How To Break Out Of The Cage Of Your Personality | Dr. Aziz - Confidence Coach

Do you avoid doing certain things because they don't feel authentic? It feels fake or phony or forced, like it's not you. And maybe that shows up in your dating life. You don't want to be a different way in dating because that feels inauthentic. You don't want to be a different way at work because that feels like you're just faking something. If you're experiencing that and it's holding you back, watch this episode because you're going to learn how to have a total different mindset around that. That's going to set you free. Welcome to today's episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, and this is a show for you if you want to 10x your confidence in every area of life that matters. Your career, your social life, your dating life, self confidence. So let's dig right into it. I was just speaking two days ago with a group of people, and we were talking about all things confidence related. One guy raised his hand and said, you know, Z, he's been getting rejected from dating for months, years. And he's like, I know I'm too much of a nice guy. In fact, I read your book not nice, and I saw myself on every page, and I know I'm being a nice guy. And then I looked up some pickup artist stuff online, and they say to be this way and be more bold and tease her more and not be so accommodating. Challenge her. And I'm like, yeah, that all sounds like great advice. Better than being nice. He's like, yeah, but then it's like, I'm just having a dating Persona. Like, I'm playing a role, and that's not really me. And I was like, I don't know if you really know who you are. I just said it. And he's like, that doesn't sound very good. Like, you know, who are you to tell me that? And I was like, well, I've gotten more bold as the years have gone on. I just cut right to the chase and, like. Because here's the thing. I said, look, here is the band of human behavior. Now, if I were to. It's bigger than that. Like, I'd probably step back. But, like, here is the band of human behavior, right? It's huge. What I mean by the band of human behavior is like, these are all the different things you could do. The clothes you could wear, the hairstyles you could have, the types of activities you could do, the motions you could do with your face, with your Hands with your body, everything, like all the ways that you can move and express and let life move through you is virtually infinite. So I said, watch this. I took everyone in the group. I was like, alright, everyone, clap your hands together. You can do this with me if you like. I encourage it. Clap your hand together. Okay, step one. Now bring your hands up over your head and then put them right on top of your head. Just bend down so you can see it. And then go like this, right? Doing the shark. Now, when's the last time you did that? Me, I just did it with this group two days ago. So for me, two days ago, before that, I don't know, maybe as a kid or something, I did it, maybe not. So that is a random behavior, a random action. Now, here's the thing. In the band of human behavior, that's possible, right? There's millions of things we could do. So I'm going to keep my hands on the screen here. There we go. Here's the band of human behavior. Here is your personality. Here's who you think you are. That here's the band of human behavior. All the different things you could do. Here is who you think you are. Here's your personality. It's just like the most narrow, repetitive. Do the same thing, dress the same way, eat the same food, talk the same way. You know, within this band is the volume of your voice. Not too loud, not too quiet. There's the, you know, the band. There's how much you laugh, the kind of jokes you'll let yourself make, the topics you'll talk about, the way you'll talk, how much you'll disagree with someone, the questions you'll ask them. If the questions are safe and superficial or more direct and honest, what you'll say to them. All of that is in that band, a tiny little band. And you say, this is me. This is my personality. And then what's unfortunate is you take a powerful message like what's in not nice? Or a lot of stuff out there that says, hey, you gotta be, you know, you got to be your authentic self. And we take this really liberating idea and we distort it into saying, oh, be my authentic self. All right, I know my authentic self. It's this really narrow band of behavior. Cool. I'm just gonna stay in there now. Do you see what that's doing? That's distorting a powerful, liberating insight into reinforcement to stay in your shitty little identity, Our little personality, and we don't even know we're doing it. I didn't know I was doing this for years. I, I would work up the courage to ask a woman out, we'd go on a date and she'd never want to see me again. Even though it was pleasant, I was affable. I thought it was going well. I thought she was into me and she wanted nothing to do with it. Why? Because I was operating in this band and I'd get frustrated, say, hey, I'm being me. What the fuck is wrong with them for not liking me, right? I should just be able to be me and the world should accept me. And it's like, well, you know what? You're probably not being you. You probably don't even know who you are. And so I said to him, you're not going to know who you are. Now, he might know who he is in other contexts, but I mean specifically in dating, you don't know who you are until you've experimented with more of the band of what it is to be a human. So if your way of interacting with women is you're very nice, you're very pleasing, you stick to safe topics, you're polite, you smile, you nod, that's your normal band. And it's not working very well, which it usually doesn't, then this, you read online or read this guy's book and it says, hey, you know, challenge her more, tease her more. You know, don't just smile and nod at everything. Disagree on topics that you actually disagree on. Let there be a little friction in your date. That's. Try it on. That's over here in the band of human behavior. That's a totally different way of being. Try it on. Is it fake? Is it phony? Is it forced? No, it's just you expressing more of the potential of you. And you do that for a Couple of dates, 5 dates, 10. Do it a lot though, because if you just do it once, be like, oh, that was phony, that's not me. No, do it a lot and see what's. You draw elements from it. I remember I used to wear like just the most simple plain clothes, like beat up jeans, T shirt, running shoes. That's all I would wear maybe a jacket now and then. I was in Southern California, so didn't need much jackets anyway. Then I was learning about studying, dating and other stuff like attraction online. And they're saying like, hey, you know, it helps if you got style and you're dressed nice. Like it increases your odds you have better chances with women. And I was like, sure, why not? And the guy Said this was from David d', Angelo's, one of his programs. And they said, you know, go find an attractive woman that dresses that's got great style and just see if she'll go shopping with you. And I happen to know a woman and so I asked her, I was like, hey. She was from la, she was very stylish. I was like, hey, can you take me shopping? And she's like, you know, finally like, I get to fix up this whatever, whatever you call outfit, you call that. So we go shopping and she suggests I buy shit that I never would have bought. And nothing crazy, but just like, hey, instead of those like $20 baggy jeans, I don't know why you're buying them like two sizes too big. You're not a rapper. What are you doing? So she's like, why don't you buy these like, you know, designer jeans? And I'm like, $200 or $180, good Lord, that's a lot of money, you know. She's like, well I'm like, alright, well I'll just buy like one pair of jeans and just wear them all the time. Anytime I want to be a cool guy, I put on my cool guy jeans. And instead of wearing like beat up T shirts that I would get from thrift stores, she'd be like, you know, a button up shirt, not this kind of, this is like more work ish. But you know, like, you know, the top buttons are unbuttoned and roll up the sleeves. I'm like, you just wear that around on a regular day. She's like, yeah, or like a shirt that fits kind of tighter, has some interesting logo or something on it or design on it, different sunglasses. And to be honest, I felt like silly. I was like, this isn't me. This is me. This is me. This over here is not me. But I was at that stage in my life where I was like, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Cause whatever the fuck me was, whatever I was doing wasn't working. And I knew deep down, like, I'm not a terrible person. I know I could find love somehow. I just haven't cracked this code yet. So I'm willing to learn and do something different. So I did. And I started wearing those clothes around and at first they were uncomfortable, but I was like, look, fuck it. All the people that I meet, all the women that I approach, they don't know that I just started wearing these clothes like a week or two weeks ago. So maybe that's just me to them. And so I started approaching them and lo and behold, looking cooler actually got me better responses. Who knew, right? So I started to incorporate it long after I actually ended up dating that woman who I. Who took me out to get those clothes. She was awesome. But long after that, I moved. Different city, all that stuff. I would go and continue to buy that kind of clothes and nicer clothes. And I did that for many years now. Now I'm married, got two kids, the beard's growing out, work in my studio, do a lot of phone calls for work. What do I wear? Super simple stuff, more like activewear, comfortable clothes, real basic. I just have like. I simplified my wardrobe last year to just have like very little of everything. Like four pairs of pants that are almost the same, bunch of shirts that are just like monochrome, like white, red, blue, and only like 10 different pairs. Just like no decision making in clothes. It didn't matter to me at that point. So now it's a different way now down the road, later on, maybe when I'm in my 40s, I'm going to be like, it's time for me to be stylish again. And then I'll start wearing, you know, fancy bespoke suits or something, I don't know. But who knows? So I kind of return to a set point that feels right for me right now. But you don't know where you are until you practice and do a bunch of shit outside your comfort zone again and again and again and again in all different ways, from the clothes you wear to the hairstyle you have to the way you talk, the way you move, the way you express yourself, the smile, the energy, your facial expressions, your voice, tone, everything. Experiment as wide as you can and see where you actually end up. Because you probably the limited you is not who you really are. Awesome. So share below. What are you learning? What are you discovering? Subscribe. Hit the notification bell so you can get these videos as soon as they come out. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.