How To Deal With Criticism!

How do you deal with criticism? Is it something that you're pretty confident about, you can handle and do fine with, or does it kind of derail you and maybe you live in fear of it? Often you're afraid of future criticism even before it happens. You're kind of bracing yourself and trying to do things perfectly so you don't get criticized or. I've seen a lot of people do this, and honestly, I've been there myself a lot. You look like you handle it fine on the outside, like, oh yes, he seems so confident. She can handle it so well. But. But inside you're a mess. You're angry and defensive and sad and scared and feel like a failure, but you just kind of keep that hidden from everybody. Well, regardless, if you're in either of those camps, watch this episode because I'm going to show you a powerful technique to really get a lot more comfortable and tolerant of criticism so it doesn't bother you so much. Stay tuned. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, and this is a show for you if you want to maximize your confidence in every area of life. If you're benefiting from these episodes and you want to watch more to grow faster, click the subscribe button below the little bell notification next to it. You'll find out when they come out, because the more you immerse yourself in these videos, the faster your confidence is going to grow and the better your confidence is, the better your life is. There's a direct correlation there. So criticism, how do we deal with it and how do you currently deal with it? Do you live in fear of it? Are you trying to make sure you avoid it at all costs? That's the downside, is if you don't handle criticism well and you're afraid of it, then you will tend to minimize yourself. You won't speak up, you'll keep silent, you won't take risks, you won't put yourself out there. You won't be the center of attention because all those things might lead to someone criticizing you. And then therefore, now your life is very small and limited and you're not able to pursue what you really want and do what you're here to do, which leads to dissatisfaction, more anxiety, and ultimately depression and feeling bad. So the on that, let's go face that dragon of criticism. And what better way to do it than read you some criticism of myself? So here's a technique. I'm going to read you some criti. Well, just one specific criticism and I'LL show you how I deal with it. So what we often are trying to do is avoid criticism. We're trying to perform better so no one can criticize us. We're trying to be perfect so no one criticizes we over prepare for the presentation, so no one criticizes us. And yet we don't feel totally secure because, well, the next time someone criticizes you, you pulled it off this time, but look out. Or maybe they're criticizing you behind your back. You don't know it. So how do we deal with that? The freedom comes from being okay with people criticizing you because, you know, anything that we're afraid of, if we face it, we gain power. Anything that's true for every fear. So how do we face it? Well, you face the criticism. So let me share about how I did this. So one of the ways that I'm criticized regularly is through the Internet. Hooray. Maybe you are too, right? So videos, these YouTube videos, podcast episodes and books. I put books out there. I've written three to date and I'm working on number four. And so people can write reviews on Audible and Amazon and other places. And, you know, reviews range from great to negative. And so there were some new ones and I like to read them. And I know some authors don't read their reviews, but I like to see what people say. It actually helps me think about for the next book, is there are there things that I could improve? And I see it as a muscle builder for my ability to not be reactive to criticism. And so I was scanning through and there's my latest book, Not Nice. Has a lot of positive reviews which feel nice. But you might have noticed this. We can like skim through the positive ones and be like, oh, cool, oh cool, oh cool. Oh my God, someone didn't like it. And then we're glued to the negative one. Right? So I was scanning through and there were some great five star, five star, five star, great book. Opened my mind. I love his sense of humor. I love that he reads it himself. All these positive things. And you might be wondering why I'm sharing that with you. Maybe so you go buy the book, but also to show that it's overwhelmingly positive and yet some people don't like it. And they not only don't like the book, they don't like me. And this used to tear me up inside. And then I thought, you know, this is crazy. Like a random person on the other side of the world or country or whatever could not like me. And I feel terrible about that. Like, that's a. That's a vulnerable place to be. And I don't mean like good Brene Brown kind of vulnerability. I mean like not healthy. Because then I could be thrown off my game by anyone at any time. So I was like, I want to strengthen this. So, you know, what I decided to do is make a meditation exercise out of criticism. So when there's a critical email or a critical review, what I do is I slow down and I read it thoroughly and I sometimes pause as I read it and close my eyes and notice my reactivity. So let me first read this one because it's a doozy. Here we go. Not nice. The book 1 out of 5 stars, which is the lowest rating you could give it. The title of the review is showy and unconvincing. Starting with the superficial. I found the narrator, who, who is also the author, a voice very unpleasant. In this recording at least, he sounded not just young, but immature and not at all like that of a professional adult. I realize his voice is something out of his control, so I tried to keep listening. I really tried. But between that and the hokey performance, I couldn't take him seriously. I just couldn't hang in there for another 17 hours. What I did manage to get though was at best unimpressive and at worst showy, amateurish and unconvincing. Both Dr. Aziz's narration and writing style are super casual and overly familiar. No, I don't want to be lectured by a stuffy old academic type. But seriously, I also don't want advice from a guy it sounds like I just met at a bar. He encourages you to be more selfish, which made me cringe. Yes, set boundaries. Be your authentic self. Don't fall into the guilt trap. But it's not all or nothing. You don't have to go from self doubt to selfish, from guilt to greed, from people pleasing to overcompensation. You can take care of yourself while being kind to others. Also, the cussing was a little bit much. It is possible to write an effective self help book without using profanity. I personally had a difficult time relating to Dr. Aziz's epiphany, which came during his college years over a video game and a bowl of noodles. I like that. I actually laughed when I read that one. That was good. Yes, there was more to his story, but I became a little over. But I became a little overwhelmed by all the time he spent describing his girl troubles and sex. It really seemed like this assertiveness training was coming from someone trying to make an awful lot out of a little life experience, which he has, he's making a career out of it. Maybe I'm not his target demographic. Maybe if I had stuck it out, I would have found substantive useful advice. But I think having to muddle through a self help book actually isn't helpful at all. Thankfully, Audible allowed me to exchange this work for another title. Had I done my homework and visited Dr. Aziz's website first, I would have steered clear of this book. It's full of gimmicky self promotion. Seriously. There's even a swimsuit clad picture of him and his wife locking in a cheesy oceanic embrace at the very bottom of the about page. Dr. Aziz appears to be the latest edition of well educated self help hacks trying to make a name for themselves. So I have to say that my reaction to that as I read it, his amusement, his humor, I on some weird level enjoy it now. That was not normal for me. That was not natural for me. My default is to be like. And so even when I was first reading that, I did the same practice I've been doing for it's been more than a year now is making a meditation of it. So I slow down, close everything else out, start to read that and notice, and then if I feel something coming up in me, I'll slow down. And that was happening the first time I was reading it. I noticed sometimes an urge to defend myself, an urge to explain, it's all trying to convince that person to not see me that way. And so whenever I notice that, I just like relax and let go and see how to come back into my center and see this is not about me. This is about their perspective. And they can have whatever perspective they want. I don't need to convince them of anything and just surrendering again and again and again. And it used to be like I would spend an hour almost doing that. And this one was probably like, I don't know, four or five minutes of just kind of letting any hooks go and then reading it is actually very amusing. I find it like, I'm like, that's good. Like they really are crafting their critique. It's like a thought out piece. There's a point, there's follow up evidence, there's language, there's multiple adjectives strung in a row. Like it's almost like a writer wrote that. And I find some of those things amusing. And some of those things I agree with too. Like the picture she's talking about the me and Candace and the beach. Like I didn't even like that Photo. When we took it, it was like a wedding photographer's like, let's have you on the beach. Cause he happened to be on the same. He lived in Hawaii where we did our honeymoon. And so he's like, I'll come out on the beach bonus for the wedding photos. I'll do some ocean pictures with you. And so he's like, sunset's gonna be great. And then we're at sunset, and he's like, all right, grab her. Now tip her. Yeah, now look into her eyes. Perfect. There. Now look. Loving. And I'm like, oh, this is so awkward. And I felt so uncomfortable doing it. And then, you know, the picture, though, is very beautiful, and Candace loved it. It was romantic. And then, you know, my. One of my people on my marketing team saw it, and he's like, oh, that's perfect. Let's put it on the about page. And I'm like, oh, God, that picture. Come on. So cheesy. And he's like, no, it's great. I'm like, all right. You know, and so there it is. And whenever I see it on the page, I'm like, it's so cheesy. But I take it as, like, embarrassment, inoculation, to get over myself, to not be so concerned about someone might think it's cheesy. And so when I read that, I just. I kind of laughed out loud. I was like, yeah, I agree. That photo, right? So how can you use this? Can you. And here's the thing. To get to this level of lightness and humor around it, you have to do the work. You have to do those meditations. You have to slow. Slow down and notice what the hooks are. Because at this point, and I've actually consciously sat down and said, what are the things that someone could say about me that would trigger me? And then I sat with each of those until I got okay with that. Because the more you do that, the more free you become, because then you no longer have to protect yourself from criticism. And now someone could say whatever they want. The book is too long. The book is too short. I sound stupid. I sound amateur. The cursing, like, every single one of those things, it's like, I'm okay with. And the funny thing about the cursing for that book, the first time I got that critique on this book, not nice. I was like, really? I thought. I didn't curse at all in there. Because my last book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, that was just trash, Filth, full of curse words everywhere. And so I was like, you know, a lot of feedback around that. Some people loved it, some people hated it. So the next book I was like, hey, I don't want to alienate anyone with cursing. Like, I don't have to write a book with cursing. I thought it was fun the last time. So I decided on not nice. I wasn't going to curse, but apparently I did enough to offend people. So we'll see if the next one I don't know, Maybe I can't stop myself. Anyway, so this all comes back to being okay with who you are and the more okay you are with yourself and that maybe you know some of the things you do. Yeah, maybe you do talk too much at certain times. Maybe you do, I don't know, drop the ball or forget things. And if you don't need to defend against that all the time. Like, yeah, sometimes I do forget things. Yeah, sometimes I go on a little long. The more free you are from that fear of criticism. So hope you found this entertaining and useful. Share your comments below. What are you getting out of this video? What are you going to use? How is this going to support you in your life? Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.