How To Care Less About Other's Opinions

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. And today, when we're talking about how to care less about other people's opinions, and this is a reoccurring theme, if you listen to this show or my YouTube channel or read my books, that's a big focus of what I'm teaching and helping people do, is to stop caring so much about what others think of you. And this is one of those memes on social media that you read a little plaque or a couple of phrases underneath an image. It's like, be yourself, man. And you're like, yeah, yeah, I'm just gonna be myself. Yeah, who cares what others think? And it doesn't last. You know, you might get inspired for a minute, but you actually really do care about what others think. And let's break that down for a minute, because, you know, people here don't care what others think. Does that mean you're a sociopath and you have no concern whatsoever? No. What it means is to care less. Because right now, if you're experiencing social anxiety, one of the hallmark symptoms of social anxiety is caring too much what other people think. You are overly concerned with the thoughts, opinions, perspectives, judgments, and feelings of other people. So there is a big spectrum. On one end of the spectrum would be someone who is either completely unaware of the thoughts, feelings, and experience of others. That person might be lacking an emotional capacity, whether it's an emotional intelligence, or maybe they are struggling with some sort of social interpersonal awareness issue. Maybe they're on the autism spectrum. There's also people who might not care at all, and they're just extremely narcissistic. They're kind of like, I don't care. Like, it doesn't matter what you feel. To me, I'm about getting my results right? So that might be one end of the spectrum. And then the other end of the spectrum, though, is you're paralyzed by a fear of what other people are going to think of you. You are perceiving the judgment or the passing idea or the certain perspective someone might have of you. You're treating it as if it's really threatening. So at the other extreme of this spectrum, it almost be like a phobia, right? You know, because if you think about someone who's got agoraphobia, they're scared to leave the house. There's this terror or panic they might feel about either literally leaving the house or going to a more spacious, open place like a market or a store or something like that. And, you know, you can observe that person be like, whoa, that guy's freaking out over there. Like, it's not that dangerous to go outside of your house. But to that person, it feels pretty dangerous. I mean, it's because their nervous system is responding with some sort of panic or intense fear. Right? And it's the same thing with your overreaction to the perception or the judgment of others. And so the goal here is not to be so far on the other end of the spectrum that you just don't give a shit at all. And at the same time, though, you have to go up that spectrum a little bit because otherwise you are completely limited. You're paralyzed in your own life, living your own life because of this imaginary threat that's not really a threat. That's why I'm using the example of agoraphobia. You might even think of, like a spider phobia. Arachnophobia, right? Someone who's scared to go down to their basement. Now, let's assuming they don't have some sort of infestation of black widows or brown recluses or something that's going to kill them. You know, you would look at that person and be like, that person's overly concerned. And that's what I'm suggesting you might be, is overly concerned. And so what we need to do is we had to go up that spectrum a little bit. Yeah, a little bit toward narcissism. Now, the problem is people who are nice and have social anxiety hate narcissists. The narcissists are the enemy. I can't tell you how many books there are in this, you know, day and age that are, you know, empaths and narcissists, nice people and narcissists, codependent people and narcissists. And it's all about how terrible narcissists are and they're awful people. And how and why are these books out there? Is because the dynamic is like two puzzle pieces fitting together, right? You got the person who's overly nice and it puts everyone else's needs first and devalues themselves. And you got the person who's like the hoover vacuum cleaner who just sucks that stuff up, who's like, yeah, that's right, it's all about me. And so naturally there's a, there's a upset in the nice person who's caught in that dynamic. And I think it's great to read a book about that and to liberate yourself from that and stop dating, you know, or being with or spending time around extremely narcissistic people. Yes, absolutely. I'm all for that. And the problem though is if you demonize that and say I'm never going to be like one of those people, guess what? You won't walk up that spectrum to a healthy level. Because a healthy level involves a certain whatever energy that that narcissist has. You need a little bit of that energy. You could say that they have too much going the other way. Sure. It's like selfishness. I talk about this in the book. Not nice. There's a selfishness spectrum. You could be completely selfish to the point where it's detrimental to all your relationships, but you can also be completely selfless and self denying and self sacrificing where it's detrimental to all your relationships and, and your own health. So what I want to talk about in this episode and guide you towards is the energy of the feeling of caring less about what other people think of you. Because I could tell you all day long intellectually, hey, just care less what other people think of you. You're probably trying to tell yourself that all day long intellectually, and it doesn't work. So what we gotta do is help you access the feeling. And one way that I want to suggest this is it's about reclaiming your power. And people are trying to get to a place, I would describe it of being okay with other people's judgments. And it's a peaceful place. Right? Someone doesn't like you. Okay, that's all right. I'm a nice person, so I'm not going to get upset or anything, but I'm just going to, hey, let's agree to disagree. Different strokes for different folks in insert your platitude here. And I'm just going to let him be. And actually that's not the energy that's going to liberate you if you want to reclaim your power in order to get to peaceful. If you want to be peaceful about having other people have judgments and not really have it bother you. Which sounds nice, doesn't it? You got to go through a different stage, which is being pissed off. You. You need some energy of anger to generate the power needed to have a healthy boundary. Because that's what we're talking about here. And I'm not talking about that. You have to. Someone has a negative opinion of you and setting the boundaries, like a verbal thing where you say, listen, don't ever tell me that again. You may not be able to do that. The environment, I mean, maybe you're getting a comment online from a random stranger trying to verbally stop others from having their opinions is like, you know, there's a thousand and one arrows coming your way. You're trying to catch them all by hand. It's impossible. So what's needed actually is a boundary is a shield. And then all those errors, arrows can just thunk into that shield. So what's the shield? The shield is you getting pissed off. There's an energy, there's a power to it. And I'm going to see if I can do my best to just help you access it and feel it by getting into that state myself and then describing the experience of it. So let's say you're. Oh, what does that person think? Oh, that person wants me to do this. And you have this apologetic, guilty, weak energy we need. There's a power that's kind of like, man, fuck them. And I know this sounds bad to the nice people. They're like, oh, my gosh, first of all, you probably don't like that I cursed. Oh, my gosh. I haven't cursed on this show in a little while. But this episode needs it. It's part of the effect, part of the medicine. Right, and what does that mean? Fuck them. It's. That's not my responsibility. I. I don't know. They'll figure it out. I'm not here to make sure that they feel okay about it. Right. And you can hear that. You almost say, wow, that sounds like a jerk. Guy sounds mean. He sounds pissed off. Yeah, yeah, there's a little bit of that edge. And that's the energy. That's the stage you need to go through in order to be truly, peacefully okay with it, to not have to need them to like you in any way. So what's happening is you're orienting yourself to that other person, you're prioritizing their needs, and then you're going into some sort of apologetic obsequious. Submissive stance of. Is this okay? And oh, my gosh, what if they don't like that? And what if they think that and it's almost like your energy is outside in them. It is disconnected from you. Just go into that right now. Just really get a sense of it. Just play along with me here. Can you tune into a person that you're worried about? Oh, what if they don't like this thing? I think they're upset about this. Notice your body language. Can you amplify how you'd say when I do it? If you're watching, by the way, if you're not watching the YouTube version of the show, you can just go to YouTube and type in shrink for the shy guy. We've been releasing these episodes for a little while on YouTube as well. But my body's kind of hunched over and I'm looking down, my shoulders are down. It makes sense, right? It's this submissive scared. I don't want to make waves stance in your physical body and your stance in the world. So just really tune into that. And what does that feel like to me? It's feels bad, it feels weak. It feels I'm not connected to my own power. What does it feel like for you? Okay, so what's the shift? What's the difference? What's the opposite of that? Well, it would be to roll your shoulders back, take a full. In fact, take a few deep breaths in and bring a little more power, a little more energy. Almost like, you know, there's the bellows. I don't even know what the bellows are. Something about a steam production through the burning of coal. Are the bellows the. Basically the fire or bellows, something that blow air on the fire? Well, in any case, be like the bellows and take three or four full deep breaths in that are audible like this. So it could be in the nose and out the nose or in the nose and out the mouth, but you make sure your nose is involved because it slows the rate of the air and starts to build energy inside of you and allow yourself to get pissed off here. Like, how. How long are you going to be sacrificing yourself and submitting yourself and being the victim of everybody? Just breathe in and as you do, just focus on that weak submissive pattern and say, enough of that, enough of that. I say no to that. I choose something else. I claim more than that. I deserve more than that. And then there's a reclaiming of that power inside. You can even say that I reclaim my power now that might sound kind of cheesy, you know, over the top self development, but it's sending a message to yourself. Like, I'm going to reclaim my power now. Now. Now. And then I want you to imagine that there is a. It's like a healthy protective wall or gate around your city. You are the king or the queen of this city state. Sit or stand like a fucking king or a queen, like someone who's regal. Breathe in and imagine there's that boundary. I decide what gets in and what doesn't get in, right? Because let's say there's someone who comes to your city state who's like, oi, I don't know why they talk like they're from south of Sussex. Oi, we're here to cause a rubble. Give us all your treasures. You know, what are you gonna say? Okay, yeah, come on in. I'm sorry. Well, their feelings will be hurt. You know, fuck that, say, no, you're not getting into that gate. But what about their feelings? They want the treasures. I, I don't know. Fuck them. It's not their. I'm not the source of their treasures. It's not my responsibility. And I know this can feel really uncomfortable because, you know, the place that we feel the most responsibility might be for friends, family members, children, parents, colleagues, clients, people that are in your life, people you do care about. And so this might feel really off or wrong, but I'm not saying your general stance is like, fuck my parents and my kids and my colleagues. Like, I don't give a shit about nobody. Like, that's not a realistic stance. That's someone who's got an overcompensating front. Right? What I'm talking about is you temporarily tap into this energy of pushing people back outside of the gates, being in your own body, in your own breath, inhabiting your own space and saying, you know what? That's not my responsibility. They're a grown ass man. They can handle that. They have their own feelings. You know, if they really want something, that time together, they want someone to go to the concert with them. They'll find someone else. I'm not that person. And when you really let yourself access this energy, you, you can just brush off, push away that nagging, oozing power, draining emotional state and pattern. And so I know today has been about showing as much as describing, as much as verbally talking about it. And I'm hoping you're playing along with me right now so you can really get a sense of this feeling of the difference. But it's about. And when you access that pissed off state, you're able to just push aside something that might have been bothering you for hours, weeks. You know, if you're. Oh my gosh, so and so said that thing and they thought my joke wasn't funny and oh my gosh, do they think that I'm. I really meant what I said there because I was being sarcastic. Oh, my gosh, they think I'm a racist. Oh, no. Oh, God. And you might ruminate on that for how long? A day? Two days? A week? A month? You might be awkward around that person the next time you see them because you're thinking about, oh my gosh, the last time they didn't like this joke I made. Like, take a full breath in, reclaim your city and say, fuck it. I don't know. I don't. I don't. I don't know. They might dislike it, they might not. That's not my responsibility. I'm not here for that. I'm here for something else. And when you reclaim your power, you get to decide what you're really here for. I was just saying this last night in a mastermind call, I was guiding people through this process of caring less what other people think. And I said, what do you value more or what can you value more than the opinions of others? And I'm not saying again that the opinions of others has no impact, no relevance at all in your life. But does it have to be front and center, top priority? Because without knowing it, most people are valuing that more than anything. More than their own happiness, more than their own purpose and pursuits in life, more than living a life that there is their own. Oh, I don't want to create that thing. I don't want to take that risk in business. I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to fail the sales presentation. I don't want to put my music out there. I don't want to date that. I don't try to date somebody because what if someone judges me? And so now your life is lower priority than the opinions of others, which is not even a singular thing. There is no they. They. What are they going to think of me? There's. What is it? 8 billion humans at this point? I don't know. A lot of humans coming through pretty fast still, you know, seven and a half billion. There's seven and a half billion. They's. There's not one they. And so one person thinks this, one person thinks that one and even the same person has cycling thoughts and feelings. They might think you're great one day and they might think you suck the next day, right? That's what the Buddhists would call the vicissitudes of fate. And one of them is fame and disrepute. You see this all the time. So. And so is the darling of the media, oh, my gosh, the greatest actor in the world. Oh, this actress is so smart. Oh, this politician's so great. Oh, this scientist is. This business mogul is brilliant. And then three years later, like the business mogul's piece of shit, we don't like him anymore. He sucks. Oh, that actress is terrible. She's boring. Who cares? Yesterday's news, right? And it's the same in your life now. You're probably not getting the same level of fame as these business moguls and celebrities and stuff, but you're in your own life. You know, someone at work's been like, you're still smart. You know, you had. You make that. You figure something out, solve some problem, and everyone in the meeting is like, oh, you're so smart. Oh, great. And that lasts a couple weeks. And then, you know, two months later, there's a problem. And people are like, why did you fix this problem? Yet pissed off, I'm set with you, Right? It's the vicissitudes of fate. And so any individual person is going to have a differing set of feelings or opinions about you. All the individual people are going to have differing opinions and perspectives that are separate from each other. So there is no they. And when you're prioritizing that as the most important thing in your life, to make your decisions by, to do or not do certain things well, you are destined for just one thing. To live a life that is not your own, which happens to be the number one regret of the dying, by the way. So maybe there's a pattern here. Maybe there's something that a lot of people are doing. But if you're listening to this episode and is listening to this show, my sense is you don't want to do, which is most people are doing. You don't want to just settle for what most people would say is normal. Forget normal. I mean, a lot of the normal perspective is, well, you'll have social anxiety for the rest of your life, and it's going to massively impair your life and just get by and do the best you can. Barf to that. No, I want radical and rapid transformation. I want total liberation. I want social anxiety to be the springboard that has you Find your way out of social anxiety, but then not just stopping there and going to extraordinary levels of confidence where you're able to do and express and connect and create a life that is way beyond what most confident people would do. And that's absolutely possible. I've done that, and I've seen a lot of clients do that as well. So let's talk about how you can turn this into action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is going to be to go through this process. We did a little sampler of it here. And you could go back and listen to the part where I'm guiding you through from pissed off to reclaiming your power to creating the city walls around you. But you can also just do that without relistening to that. Just take that several minutes to do those energizing breaths. Sitting up tall, imagining king, imagining. You have that boundary, and you decide what's going to get in, what's not, and just play with it. There's no. This is. It's kind of like. It's not instructions for building a cabinet where it's like, insert screw here and then do this and then do that. It's much more someone who's like teaching art or something. Where there may be, you know, there's. There's technical skills, but it's kind of more of a. Well, make it blend more, make it prettier, right? So you get to find your way here. And I'm pointing, I'm giving signposts and little indicators. So play around with it. Find your style, Find your way to access this. But one key technical quality that I want to point out here is that pissed off is the pathway. And if you're trying to avoid that, you're trying to be the nice guy who never gets angry, well, then you're going to be living a life that's not your own. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to be dying with one of those regrets. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.