How To Deal With Guilt About Saying No While Dating

And now it's time to ask the shrink. Hey, welcome to this bonus episode of.

Shrink for the shy guy. This is a question about dating and feeling guilty when you don't want to have a second or third or fourth date with somebody. Something that I know many of us can relate to. And I actually recorded the answer to this question while I was out walking. So the audio quality is a little bit lower than here in the studio. And the content was so good, I wanted to share it with you instead of trying to re record it because I think I hit on some really good stuff there. So just let the ambient noise of birds and the occasional car be part of the experience. All right, here we go. Enjoy.

Here's a question from a listener named Emily. Emily says, hey, Dr. Aziz, you are the most amazing man in the world. Actually, that's not how she starts her question at all, but that's what I read because that's what confidence is. You just read into everyone telling you that you're awesome all the time. No, but she says, hey, Dr. Zeis, how are you? I want to reach out and ask you a question for you to answer on your show. It's about dating. I remember you talked about when you used to date that when you used to date women, you felt if the woman liked you, you felt responsible for making her feel very special. I notice that is coming up for me in dating as well. I experience so much guilt and have a hard time noticing what feels right for me without thinking about how I might hurt the other person. I want to date around semi casually, but feel so bad when someone wants more. I was curious how you worked through that when you were dating and what your thoughts are. So great question, Emily. I'll start by saying that you are awesome. And that's really not just a platitude that I say at the end of these episodes, but it's a reminder of a core truth that when we really get it, transforms our confidence and then therefore, our lives, including our dating and relationship lives. So I picked this question because I know how much I experienced that in dating and really how common that is for listeners of this show and anyone that comes to my events or part of my programs. It's just a big facet of dating. There's kind of this glamorous view of dating around. I know for me, it was like, first of all, just, wow, if I could get a date, that would be the most amazing feeling in the world. And it was. It's an amazing feeling to be able to reach out to someone that you're drawn to and connect. And not every one of them says yes, but to have someone who does say, yeah, I want to go further, you know, that's. That's amazing. That's a really energizing and possibility opening experience. At least it was for me. So then, so far, so good. But, you know, just because you date someone doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with them or you want to marry them or have a family with them. You're just spending some time with somebody, really. I mean, we can call it dating. You're spending some time with somebody, you're interacting with somebody, you're having multiple conversations or sharing activities or maybe even having sex with each other, whatever level of connection and intimacy you want to go to, Then there's something different, which is like, hey, let's partner up. Want to be my partner? Let's saddle up. And that's a different thing. And in my dating life, what I. Okay, so I went from not being able to date anyone to I could ask women out and, you know, and I could. I had this experience, this little flurry where I was dating several women, very short, because once I connected with the woman, once I actually was, the tipping point was when I slept with a woman, then I would adopt a certain role. And that doesn't have to be the trigger for you, Emily, or for anyone listening. You could have a different trigger. You might have that trigger after a first date or after a first kiss or after a third date. It doesn't have to be a physical thing like sleeping together. It could, but that's often one for people. It could just be any moment where, okay, now we've tipped over from I'm just we're spending time together to now we're dating or now we slept together. So now something happens, and then there's a role that kicks in. And you might have a term for this role, you might not. I didn't have a term for this role because I didn't think, oh, now I'm her boyfriend. Especially because I was like, oh, I'm dating around. But it didn't matter. It doesn't matter what you call the role. It's a mental construct. It's a whole basket of rules and ways that you have to be. So that's my first thing to suggest that you reflect on Emily and anyone listening is, what's that tipping point for you? And then can you get a sense of that role? Because when you're feeling guilty, what's happening is you are not following. You're not living up to the rules of a certain role. And then you feel bad and you feel. People can either feel shame, like, oh, they're not going to love me. I'm not good enough, or guilt, I'm such a bad person. And you're not a bad human. You are perhaps bad at living up to that role. But that role might be nothing that you want. That role might be just a bunch of ideas and rules and guidelines and restrictions on who you really are. And this is so common. People can be so free and excited, and they think all the freedom and excitement of dating someone new is because it's a new person. And there is definitely something about novelty, right? But there could also be a lot of, like, insecurity and awkwardness and not knowing the person with novelty. So novelty can. Can be everything. It doesn't necessarily mean it's exciting, but we attribute all that excitement and energy and a new connection to the fact that it's new. Actually, what it is is people, especially when they're feeling. Maybe they're hitting their stride, they're feeling more confident, they're dating around, they're being more themselves. Because that. If you're dating around, that means you're attracting multiple potential people that want to date you. That means you're emitting something good. You're being more attractive. And being more attractive, as we talked about in a recent episode, is not about, you know, having more abs or thinner thighs or bigger biceps or more money or whatever we tell ourselves. Being more attractive is about emitting more energy. And I know that doesn't mean bouncing off the walls and jumping up and down. That means emitting more of your signal, of your beacon. Hey, this is me, your own unique, energetic frequency of you, you, Ness. And that's your humor. The interest that you have, the passion that you have, the lightness in your eyes that you emit, that people feel when they interact with you. Even if they're not even looking at you, they just talk to you on the phone or read your dating profile. They feel it. So if, Emily, you're dating around, then you're doing this. And when we're doing this, we're not in a role where we're just being you. And it feels really good and it's very attractive. And so we attract these people and they come into our lives and they're like, ah. And then all of a sudden, whatever that tipping point is, boom. Okay, now I gotta play this role. So what are the rules of your role that are messing you Up. That's the second question. First question is, what's the tipping point that causes me to go into that role? Then number two is what are the rules of the role that mess me up? So that role that I would go into, I don't know if I ever put a name to it, but if I ever put a name to it now, it's something like, you know, knight in shining armor or something. That feels like a bit of a cliched phrase, but, you know, it's like I gotta save her in some way and sort of swoop her off her feet and delight her and amaze her and make her feel like the most special woman in the world. And you might say, well, jeez, that sounds really sweet and romantic. And it is when it's coming from an authentic place. Because what I'm describing there, when you. When you meet someone and you're just like, wow, wow. And you're moved by them and you just think about them and then you want to light them up, you want to delight them, you want to give to them, you think of ways to add to their lives. That's love. That's a beautiful. Might be infatuation too, but it's a beautiful phase. It's a beautiful experience. And if there's something lasting there, it goes beyond the infatuation phase. And you really have this long term burning desire to continually share and give and connect and receive in this beautiful experience with somebody. So that's fantastic. But you don't want to pretend that with everybody. And that's what I was doing. And so I had this. And what's behind that? Well, maybe I think if I'm that way, then how could she reject me? Because I'd be the most. She'd feel the greatest. So I'd be the most amazing man in the world. There's also a perception of others. Like, when we're in a role, we have rules for ourselves, but we also perceive others in a certain way. So the third question to reflect on is how do I perceive others? In this case for you, Emily, men that I'm dating when I'm in this role, and for someone else listening, if you're dating men or women or anyone, it's like, what the people that I'm attracted to, how do I perceive them when I'm in this role? When you think about it, like for me, and it sounds like similar for you, Emily, like, I would perceive them as like, very fragile, like emotionally weak, incapable, like childlike in a way, like, oh, she can't Handle this, She'd be crushed. She'd just be sobbing like, just man. Right. Because we look at that level of guilt, it's like, how could you do that to somebody? Well, do what to them? Well, destroy them in that way. Destroy them. Wow. Are they that incapable of feeling feelings and handling disappointment? I mean, I know I'm pretty amazing, so they'd be definitely very disappointed, but can they not handle that? Now this is intensified for people who have a history in relationships of a partner or family, relationships of a parent or something that did really lay on the guilt trip thick and said stuff that was very blaming and victimy, like, how could you do this to me? Now whether they said it directly or indirectly, you know, they would pout and withdraw and just be like, well, you didn't do this thing that you said you were going to do. And then, you know, that was like a common occurrence. And then they'd be be like, give you the silent treatment or do some other nonsense like that, you know, stonewalling some other one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse as described by John Gottman, a relationship therapist. Things that we do in relationship that really are not about connection and really erode the relationship over time, one of them is stonewalling. And so, you know, if you got that, you might have learned like, oh dear, I really better focus on, on being what this person wants or they can handle it. They won't be able to manage their feelings because they're telling me that. So maybe you got that message and that's okay. That's where a lot of these roles come from, is our previous relationships and including our families. But seeing that as deliberation saying, wow, that's not even true. That's not even true about this person in front of me. That's just something from the past. And that's the last thing we want to do in answering this question. So we want to really look at the person in front of you. And how about this? I attract people who are. I attract amazing people. I attract high quality people. I attract people who are emotionally intelligent, emotionally capable, emotionally expressive, self aware, loving, compassionate, energized, awake humans. That's who I attract. Why? Well, because that's what I am. That's who I am. That's what I'm stepping into. That's what I live. And so you, you know, you get back what you put out. And so if you're attracting that, there's no like, that's who I bring into my world. And if someone is not that, then that's not a good fit either. That's not right for me. And then there's also this super liberating tipping point that happens when we can just turn down the ultra empathic, caring, loving, like, I gotta, you know, this. Be such a good person like that. Look, that's, that's a great quality to be empathic and caring and loving and nurturing and attentive. I mean, if you don't have those things in a relationship or parenting, it's, you know, it's problematic, but too much of anything, it becomes a problem. You know, I don't know. Fruit, vegetables, they're great for you, but you can give yourself some diarrhea biting too many cherries. I've seen it. I've seen it happen. So stop giving yourself emotional guilt diarrhea by being so compassionately caring, like, oh, my heart, I care so much about everybody. It's like, okay, all right, well, what if we just turn the dial down a little bit? So instead of carrying, you know, if the scale goes from 1 to 10, 10 is like the most, most, most caring empathic person in the world, and that's eating you up inside. What if we just turn it down to like a seven and then like, you're, you know, that's caring enough to be a loving spouse or partner. Loving to children, you could give to charities. You can love the earth, love animals, be a vegan, whatever you want to do that comes from compassion at a seven. And what that does is when your dial is not turned all the way up, then when something comes in like, oh, man, that person's not okay. It's my fault. You just can just flick it off and be like, that's not my, that's not my deal. It. Nah, I don't need to take that on. Hey, if they don't like it, it's okay. They're fine. They can handle. They're a grown up, you know, and it's a little bit. You can hear this, a little bit of dismissive energy to it. And that might sound really bad or mean or wrong, but look, it's only that much. If that's your only response, that's the only thing you can do is dismiss people and their feelings. No, that's not you. That's not anyone listening here. And so what most of us need to do here is to just turn down our dial a little bit, and then it can be so much more fun and you can really enjoy that process. So there's a ton here. You might need to listen to this multiple times and take notes and really let some and reflect on some of these questions that I'm asking you to inquire into, because there's getting it intellectually and then there's getting it emotionally. So fantastic. Thanks for being with me today. I hope this serves you until we speak again and may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Sa.