually, afterwards, he laughed. He's like, wow, you really assembled, like, a, you know, crack team of all your friends and associates to pretend to be random strangers on the street. And he was just playing because he knew, like, wow. Complete and total BS in my mind. And that's the same for your judgments of yourself. I am completely awkward when I dance. I'm completely this. I'm completely that. That is you judging yourself. So we have to attack it at its root. We have to help you shift it at its root, which is helping you deal with your own judgments of yourself. And something I've addressed in previous episodes, and you can find it in my programs, in my book. I teach a lot about it. So I'm only going to go into one technique here, which is incredibly valuable, which is called the feared fantasy. And forgive me if I've already shared this in a previous episode, but, hey, repetition is the mother of skill. And if you really practice this stuff, it can truly transform your life. So here's what the feared fantasy is. The feared fantasy is you write out all the specific judgments you might have. And I keep using the example of dancing because that hits home for me. I mean, I spent years totally inhibited, terrified of dancing. Like, dance phobic man. I wouldn't even go to a place where there was dancing. And what were the judgments that I had if I wrote them out. It would be like someone you imagine, that really critical person, what exactly would they be thinking of you? Well, mine would be like, he looks really stiff and awkward. He is off rhythm, he's trying too hard. He thinks he looks good, but he doesn't. He's really awkward. He's worse at dancing than other people. Oh, now he thinks he's being all sexy and fluid and good looking while he's dancing, but he really looks like a fool. He's pathetic, so on and so forth. Really uplifting messages that really made dancing just a delight. Right? So what you do is you find out what these thoughts are. Usually people don't go that far. I didn't for years. You just know, you feel bad, you avoid the thing and you never really examine it. So that's what we're doing right now and I invite you and encourage you to do this with me. Your example might be dancing. I'm using that because it's an incredibly common example, especially for dealing with shyness. I mean, hell, most people who don't even consider themselves shy don't dance unless they're liquored up. So it hits home for a lot of people. But if you're like, no, dude, I'm a dancer. I don't have any of those fears, then find an area for you. Or whether it's talking to new people or asking that woman out, or starting a conversation with a stranger, or giving a public talk or speaking up at work or whatever it is for you, find it now so you can play along with me, so you can get the most out of this. Because listening passively is not going to change your life. Getting engaged, listening to stories, finding your own insights and then applying them in your life. That is how you're going to change your life. From listening to this show, which I've heard from people who've written in actually happens. One guy wrote in and said, dude, I listened to, like, at that time I had, I think 12 or 14 now. And he's like, I listened to every single one you had twice. And my life is completely different than it was. And he was really excited. He was a college student. He didn't have any money for programs or coaching or anything with me. But he's listening to the podcast all the way through and did all the action steps. And he's like, wow, like, this is incredible. And so I really want you to do the same. So we're going to work with the feared fantasy. What is that? Well, you get all the specific judgments that I just listed before as an example. And then you practice responding to them as if you were dealing with a horrible critic. So it would go something like this. And I'm gonna be. You know, it's best if you can get a friend to play it with you or do it on paper. But here's how it would sound with me playing both parts. You know, you're. Imagine these coming up to you and saying all these things. That's why it's called the feared fantasy. I learned this from David Burns, who's an amazing cognitive therapist. It's like the person actually goes in this, you know, horrible fantasy. They actually go up and tell you those things. They don't just think them. So he comes up to me and says, yeah, I saw you dancing over there, and, man, you are just really stiff and awkward. And I would say, oh, I'm glad you noticed me. Yeah, you know, I felt a little stiff and awkward when I was dancing. Yeah, well, it was really just bad. Like you were, you know, you were trying to be on the rhythm, but you just were not. Oh, really? Oh, that's funny. I was just trying to listen to the music and get into it and see if I could feel it. And I probably did miss the beat a lot, actually. Yeah, I'm still new at dancing. I haven't danced much in my life. The critic might say, yeah, well, I mean, at times you thought you looked good. I could see you trying to get into it and you thought you looked good, but you really didn't. You really looked pathetic. Oh, well, that's a pretty harsh judgment. I did actually feel really good at times and really got into it. And I honestly think that when I get into it, I do feel better. And sure, I probably actually look better. So I don't agree with that assessment of me being pathetic. I think it's actually really bold and inspiring for me to start dancing after all these years and so on and so forth. So you see what I'm doing there. I'm responding to the critic in several ways. One, sometimes I'm just accepting what he's saying and not accepting the underlying attack that I'm a shitty person. I'm just being like, yeah, I probably missed the beat now and then. And that's being back to the episode, the acceptance paradox that I talked about, that if you accept something, it loses its power. Or sometimes I'll challenge the critic. He's like, that's pathetic. I'm like, eh, actually, I don't think that's pathetic. So you see what I'm doing There I'm challenging this critic. So I encourage you if you want to go deeper in this, check out my book, the Solution to Social Anxiety. I go a lot more into it in there about how to really flush out the feared fantasy and how to do it with yourself. How to enroll a friend. You can get that book on Amazon.com youm can also get it on Audible and itunes now in audio format in case you're an on the go person. So check out that book. That's how to do the Feared Fantasy. And then we're gonna take a quick break right now and when we get back, we're gonna learn how to take it to the next level, which is do different things in the world. Now the first thing is the fear of judgment that's holding us back. The, the next thing is we're inhibiting our behavior. So what happens if we stop inhibiting? What happens if we stop holding back? And that is where the path to breaking free of shyness just accelerates. Instead of taking years, it can take months. And it's incredible what you can experience even in a matter of a few weeks of really throwing yourself into this. So stay tuned. We're going to get into that right after this.

Are you inspired by this radio show? If you're ready to take your life into your own hands, get a copy of Dr. Aziz's new book the Solution to Social Anxiety. One reader recently. Aziz has devoted his professional career to finding practical ways to break down the self destructive mindset holding you back and to developing exercises to create a new pattern of success. He's done his homework and he ties his advice to strategies that have been proven to work. But sometimes he can get you just to laugh at yourself, at the sheer ridiculousness of the toxic way you judge yourself and hold your yourself back. That can be the most helpful of all. Imagine a high school coach who stood on the sidelines during the big game screaming at his players, you suck. You don't even belong on the field. You're going to lose big time. Everyone is going to find out you are a complete fraud as a football team. That's what you're doing to yourself. You need to cut it out. This book will help you create a self reinforcing pattern of success rather than than a pattern of failure. Go to socialanxietysolution.com to order your copy today.

Welcome back. So the last step is breaking free is doing the things that are outside of your comfort zone. Doing things even though you're scared to do them. And this is the Major turning point is taking the little risk. It's just you deal with the judgments in your mind. You use the feared fantasy or something else you've learned, and you just take the action. You do. The thing that means in this example is you go dance and you go talk to that person. You explore that thing that you're scared of, and you just go do it. And that is how you start to break down that fear. So what you're doing is you're breaking the pattern of holding back and inhibiting. And so whenever you notice yourself holding back and inhibiting, you do the opposite. And this starts really small, like in your day to day. Notice how you walk around. Are your shoulders slumped? Is your head kind of down? I'm going to get a lot more into this in an upcoming episode about confident body language and confident body mechanics. But for now, just notice this. Is your head kind of down, shoulders kind of slumped. What would it be like to roll your shoulders back and bring your shoulder blades together, bring your head up as if there's a string kind of pulling you from the crown of your head. Breathing more fully into your body and having your sternum be upright and a little bit out, not like kind of like puffed up or you're overarching your low back, but just straight and aligned and breathing deeply and walking, striding through the world that way that in itself. When I first start doing this with people and I'm working with them one on one in person, they're like, oh, I can't walk that way. Really? Why not? Well, because I look like I'm trying too hard. I look like I'm all confident and strutting around. Yeah, exactly, right? What are the judgments? What are the judgments you're afraid of? And that's what you can always do in this process, is like, work with what are the imagined judgments and then find a way to fucking break through them. Because they're just stories. Remember the guy with the eye contact and walking around the street? Totally absurd, totally false. And your stories are true. Trust, trust me, no matter how true you think they are about, people are gonna judge this, people are gonna judge that. If you own it in yourself and you just move through the world with that being okay in you, then it doesn't matter. And sure, a few people might not like it, a few people might judge it, but the vast majority in your people, your friends, your girlfriend, your husband, your community, whatever, is gonna be okay with it. And if they're not, you find somewhere else. So you gotta step into that Stop inhibiting and moving in different ways. Just the first step. Then it's the activities that you do. So someone says, hey, you want to come to this party? You know, John says, I got a friend. You know, my friend of a friend has got this party. And you're like, yeah, let's do it. Okay, I'll give it a shot. Someone's like, hey, you want to give this talk? Sure, I'll do it. Want to take on this project? Sure, I'll give it a shot. And you just keep doing, you know, have you seen the. Probably Dating Myself now because one of the shows I watched a lot was Seinfeld. And that's, you know, old news, but hopefully a lot of people still recognize it because an icon of comedy. It's an incredible show. But there's an episode where George Costanza realizes that his life is a total failure. He's a failure in his life. He's never gotten what he wanted. He's living in his parents basement or whatever. He's like in his 30s or 40s, and he's just not living the life that he wants. And he says, you know what, what's gotten me here is following my instincts. And so what I need to do is I need to do the opposite of all of my instincts. And so he called himself Opposite George. And so he saw this woman sitting across the coffee shop and he's like, I don't wanna, I'm not gonna go interact with her. And he's like, wait a minute, that's what old George would do. I gotta do the opposite. What's the opposite? So he like walks up to her and just like confidently like leans in and says something to the effect of, hi, I'm George. I'm, you know, 30x years old and I live with my parents. And she looks at him, she's like, hi, George, I'm Amanda, or something like that. She's actually into it. She loves his honesty and it's awesome, it's funny, it's a great episode. But that's kind of what you want to be doing as you're working on this pattern of inhibition and breaking it is do the opposite. If you always say no to something, say yes and give it a shot. If you're not the guy that goes over and talks to that person, then go over and talk to that person. If you're not the person who chats with the cashier at the store as you're getting checked out, then chat with the cashier at the store. Keep finding the edge. Keep Doing stuff outside of your comfort zone, that is how you grow. And then on top of that, this is just a key thing is after you do the thing, you have to deal with self criticism that might occur. I call it the backlash. A friend of mine who I teach with calls it the shame parade where you go do the thing, you chat with the cashier, you go to the party, and then afterwards your mind's like, you suck. You didn't do it good enough. You weren't that, you know, no one liked you at the party. And it's just trying to keep you stuck. It's trying to put you back in the prison. And you just have to. I call that out and say, hey, you're trying to put me back in the prison. Nuts to you. Nuts to that. I'm gonna keep going. And then do some practices for self compassion. And you can find those practices in previous episodes of this show in the book the Solution to Social Anxiety or in the Confidence Code. I go deep into how to do self compassion and self esteem. Any of my programs have a lot about it. So just find ways to do that. But that's a key insight and that I didn't know for years. I thought it was just do the bold behavior. But you also have to learn how to take care of yourself afterwards. So that leads us to our actions. Time for action. Your action step for the day is to find out this, like, find one area area where you want to do something. There's something that you really want to do, but you know you've been holding yourself back and you might have even told yourself the BS story of like, I don't actually want to do it, but you know that's not true. You know you actually do want to do it, but you're just scared. Or find the area that you really want to do it and then look at what the specific judgments are that are holding you back. Work with them, write them out. Do the feared fantasy, do whatever you techniques or other ideas you have, you've learned how to work with that stuff and then go do it and then commit to doing it again and again again. Because the first time you dance might not feel great, but if you commit to doing it every week for a couple of months, hey, things might start to change for you. So you have to keep doing it again and again and again and committing to that process and you will break out of your prison of shyness. So thanks for joining me today. Let me know how this stuff works for you. Go to the show site shrinkforthshyguy.com Send me an email through that at hostshrinkforthshyguy.com Call the hotline, give me your questions. I love answering those questions on the show. I'll continue to do that in future episodes. And join us next week where we have an amazing interview with one of the leading couples experts in the world, Dan Weil, where he talks about how authenticity can really improve your relationship, how to use conflict to enhance things and and it applies whether you're single and you're looking to create a relationship, how to enter it into a way that's really going to be sustained and fulfilling, or if you're already in a relationship. I mean, he is the guy. So I'm incredibly excited to share that with you next week. Stay tuned. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

It.