How To Easily Approach Others With Confidence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you if you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today I want to share a simple tool that you can use to confidently approach anyone and get a much better response. And I think this is extremely important because if you have experience of social anxiety, and we talked about this in episodes a little while back, but social anxiety can be summed up as, you're not going to like me. I'm anxious about social interactions. Right. Because on some level I believe you're not going to like me. It's not going to go well. Projected dislike is the term for this in psychology. I'm imagining you're not going to like me. And to make matters worse, I imagine that that dislike is warranted because there is something wrong with me, there's something lacking in me, there's something unpleasant or unlovable about me that's gonna make you not like me and push me away. And that's warranted and that's really bad because I'm unlovable. And so if you don't like me, other people aren't gonna like me. You know, whether it's dating, like, I'm not, no one's gonna be with me or friendships, like, no one's gonna be my friend or work, like, no one's gonna wanna respect me or hire me. And so now I'm anxious. Not about your perspective, but I kind of have this brush fire fallacy. They call it in cognitive behavioral therapy as a thought distortion where I believe that everyone's going to think the same way. And so that's sort of the pattern of social anxiety in a nutshell. And so people that are working on this, and I was just talking about this with some people who are in Confidence University and they, and one of the students was like, okay, I'm challenging that. You know, the voice in my head that says, people don't want to talk to you. I'm actually challenging that and going over to talk to people however, I'm very nervous as I do it. And is the answer just a lot of repetition? Just keep doing it and then I'll become more confident. And I was like, yes. And so at a base level, right? Yeah. Just if the voice said, no one's going to talk to you, they're not going to like you. You're a weirdo. Stay away. You don't belong. And you say, you know what? I've listened to that voice for 20 years, 30 years, 50 years, whatever, and it's brought me to here in life. And I want more. I want more friendships. I want to be more free. I want to have more connection. I want to live. I want to live. So I'm going to live a different way. I'm going to challenge that voice. I'm going to do the opposite of what it says. And what you do then is you stop living in the closed loops of the predictions of your mind, and you actually start to connect with life out there and really see and feel and connect and meet other people and meet life with an open mind and an open heart, and you get to discover and learn what really happens. So that's great. And then, yes, if you repeat that enough, you start to realize, like, wait, actually, people do like me. Actually, people do want to be my friend. Actually, people do want to date me. And it's like, wow, that can be really heartening and exciting. And there can be some pitfalls along the way. One of them is that you, if you are imagining that someone's not going to like you, just think about that dynamic that's being created energetically and emotionally between you and them. Right. So I'm walking over towards you, and I can think back to myself when it came to, you know, approaching people for friendship or even dating. And let's say I'm gonna walk over to a woman and I imagine she's not gonna like me. She's gonna be repulsed by me. She's gonna be bothered that I'm talking to her. Okay, now, there I am about 10ft away. I'm moving towards her. There she is. She's terrifying. She's gonna reject me, and it's gonna show that I'm a worthless human and no woman's ever gonna wanna date me. So I really gotta make sure she likes me. So it proves that I'm lovable to women and I can't have a relationship. Here I go. I'm in, like, let's just distill it down to its simplest question. In that moment, am I open and Relaxed or am I closed and tense? Right. I'm tense now. I might also have a level of like courage on top of that, right? Like, I'm gonna do whatever it takes. Let's go, I'm sick of this. I'm not gonna live this way anymore. And there's something empowering about that. But is that conversation set up for success? No. And it could still go well, right? You could surprise yourself or maybe you get through that first moment, all of a sudden you open it up and it shifts. However, you kind of have this really interesting period of time where you can be taking action, but then you're getting rejected or the person doesn't want to talk to you, or they seem a little put off by you, and then it's because of this tension inside that's really sending a mixed message, right? Because part of you is moving towards them to have a conversation which is saying, hey, I'm open. I trust you at least enough to want to talk to you. And then your non verbals and your energy is saying, I don't trust you, mother Effa. Like you're gonna attack me, you're gonna reject me. You control my self worth and I hate you for it. It's weird mixed messages and the person's like, whoa, what's going on with you? Right? Even if they don't consciously know why, they might just want to move away. And so it's challenging because then you move in, your energy is kind of weird, you get rejected, or at least not as open of a response as you hope for. And then your mind is like, nah, I told you. You see, your safety police just goes to town on you. Well, look at this, another rejection. I mean, are you surprised? Look at you. You are one pathetic loser. So what do we do here? Well, this is such a common, predictable challenge in the process that I actually created an entire program to resolve it. It's called the Approval Assumption. And I have it as an audio and an ebook and we used to sell it separately, but now it actually comes as a bonus with Confidence University. So when you get Confidence University, you get a ton of bonuses and that's one of them. Now you can definitely listen to that. It's a whole audio program and go real deep. I'm going to share the essence of it with you here in this episode. And if you want to take it further, definitely consider getting Confidence University or a course from Confidence University and you will get that approval assumption as a bonus. But here's the essence of it. When you are relaxed and open you approach people in a very different way when you're trusting them, you're a different person around them, right? So you're not so guarded. And what I do with the approval assumption is I guide you to be able to access the version of you that is that relaxed, open, trusting version of you. And then when you're in that state, you're funny, you're charming, you're interesting, you're witty. Even if your critic says, no, no, no, I'm never those things. That's complete and total BS and you know it. I mean, come on, isn't there a friend that you've been around or a family member or a loved one where you're just relaxed? You're just you. Even if you have to go back in time. Sometimes I work with people and they're like, nope, I'm nervous all the time around everyone. And maybe they've been running the pattern of social anxiety so much so often that their brain is kind of habituated to it. And I say, okay, how about when you were 10 years old? How about when you were 9? How about you were 12? I mean, is there a time when you just felt relaxed around a best friend or a buddy or a group of friends or maybe in college or did you ever have someone. And maybe, you know, some people, it's currently, they're like, oh, well, I feel really nervous at work and socially, but I'm comfortable. And it's just me and my spouse. I'm like, great, wherever it is, whatever time period it was in, let's access it now. And so I invite you to do that with me right now. Is there someone in your life that you just feel totally comfortable around? And it could be in the past, too. Okay, great. Now I want you to really imagine that you're with this person and study it now. If you have the opportunity to hang out with this person in your life now, like you're currently connected with them, it's even more interesting because then what you do is you make a study of it. Go spend some time with them and then study this. How do you greet them? What kind of language do you use? What kind of words do you use? What kind of phrases do you use? How do you sit? How do you. How do you stand? How do you move? How do you breathe? How do you look at them? How much do you look at them? What kind of questions do you ask them? What's your attitude like? Are you curious? Are you playful? Are you challenging? Are you agreeable? Are you encouraging? Do you make a Lot of jokes. Are you funny? Are you more serious? Are you more inquisitive? Do you like to debate? What are you like when you're around someone that you love? And this is so important because when you're around someone that you love and care about, and you know they love and care about you, it doesn't mean you don't have fights here and there or you appear of disagreement or whatever, but overall, you know that your worth is not in question. They already approve of you. In fact, they're probably not even thinking about your worth. Right. They're not evaluating that. It's just like, oh, yeah, that's my brother, that's my friend, or that's my lover, that's my partner. Like, that's my kid, that's my dad, whatever. Like, it's just, that's that person. And then, because that's out of the question, that your worth is. You're no longer assessing it, you're no longer under threat. And then as a result, you get to be you. And so what we're uncovering through this inquiry is what do you like when you're relaxed, when you're open, when you're trusting, when your worth is not in question? And that's exactly what you're discovering when you reflect on it right now. You got it. You got a sense of it. And what I encourage you inside of the approval assumption program is we actually have you make a detailed list and write it all down. In the psychology field, they would say, codify it. That's like really making it a clear list of discrete things that are measurable, you can really look at and sense. So the reason you do that is because it makes it more and more clear to your conscious mind. Because a lot of these things you're doing unconsciously when you're around your friend or person that you love, okay, so now you have more clarity of what you're like, great. Now what you can do is you can practice bringing that familiarity, that assuming approval version of you into new and different environments. Now, there is a method to this madness where, you know, when I was younger and starting to build my confidence and, you know, the place I was really interested in building it was for dating, because I had been single, like my whole life and never really had a girlfriend of my choosing and felt like I really wanted to grow in this area, and that was the big driver for me. I didn't know any of this stuff, by the way, but if someone had taught me the approval assumption, and I said, okay, great, that sounds Pretty cool. Yeah. I'm comfortable around my friend Chris. Like, yeah, okay. And I got a sense of it and I'm ready to go. And they said, okay, great. You see that group of five women over there sitting at a table by themselves? Yeah. Walk over to them and assume approval. I would have been like, can I jump out of a window on the third story instead? Right. Because it's so much. Right. So you want to set yourself up to win. So you want to get some practice and some momentum with this assuming approval. So start out small. Is there some colleagues that you see a lot, but you tend to be a little bit more reserved around them. You're not terrified around them, but you're a little bit more reserved. Okay, practice there. Can you do it with a stranger? Someone you're not super attracted to or. No. High stakes or whatever? Just assume approval with a stranger. I do this all the time. In fact, once I practiced this for, I mean, I actually developed the technique through studying what I had sort of inadvertently stumbled upon in this confidence journey. And it just became a part of who I was and what I did. And I would have these really interesting experiences where I would just really like assume I would start conversations with people as if we'd already been having a conversation. And so someone would be flicking through a magazine, standing, waiting somewhere at the airport or something. And I would just saddle. I would approach them. Like, how would you approach a friend? It's a good buddy of yours, you guys are going on a flight somewhere together and your friend, you know, you went to go to the bathroom and your friend went to go into the newsstand to pick up something to read for the flight. And then, you know, you get back from the bathroom and you see across the store there, your friend's in the back corner flipping through a magazine. Okay. Can you imagine the scene with me right now? Great. How would you walk towards your friend? What would you say to start to resume talking to them? You walk over them and say, what you reading? You ready to go? Right. You can't flip through the magazines without buying it. That was mine. So that's what I might say to a buddy, right? It's like, hey, you can't look through those if you're buying it. Now why am I saying that? Well, that's sometimes what. I don't think they do that at airport kiosks, but some places back in the day used to tell you to not look through the magazines unless you're going to buy them. And so I remember one time I was walking through an airport, and there's this woman that I thought was cute. And I walked by and I saw her flipping through some magazine. And I walked up to her, I was like, hey, you can't just flip through those if you're not gonna buy them. And she kind of looked at me like, sort of like she got in trouble and was like, what? And then she looked at me and I'm like, I don't work there. I'm just some guy. And I'm kind of smiling and she laughs. And then we started a quick conversation. That was it. I didn't ask her out. We didn't date or anything. It was just like a 30, 60 second interaction. It was a fun moment. It was playful. Now, why did I do that? Did I do that to get her approval? Did I do that to get her number? To be her boyfriend? To get something from her? No, I did that because that's what I would do. That's what I do. When I am assuming approval, I'm playful. And so I see someone, I see an opportunity to make a joke. Boom, I did it. Now why did I do it with her and not some random other person? Because I was drawn to her. Because that little crackle of contact and energy was fun. Because something might have come of it. I don't know. I mean, if it turned into some deep conversation and we go spend, you know, a trip together, whatever, I don't know. But nothing did come of it. But it could. But that's not my point. That's not my purpose. My purpose is when I assume approval. This is what I do. This is how I approach people. So assuming approval is not just what you say, and it's not even just how you say it, and your voice tone and your energy and all that. It's also how you live in the world, who you approach, what you're drawn to, the actions that you take. The whole thing is like, what if my worth and my approval was not even. Was irrelevant, was not even on the table? Like, how would you operate? What if you were always approved of? What if you were 100% accepted everywhere you went? And your mind might say, I can't do that thought experiment as ease because I'm not 100% accepted. Okay, this is an alternate reality. It's a parallel universe. You walked through some weird door in the airport bathroom, you popped out and you're still in an airport. But all of a sudden, this flipped bizarro world. Everyone approved of everything, right? Okay, great. What would you do? How would you move how would you stand? How would you laugh? Who would you talk to? What kinds of bigger actions would you take in the world? Would you put your podcast out there? Would you put your videos out there? Would you put your art out there? Would you speak up? Would you disagree? Would you share? Who would you be if evaluation of approval was not an even relevant part of your consciousness? That's what we're accessing. And the more you can access this, the more when you approach people, your energy is wide open. And this doesn't mean that everybody likes you and everyone wants to be your friend and everyone's going to marry you. It's like, but your odds are the highest they're going to be because your channel is clean, your heart is open, you are just here I am. Who are you? You're curious, you're clear, you're alive. And you end up being the most magnetic version of you. So let's talk about how to put this into action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is going to be to go through this process, if you didn't already when you're listening to this episode, to literally think of the person. You know, write down some of the characteristics or qualities of you when you're in your most relaxed state, right? And then the most important part of the action step is going to be to practice this. And again in low stakes environment at first, not stuff that overwhelms you. Practice this and then do it again and again and again until, and some people might hear this and say, oh, you're telling me to fake it. Fake it till I make it. I thought you didn't believe in that philosophy. And it's like, well, I think there's a lot of pitfalls with that philosophy and I think it's overly simplistic. And here's the thing, you are not faking pretending to be somebody or something. You are accessing who you really are, right? I mean, we're not having you play a character that you're not or pretend to be freaking John Wayne or something. I don't know if anyone really want to be him anymore, but whatever some TV personality or movie character or something you think you're supposed to be, this is you. The data we're gathering is from you when you're most confident and relaxed. So really what we're doing is we're saying, hey, because of the misperceptions of social anxiety, because of the distorted beliefs and stories, you are approaching people in a less effective way, a more mistrustful, guarded way. And what we're helping you do is access the version of you who doesn't need to do that, who doesn't need to evaluate approval and make sure everyone's constantly giving you approval. You can just be you and you're free. And you get to bring that version to new interactions, new to new relationships, to new beautiful possibilities in your life. So thanks for being with me today. And again, if you want to take it further, Definitely check out TheConfidenceUniversity.com it's just spelled out TheConfidenceUniversity.com youm can also go to DoctorAziz that's-R A Z I Z.com and click on the Products tab on that page. It takes you to Confidence University that way too. Absolutely worth the investment. People love that program and make extraordinary changes by going through those courses. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

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