How To Deal With A Difficult Father! Q&A

Does your dad suck? Well, I don't know about that, but do you have a difficult father? Do you have a challenging relationship with your father? Do you perhaps even have an abusive father? If so, watch this episode. I'm gonna be answering a question about that today. Hey, Dr. Aziz here. And this is the art of extraordinary confidence. This is the show for you if you want to maximize your confidence in every area of life that matters. And nothing affects our confidence more than in a lot of ways, how we're treated when we're young and growing up. And I got a question recently on the YouTube channel from a younger viewer who still lives at home, I believe, with his parents. And he said, hey, how do I deal with a difficult father, an abusive father? And that's tough, you know, if there's no simple one quick fix, like just say these three things and do that and your problem's solved. This, the truth is, it's challenging and it takes a toll on you. Living with anyone who is critical, hyper critical or abusive is going to take a toll on your confidence, your self esteem. If you have the greatest self esteem and confidence in the world and you're living in an abusive relationship, whether it's a romantic partnership or with a parent or sibling or something, over time that's going to erode your confidence, it's going to wear it away. Because no matter how firm you are in yourself, that messaging day after day after day, it's going to get to you. So ultimately the best solution is to get out of that environment. Now I know that is perhaps not immediately doable in a lot of situations, but a lot of situations it is for people. If you're in an abusive relationship, get out. I know that sounds so simple and so obvious and it's like, well, it's more complex than that, but ultimately that's going to be the best solution for you and your confidence. And I found that as people's confidence and self esteem grows, they have a, more, more of a sense of outrage of what's happening to them and they feel like a sense of entitlement to leave, like, hey, I don't deserve to be treated this way. But let's say you're living with that person or you're stuck with that person or you can't leave for some reason, maybe you can't get out of the house, you're dependent on them financially, so what can you do? One, Minimize contact. Minimize contact with your dad. Be out, go to school, spend time after class, join a sport, be with friends, just go, go do whatever and then come home for dinner or whatever and minimize contact as much as possible. Secondly, it's going to be super important is to really get that this is not about you. This is not about you. It's going to be hard to really emotionally see that because maybe he's pointing out things about you or is critical of you, or if they're abusive in any way, verbally, emotionally or physically, it just sends the message like, you're bad, you're unlovable, you're worthless, you're shit, you're dirt. Like, whether he says that and sometimes people do, or he just hits you and communicates that non verbally, or his energy or his contempt or his tone is like that when he's drunk or whatever, like that is poison. That's emotional poison. And so that's why minimizing contact is helpful. But another thing you got to do is you got to like expunge that. You got to suck out that poison. And one way to do that is to have a journal that you regularly write in where you remind yourself again and again and again. This is not about me. This is about him. His pain, his own abusive upbringing, his pain inside about his life or his addictions or whatever's going on with him that he's then feeling so bad inside that he just has to like blame something in his world and look who's there, his kid. And it's sad and it hurts and it makes my heart like, ugh. But that's part of what humans do, is we externalize our pain. So remember, though, it's not about you, it's about him. Keep reminding yourself of that. Write in that journal daily to be on your own side to expunge that poison. Another thing you want to do is develop healthy relationships, healthy attachments with other people. So other adults is. At least one other adult is optimal. Maybe your mom, maybe a coach or an older mentor or a teacher or someone in your community, someone that you can like have as a father figure. But it could be a woman as well, but a parental figure that is, that is loving, that accepts you, that sees the good in you, and that does a lot to neutralize the emotional poison coming from him. So look for that relationship. You don't have to go out and find it tomorrow, but just set an intention, like, I want to find that person, that mentor, that teacher, and just start looking for opportunities and moving towards them and just asking them questions and see if you can find that connection. And then of course, also great to build relationship with peers and Friends. This one's a little trickier because, I don't know, sometimes when people are feeling bad at home, you've gotten the message they're not good enough. They tend to seek out peer groups that are suboptimal. They tend to find, like, bullies and hang around with them and be the bottom of the pecking order. So find healthy friendships. Friendships where you support each other, where you're interested in each other, where you can talk authentically about what's going on. Friends where vulnerability is not attacked and just mocked, but is encouraged and supported. And sometimes at the age of high school, that shit doesn't exist. It's really rare. Most people are very closed off and scared and just trying to survive the jungle, and so their vulnerability is sort of attacked. But if you can create those relationships at that young age, super protective as well. Yep, that's. That's what I got. There's probably so much more. I wish we could get in there and. And it really help him because that's the. The ultimate source of this all. But people, when people like that are really suffering, they're usually not even open to it. So I wish you all the best. I know it's hard, and one last thing I'll say is, it gets better. Life is gonna get so much better. If you've been dealing with this for much of your life, like, this is all, you know, like, you're 16 or 18 and you're like, shit, this is life. This is not life. You're just at the beginning. It might feel like you've been alive forever. And, you know, like, oh, yeah, this is what life is. You don't, to quote Game of Thrones, you know, nothing. Jon Snow. Like, if I look back, I'm 35 now. I look back when I was 25, like, I knew nothing. Back at 15, I really knew nothing. Like, life is gonna unfold in mysterious and magical ways for you, especially if you keep focusing on your own growth. And if you're watching this channel, fuck, yeah, that's incredible. At whatever age you are. So keep doing that. Keep growing. It's gonna not feel like it's happening rapidly, maybe, but over time, you're gonna look back and you're saying, wow, my life is so much better now, and you'll be so much happier, and you're not gonna have that toxic emotional environment. And ultimately, ultimately, ultimately, you're going to look back and you're going to see the value in this seemingly terrible relationship, this thing that seems so awful that you never choose you never wish upon anybody but you're going to look at that and say wow because of that now this is the man that I am today or the woman that I am today this is the person that I am today and I'm going to be able to go out and do this I'm able to give in the ways and I look at the worst events in my life and the things that were the most painful and and how they shape me and groom me to give the most be the most and really ultimately be the person that I am so that will emerge in time but for now take care of yourself get that connection with an adult with friends that journal and I wish you all the best awesome share below your experience in the comments maybe you are relating to this maybe you got some words of encouragement for this young man and we can all support each other to grow till we speak again may have the courage to be who you are to know on a deep level that you're awesome.