27 Jun 2018 · 37 min
Dr. Aziz and Amber explain how to make people glad they talked to you. Share opinions with energy, listen closely, offer compliments, and give people something interesting to think about. Contribution creates real fulfillment, not just a quick hit of pleasure.
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Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Yo. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Thank you for being with us here today. And you're not just here with me. You're also here with my coach, co host Amber. Amber, what up?
Hey, guys.
Yeah. And if you want to find out more about this episode show notes, you can get a free copy of my eBook, Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence, all at the site for the show, which is shrinkforthshyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com that's a great place to get additional resources. And if this is a little bit random, but someone recently told me that they listened to this podcast and they just discovered my YouTube channel. And they're like, ah, I didn't know about it. You should be telling people about it. So I was like, doesn't everyone just go to YouTube all the time for everything? But maybe not. So if you like this show and you want more, you can go to my YouTube channel. Just go to YouTube and type in Get More Confidence. It's the name of the channel, straight to the point. And there's a lot of stuff, tons of videos, some short, some long, and all topics, you know, everything about confidence in your dating life, your relationships, your career, self confidence. I mean, I could go on and on. And that's a great way to keep learning and growing. Because if there's one thing I want people to get from anything that I teach is that confidence is a skill. It's an inside job. You can learn it, you can develop it, you can generate it and then use it in your life. And you don't have to, I don't know, have someone like you or earn a certain amount of money or get a certain car or finally get married. And then I can feel confident. It's like, no, no. We want to build this inside of ourselves. And then a lot of the great external stuff happens as your inner confidence shifts. So along those lines, we're going to talk about today a topic that I think is going to be very useful for all areas of life, socially, relationships, career, which is how to bring value to any conversation that you engage in. And sometimes this is something that might be new for you listening or maybe never really thought about it. It's like, bring value like money, what. So let's start with what that even means and then we'll talk about why that's important and then how to do it, of course. But let's really kind of introduce the topic. So bring value to a conversation for you, Amber, what does that mean?
It means you have an interaction that's worth having.
Pretty simply that doesn't feel like a waste of time or something.
Yeah, like you're glad you had it, you're glad it happened.
So that means after interacting with you, the person feels glad that they interacted with you.
Exactly, yeah.
So you're bringing. And so what is the value? Is it they get something. What are kinds of value that you've seen?
For example, you might talk to somebody and after talking to them you feel really inspired. Or after talking to them, you have a lot of different opinions and ideas in your mind and it gives you something to think about for the next four hours. Or you feel really good about yourself because they said something really nice about you. Like, I know in your dating mastery program you have the exercise, the daily mission where people do drive by compliments and that's a way to add value to somebody's day. Or it gives you something to laugh about, or it gives you something to get angry about and talk to your friends about, or just something that breaks up your day or breaks their pattern and makes your life a little bit more interesting.
Yeah. So there's a number of things there, right. It could be something that's interesting, it could be something that's thought provoking, something that's funny, something that builds a sense of self esteem or attractiveness or whatever. But they leave feeling better, better than before you were there, before you interacted with them. And I think this is an extremely valuable mindset. And it goes beyond just a conversation. It's just in life, how can I add value? One of my mentors, that's the question he asks himself every day, is how can I add value and bring something? And whatever it is, maybe he's at a work meeting or doing a project or even in his family life, it's like, how can I add value? Now? You don't have to go crazy with this and be like, I'm nothing and I must give something or else I suck. You know that anything that gets co opted into some sort of self attack and self loathing, never beneficial, but just from a centered place of like, look, I want to contribute. And this is something that's really interesting is that, you know, what we think is going to bring us fulfillment and what actually does are very different things. We have been, we naturally think this and we've been conditioned by society to think this, which is pleasure, is going to bring me long term fulfillment. And I think we naturally think this because in the moment pleasure feels good. And by pleasure I mean something that's really, I don't know, feels good in your body. A candy bar, a drink, alcohol, something like that. And we've also been conditioned to think that way too. I mean, that's what the whole marketing industry is based upon. It's like Coca Cola equals happiness, McDonald's equals happiness. And so we've been conditioned to think that way. But the truth is actually that long term fulfillment comes from different things than short term pleasure. And what it actually can come from are things like deeply connecting with another human face to face or over the phone or something like that. Not so much like texting and social media. That doesn't seem to trigger fulfillment for people. But here's another really interesting one, contribution. And that could be widely interpreted to mean many different things. But you know, adding value and having the mindset of like, how do I add value to people's lives today? Or when I converse with this person, I want them to leave feeling better than when I started talking to them. But that contribution oriented mindset actually can create lasting fulfillment in your life, in your day to day. So this is extremely important. Basically it helps you, it helps others. So let's talk more about how to actually do that. So I have some ideas, but let's hear what's one of your tips. Amber, how do we bring value to conversations?
So first of all, let me tell you how, why I even thought about this. I was coaching a client and we were meeting up in person and I had a challenge for him to go into this clothing store and just strike up a conversation with one of the women who was working there. And I asked him how scary he thought that would be. He was like, oh, that's like a two like just talk to someone. There was no, no pressure to get her number or give her a compliment or anything like that. Just to talk to her, have an interaction. And we went in the store and he was kind of circling her for A while. And.
Like the shark circle that always. It doesn't always go poorly, but it certainly detracts from. It's always worse than just the straight approach. But go ahead.
Yeah, so he was doing that, and I was just kind of near by to see how it went.
Two out of ten. My. My ass. There's no way you'd circle on a two, but go ahead.
And so he was kind of just like, standing there, and he got closer and closer. And then I was in there for like 10 minutes, and I came up to him. I was like, what's going on? And he was like, like, I can't do it. I really just can't do it. I was like, okay, let's just go outside to talk for a second. And I was like, what are you thinking about? Why are you so nervous? And I thought this was a two. And he was like, it's more like an eight now. And he said. I was like, well, what are your thoughts? What are you thinking about when you're waiting to talk to her? And he said, I'm just thinking. I don't want to disturb her. And I thought that was so interesting that he thought if he interacted with someone, he'd be disturbing them. Like, taking away from their day and giving them a negative experience just by talking to them rather than adding value. And I told him, I used to work at a clothing store, and it's a really boring job, and a lot of the time you're just kind of walking around and looking busy. Like, if there's nothing really to do, you're just pretending to fold stuff. And I loved it when people would talk to me. If anybody could say anything to me that wasn't about a pair of jeans. If we could have any other conversation that would just make the next hour and would just make me smile and make me so happy. And I always tried to talk to people, but a lot of times people are more concerned with just shopping, getting what they need, and getting out. So I love those interactions where it was actually not about a pair of jeans. And I just thought that was really interesting that he viewed the way that he interacts with people as a negative experience for them rather than adding value.
Yeah.
And I'm sure that girl in there would have loved if somebody just said, like, she was just folding clothes. And I. I know what that's like. She's probably really bored.
Yeah.
So she probably would have loved it if he came up to talk to her for no reason.
And here's the thing. I think we Want to get to a place in our self esteem and maybe our conversation skills too. So it's backed up. Not just, you know, we think we're great, but we actually know we can talk with people and connect with them, but we want to get to a place where we think, think and know and feel that our presence, our engagement with someone is adding value no matter what. So if they're bored and looking for some. A real conversation to have, that's, you know, that's maybe even more obvious. But I mean, even like a stranger that's going about their day or someone at a party or someone in the break room at work, like where they're not necessarily totally bored and maybe there are. Maybe they're even doing something. Like maybe they're talking with their friend at a cafe and you might be like, whoa, God, that would be terrible. There's no way I could add value in that situation. It's like, no, what if you got to a place where you saw and it wasn't just made up? Like you really felt and believed? Like, interacting with me is going to add value. And if we have developed that and sculpted that and practiced that and know that not only do you are you obviously much more confident and capable to approach people, you also orient yourself to make that so to be congruent so people do enjoy interacting with you. So I think that's really the place that we want to get to is that level of certainty that your presence adds value. And I think that's like the. That's a really big turning point for people. It's like my people think of their presence as like this black hole that's gonna like suck life and goodness out of the world. And it's like, no, you're like the opposite. You're like a star. You know, your presence is gonna bring something. And then what I'm excited to talk more about is like the how to add value. Cause I think someone listening so far might be like, oh, shit, that's a lot of pressure. Like, I'm not so great. And I'm excited to demystify this because it's not about being great. It's not about like regaling people with your tales of, I don't know, conquest and voyaging and the Amazon or something like that. It doesn't have to be that dramatic. Just we're going to talk about how just to bring value just by being you.
Right? So one way that I would add value is by having an opinion. So I think a lot of people, in an effort to dull themselves down, to not really get a lot of criticism, and to avoid negative interactions, try to make themselves like a kind of a blob. I feel like I've used that term before with you, but I like it.
I like it every time you do. I don't think it's a word that I ever really use, but I just. I get such a great image. I get like the. I don't know. Do you ever play the original Candy Land?
No, I didn't.
You didn't? Oh, my God. There was, like. For anyone listening, if you play the original Candyland, there's. I don't know where it was. I think it was in the upper left. There was like a chocolate blob. He was like a melted blob of chocolate ice cream or something. So every time you say blob, I, like, think of a human that kind of looks like that.
My image is like a gray jello blob with nothing distinctive about it.
It's the worst kind of jello. I don't even know what flavor that is. Gr. That's flavorless jello.
So, for example, I was talking to a guy randomly in the street because I was interviewing people for an article that I was writing, and he had no opinion about anything that I asked him. So I asked him, would you say that you're a confident person? And he was like, yeah, I guess it's like, well, what really makes you confident in life? He's like, nothing really in particular. And I was like, well, what are your goals in life? Or what are you excited about in the future? He's like, oh, I have a job now, and I'm just going to finish that. And I asked him at least six questions of that sort, and he never gave a distinctive yes or no. Yeah, he wasn't excited or angry or sad or happy or ecstatic about anything. So everything was neutral. And he didn't really reflect on what I was saying. So it was kind of a dead end. And, like, I don't have a lot of conversations like that where I really don't know what to say. But it gives the other person very little to work with or reflect on or to ask more about. And I think we do this in a lot of situations. So somebody will ask you, oh, what'd you do last night? And then you'll say, oh, I went to the movies. Like, oh, what'd you think about it? And like, yeah, it was good. Like, have an opinion about it. Be either excited about it or really disappointed or, like, I just did not get that movie. Have a kind of Be alive.
Yeah. Yes. Don't be gray jello. And that's what we're talking about. So the fascinating thing about adding value is it's you being more authentically you is the best way to do that. There's other tips, too, but this one is so important because you don't. And it's this really kind of circular spiral or trap where people are like, well, I'm not. I'm not that interesting. I'm not that great. I don't really add value. You know, look at just little old me. And then, as a result of that story, inhibit themselves. Don't speak up. Don't share opinions. Don't even develop opinions or thoughts, or they just doubt themselves too much to really have clarity. And then they show up sort of that way as a blob in conversations. And then they get the feedback that they don't add value. And then that reinforces the story and down and down and down. And the alternative is like, being alive, letting your interests show, letting your ideas show, and letting them be expressed. It's about expressiveness here. And I love the example of movies because I feel like I'm. There's so many different ways. If there's a movie I'm excited about, I'll just, like, not only share what I'm excited about, but, like, why I really like it. I don't know if. I don't know if we've talked about this, Amber, but the Planet of the Apes movies I'm obsessed with, I think they're awesome. The new. The newer ones, the reboot, and I swear I'll, like, tell someone why I like that movie and what I like about it. And they even ask me. I'm just like, oh, my God, dude, this movie is so amazing. You have to watch it. And whether they do or don't, it doesn't matter, right? It's because then there's. There's me there, there's energy there. I think this is so important to really connect with others.
So the way to sum that up is energy. That's what adds value, no matter what it is. And I think people are worried that they won't have the correct opinion. But the point is, it doesn't really matter what your opinion is, as long as you have one, right?
Well, I guess that's a really clever way of extreme conflict avoidance. It's not even really conflict avoidance. It's just friction avoidance, where it's like, ooh, if I have an opinion, they have A different one. There could be friction. I know if I don't have any opinions or don't express any opinions, then there'll be no friction. And it might be true, but it also leads to no energy. Right. Because if there's no friction, there's no. There's just nothing. Just blob. It's Candyman blob. Yeah. So another way to add value in the interaction, to be expressive by your own perspective. But it's also, and this relates to a previous episode we recorded about conversation skills and parties and such, but is to be genuinely present in the conversation and, like, really looking at the other person. And this might seem simple or how could that be sufficient? But you would be amazed once you get. Once you start to get really present and really, like, be looking at someone as they're talking, you will be amazed to see how many, maybe even most people are not that. And so here's what I mean by present. Let me flush it out a little bit. It's like you're interacting with them, and when they're talking, you're listening to them. You're trying to, you know, you're seeing what they're saying. You may be even noticing, like, their emotion underneath their facial expressions, their eyes, their hair, the. The way their head and face looks against the backdrop of whatever's behind them. The sky, the building, the clouds. Just like, you're really there. And instead of, like, thinking, thinking, thinking, what are they saying? What am I gonna say next? You know, you're actually way more centered. Your attention might even be also in your body so that you're just, like, breathing and listening and curious and that little subtle shift. And I've seen this again and again at the live weekends. We do. Depending on. We do this more in some other than others. But some of them will have these exercises where we really have people get present with each other. And it's amazing the energy difference that people feel and how all of a sudden, relaxed and good they can feel when someone's really present and paying attention to them. So that's the value that we add is if. Just know this, that people feel good when they get that presence. And to know. To really understand this, just think about this. If you were talking to someone and you're sharing and they're kind of like, yeah, huh? And then they pull out their phone and they're like, they're flicking. That's an extreme example. It feels shitty. You're like, I don't want to talk to this person anymore. This doesn't Feel good. So the presence is the extreme opposite of that. And that just feels instantly nourishing and engaging for people.
That is so true. And I see that all the time. I remember I first learned this from Matthew Hussey, and he has a program called Impact Program. And he taught me in there that whenever you're talking to someone, it doesn't matter if a glass drops or there's a car crash behind you. Keep eye contact and continue to listen to them. Because there's almost nothing worse you can do to someone than being distracted while they're sharing, like, pouring their heart out to you. And I saw this with somebody recently where they asked an artist. We saw her art, and she was like, oh, so, like, what do you like to paint or what inspires you? And the artist started telling her, and then she turned around and, like, walked away and started talking to someone else. And I could just see the look of disappointment on the artist's face. Like, wow, what I said obviously really didn't matter.
Yeah.
And it was. It's really rude. But it also makes the person feel, like, very. I don't know, like. Like their opinion just didn't matter. And that's one of the worst ways to feel. Like, nobody wants to feel that way. And you. So that's how it makes them feel when you don't. When you're not present and you're not listening to them. But you can also make them feel the opposite way, which is really valued and heard. And, like, they matter by being present, like you said.
Yeah. And I think one of the blocks to that is our own self absorption out of fear. Like, our ego's scared. Like, oh, am I going to be judged? Am I good enough? And so we're thinking about what they're saying and what we're going to say next. And maybe we have an agenda, too. That makes it even worse if we have an agenda, like, I got to get their number or I got to get this person to like me, so then they'll want to do business with me or want to be my friend. And then we're in our. So not only are we in our head, but we're in our head trying to, like, control and manipulate the situation. And maybe then we're also anxious about that. Like, oh, maybe I won't be able to, and maybe I'm not good enough. And all of that just pulls us right out of our heads. And what we want to do is we want to shift our focus from ourselves and that self absorption to just, like, to contribution like just trusting and knowing. Like looking at this person, listening to them and is adding that value. I'm giving something to them that maybe they don't get. And I really want to highlight this because I don't want you to underestimate the power of this. They might not be getting deep presence anywhere in their lives. There might be no one who actually really slows down and listen to them. And you might think that sounds extreme, but just go to a restaurant now and look at families eating and how much of the time people are on their cell phones and how one person leaves to go to the bathroom and the other person pulls out their cell phone. It's like. Or the cell phone is literally out. And that's just one very obvious manifestation of lack of attention and presence. But even without a phone, it can be more invisible, but it's very felt. And you don't need to be exceptional. You don't need to be the greatest storyteller in the world. You don't need to have crazy, exciting shit going on in your life. 24, seven airplanes and parties and whatever. It's just, can you really slow down and look at someone and be with them and listen to them? And here's the thing. Everything that you need to say next is going to come from being really present and listening to them, rather than you planning it all out in your head ahead of time. So not only is it going to help you bring value to the conversation, it's also going to help you be able to keep it going and communicate better. So let's see here. Any other final tips that you have, Amber, on how to bring value?
I would say give them something to think about. That's a really great tool in conversation. I remember my boyfriend and some friends of ours, we met up and there was a new guy there, and it was kind of all couples, and him and I spent a good hour and a half just talking to him and getting to know him and asking him questions and challenging his opinions. And at the end of the night, he said, you know, I really value your opinions. And he also told my boyfriend, he's like, good job, man. And I thought that was so interesting because I didn't actually recall sharing my opinions. I was just really inquisitive about his opinions and gave him something to think about. And I think he kind of interpreted that as me sharing my opinions when really I was just challenging his thoughts and giving him more things to think about. So I think we said that it's important to have an opinion about things, but that also doesn't mean that you just constantly need to make sure everybody knows your opinion about everything.
Yeah.
You can also just give more thoughts, like, food for thought. That's what I mean to other people.
Sure. And a lot of it's really just like turning down the filter so they share something and you can share your thought or reaction or feelings about it. And you don't have to be like, oh, neat. No matter what they say, it's like, that's not where the value is going to come from. Just having someone who silently nods and agrees with everything they say doesn't actually bring as much value as another human. That just bounces things off of them, reflects things to them. And I think another final tip I would share is just being expressive about two things. One is something that you're really interested in and you don't have to wait for them to ask the question. Right. That touches on that exact thing. So I don't know, let's say you're. The kind of stuff that comes up in my mind is so random these days because my little son Zaim, who's 4, is just, like, fascinated by so many things in the world, which reawakens my fascination.
And.
And one thing recently was stars. He's really interested in stars. And so we were watching this little video on YouTube of how many Earths fit into the sun. And that's an interesting factoid in itself. Amber, do you know how many Earths fit into the sun?
I don't.
1.3 million.
Oh, my God.
1.3 million. So they have this little video that shows like, here's an Earth and here's our Earth. And it zooms out and shows like, the sun next to the Earth. And you're like, oh, my God, look how tiny that Earth is. And then it zooms out and shows another star that's like equivalently as big. And the sun becomes this little tiny thing, and then it shows another star where it's like that the other huge star becomes like a tiny little pin. And you're just like, what the fuck? Like, this is crazy. And so I just watched that video with my son earlier, and then I was met up with a friend and his wife, and I was talking with them, and kind of out of nowhere I was like, oh, my God, I saw this video, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I shared it. And then we had this little interesting conversation that came out as a result from that. And so like, your energy, your enthusiasm, just don't dismiss yourself, don't invalidate yourself. Like you and your energy around things. So just let yourself spontaneously share some of those things. Doesn't have to be everything, but just targeted here and there. Really brings something to the conversation and might give them something to think about, like how big stars can be. And the other thing I would say to be expressive about is gonna sound cheesy, but love. Now, you probably don't tell people you just met that you love them just from, you know, what that word means in our culture, but lesser versions of that, which would be positive regard, a compliment, what you like or appreciate about them. Don't under. Man. The value of that is huge. And people that are really charming and charismatic, if you pay attention, they are very skilled at casually, or sometimes very sincerely, pointing out what they like about someone, even very early on, even, like, instantly upon meeting someone, and in very casual ways, maybe right away, just, you know, oh, I like your jacket, or something like that. Just very casually, right as they meet, and the person's like, oh, thanks. And that adds value. And then, of course, maybe they've talked for an hour or something like that. Like, you know the example with your boyfriend's friend where, like, they sincerely say, like, wow, I really value your opinion, or, wow, you know, it's really. It feels really good to talk with you. Like, you're just the way, you know, the level of depth you have when we discuss these things is really fun to be around or something. Like, just. It's vulnerable to be more expressive in that way. But when we do, we add value, and people really appreciate it. They remember it. And at the end of the day, they usually want more. They're like, that felt good. I want to be around that person more.
Somebody who notices what's special about you. Yeah, that's amazing. That's an amazing feeling.
Yeah. Yeah. And even that. Yeah. What's special about them? I mean, who doesn't want to have that reflected? And one other thing I thought, which I wanted to mention earlier, but I didn't. One thing I like to throw in all my conversations is this. You know what your problem is? And then I say their name. You know what your problem is, Amber? And then I say something usually, you know, critical, sort of pointing out their flaws. That's one of the ways that I found that I add value to conversations by establishing that I'm superior dominance. You know, Your problem is you suck. Yeah, no, no, not that, but no more. So I don't know if you'd actually say, you know, what's special about you, because people would be like, Maybe you'd say that, but you know, you know, you know what's really cool about you or you know what's really unique about you. But yeah, and point out what they're special. It's. It's. It's pretty awesome. So, so many things here in terms of putting this into practice and taking this into action. So your action step for today is going to be to take one of the. Maybe there's got so many different ideas here, but one of these ways of adding value and look to apply it. And so first things first, just set your intention. It's like, okay, today in my conversations, I'm going to look for opportunities to add value. And you actually might find different things that we didn't even cover in this episode, ways that you add value. But maybe picking one from this episode that in the right moment, you'll see the opportunity for it and applying it. How can I add value? Just ask yourself that question before conversations and experiment with that and notice how you're maybe. Does it shift your energy before a conversation? Are you less anxious? Does it shift your experience of the conversation to more enjoyable? And then how do you feel afterwards, maybe focusing on that contribution later in the day? Do you just naturally feel a little more at peace, a little more fulfilled from contributing and deeply connecting with someone? So that's your action step for today. As always, Amber, thank you so much for being here. You know what your problem is, Amber?
No, what?
I'm just kidding. I was gonna say, you know, what's special about you, Amber, is that you being here deepens the level of what I can communicate, what we can talk about. Because pretty much any topic that we dive into, your level of thoughtfulness around it is pretty pretty extensive. And it's like, instead of. I think some people might just look at an issue as like, oh, there's A over there. And I feel like you have a strength of, like, looking at something and seeing it from the A angle, but then you could turn to the left and look up at it and see it as B and then turn to the right and see it as C and D and just like a very. You can see the multifacetedness of any topic. And so I think that would make you very engaging. It is making you very engaging as a teacher, but also in conversations as well.
Oh, thank you. And in public. That's so nice.
That's right. You're most welcome.
It feels really good to be made feel special, and it feels even better when it's live on a podcast.
Yeah, fantastic. Well, I meant every word. And it's great to be with you. And we'll definitely be doing more of those. And for those listening, apply this. Find a way to use it in your life, as is with everything with this show. Thanks for being with us. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sa. Time for action. Action.
Sam.
Sa. Sam sa.
