How To Create A Compelling Dating Profile with Dave Elliot

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz. Yo.

Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is going to be extremely valuable for you if you you want to create a relationship, find someone to be in a relationship with. Maybe you're dating and sort of lots of near misses or not quite the people that you want are interested in you. Maybe you are single and you don't even have that many prospects. You're hoping and wanting to connect with someone, but it seems few and far between and you might be in more of a discouraged, hopeless state about it. And particularly you might have turned to the online world and said, hey, there's so many different options out there and you can swipe this way and click that button and all of a sudden, bang. Got a date. And maybe, but maybe not. And what you might discover is my guest expert today. Dave Elliott shares some really interesting statistics about online dating and how the vast majority of people are not getting what they want out of it. And it's not because online dating sucks. It's because we don't know how to put ourselves out there. And I am so excited to share this interview with you because I learned a ton. And we started with how to create an extraordinary online dating profile that stands out from the rest. But you'll soon discover because you're learning exactly how to do that. But you're going to soon discover that it's not just about a dating profile. It's about because what you shift and the questions you ask yourself to come up with that standout profile actually makes you stand out as a human and in all your dating experiences. So whether you do online dating or not, this is about how to be your most clear, authentic, bold, unabashed, unapologetic self. And that starts with the online dating profile, but then it continues. When you first meet the first date, the fifth date, the tenth date, the 50th year of your relationship, you're continuing to be yourself. And then we expand even beyond that and get into how to really flourish and thrive in your dating life. And the key things that stops people. And we swap some stories about clients we've worked with and what are the key obstacles, the key mistakes people make, the blocks that people have to creating an extraordinary dating life and then having the relationship or relationships that they want. So this interview is gonna be extremely powerful. Dave is brilliant. He has been in the Tony Robbins organization for I don't know, a million years. And I met him many years ago at a Tony Robbins event almost 10 years ago at this point, I think. And we ran into each other again at another Tony Robbins event just a couple months back. And this guy is sharp and there's some really compelling stuff he shares. And I was fully engaged, fully on fire listening to him. And I think you will be, too. So let's dive into the first part, first half of that interview in today's episode. Grab a sheet of paper, grab some notes and hang on. And even if you're like, no, I'm not into dating, I'm already married. Listen to this anyway, because you can use this stuff in your current relationship and it goes way beyond relationships. It's about how you show up to life. So let's dive into it right now.

Expert Interview.

My guest expert today is a man by the name of Dave Elliott. And I'll share in a minute about how I met Dave. But he is a master coach when it comes to relationship transformation. He is an expert, an author, and an international speaker and he helps people get results in this and other areas of their life, and particularly when it comes to finding and creating an extraordinary relationship. He's the author of the Catch your Match formula and he helps in this book teach people how to create online dating profiles that get results that attract the kind of people that you really want into your life or that person that you really want in your life. And whether he's sharing his expertise in books or products or on some of today's he shows, appears on relationship websites, tv, radio, this podcast and others, he's all about bringing awareness skills, strategies to help people get results in this area of their life. And I'm super excited to have you with us today. Thank you for joining us, Dave.

Thanks so much. Glad to be here. Looking forward to it.

Yes. So I'll pause on the story about how we met because right now we just gotta dive into the good stuff. I mean, because you this is an area that is some people have figured it out and some people haven't. And it's the world of online dating. And I was just talking with a friend recently. This morning I was working out with him and they were saying that, you know, with all there's so many options out there, this dating website, that dating website, Tinder, apps coming out all the time. And yet there are people who are struggling to find someone to connect with, even though there's this abundance of options. And I think it can be extremely frustrating and it can make people Feel like, oh, geez, there must be something really wrong with me if I put up this profile and nothing's happening. So I think this is an extremely important area, especially in this era. So let's start with this idea of an online dating profile. What is the best way to start? How do we think about it? What's the best way? We'll get into the nitty gritty in a minute, but just taking a step back, how do we even get started? How should we even think about creating this profile to put ourselves out there?

Well, thank you. That's a great question. And you started right at the beginning, which is perfect. When I wrote the book, it was really about, I work with a lot of clients all over the world who want to be in relationships. And I work with a lot of singles, especially women, but they want to be in a relationship and they're struggling with it. And a lot of times they will show me a dating profile that they've written and I need to look at it. And I just think to myself, let's work on this a little bit. And so the reason that I, you know, answering your question question specifically is the way to think about it is kind of non traditional. A dating profile is actually an advertisement. And most people don't look at it that way. Most people, the research shows 80% of the people who do a dating profile are not getting the results that they want, meaning they're not dating anyone. They're not getting responses, they're not, you know, getting emails, they're not on a date, they're not engaged. So 80% of the people who are throwing their money in every single month, that's the dirty secret of the industry is they're not really getting what they want. And the reason is it's because most people make the same fundamental mistake. And they write about what they want, and it's all about who you need to be to the reader. But the truth is that's backwards because they have to understand it's an advertisement. And the reason I wrote the book is because I come from an advertising background. So if you're online, you have to understand that an advertisement has certain jobs to do. You have to interrupt what someone's doing. You have to get their attention, you have to educate them, you have to teach them something. You have to. And most importantly at all, you need to have some sort of direct response, meaning they need to send you a note and say, wow, you sound terrific. I'd like to meet you. And so all of those jobs are very important. If you don't get the last one done, it's a big waste of time and effort. And because I came from the advertising industry and I understand how to frame this in terms of how to create intrigue, how to create curiosity, how to make someone really want something. It starts with clarity. You have to know what it is that you're trying to say and who you're saying it to. So you have to know who you are, have to have incredible clarity, and you have to answer the most important question in the world. And most people have no idea. I get the deer in the headlights, look at, you know, when they. When I ask them, and I'll say, well, what is it that you bring to the table? And, you know, it's kind of funny. They'll give me that look, whoa, I don't know. And these are the same people who are putting up all these dating profiles and wondering why 80% of them not working. Because when I ask them the simplest question, you know, what do you bring to the table for someone, you know, they just really know what to say. And so we get those profiles where people throw up a bunch of adjectives that say, you know, well, I'm this, that, or the other thing, and this is what you need to be. And there are a bunch of adjectives, but, you know, they don't really. They don't really give us a good impression of who you are and what you bring to the table or what you're looking for. You know, and one of the examples that I give, too, you know, different words mean different things to different people. For instance, one of the big examples that I use is the word adventurous. For some people, they think adventurous means, well, I quit my job and I climbed a mountain and sat there and talked to the yogi or something. I mean, that's adventurous for one person. Another person's idea of adventurous might be, it's Thursday, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do on the weekend yet. There's a huge, wide range. And so that's why I talk about in there. One, you want to know who you are, communicate it effectively, and then paint a picture with words about what it means to you. And then a lot of times, that's the one. It's like a hook, essentially. That's the hook that someone might grab onto. You know, I did an interview the other day when I'm saying, you know, if you. I use the example of, you know, I wanted to, you know, I always wanted to scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef. And That's a compelling story for someone else who is interested in the same thing and wants to scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef. But it could be anything. It could be, you know, I want to, you know, I want to quit my job and go on the road with my favorite rock band or whatever it is you want. Or I want to, you know, I want to work for the top investment firm in the world. They're very different growths, but as long as you state that in the way that you're really clear on what it is you want and why you want it, people get a really good flavor for who you are. And I think that's the thing that is missing from most dating profiles. It's that clarity.

Yeah, you said so many good things in there that I have to go deeper in some of them. We're going to pause for a quick moment right here and then come back to our interview with guest expert Dave Elliot.

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The There was the describing what the adjective means or is to you. So instead of saying I'm adventurous, you describing that I want to travel this way, I want to do this, I want to do that. And it gives a very specific, vivid perception of what you mean and who you are and what excites you. So I love that it creates this resonance in the other person if they're the right fit for you.

And a lot of times something like that, because it's such a visceral thing, like it's a visual, like someone can like latch onto that. Like for instance, someone say, oh yeah, yeah, you're the, you're the Barrier Reef person. That's right. Like out of, you know, 200 or 300, 400 words in your, in your bio or in your profile, they might resonate on that one thing. Or if you tell the story or if you say, you know, you know, if this sounds good, love to meet you, remind me to tell you about this story. And if you just say something like that, like a little tease, people are like, oh, wait a minute, I want to know that. I want to hear that story. Oh, tell me about that. You know, or some, some kind of a tease, some kind of a nugget, putting something out there to make someone want to say, oh, I want to know more about that. So you got to get them hooked essentially by telling them something interesting. And who better to know about what's most interesting about you than you?

And there's so many ways to do that. And the one you gave is such a. Everyone can do that. Like, think of some story from your life and say, remind me to tell you the blank story.

Yes.

And what a simple and great hook. And that's something that anyone can use right away to. I love what you're talking about too. Which is like creating some engagement with the other person. Like really thinking about, oh, yeah, this person's like sifting through just information on the Internet, words and pictures, and there's nothing. There's not that face to face energy that you might feel. So we have to do something to really hook them, really engage them.

Right. It's literally about creating a connection. And a connection is about emotion. And emotion is with vivid language of words or descriptions that just resonate on an emotional level rather than just flat words and pixels on a screen. It's just different. It takes it to another level.

Yeah, no, I love that. And there's one thing you said in there too, about. It's not only describing some of those vivid things, but it's saying specifically what you want. And not just, this is what I want in a partner. You need to be this, this, and this. It's, this is what I want in my life. This is what I want to experience. This is what I want to do.

Right. And again, it's framed from the point of, this is what I bring to the table. Like I said, when I ask that question, a lot of times people will sort of look down or look up and they're like, I don't know. And they just get that look. And, you know, that's when I say, well, if you don't know, how is anyone else going to know? You know, and that's why the book is full of all these exercises that kind of walks people through, you know, where you are now, what you want your life to look like and what, you know, what you bring to the table and what you want to create, you know, with a partner, when you bring it, when you vision it and you put it out there, then other people get a chance to catch the vision. And that takes on a life of its own. It takes on an Urgency. It takes on a curiosity and intrigue, and it just goes to another level. And the reason most people don't connect online is because they just don't go in and take the time to get that clarity or, you know, create something with a little bit of an emotional hook. And everyone's got one. Everyone's got something that's great or awesome or uniquely them that they bring to the table. And, you know, it doesn't matter what it is. They're. They're. You know, it's like the whole thing. There's a lid for every pot. For every single person, there's someone who will think they're pretty special.

Yes. That's an important message to hear and to really take in. We're gonna pause one more time and then continue on with our confidence expert, Dave Elliot. Hey, it's Dr. Aziz here, and I wanted to take just a second to ask you if this is working. If you're listening to this podcast regularly or watching YouTube videos, is it working for you? If it is, awesome, keep doing it. If you're noticing that you're not making the progress that you want, then it might be time to step up and do something more. That's been my experience. If I learn something from free stuff online, I get a certain level of result when I dive in and join a program or get a product or work with someone one on one.

Whoa.

I get a different level of result just night and day. And I would love to talk with you more about the second thing, which is working together. So if you're interested in how to do that, how to deepen that, go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching and there you can learn all about how I work with people one on one. That's what I do throughout most of the day, is work with people one on one and in mastermind groups to help them radically shift. And people can make incredible progress. You know, they could have been stuck for 10 years, and in six months, their life can have transformed. And I would love to have the opportunity to be with you on that journey, support you on that journey. I know this stuff inside and out more than almost anyone that I know, and that's because I lived it. And now I've been obsessed with studying it for so many years. So I would love to help you on your journey if that feels right for you. So go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching and then you can fill out a little form there. We can get in touch and figure it out from there.

All right.

I'll talk to you soon. And I have a follow up question about that that I want to ask you. Before I do though, you've said a number of times, know what you bring to the table and what when you, when at first the person's like and they don't look at me and they break eye contact with you, but then when you start to help draw it out of them or coach them on that, what is it that you're helping them see? Is it a list of adjectives? Is it like, well, I'm kind or I'm funny or is it something else?

It's a couple of different areas and the exercises in the book kind of pull them out. So for one, a lot of times I'll go in and I'll sort of do, I'll ask a question like what's life about? And it's a generic question and say, what is life about? Life is about love. Life is about giving back. Life is about being the best I can be. Life is about making a difference. Life is about making a ton of money. Life is about being the best. Whatever it is I am, it's going to be different for every single person. But when you start to get them isolated in on what is it about for you? There's no right or wrong. It is what it is. But you know, ask a great question like life is about. So then start to unpack. What are their beliefs? What are their values? What are the principles? What do they stand for? You know, what do they, you know, sometimes you can go the opposite way and say, what is it they hate? If you could do one thing, what would you, what would you change? What would you get rid of? How would you make a difference? And again, these are tough questions for some people, but again, if they haven't been asked, they haven't really thought of it that way. So it's about beliefs and values sometimes. And then, you know, there's a chapter in the book where I talk about, you know, the, the name of the chapter is called tell them why you're the best. And it's, I'm not coming from a place of arrogance or like I'm better than everyone else. BEST is an acronym and BEST is the B stands for what's the benefit that you bring to the table? Like what's the benefit of dating you? Or the E is about, well, what's the experience that you want to share? What will you do together? Where will you go? What kind of, what kind of lifestyle will you have? And then S is about it's the sizzle. Sizzle or sex appeal. What's that really cool thing, like, I talked about, you know, scuba diving, Great Barrier Reef, or, you know, bungee jumping and, you know, New Zealand or, you know, doing something amazing or whatever it is that you want to describe. What's something that's really amazing? It could, you know, could be anything. And then the T is, what's the trait? What traits do you bring to the table? And so, again, that's where we get to that place of, you know, start unpacking adjectives. And you say, well, you know, caring or adventurous or whatever it is. But then again, you want to illustrate it.

Yes.

Using a story that's effective by explaining what exactly you mean by that term.

Yes, that is. That is so good. Because I can just see as you're describing this. It's so clear. Most people. And I remember when I created a dating profile way back when, I did the same thing. Like, I listed traits. This is what I'm like. I'm caring, I'm funny, I'm this, I'm that. And those are very true and would feel really amazing for someone around me. But they're just words on a sheet of paper and on a screen. And so you're having people describe the traits with stories that are vivid, and they can feel that quality in you. But that's just one thing, right? That's just the T. Right. Then you also have them sharing the benefits and the experience and the sizzle. So I'd imagine there's, like. When someone's scanning through profiles online, it's like, meh, meh, meh. And then they get to one that you've helped someone create and coach them on. It's, like, so different than anything else out there.

Yeah, it really does stand out. I mean, it's been really cool to see it happen. I mean, and I do have, actually, people now who've come back, and the book has been out long enough now where I have people who actually have gotten married and who've gotten engaged. And one of the great stories was someone who I knew kind of peripherally actually heard me do an interview. She picked up my book, and she thought she'd give it a try. And what was amazing is she had been. She was a widow for, like, more than a decade, and she sort of. And she had one. She tried online dating several. Several years ago, and it went terribly wrong. In fact, had a. What do you call it? Had to get a protection order against this person. So she really didn't want to go down that route again because it ended badly and she's now engaged, and she met the greatest guy, really nice guy. And it's kind of cool since she told me that I've had a chance to hang out with him, you know, because we sort of reconne when she was sharing the great news. And it really is amazing to see that happen. And this is a. You know, it's so great to see this woman. She was a widow doing it tough with two kids. One of them who is, you know, has some severe health challenges. And so when I look at that, it just feels so good to make such a difference, you know, for someone who was doing it tough for so long and now just everything has changed for her, and it's just incredible. And she had the courage to give it another shot, and it just feels good to have had a part in that. So those are the stories that make me feel really good about what I'm doing and just loving it. Making a difference.

Yeah. And that we can hear is one of the things that you bring to the table, right? Like one of your values.

Absolutely. There's no question I'm living my purpose, doing what I'm meant to do, and I just feel blessed to do it. You know, I kind of live vicariously through the successes of my clients. And, you know, I just love to see. I love to see them have success, and I love to see them do well, and I love to see them find someone who, you know, just gets them and adores them for who they are, you know, not trying to be something they're not. They just are, you know, and that's the work I do with my clients. Just help them get really, you know, comfortable with who they are in their own skin. And I'm sure that you do that as well, too. And so I love that we're both on the same journey, sort of, and helping people and making such a profound difference for them. So thank you for what you do as well.

That's awesome. And one thing that I wanted to ask you around that about getting comfortable in your own skin. And I'm sure people listening are having this thought, because I remember there was one client I worked with who was very convinced that she was boring. That brings us to the end of this portion of the interview. But there is so much more that we're going to get into in next week's episode. All about being able to put yourself out there, finding the things and the obstacles and the inner blocks that you have to going after what you want. Because What I found time and time again is when we have the courage to go after what we want and we've cleaned up a lot of that inner stuff, things happen fast. And all the stories we have about, oh, there's no one out there, or this always happens or I'm not enough for this, when you shift all that, things happen quick in your dating life, in your relationships, and everywhere in your life. So you're definitely gonna want to listen to the second half of this interview. For now, it's time to get into your action stuff. Time for action. Your action step for today is to ask yourself those questions that Dave was putting forth. You know, what's life about? Start with that one, what's life about? And really give your. I don't go for a long walk. Ponder that one. What comes to your mind? What are the first thing that comes to your mind before you filter it, before you give the quote right answer that you think you should just what comes out of you? What comes out of your heart? What comes out of the back corners of your mind? What comes to you as you say that question? What's life about? What do I really want not just in a partner, but in my life and what do I bring to the table? You know, that stuff that he was asking? Answer those questions, come up with answers. And if you want more guidance around this, I strongly encourage you to go get his book, which he talks about at the end of the interview. But we're going to have it below this interview as well and we'll have a link to it. So go to shrinkforthshyguy.com under this episode and you'll be able to get yourself a link to his book. It's on Amazon.com and it is awesome. And that could help guide you with further questions. Whatever it is, go for that long walk. Ask yourself that question, what's life about? What do I bring to the table? Come up with compelling answers and do yourself a service by really giving yourself that digging around and finding those answers to those questions. And then join us for next week's show. We're gonna get into the second half of the interview. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. We'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.