How To Date More And Create Awesome Relationships Now

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about dating and relationships. And one thing that you can do, whether you're single and dating or dating and in some relationships that aren't really set or you're in a deep, committed relationship of month, year, 50 years, a thousand years, doesn't matter, one thing that you can do that's going to enhance all of that because this isn't just about a particular stage in the dating relationship pathway. This is actually about you loving more and receiving more love. We're getting to that today and it's fitting timing because today is the final day for the unlimited dating and relationship confidence super early bird. So if you've been hearing about that on this show and on the fence and thinking about it, now is the time to do it because that ends today. Tonight. That sale for the super early bird, we get a huge chunk off the ticket. And one of the reasons we do that is to make it more accessible to come out here, you know, because you still, if you're living in a different city, you still need to fly and get accommodations. And we understand that. And sometimes we, you know, see the investment for the seminar itself, the weekend, and we're like, ah, I don't know. So that's why we do the super early bird for those who are committed and want to decide early and then make it happen. And that's what I would encourage you to do. Especially, especially if you want to improve in this area of your confidence, dating and relationships. And you know what, which one of us can't improve in this area of confidence, but especially if you're not getting the results that you want, you're feeling stuck or limited in this area or you're feeling okay, but it's not extraordinary because this area of life is one of the most, the most rewarding, I would say the most amazing. You know, when I think about things that I'm grateful for Candace, and then, of course, the life we've created together with our boys and now puppies is a lot. But that's like the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about what am I grateful for? It's her. It's life that we have. And that's because that's one of the most fulfilling things in life, is a relationship that we have with someone. So whether you want to date more with more confidence or be in an amazing relationship or. Or have the confidence to create an extraordinary relationship, because this event isn't just about dating. It's about how do we create an extraordinary relationship, starting with dating all the way to really picking the person you want to spend your life with and all of that. So go to shrinkforthyguy.com, shrinkforthshyguy.com, and there'll be a link to get to the super early bird, as well as on the right side of the page, there'll be a link to the events page in general. So I look forward to seeing you there. So what's the one thing that we can do right now to radically improve your dating life and your relationships? Romantic relationships, probably all relationships really give more. Give. Now, let's explain that a little bit, especially if you have a history of being a nice person and maybe over giving or over accommodating. And I want to distinguish what it means to give from a healthy place and give from a sustainable place, not just like, yes to everything and then not losing yourself in the process. And also, we're going to look at some of the blocks to giving and actually the surprising part of giving, which is receiving. And most people tend to think of these things as opposites, right? There's giving and receiving, and they're different things, and they're the sort of two poles, like, you know, on off, light, dark, that sort of thing. Like two poles of a spectrum. But actually they're not. So let's get into it. First and foremost, this is the biggest obstacle I see again and again in dating and relationships is we're not focused on giving, and we're not even necessarily focused on receiving. We're focused on what we're getting. We're focused on taking. Honestly, now, we might not say it that way because that sounds bad, but if you look at our emotional state and our level of consciousness and how we're approaching others and how we see others, we're focused on what I can get and what I can take. So think about that. Let's say you're dating and you want to approach someone, you're attracted to them, or you reach out to them online or in an app or whatever medium. Tune in, just be honest. This is just you and you looking at yourself and I'm here guiding. When you look at that person you're attracted to in real life on an app, whatever, and you're going to move towards them in some way and just try to set up a connection, are you thinking about what you can give in that moment or are you thinking about what you can get? What am I going to get from this person? Or in a way, how do I take what I want? Because taking. What's the difference between getting and taking? Well, in my thinking, when I think about taking is almost like, I'm going to get this no matter what. So you could give something to me and I get it, but I also might just take it and you might say, well, hey, look, can we really take that outside of illegal context, of where we kind of physically take something or violate someone? But we're not talking about that, but we can still kind of take it in a way by manipulating. And again, people don't like this. They're like, I'm not a manipulative person, I'm not a bad person. And no, you're not, you're not a bad person. But when we're fearful, when we're in scarcity, when we're in low confidence and we think, I need love, I need love from you and I'm not good enough to get that love because of whatever reason, instantly we're in the manipulation mode. We're in the I'm going to do a certain dance to win you over. I'm going to say what I need to, I'm going to hide what I need to. I'm going to do whatever I need to to take your approval, that's one of the first things we're looking to take from someone. I'm trying to take your approval. I'm trying to get control of your mind or your emotions so you feel positively towards me. Come on, isn't that true on some level? You see someone you're attracted to, don't we want to make sure that they like us? And if they don't, whether it's the first interaction or a first date, aren't we kind of afterwards being like, I should have done that differently. Oh, I need to do that. Okay, next time. That's how I'm going to take it better next time. Right? So, and same thing Goes for longer relationships. Oh, man. This is especially common in longer term romantic relationships. Marriages. People have been together for five, 10, 20 years. If it's going poorly or maybe not like awful, but people are sort of dissatisfied. They're a little distant. They kind of have separate lives or they fight or they bicker, or they sit at a meal and just like, don't want to interact with each other. You know, the kind of things that, you know, that was my models of relationship. And I was always like, right, and what's going on? There is still this focusing on, what are you gonna give to me? What are you gonna get from me? What are you gonna do for me? You didn't do enough for me. You're not doing that. You're not doing this. I don't like this. You didn't do that, right? There's usually a huge lack of appreciation and, or expression of that appreciation. And people are like, yeah, of course I don't. Because they haven't done A, B, C and D. And I'll appreciate them when they do A, B, C, D and E. And not only are they not doing the things that I want, they're doing things that I don't like. And I told them not to do X, Y and Z. And so I can'. Give them love and appreciation until they also do X, Y and Z. And besides, they're a slob and they leave things messed up and they're not doing that and they're not doing this. Oh, yeah, I love them. I love them. My life partner. Love my life. Why are you treating them like that? Because the longer we spend time with someone, the more that they're just kind of in our lives, you know? Like, think about this. You meet this first date with this amazing person, it's just a whole different frame, right? You're like, they just came into your life. You really want it to work. They're amazing. Oh, my God. My life could be so beautiful with them. Flash forward 10 years. You got a couple of kids, you got responsibilities, you got a house. The toilet needs to be fixed in the bathroom. And they're not fucking calling the plumber like they said they would. Whatever's going on, right? And it just becomes more like day to day life. And then we can take out our frustrations on whoever's around us. I'm upset because you didn't call the plumber. I'm upset because you didn't give me enough attention when I got home. And sometimes people know not to say that stuff, although it does slip out but then what happens is they just create this, like, big rift. And then, so they're sitting, you know, later in the evening, and we got the TV on, we got our phones in our laps because, like, oh, my God, we need a lot of screens. We can't actually interact with each other and look at each other. And then we don't want to bring it up. It's like, I don't want to start a fight. How you doing? That was good. How was your day at work? Okay. All right, well, you're going to go back to your screen. Cool. I'm going to go back to mine. And we leave separate lives, and that's dismal. So what we need to do is we need to shift to what we can give. Not what we can get, but what we can give. Not what we can take, but what we can give. And not just like a. Okay, I'm doing this little trick as another manipulation tactic. Like, oh, I'll focus on what I can give so then I can take more. No, it's got to fundamentally shift. In fact, the relationships that thrive, that are truly extraordinary, they get better and better and better every year. Guess what both partners are focused on most of the time. What they can give, what they can give. And people have fear about this. They say, well, hold on a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, look at my partner. I mean, have you seen what a selfish SOB that person is? If I give and give and give, they're just going to take and take and take. Look, I'm a giver. They're a taker. So I got to be a taker now, too. It's like, whoa, is that really true? Because sometimes people just fall into roles, fall into habits. And sometimes the way we see somebody influences how they show up. Have you ever seen that? You imagine someone's gonna be irresponsible, and the next thing you know, they're calling to cancel on something. You're like, I knew it. Versus, if you hold people in a certain way, like, yeah, this person's gonna follow through. Maybe they do follow through. It's the standard, the mental and emotional standard, the energetic standard you have for them. Even if you don't communicate it directly, you're communicating it indirectly with energy, with voice tone, with all kinds of other stuff that you can't see or describe, and they're influenced by that. So how are you holding this person that you love? In fact, Krishnamurti, this meditation teacher, talks about, are you really looking at your partner or your date or your lover or this Person who's in your life, your spouse, whatever, are you really looking at them when you see them in the morning, when you're sharing tea or coffee or getting ready to bring the kids to school or whatever, or when they're talking to you about some logistics, are you really looking at them or is it, are you really knowing them in that moment or is it just like, oh, there's that person. Handle this stuff and you move on? Are you really seeing how they change day to day, their evolution, their growth, their physical change, their emotional change, their mental change, their spiritual change? Do you have a fixed idea of them that's just the same? And so what we want to do is we want to break these patterns because here's the thing, you forget about your partner for a second or if you're single, forget about the person you're going to meet. You to create extraordinary relationships, to feel the most love possible in this life, in your relationships, need to show up in this way that I'm talking about of giving, of opening, of seeing, what can I contribute, what can I share, what can I give? And then what happens? Then you receive. And then you receive more than is imaginable because you're not taking it. And taking like squeezes down and minimizes what we can get. But receive, there's no end to what you can receive. And that's part of the giving as well. I want to talk about that. So it's not just one sided giving, but the way that you receive is through trust. You give and then you open to receiving. You don't take it back, you don't keep score. And I see this often, people like, well, okay, I gave, I gave for two days and they didn't give anything back. So now I'm never going to give again. It's like, okay, what was that really coming from? Right? Wasn't it just a fancy manipulation tactic? So what does this look like in practice? Well, when you see that person, first of all, first of all, actually forget about anyone else knowing that you have something to give. Because sometimes our self esteem can be so low, our confidence in love and relationships can be so low, we're like, I got nothing to give, I just need to take because I got nothing. And that's total bullshit. That's not true. That's just a story. That's like a diminished, limited, negative identity that you've had for yourself for however long that you can just let go of right now in this moment, point of destruction of that old story can just go away, be dissolved. Maybe it just happened for some of you. And then what's true? Of course you have something to give. What do you have to give? Now, forget about. I used to think this when I was younger. Well, in order to be worthy of a relationship, I have to have something to give. And what I need to give is, well, I don't have anything to give. And what did I think about? It was all still about me, right? It was like, what do I have to give? Well, I got to be good at sports. I got to look a certain way. I got to, you know. So I'm giving the person the gift of my physical physique or something. I'm giving them the gift of, like, the significance of being with someone who's good at sports. It was all significance based. I gotta be good enough so that then I can give to them. Actually, there was no giving in my psychology. It was like, I'm gonna be good enough and then they're gonna fall for me, they're gonna want me, and then I'm gonna get more. It's all about getting back then. So that's not how it works. The things that maybe you could feel like you're special about or you've achieved a lot in, those are cool. Those give you a sense of significance, maybe a sense of direction or goals or meaning or purpose. But they're not gonna. They're not about love. Those are different things. Love is about what you can give. And what you can give is the simple stuff, the stuff that you have already inside of you. So first and foremost, the most important thing that you can give. Guess what it is. Guess what it is. Your attention. That's it. Your consciousness, your awareness. What an amazing gift. And what shocks me is how little we give this. And sometimes we can be so wrapped up in our head that sure, we're looking at the person, we're talking to them, but we're not giving our. We're giving like 30% of our actual awareness to that person. 70% is focused on who? Me. Me. What am I going to say next? Am I looking good? Are they going to like me? Is this tactic working? What's happening? Or other social anxiety or control or fear or whatever? But what if you're really there with someone? Really there? Have you felt that? Have you been in that state and given that attention to someone and seen how they responded? Or vice versa? Like someone was that way with you? You know, my wife is amazing with this. She's got just such a capacity, really deeply present, and I think I do too. And sometimes we'll be on a date together or whatever and then we'll be out and about, there's no kids around and we'll be talking. And then someone will come and interact with us for whatever reason. It could be because we're at a restaurant or it could be something else. And the person will all of a sudden can't help themselves from sharing a bunch with us, kind of stuff that you wouldn't imagine that they might share this and then that and then that. And we're just listening to them. And I think what it is is they feel, they say a little bit and they feel this presence and this attention because I think that's just how we operate unless we're stressed or whatever and how we operate. And then it's like a flower, it's like a plant that needs water and it's like, ah, give me liquid, right? And that's how you are with you, with your presence. You know, whether someone you're attracted to, someone you're interested in, someone you're already in a relationship with. When you give them that attention, think of it like it's a flower that can start to open. And that means really looking at them, really seeing them and truly being curious about them. Not just like, I'm curious enough to know if you're into me and if you'll sleep with me or if you'll be my husband and give me a baby or whatever. We're trying to get out of the situation, right? I'm really curious about who you are, who are you in the world? How do you move? What would it be like to interact with each other? What lights you up? And here's a great way to approach someone in dating. What lights him or her up and how quickly can I figure out one of those things and do it? What an interesting game. What a totally different frame to approach someone from. I wonder what lights them up. How would you find out? Could you even ask them that as a text over the app? What are two things that light you up? What makes you smile? What do you love? What are you interested in? What are you passionate about? What are you excited about? What are you looking forward to? What do you do for fun? These are the questions that might just pour out of you when you're really trying to discover what lights that person up? Making a game of this and finding a way to do it. And you can do it right away early on. Now you might be wondering at this point, and of course this applies to a longer term relationship you might already Know what lights them up and you're just not doing it. So what if you did it once a day? Now, of course, I hear the objection in some people listening right now, which is like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen, you wrote the book Not Nice. You're like the not nice guy. So you're supposed to, you know, you're telling me I'm just going to be this nice person who just does whatever they want and they say jump and I say, how high? And I just do it. No, this is very different than coming from a place, because niceness is coming from this place. I'm not okay as I am. I need your love and approval to feel okay. What do you want me to say and do? I'll do it. This is very different. This isn't pleasing. This is serving. This is contribution. And it's an intelligence thing. It's like an emotional and social intelligence, an energetic intelligence to be able to pick up on something that the person's communicating, what lights them up, and then being able to do it in a skillful way. I mean, think about this in terms of lovemaking, right? Imagine you're gonna sleep with somebody and they're like, well, I don't really care too much about my partner's experience. I'm mostly focused on getting off. Raise your hand if you're turned on. Right now, some of the guys are like, yeah, that sounds pretty good, right? But most people, first of all, probably all women listening, but even most men, ultimately, in the long run, they might say that that's great. Maybe you're a bit of a dry spell and you'll like, take whatever you can get. But long term in a relationship, that kind of focus, not that satisfying, right? And what's a lot more satisfying is what lights my lover up. What can I do that would make him or her feel so good? And then I know that if I light someone up like that, of course they're going to want to reciprocate. And so again, this is service, not giving or not pleasing from a place of niceness. And the big difference there is going to be the underpinning of fear. And I need this for you to be okay. Whereas you're coming from this place that I'm talking about and you go over to that person and you like, why not? You're curious about them. Now. You could walk up to a stranger and be like, what lights you up? You know, if you want to go the intense, profound route. But you can also be like, hey, what are you guys doing here? I noticed you're outside of this thing. Did you guys go inside? Was it good? What was happening? Oh, interesting. Hey, I have a question for you. I'm really curious for both of you guys. What's something that you love to do? What do you do for fun? Oh, yeah. Well, what lights you up about that? Oh, interesting. So, you know, I'm playing out a little conversation here. This is called a role play. And now I'm finding what lights that person up. And here's the thing. If partway through that interaction, they're like, yeah, anyway, it was great. Now please don't talk to me. Okay, have a great evening. I'm gonna move on to see who else I can give to. Because what I'm looking for is I'm looking for who I can give my attention, my energy, my love to who's ready to receive it. That's what I'm looking for. And I'll find out, is this person ready to receive? No. Okay, well, let's move on to someone else. And it has nothing to do with like, oh, my gosh, I guess what I'm giving is shit, right? I mean, that's. Again, you could make up that story and you could live in that reality for however many years and suffer, or you can realize the truth of some people are open to that energy. Some people are open to it, Some people resonate with me. And what I have to give is not going to be everyone. So let me just move on to those people as quickly as possible that are receptive to it. And here's the other thing, receiving as part of giving. So another difference that this giving is then from the nice person is the nice person will give out of fear. I got to do this for you so you'll like me and I'll feel okay. And. And they can't really receive what's coming back. So they give, but they don't feel a sense of relief when the person's like, thank you. They'll be like, yeah, okay, they thank me today, but I gotta do it again tomorrow to make sure they still keep liking me, right? It's like this fear energy that doesn't stop. Whereas with this kind of giving that I'm talking about, you give and then you open to receiving. So you light. You know, you say something like, what do you do for fun? And you watch the person smile as they tell that to you. And as they light up, you receive. And then they say something like, well, what about you? What do you do for fun? Now they're giving their gift, their attention back to you. And you light up, and you let yourself light up. You don't be like, well, enough about me. Let's keep it back on you. I'm uncomfortable, but focus on me. Thank you very much. Like, no, no, now you're blocking the very thing that you want to experience, which is love. Love is two ways. You give and you receive. And so you need to be able to expand your capacity. So if you get some story in there that says I'm not worthy or, oh my gosh, I'm so uncomfortable with people looking at me or attention on me. I mean, we do this at our unlimited dating and relationship confidence event, which is coming up, as you heard in the beginning of the episode. And we're doing the super early bird special right now. Plug, Plug, you should come. But we have people do experiences with a deeply connect and look at somebody else and interact with them in some very basic ways. Very basic. And guess what? So many of us are actually very uncomfortable with basic interaction and being seen. I'm not talking about chit chat, like, oh, where'd you come from? Cool. Blah, blah, blah. That's what we do. We interact with people and we keep this kind of distance, though. I'm talking about, like, people really looking at each other, paying real close attention to each other, really giving their focus and their consciousness to each other. And guess what, people, at first, a lot of people are very uncomfortable. They'll talk about like, whoa, that was so uncomfortable. But guess what? By the second day, not so much. Probably by the second day for a lot of people, especially by the third day for everyone. People love it, they're hungering for it. And so I always ask them, like, if you felt that much discomfort on day one doing this basic thing, what do you think it's gonna be like when you talk to that person you're really attracted to? What do you think it's like when you're on that date and they're really looking at you and you're really looking at them, or with your partner, with your lover? How much are you going to subtly, unconsciously shut down receiving that attention because of some bullshit story that you're not worth it or some past pain that you're trying to block your heart from? So we got to be able to open, we got to be able to receive. That's really one of the things that we do in a deep way at that weekend. So what are we going to do here and how are we going to turn this into action? Time for Action, action, action. Your action step for today is to focus on what can I give? In the next interaction you have, it could be someone that you're going on a date with or it'd be awesome if you could bring this directly into your love life because that's what they're focused on, this episode. But you know, you could also do it with a colleague, co worker, a friend, a stranger. But just focusing on that what can I give? And noticing what that's like and then seeing if you can find this is the next level stuff. There's a beautiful. It's the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. And in it there's a line that says, it is in the giving that we receive. And I love that line because there is some truth, not some truth, there is profound truth in that where when you really are in the moment of the giving, it's not like, okay, I'm gonna give to you and then you're gonna give to me and now I receive. I mean, that is one level. But there's actually something that, like in the giving, in the exact moment of your giving, you might. You can feel receiving, you can feel yourself filling up. Like they light up. You light up in the giving. So whether you experience that or just notice what it's like to give or if it's uncomfortable to give, good, you know, just cause it's uncomfortable, you don't want to avoid it. That means there's something to work through. So maybe doing this action step will kind of push a button and give you something to work through and work on. And that's fantastic as well. And one more time I'll mention it because today's the last day. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com shrinkforthyguy.com and click down below this episode or on the right side of the page to get to the events to book that. Highly encourage that. And I would love to see you there because those weekends are magical. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.