How To Crush It At Christmas Parties

Do you hate Christmas parties? Do you dread them? Do you maybe avoid them or endure them? Kind of white knuckle it through them? Maybe just don't have as good a time as you would like. Maybe you feel restricted or inhibited. And if so, today's show is going to help you transform that, help you show up completely differently and crush it at any Christmas party or any holiday, New Year's, any party that's coming up for you, completely change the way that you approach it and change your experience.

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey. Hey. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Festive holiday times are here. It's Christmas almost, and it's no better time to talk about how to crush it at Christmas parties. If you want to jump in to learn more about the show, find out about me. Sign up to get my free ebook, which is called Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence, which is awesome and free. Go to shrinkforthe shy guy.com shrinkforthshy guy.com youm can also send me a message through that site and you can get into the conversation@facebook.com SocialConfidence so there's ways to stay connected. But today we're gonna be getting into how to crush it at Christmas parties. And you know, Christmas parties are not significantly different than other parties. It's just there's. It's a time of year where there's a lot of these things. And whether it's an office party or a dinner party or a small gathering or some sort of Christmas thing with extended family, there's lots of parties and gatherings. And for some people, it's like, oh, God, when are they going to be over? And the way I look at it is lots of opportunities to practice, especially if you say things like I hate parties. And this is a common phrase. I hear this a lot, especially when we're dealing with social anxiety or shyness or don't have the confidence or social confidence or outgoingness that we want. That's just a phrase we use, I hate parties. I used to say that I hate parties. And let's just slow down for a second, though, because instead of taking that as fact and saying, yeah, that's true, and of course I do, and here's my reasons, let's actually find out why. So why do you really hate parties and what are some of the things? Just don't dig too Deep. Just what's the first things that come to mind? Why do you dislike parties? Why do you dread them or not like them or prefer not to go to them? What comes up for you? Good. What else? Just come up with a few more. What are your. This is important because we're going to do something with these in a second. If you want to write them down, even better. But what are the specific things that you say? Ah, I don't like this or that. What is it for you? People are superficial at parties. Small talk. I hate small talk. Small talk sucks. It's too loud. No one listens to anyone. Anyway. You can't have great conversations. I hate going over and talking to people. I hate joining into groups. I never know what to say. What is it for you? Maybe some of those or all of those. Something different. Good. So now that we have this list or things that you came up with, what do you think's really underneath all of that? Whether it's criticizing other people or saying small talk sucks, or saying, I don't like certain I'm not good at these things, or I don't like talking to people or starting conversations. What is really underneath all of that? What's the common thread? It's social discomfort, in my experience. And really that's just a fancy word for fear. It's fear and discomfort. That's what it is. When we're honest with ourselves. At the end of the day, there's just some fear there. And maybe we're aware of some of the things that we're scared of. Like, oh, I'm scared to go talk to someone. I'm scared to join into a group. I don't like being in there and not knowing what to do next and just sort of standing there by myself and feeling awkward or clinging to my partner or friend because I'm scared to go talk to new people. Maybe you're aware of the fear, but sometimes we don't like to be aware of the fear. We don't like to admit fear because that seems like weak or somehow makes us inferior. So we kind of flip it to the more pseudo strong, powerful stance of it's not that I'm scared, it's just that it's bullshit. I just don't like it. Small talk sucks. People are superficial, right? And now we have this kind of front where we're on the attack. I'm not weak. They just suck. And that doesn't serve you. And it keeps you stuck. It kind of entrenches you. The best thing to do Is, you know what? It's just fear. And that doesn't mean I'm weak. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone. Dude, why do you think everyone drinks a shit ton around this time of year and at every single gathering? Because they're super totally comfortable in themselves? No, because they want to numb out their own fear, their own self criticism, their own self doubt and hesitation and second guessing. I mean, most people are uncomfortable talking to people they don't know, joining in conversations, being at a party, most people, you might be thinking like, oh, I'm weird or I'm different. It's like, eh, no, most people, it's a really common problem. And that's what it is, it's fear. So now that we've acknowledged that and made it okay, now we can actually deal with it. Now we can learn how to overcome that fear, how to address it, how to break through it, how to show up completely differently to a party with a lot more self confidence and self trust and to be able to more easily interact with people and be outgoing. So in fact, we're going to dive into all of that right after this. So stay tuned. Hey, it's Dr. Aziz and I want to take a quick second to invite you to my upcoming live event. It's called Supremely Confident Conversation Master. And this is going to be an awesome experience. We're going to get together for three days in Portland, Oregon, and we're going to dive deep on exactly this topic. So if you get stuck in conversations, if you don't know what to say or how to start them or how to keep them going or what questions to ask, you freeze up, you stall out. People don't seem that interested in what you're saying, or you can start it, but then going in deeper, you know, you find this urge to escape, this urge to eject and it's hard to share yourself and create those real deep connections, whether it's for dating and relationships, friendships, your business and career, anything that's getting in the way of you being a supremely confident conversation master. That's what this weekend is designed to help you dive into and do so. You're going to discover exactly how to start conversations with anyone in a completely relaxed, casual way. And then how to be engaging, funny, dynamic and highly charismatic with others. You're going to learn how to stay in conversations, deepen them and share about yourself so you can easily connect with others. And ultimately how to access powerful authenticity which allows you to influence others, impact them and inspire them, draw them to you, become a magnet to other people by being your most authentic self. So this weekend is going to be powerful. Like all my live weekends, we work a lot on strategy. You're going to learn a ton and we remove all the inner blocks. We go deep and take anything that's getting in the way. It's stopping you. So I would love to spend the weekend with you. It's going to be a limited size and tickets are going to sell out. I'm sure we're doing an early bird right now. So if you go to the website, which is socialconfidencecenter.com and then click on the Events tab, you'll be able to learn all about it, find out the details. It's going to be March 4th through 6th in 2016 here. So March 4th through 6, that's a Friday through a Sunday. So go to the website SocialConfidenceCenter.com, click on the Events tab, get all the info and secure your spot now. And I would love to spend three days helping you become a supremely confident conversation master. Welcome back. So how do we crush it at Christmas parties? How do we have a much better experience there and actually enjoy ourselves? And I know that might sound like a stretch, that might sound far fetched and because your experience has been so the opposite. But if you apply what I'm sharing in this episode and you're working on your social confidence and your skills in general, not just waiting until the day before Christmas to do this, but if you're working on stuff in general, over time you can notice a powerful shift in how you show up. So here's some things. 1. Pre party, big, big important thing. So most of the time, you know, if you're gonna go out with friends, you're gonna go out to a club or whatever, usually people get together beforehand and have what's called a pre party where they get together, they hang out, they play music, they talk with each other, they connect, they get excited, they feel open, probably drinking and they get ready to go. And the way that we show, if we're showing up to a party by ourselves, we like drive there. We're tense, we're like, oh boy, oh man, I hate parties. Here I go. And we're showing up in a really low energy, tense, nervous, uncomfortable state. So what do we got to do? Pre party. I know, it's ridiculous. I know. But this shit works if you do it. So what I would suggest is actually when you're getting ready around your house and you're taking a shower or whatever, you're Getting dressed. Just start bumping the most badass, awesome, fun, exciting music that gets you going. And I don't care what it is, maybe it's music that gets you into a powerful state, like some rap or some hardcore hip hop where you're like, yeah, motherfucker, I just don't give a shit. Right? Or maybe it's like, for me, I am a huge fan of all things electronics, electronic dance music, trance, techno, side trance, whatever it is. So I'll put on some of that stuff and just like literally jump up and down and. And just be like, yeah, and get into a powerful state. And this is something that when people hear about it and I try to teach it in some of my programs I do in, I think in Confidence Unleashed, I teach it. And when people come to a live weekend with me, they really get it because we do it and we help shed any of that self conscious, like, ooh, I don't know, isn't that weird? And you just get into a place where you're like, actually this is really fun. And little kids love this shit. And my son Zaim, when I'm doing it, I'm like, I hit my chest and raise my hands and I'm like, yeah. And he's like, yeah. And it's awesome. And it's so natural. And we would do stuff like this when we were kids. We've just learned like, oh, that's not okay. So give yourself that permission. And if you really want to get this and make it totally okay and have it be a part of your life forever, join me for a weekend here coming up in 2016. We got three of them. We got one in March. Supremely confident Conversation master. Should be awesome. It's gonna be. And of course we'll include teaching how to do that. Cause I show that in all of my events. Cause it's so important. Anyway, pre party, get yourself pumped up, super important. And then on the drive there, be listening to some music, stay in that state, be like yelling out, banging on the steering wheel, saying stuff like, I got this. I'm the man. You know, it's ridiculous, it's silly, but it works. There's a client of mine who's in one of my groups actually, and he worked in an ad agency, I think in the Bay Area somewhere. And he was kind of new in the corporate world and was nervous and, oh man, people don't like me. And he said he would just start his pump up ritual. He'd be in the shower and he'd be like, man, you Got this. This is gonna be an awesome day. I'm gonna rock this. Yes, I'm gonna rock this. And then he'd be driving to work.

Like, I got this.

Yeah. And play his favorite song and. And he said it would be night and day difference how he'd show up. And of course, because your energy is so different, and people pick up on your energy long before they hear what you say, long before they even notice your physical body language. It's just what you emit, what you exude. And it's like there's an energetic state that you can get into that is a lot more dynamic, engaging, and appealing to others. So super important to do that. That's the pre party. Then also it's important to hit the ground running. So what you don't want to do is. What often people do is they go to the party and then they're like, oh, okay, I'm going to cruise the outside of the perimeter. Okay. And kind of lurk. Scout out the scene by doing a perimeter check. Or they beeline for the bar. And that's cool, too. You can do that. I think that I would actually suggest not beelining for the bar. Most people do that because why? Because they're nervous, they're anxious, they're uncomfortable. They want to neutralize that. And while the alcohol can help, it also is not going to help you overcome this shit and become a lot more powerful. Because what it's doing is it's numbing the fear. And if you numb the fear and you don't confront it, you don't gain anything. You don't build a muscle of confidence much at all. And so even if you are going to drink, I would suggest keep it down to like one or two. And also don't do it immediately. Here's what I suggest doing immediately. When you walk into the doors, go talk to someone, initiate a conversation. Doesn't matter. You don't know them. You do know them. The guy over, down the hall that you work with, it's your distant Aunt Myrtle. Doesn't matter. You're just the first person or group of people. Hey, guys, how's it going? Hey, John. Nice sweater. I love it. Festive. Just boom, jump in, say something, ask a question. How's it going tonight? How are you guys doing? You don't have to have a great thing to say. Just say something and just get in there. And what that does is that will change the whole course of your night and maybe the course of your life. I don't know, maybe you'd Meet someone at this party who will be your wife or your husband or your partner. Maybe you will connect with someone who you work with, who then you end up becoming friends with or maybe even starting a business with. I don't know. I mean, stuff can really change in ways that we don't really understand or can predict. But at the very least, you can change the course of your experience at that party because you enter in completely differently. And you enter in by taking active ownership. You're taking charge, you're getting into the driver's seat. You're not waiting passively for someone to come talk to you, which puts you in a disempowered state where you're just hoping and waiting. And then all you're gonna do is fill your mind with concern and self doubt. Just boom, get in there. Don't think, act, go talk, initiate with someone that's going to set you into motion. Then I would suggest moving and going and interacting with someone else and doing that a few times. I mean, you might dive right into a great conversation and keep it going. Or you might just be like, well, great to see. I'll catch you guys in a little bit. I'm going to go say hi to some other folks. That is a great way to move away from a person or a group. If it's been one person, you could say, it's great seeing you, John, or it's great talking to you, John. Let's catch up in a little bit. I want to go say hi to some other folks. Boom. And then you move on. Then you go interact with someone else. And then if you want to go to the bar and get a drink, I'm not like the drinking police. You go do that, get some sort of weird eggnog, gross rum beverage and then. But you've already set something in motion, right? You sent a message to yourself too, which is like, I don't need alcohol to do this. Look, I can do this on my own. And now I'm gonna have a drink. Cause it's gonna be fun, right? So you do that after you've interacted with a few people. That's a huge step. And then there's some super important stuff we're gonna get into about how to join into groups, how to interact with people, how to end conversations that are not going well, how to, how to start conversations with people, ways to enjoy yourself more as you do this whole thing, and a bunch more. We're going to get into all that in just a moment. So stay tuned. We'll be Right back.

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Welcome back. So jumping into conversations, because that's a big part of any party or gathering, is typically you're going to have a number of conversations with people. And so you want to be able to start those conversations and interact with them and keep them going. And if you're enjoying the conversation, staying in it as long as you like. If you're not being able to exit skillfully and gracefully and move on to someone else, you don't need to sacrifice yourself and sit there and listen to someone who you don't really like. It's really boring and uncomfortable. You don't have to sit there and smile and nod for like 20 minutes and get hijacked in a corner. That is like super nice guy behavior. I used to do that and it would just be like in my head I'd be like, so outwardly I'm nice, I'm smiling and I'm polite. And then in my head though, I'm not being nice, I'm being a jerk. I'm like, God, why are they still talking? This is so boring. When are they gonna shut up? How the hell do I get out of here? So wouldn't it be more authentic, bold and kind to end the conversation? We think we're being kind when we're being the nice guy, but we're not. We're being scared. We're being gutless. So we need to step up and we need to do something about that. You know the worst part about it though, is I'm in this. When I was stuck in the nice guy role, it was like, well, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And if I end the conversation with them, they're going to be crushed, and they're going to feel so bad, and then they're not gonna like me. And so what I would do is they're talking about something, I'm not interested at all. I want to get away in my head. I'm like, when's this gonna be over? Please stop talking. Please stop talking. Have you ever been there? And then here's what I would do, though. They pause for a moment, and instead of saying, well, hey, it's great talking with you, John. I'm gonna go catch some. I wanna go say hi to someone else, or, I wanna say hi to such and such and such, or I'm gonna go grab a drink or I'm gonna use the bathroom, or I'll catch you in a little bit. You don't even need a specific excuse. Just, I'll catch you in a little bit or it's been great talking with you. I'm gonna, you know, we'll see you around. I'll see you in a little bit. Instead of saying that, I would say, oh, so volunteered for the Democratic Party in 1974. Cool. I would, like, reflect back what they were saying or ask them another question to keep them going. This is so painful. And then as I'm doing that, I'm like, why? Why am I doing this? Because I was stuck. I was scared. And what we want to do is, you just give yourself permission, man. They're gonna be okay. They're gonna be fine. They'll find someone else. They're not gonna hate you. Just move on and just say it that way. Hey. And you can interrupt sometimes. You can wait for a pause, be like, that's cool. Hey, it's been great talking with you. I'm gonna go grab a drink. I'll see you around here. There's some subtle things there that are valuable. Hey, kind of inserting. You can do this. Also notice I said, that's cool. Or you say something that's sort of acknowledging but not deepening the conversation. Don't think you have to reflect back and show that you were listening to everything. Because if you do, they might just keep talking. Yeah, that's cool. Cool. Well, anyway, hey, it's been great talking with you. Just like that. And your voice tone is friendly, but you're also signaling, hey, I'm moving on. Way more powerful than trying to give them the subtle signals like, I looked away. Why are they still talking to me? That insensitive, unaware jerk. And all that stuff is just passive. We get angry Inside when we're passive, but when we're active and we're assertive, we can just feel a lot more power. So that's how you break out of conversations that you don't like. How about entering into conversations? Well, there's a ton of ways to do this. I go super deep in my program, the confidence code, which if this is something you really want to master, totally get that. You go to yourconfidencecode.com oh, and there's also a free ebook we give you, when you do that, two steps to Total confidence. Super powerful stuff in there that I don't teach anywhere else. But anyway, so we also want to be able to start those conversations. And the cool thing about the Christmas parties is you can actually kind of queue up. You can come up with some things, some ways to start conversations ahead of time. And, you know, this is great. This is like a little crutch, you know, a little trick in your back pocket that you can pull out if you need it. And so just think about, what are some things that I could ask people around Christmas time that would be relevant, that would start a conversation? So you could just be like, hey, how's it going? Or, how's your party going? Or, what are you up to? But you can also make it more tailored. So what are some things you could ask someone because it's Christmas or around Christmas time? That's a question for you to think about to come up with. Come up with a list of five. You're like, yeah, yeah, just tell me them. And I could. But this is about you building that muscle. This is about you flexing and building your own confidence muscle and practice and learning. This is gonna build your conversation ability and your conversation skills. And I would encourage you to do that to make that list. I'll give you one. I'll come up with one right now. But really sit down and come up with a lot more for you that are relevant in your situation. Maybe it's an office party so you can think about a specific thing that's related to people in your office around Christmas. But something I might say is be like, so, any badass gifts planned for anyone? Or so I have a question for you. What is the gift you're most excited about giving? Or what you make it fun? What's on your wish list for Christmas? That's an interesting one. Then you can see what they say, and then you can have all kinds of interesting conversations. Why do they want that? You could tease them about that. You could joke about that. You could make you know, wow, they list like eight things and you're like, that's all anything else, you know, you just play with them. So there's a million ways you could go with it from there, but those are just a few. But sit down and come up with more yourself because if you do, it's going to be super valuable and you're going to be able to use them and you're going to have better conversations. It's going to be way easier to start. And it's okay to start the conversation the same way with different people. So you could say the same thing to one. So what's on your wish list for Christmas? Then you go talk to someone else new 10 minutes later. So what's on your wish list for Christmas? That's fine, reuse it, it's okay and it's valuable. And then you get some great conversations going. So that's super important in a way to start conversations. Another thing that comes up at parties that's huge is how do I join into groups. Because most of the time in parties people aren't just standing there silently by themselves waiting for you to come talk to them. Maybe there's an occasional moment or a transition where there's a person by themselves, but usually people form into groups, groups of two, three, four, maybe even five or six. So how do you dive into groups? How do you jump into groups? That's a huge topic. There's a whole module on it inside of the confidence code. But I'm going to give you some tips right now. One is give yourself full permission to do it less than what you say and the exact words you use is your energy. And if your energy. Because most of the time people are like, oh, I'm going to hesitate around the outside and hope they invite me in. Or I'll just kind of stand here awkwardly. And that's just sending this weird mixed signal. People feel a little uncomfortable by it. So it's much better to just like boldly like, boom, here I am. I am here to talk to you. Insert yourself into the group. I couldn't do that. That's rude. What if they're having a really powerful in depth, life changing conversation? Okay, first of all, that's probably not happening. And just whatever they're chatting about, some shit, they're just talking. And secondly, if that is, you'll figure it out, you'll find your way through it. No big deal. Oh geez, it looks like you guys are in something really deep. Well, I'll catch up with you guys later. You just find your way out of it. It's no big deal. And it's so rare. That's just our fear of rejection coming up really is what it is. So just jump in. Hey, how are you guys doing tonight? The group of three people. Looks like you guys are having a great conversation. What are you talking about? Looks like you're having fun. What are we talking about? That's a subtle one. Looks like you guys are having fun. It's just maybe they're laughing or you acknowledge it and then notice what I said there. What are we talking about? What does that imply? Well, it implies that I'm part of the group already. So you do the stuff like that. And of course, that your energy has to match. If you come up to them and you hover around the outside and you're kind of, like, lurking, and then you're like, looks like you guys are having fun. What are we talking about? And you're, like, all tight and quiet, and they're all laughing and loud. That's probably not gonna work, right. Your energy has to come in. You just walk right over to the group, and they're all laughing, and you're like, looks like you guys are having a great time. What are we talking about? And boom. Someone's gonna tell you. You'll be right into the conversation. And again, there's way more that I can get into in this episode. If you want to go way deeper with, go check out yourconfidencecode.com and it's going to be. That's such an important skill. Joining into groups, man. Whether it's a Christmas party, any sort of party or gathering, a networking event. This is huge for networking. I work with a lot of people on that. They go to a networking event, and they kind of just stand there a lot because they're like, but those people are talking. I can't do anything now. And it's like, no, you can shift all that. You can break through and a ton of other social skills. So super important stuff. And speaking of super important, there is one thing that we have to do before we end today's episode that we cannot go without. Time for action. Today's action step is to apply this stuff at a Christmas party or at some party or gathering. You might have one for Christmas, for New Year's, somewhere in between. And don't. You don't have to overwhelm yourself. I got to do everything. Let me figure out the 50 things I have to do. Pick one thing, just one, and just trust the rest is going to be in your subconscious and it will come out when you need it. But pick one thing. Maybe it's that I'm going to do the pre party before I go. Maybe it's that when I go, I'm going to initiate immediately upon entering into the room or into the party. Maybe it's I'm going to end a conversation. I'm going to commit to myself that I'm not going to stay in conversations that I don't want to have. I've done that before. I said, you know what I'm going to do tonight is I'm not going to spend any time in a conversation that I'm not enjoying that I don't want to have. And I would just end stuff left and right as quickly as I wanted to. Maybe you're going to say, you know what? I'm going to join into a group tonight or a couple of groups. So just pick one thing and narrow your focus down on that. And you might be surprised how the other things actually just come a lot more easily without you even having to think about them when you're focused on that one thing and really making it simple and easy for yourself. So go ahead and pick that one thing right now. Just go with your gut, know that it's the best thing, and then go apply it and then let us know how it goes. Go to facebook.com SocialConfidence Share about your experience and you can also share and talk about your experience. Go to itunes. You can rate the show, you can write about what you're learning, how it's impacted your life, but just share this. I love hearing. You can also send me a message@drinkforthshyguy.com message me through that. I love to hear about people's experiences and how they're growing and what happens for them. I love the success stories. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you can crush any Christmas party, that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.