How To Eliminate Anticipation Anxiety

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Yes. I'm glad you're here. I'm excited, I'm pumped. I just had an awesome session with a one on one client that I, you know, I'm excited. I had an opportunity to record right after because there were some key insights that emerged from that call that I want to share directly with you. And the cool thing about this is I get to work with someone and not just she doesn't just benefit, but all of us do. I learn from it, you learn from it. And it's a cool way to really spread this knowledge, these insights, these tools, this inner awareness that's going to help you grow more rapidly, shed fear, self doubt, and step into more confidence and power. And it's so exciting to me because that's my purpose in this life, is to help as many people as I can do that. Not just breadth, like as many people, but also each individual person you know, how do we help you go, how do we help you have the biggest gains in your, in your confidence. And what I found in this process in my own journey is that it doesn't end, it keeps going up and you can get more and more and more and more confident. And it's pretty cool. So what is the thing that came out of this session? What's the exciting thing I want to share with you? It's really gonna help you if you struggle. Well, let me ask you this. This is a scenario you might relate with before an event in your life that's sort of a big event. A meeting at work, a presentation, a job interview, an interaction with your CEO or director or an executive committee, or in your personal life, a date with a new person or a date with a person. You know, a second date or third date with someone you're getting really excited about or anything. You know, meeting up with certain family members or your parents or whatever where leading up to the event you tend to feel anxious and the anxiety can be very uncomfortable to deal with, to sit with, to how to manage it as it's building. And maybe it starts, you know, days or weeks before the event. And that can be hard because it's like, ugh, how do I tolerate this for two more weeks? And then it can also show up as you start to over prepare. You overthink it, you spend all this time working on it, you get really stressed about it and that creates a lot of tension leading into this. Have you ever had that experience? I mean, if you haven't, I don't know, you're probably not human. But the problem is we can experience that way too often. And we can experience it not just before like a major event, like a huge presentation or something like that, but maybe like you run a certain weekly meeting and that gets you. And that's what I was working on with my client is like, this is not, I mean, she gets it before big stuff too. But even like she, you know, she's pretty high leadership in the company. So she leads a lot of meetings and before a lot of these meetings she'll have a lot of this, you know, anticipation, anxiety, and it's very uncomfortable. And there's this really fascinating. So that's what we're going to be focusing on this episode is what's going on here. Why do we get so anxious beforehand and how do we work with that? How do we let it go? How do we approach these events in our life with a lot more confidence and of course perform better as a result because we're more relaxed and then feel better afterwards. That's the focus of this episode. And so how to eliminate or free yourself of anticipation, anxiety. So the key, the process that she was, the experience that she was having, which you probably relate to, is there's a lot of anxiety before now, during. Often what I find with people is that during the actual event, it's a lot better than before. They're able to be more present, they're able to just get in the zone or do what they need to do and lead the meeting or have the conversation or have the date. And it's not this terrible flaming plane crash that they were afraid it was. It's like, oh, yeah, that went okay in the moment. They feel like it's going okay for the most part. Sometimes it can go real badly. But generally the anxiety leading up to it is way worse than, than the actual event. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you relate to that? I think Most of us do. And then, and here's where it's really fascinating though. And this is what she was telling me about afterwards. The anxiety kind of comes back. Now it's not as intense as before, but it's not. You don't feel great afterwards. You don't feel like, yeah, that was an awesome date, or oh, that was a great meeting, we were very productive, or oh, I like how I handled that. That was really good. Instead we're like a little unresolved, a little tense, a little unsettled. Oh, I should have said that. Oh, what did he mean when he said that? Oh, did she think I was stupid for sharing that? Or oh, I talked too much there? You know, we do a lot of replaying and all that stuff. That kind of second guessing, replaying. I shoulda, coulda, woulda, that is all anxiety. You might not feel as intensely anxious, like my heart's beating and my chest is all tight, but it's your mind with a lot of worry thoughts and worry thoughts are just mental manifestation of anxiety. So really it's anticipation anxiety and then there's post anxiety as well. And the anticipation anxiety is probably the most intense. Then it usually diminishes greatly during the event and then it kind of creeps back in for a little while. The post anxiety. And that, you know, could be any of these things, could be hours or days or weeks. Usually the post anxiety is a lot shorter than the anticipation anxiety. So that's the pattern. If you relate to what I'm talking about, then you're going to really like, you're going to enjoy this episode because this is what we're going to be helping you shift out of. And it's a pattern that I know extremely well. And anyone who's been to one of my live events knows because I share about it at the live events, which is I would have this so intensely before live events that I do, I do three of them a year and leading up to them for about two weeks, starting before I would start to feel just anxious and unsettled and uncomfortable and hard to just kind of really let go and relax. So I could focus on something and be busy at work or whatever. But then when I'd stop and go to bed at night or just have a moment where I wasn't doing something, I'd just feel a little skin crawly, restless, uncomfortable. And it would just build and build and build and get more and more and more and more intense leading up to the event. And then during the event, maybe the first couple Hours or something. On the Friday morning, I'd be a little tense or more tense. But then as the event went along, I'd just be like. It would be one of the highlights of my work life. Literally, probably the favorite thing that I do. I mean, just so fun and engaging and heartfelt and seeing people's big shifts and taking risks and the energy of the room is just incredible. So in the zone. And then afterwards, the post anxiety wasn't super intense for those. Maybe some. There was sometimes. Sometimes I'd feel good. I'd feel a mixture, maybe good and relieved and satisfied and fulfilled and all the connection in the room and the love, but then also some fear and tension and anxiety still. But for me, the pre was the most intense. It was so hard, so uncomfortable. And that's when I started to. Okay. I said, okay, I gotta work with this. I mean, this is really unpleasant. I'm gonna be doing these for many, many more years. I really don't want this to be my experience. I mean, I'll surrender to the process and, you know, grow at the rate that I need to so I don't have to make this go away instantly. But, man, I don't want this. Maybe you're in the same boat, you know, you don't want to be anxious before meetings. You don't want to be anxious before dates. Maybe a little bit is fine, but not so much, right? Not so frequently. Not so intensely. Not like where you can't eat and your appetite's low and you're just unpleasant to be around. I certainly was, especially the week before the event. It was like, look out, Dad's cranky, right? Cause I'm all tense and anxious. So what's going on here? And what the f can we do about this? And I'm really excited to share this with you because a year ago, I wouldn't really have the answer. I could help other people with sort of this kind of question, and we could help them make some progress, but you can't take anyone further than you've gone. And to be honest with you, I hadn't really overcome this that much to that degree because of, you know, in my own life, I was struggling with it still. And so I'm really excited to share this with you because I've had massive shifts in my experience and to where I've let go of so much of that. And in a lot of smaller. The event's, like, the biggest example, but so many smaller examples of things like this where I feel this anxiety sometimes on a weekly basis that are gone and it's replaced with, like, not even thinking about it that much ahead of time, or if I do just some ideas or excite, you know, more excitement or I want to share this, or this is going to be good enjoyment during the experience. Being in the flow, being in the zone, and then afterwards feeling like, great, that was awesome. I like this, this and that. Now, moving on, like, really not giving it much thought at all, which is optimal to just be in the present moment and not have to sit there and grind away on what we should have could have done. So how do we do it? What's the secret? Well, I will share with you what I share with this client, what I've discovered right after we take a quick break. So stay tuned, just a short one, and I'm going to share everything that's going to help you that I know about this exact topic. So stay tuned. Oh.

Enter if you must.

Greetings, nerd king. Word of your wisdom has traveled far across the land. I have come to seek your counsel.

A brilliant idea on your part, obviously. Hail, weary traveler. I am at your service, but make haste. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps a Mountain Dew, Code Red? Or a vodka and Red Bull?

Ah, thank you, good sir.

Now hurry. What is your ailment?

Well, there's a woman, and I've known her for months. She works on the third floor of my building. I see her once per day, just for a few minutes. We exchange. Hello. But I want to say so much more to her. For, you see, I love her and I want to tell her this.

No, no, no. This is all so tawdry. You must play your hand more wisely than this.

Really?

Well, this is why I sought your council, good nerd king. What should I do?

Hmm.

Well, first, you must place a mana card. Perhaps an island or swamp. Then on turn two, you must place another land. And then a two drop. Do you have any two drops with flying?

I. I'm not sure I follow.

Then. Oh, and now. This is brilliant. After all, I just thought of it. Then on turn three, only play a land. Don't play any creatures. She will think you've run out of steam. But then on the next turn, you will play your 5, 5, 4 drop ember beasta dragon. She won't know how to contain herself.

Nerd king. Are you talking about real life?

Of course, you fool. I've used this method to slay hundreds of maidens.

But I don't want to slay. I don't understand. What do I say to her?

The next time that I see her.

I believe I have already answered that question. You must play an island or a swamp. It's quite simple, really. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some serious camping to do on my favorite modded Counter Strike server. It's in Belgium. You know, the ping is a little high. The lag is tolerable. Good hunting to you.

Need real advice on what to say to that woman that you're really drawn to but haven't spoken to yet. Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com to find out exactly how to do this. From a place of authenticity, being yourself, and truly feeling confident in who you are. Go to www.30daystodatingmastery.com now. Welcome back. So what's going on? What's this all about? Why are we so anxious? And that's what my client was asking me. And I'll share what my perspective is on this. What's happening is you are. There's some sense leading up to this experience of attachment of it better go this way. This must not happen, or this other thing must happen, you know, and that's what you want to start asking yourself right now. So hopefully, as I've been sharing, I shared a few different examples from my client for myself so that you can be getting in the experience and thinking of your own scenario. That's a reoccurring source of anticipation, anxiety for you. And think about that now. If you don't have one. And for that scenario, the reason that you're anxious is because there's some tightening in you that's like, this must go a certain way. It's an attachment. It's like a fixation. It's got to go this way or this can't happen. And, you know, no one can think I'm a fool. No one better judge me. When I give this presentation, this person has to want to go out with me again. They have to like me. People have to be impressed with me there. I have to do it right. I better not make a mistake. You know, these are just some examples of the attachment, the fixation, and what I call this is the inner demands. So in any situation where you have a lot of anticipation, anxiety, I guarantee you that there's at least one core and maybe several other inner demands. And if you're really tormented, then maybe there's a lot. Maybe there's five or ten demands, but usually there's like a huge one. There's a big one that causes the most tension, turmoil, fear in people. So maybe as I'M sharing this, you're starting to discover what it is for you. Do you know what it was for me? Leading up to events, I even had this. I do these mastermind group calls every week, and now the mastermind's a bit bigger. So I do two calls a week, sometimes even three. And so I'm interacting with a group of people. We're working on this confidence stuff. And I noticed in my one on one sessions, I wouldn't have any anxiety, but sometimes before the group calls, I would have this exact pattern of anticipation anxiety. And it felt like the events, but a very mini version of it, a very small version of it. And I was like, what's going on here? And then I started to discover this process of inner demands. So I was like, what is the inner demand? And I found that it was the same for the group calls as for the live weekends. You want to know what it is? I must. And your inner demand is always going to be some sort of like, it must be this or it must never be that. I must make everyone feel instantly confident right now, during this blank, during this call, during this live event, I must make that happen and I must do it now. Blech. I mean, even as I say it, I can feel my body tensing up.

Ugh. Barf.

No, thank you. That's actually a good sign because in the past if I would say that or vocalize it, I'd feel like a sense of like, oh, shit, yeah, I better make that happen. And now I hear that and I'm like, bleh. No, thank you. Sounds exhausting, right? So that's a sign of growth. That's great. If you can reject the inner demand. Ooh, you're well on your way to being free. Reject the inner demand. Write that one down. So what is your inner demand? I mean, can you see how that would create so much tension? I mean, do I have control over people's experiences? No. Do I have, you know, can I affect change in other people or, you know, help inspire them or teach them things that quickly? No. Is it even realistic to think that someone who's got years and years of challenges with confidence is in half an hour of a call or the first 30 minutes or two hours of a three day experience is going to be permanently free of all that stuff forever? It's ridiculous. It's absurd. And here's the thing about the inner demands. There are almost always, maybe always. I'd have to really. I have not heard one. Let's just put it this way. So far I haven't heard one yet. That is not trying to control something that's out of our control. So your inner demand. So first you gotta. For the event that you're anxious before and you have this anticipation, anxiety, you gotta define what is my inner demand or inner demands. Just start with one like, what's the big one? Hopefully you found that by now. If not, give it some thought. Notice the pattern, unfold this week or this month or whenever it happens next, or think back to the last time it happened and really try to figure it out. What is the thing that I was demanding? It had to go this way or it must not go that way. So you got your inner demand notice. How is that inner demand trying to control something that you can't control? And if you're wondering, well, what can I control? There's only one thing you can control, and that's you. Everything outside of you, you cannot control. You can't control big events like political forces, national forces, currencies, weather. You cannot control other people. You cannot control other people, even the ones that are closest to you. Friends, parents, spouse, children. Ever try to control your kids? Oh, good God, you know, those are. And the more we try to, like, you know, you better not do that thing, you know, I mean, sure, you can maybe intimidate others or you know, get temporary compliance out of fear, especially with your kids, but good luck when they become teenagers, then they'll show you. Oh, my God. Horror stories of in my therapy days, working with some parents who had teenagers. Teenagers were just so rebellious and like, the parents were trying to control them even more. You know, like, I'm gonna break your, you know, like the dad, like smashing his kid's Xbox in front of him to break him so he will obey him. It's like, dude, that's not a good strategy. It's probably not gonna work in any case, we cannot control other people. Only you can control is yourself. And even then, trying to control ourselves is not a brute force job. You can't just say, feel this way, damn it, Stop feeling that way, damn it. Do this, damn it. Like, trying to control in that way doesn't work either. We gotta learn this more subtle form of like influencing ourselves. Like even trying to get yourself to do something. You have to, like, work with these different parts of yourself and, you know, talk well to yourself and take little risks. And it's a process to even change ourselves and control ourselves. So this inner demand is something you can't control. And hopefully you're seeing that now. And even that Sometimes can be relieving for people. But you also might be wondering like, well, what do I do with this? You know, maybe you get, okay, I have this inner demand. But you might be in the place that I was where I knew about this inner demand for a long time. I identified it. I saw that it was absurd and unreasonable and it was out of my control. But I still felt like I had to do it and I couldn't let it go. Often I really wanted all that's like, okay, just let go of needing to take care of everybody and make sure everyone's okay and you heal the world. Like, just let it go, man. But I couldn't. Some part of me was like, no, no. So how do we let go now? That is a great question. And the answer to that question is probably, you know, ongoing personal and spiritual development would be my honest answer to that. It's not a one time whiz, bam, what's the secret formula? Let go instantly, forever. It's like, keep growing, keep developing yourself. And what I found to be most effective and it's really helped me transform this, is that the two things, one is like more in the head and one is more in the body. So we'll start with the body, these inner demands. What happens is we're trying to control something outside of ourselves. We feel like if we can't control it, we're in danger. And so we get ramped up, we get anxious, our fight or flight kicks into gear. So you want to start to pay attention to that tension in your body. We start to get real tense and tight and hold.

Let's go this way.

Let's not have. And you want to get better and better and better at moment to moment, noticing that tension and letting it go. And I don't mean you have to let go of the belief or the story or anything in your head. I mean like literally paying attention to your body, seeing where there's tension and like getting better and better and better at noticing when you're tightening and just relaxing your body. And you know, a process I found really helpful with this is there's a guy named. Oh, I'm blanking on his name right now. Dang it. Somatic Descent is the name of an audio program he has that's really good. It'll come to me in a minute. He's a meditation teacher. Just look up Somatic Descent on audible. S O M A T I C. Descent as in to go down, D E S C E N T. And that's really what he's teaching is to go down into your body. And it's just a lot of guys, you know, principles and then some guided meditations of, like, guiding you more and more and more and more into your body. And. Whoa, Powerful stuff. So it's like, if you're wondering, like, how do I become more aware of my body? How do I let go more of my body? That's a great resource, set of tools to help you do that. I'm gonna sit here, try to think about his name, but I can't remember it right now. I almost wanna pull out my phone. I'm gonna pull out my phone and check it right now so I can give you the name. Boom. Reginald Ray. That's his name. I kept on saying. My mind kept on saying Ray Dalio. When I was trying to think of it, I was like, no, no, that's not him. It's not Ray Dalio. Reginald Ray. Somatic descent. Check it out. So that's one ongoing practice that will profoundly help you. And I'm gonna do another episode soon about where to put your focus. Like, where sort of the focus of confidence or what you do with your consciousness, what to be most confident. And I'll talk more about the body in that episode. But the other thing to do, in addition to letting go in your body a lot more, is you want. When that's happening, you're not seeing yourself clearly. When you're that anxious, anticipation, anxiety, you're not seeing yourself clearly. Because the truth is that you can handle the situation. Now, here's the thing. There is a small subset of. Of people who are in situations where, like, you're in way over your head. You know, I don't know, you conned your way into a certain job, and now you gotta lead a meeting. And you're like, I don't even know what industry we're in. You know, if you're in that situation, then, yeah, you know, your anxiety is probably warranted. Cause you don't know what the hell's going on. Or, you know, there's some extreme examples, but for the most part, everyone I talk to, all the clients that I work with me in my own life, the thing that you want to go do, you are capable of, whether it's a date or leading a meeting or giving a presentation, you are fully capable. If you were relaxed, you'd be fine at it. And in certain extreme examples, maybe you really need to learn some skills or something to be able to do this. But for the most part, it's not. You need a bunch of skills. It's that you need to relax and see yourself more clearly. So with this client, I was asking her, she's really anxious, leading these meetings. And I was like, what are the qualities? When you think of a powerful leader in your company, what are the qualities they have? She's like, well, they're confident, they sound self assured, they're knowledgeable, they're good communicators, they're assertive, they have a strong presence that people respond to. I said, great. Does a part of you have those qualities? And she said, yeah, I think. Yeah, I think I do. And I happen to know that she does because she actually. They had a conference call where she was leading a meeting. And I was able to listen to a little bit of it. And she, she, from the outside, just rock star, sounding really confident. So all those qualities, self assured, she ran the meeting, she was in control, she was assertive, she wasn't overly nice and agreeable. So when she's in the meeting and she's feeling in the zone, that part of her, that leader part of her is running the show and she's doing fine. I said to her, the problem is not that you don't have these qualities. The problem is that before, when you're in the anticipation anxiety, that leader part is nowhere to be found. And some anxious part of you is driving the bus that's telling you, it's like wearing these glasses, like these yellow glasses that changes the color of everything, where it blocks out your certain spectrums of the color spectrum, certain wavelengths of the color spectrum. So you just don't see all the positive qualities you have. You don't trust that you can do it. You're playing a trick on yourself that's saying you're not capable. And you know how I knew that she was doing that? Because I did the same damn thing. You know, before the live events, I'd be like, oh, I'm not good at it. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't help anybody. And it was like this weird, crazy distortion that was so ridiculous. It's like, look at. I mean, I've been studying this stuff for 15 years. I'm obsessed with it. I love talking about it. I have tons of knowledge, my own experience, I'm heartfelt, I'm an engaging communicator. People really benefit when they work with me. Like all that information was just deleted. So are you doing that when you're feeling that anticipation, anxiety? I would say that you are. And you gotta start paying attention. You gotta Start seeing that, and you gotta start finding your way back into that leadership part, that powerful part, that capable part. And, you know, maybe if it's not running a meeting, maybe a leader part is not the right word when it comes to the dating example. Maybe it's the authentic part or the bold part or the vulnerable part or the real you part that wants to come out. You got to find your way to that part beforehand. And how do you do that? Well, I found the best way to do that is to get really good over time at relaxing your body, letting go of needing to control anything, and then saying, okay, I'm going to trust that I have this capable part of me. You want to build that as a practice. So let's talk about building. Speaking of building a practice, let's talk about putting this in action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step for today is to for those situation that you pick one situation that you feel anticipation, anxiety for. Maybe you already knew that during this episode. Find out what the inner demand is, then see if you can just let go of that. And several ways to do that might be to talk to yourself. Aziz, look, you don't need to control everyone's experience. You don't need to save everybody. It's okay. Whatever your version is, you don't need to make sure that everyone thinks you sound really smart. You don't need to control everyone's perception of you. You're okay, really kind of soothing language, relaxing in your body, noticing the tension, breathing into it, being patient with it, loving with it, letting it go. And then think about the part of you that would just crush it in that situation. You know, the part I'm talking about. So for the date, it's the charming part, the funny part, the relaxed part, the part that's got a little bit of an edge to him or her. And in the meeting, it's like the self assured part, the bold, assertive part, the direct part, maybe even the part that can bring some humor to the situation. Actually, what is the part that's gonna just crush it in that situation? And then what are the qualities of that part? What are the qualities of me when I'm in that part of me? What are the qualities that I have? Well, I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I'm humorous, I'm assertive, I'm bold, I'm this, I'm that, I'm that. You know, come up with three or four or five, and then there's a long action step, Right? Well, do it, do it. If you really want to be free, man. These are the kind of things I do to help me and clients like really transform this for life. And the last thing I would say is, so come up with those three or four or five qualities, write them down and then say them to yourself repeatedly throughout the day, especially leading up to one of these events. I am. I'm an effective communicator. I am self assured. I am bold. I am direct, whatever the qualities are and just say them three, four, five times. That's, you know, in combination with relaxing your body, letting go of this insane demand to control something outside of your control. So that's what I got for you today. Hope you found it valuable. It's great to share this stuff with you. I'd love to hear about your experience. Go to shrinkfor the shy guy shrinkforthshyguy.com There's a way to send me a message through there. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

Sam.