How To Eliminate Self-Doubt

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz. Hey, what's up? Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is all about self doubt and how to get rid of it or at the very least how to reduce it. How to not live in that as your default way of being in the world. And I'm really excited to share this stuff with you. This is some cutting edge stuff that I've been discovering in my own life. And a lot of this is coming out of some work I was doing in my unstoppable confidence Mastermind program. We were getting deep into what's creating that because I have two. Well, many I've always got major dramatic goals, but a lot of our inner goals as well. But two of them that I've been really fascinated this year are how do we create a state of permanent internal self worth so we're not feeling low or unworthy when we fail, when someone rejects us or even someone attractive sits down next to you or the someone who's a higher up in your company comes in the room. Just something like that can just trigger a sense of I'm blessed than them. And our self worth just takes a plummet. And so I'm really fascinated by this idea of permanent self worth and probably have another episode entirely focused on that. But this episode is about the other thing that I'm fascinated with right now in this year and in my life and in the lives of all my clients is how do we eliminate self doubt? How do we stop that as a pattern? How do we not live from that place? So let's let me share some of the stuff that I've discovered and I hope it can serve you in you becoming more and more free of doubt in your life. And the best place that I want to start is reflecting on yourself. Do you live in self doubt a lot? And there's obvious self doubt when you are thinking to yourself like, I don't know what to do. I don't know. I don't know. Ugh, I don't know. Right. And it could be about a decision. It could be about a choice. It could be as small as do I go to this party or not? Do I say yes to this invitation or not? Do I go see that friend or not? Do I have another date with this person or not? You might agonize over those decisions. It could even be as if it's really strong for you. I mean, you might feel it at a restaurant. You're like, I don't know what to order. Should it be this or that? I don't know. And we can feel tormented over these decisions and there's a lot of doubt. So doubt can come up in the form of feeling unsure before decisions. And this sense of anxiety. I don't know what to pick, I don't know what to do. And if you tune into it, what are we most anxious about? Well, usually we're worried about what's the right thing. We're afraid of choosing wrong. Was that your experience? We're afraid of doing it wrong and choosing wrong. So that's one core thing. And we're getting to that in this episode. That's kind of the obvious self doubt. Then there's the more subtle kind of background self doubt. And it's so kind of habitual. And you've been doing it for so long that you don't even notice it. You don't even maybe label it as doubt or self doubt, but it's the same thing. It's just kind of a way of being in the world. And that means you're a little bit hesitant, you're unsure, you just. I don't know if I want to. You don't even consciously make a choice do I want to say that or not. You just hesitate. You just don't think what you have to say maybe is that good. So you hold back. And that's where self doubt has become such an ingrained pattern that, that you're just doing it all the time. You live doubt. You are doubt. It's your identity. And I think you and I can both agree that that's a pretty shitty identity. No offense, but. And you know what, to be honest with you, in some areas of my life, that was my identity as well. No matter how much growth I'd done, when it came to stepping up to the next level and getting outside of my comfort zone, boom, there it was, right there. And I was met with and living a lot of doubt. Hence the fascination with it. Hence the obsession of how do I live with a doubt free life. Doubtless, that's what I want, a doubtless state of certainty. So what are you seeing about yourself? Is it just certain situations like where do I live, Bigger choices, what kind of job should I do? Should I date this person or not? Or is self doubt just there all the time? Did I say that right? Did I say the right thing there? Did that person not like what I said? You start replaying a Conversation, a social interaction. Oh, I shared that with that colleague or I said that in the meeting. Was that the best thing to say? Oh, man, do people there think I'm stupid, That I lose respect? Ah. And so if you do a lot of replaying of situations to see if you did it right or did it okay, that's self doubt. So it might be one of those more subtle patterns for you. But when I was really struggling with a lot of social anxiety, I mean, self doubt was just, that was. I was in it all day, every day. I would be worried about conversations before, I'd replay them after, had agonized over choices. And we want to shift that. So wherever you are, you're in the right place because that's what we're going to tackle in this episode. Now you have a good sense of where you're at. Let's talk about some strategies to remove self doubt, to let it go, and also to help pull the curtain back and see what you're doing and why you're doing it. And when you see this, you'll realize that it's so absurd, so impossible that you can't help but just let it go. So stay tuned. We're going to dive into that right after this. Have you ever noticed how some people just walk into a room like they own the place? They are cool, calm, collected, and other people slink in as quietly as possible, almost as if they hope no one sees they exist. Which one of those do you want to be? Unleash your confidence today and start creating the life you want. Go to confidenceunleashednow.com to get started now. Yo, welcome back. I just couldn't help but think of this. I gotta start that little segment with yo. And so this has been great for me to build up my own resilience occasionally, and I don't know how often, once a week, once every couple weeks, I'll get an angry email from someone out there. And it's, you know, I'm putting myself out there in a bigger way in the world and so I'm reaching a lot more people. And so inevitably there's gonna be someone who doesn't like me, doesn't like what I'm doing and that's okay. Cause I'm not for everybody. My teaching's not for everybody, my coaching's not for everybody, and that's okay. So I just kinda. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't. But this one was so funny. This guy replied to one of my emails and I guess I'd started the email and this was an email to my whole email list. And it said, like, yo, how are you doing? I want to tell you guys about this thing or check out this video or whatever it was. And he said, don't you ever start an email. This is how the email started. Reply from so and so. Don't you ever send me another email starting with the word yo. The fact that you use this word disturbs me and makes me think that I must not be your target audience. I was like, that's a new one. Wow. I didn't know yo would be a trigger. So when I just started the segment with that, I couldn't help but remember that because it just happened last week. So anyway, yo, welcome back. I'm not stopping, baby. Yo is one of my, like, go to Greetings. Hey there, what's up? And yo, I mean. Cause I'm hardcore anyway. Hardcore from the streets of Monterey, Santa Cruz, California. Yeah, gangsta. Any case, let's talk about not doubting yourself. So let's unravel why you do it. And that will help you let it go, like, pretty fast. It's pretty amazing. So I was talking with one of the guys in the mastermind group recently, and he was saying he was a lot of doubt about this particular instance. It was a move. He needed to move out of one house and into another. And another guy in the group was wanting to end a relationship. So lots of doubt on both their parts. Is it, should I do it? Should I not do it? Where should I move? I shouldn't move? I don't know. And what came about? I said, what are you most worried about to the guy who was going to move? And he said, well, I'm worried about making a mistake. And the other guy who was going to end his dating relationship said, yeah, yeah, I don't want to make a mistake either. And he said, how many people here? Maybe there's like eight people on the call. It's like, how many people here don't want to make a mistake? And everyone said, yes. And you probably are nodding your head like, yeah, I don't want to make a mistake. And so I said to the first guy, I said, what is a mistake? And he's like, you know, in this situation, moving, which would be a mistake. I said, yeah, well, not just in this situation. In any situation, how would you define a mistake? And he said, I guess it would be anytime there's some consequences that I don't like and there's pain or it's detrimental. I said, interesting. So anytime you Experience pain or a consequence you don't like. So you said, consequence. Does that mean it was like you made a choice? You made a choice and then there was a result. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, you gotta make a choice, right? Cause if you're just like, I don't know, you're walking down the street with no umbrella and then it pours buckets of rain down on you, actually, shit, you might, I guess you'd say, I made the wrong choice, I didn't bring an umbrella. You might, right? But in any case, if we make a clear choice, like you look at the umbrella and you're like, should I take it or not? Mmm, no. And then you get poured on you. You might be like, dang, I made the wrong, I made a mistake. So you make a choice and it's. You get pain and then you label it as the wrong choice. And I said, okay, when do you evaluate whether it was the wrong choice or not? When do you assess if you got pain and it's bad? Do you do that like a minute later or a week later or a month later or a year later? And he said, oh, anytime. It could be anytime afterwards, like years later. And then I also would feel regret. I said, oh, wow. So anytime for the rest of your life after you make a choice, if you feel pain, you could go back to that choice and feel regret and say, that was a mistake, I shouldn't have done that. And he said, yeah. I said, wow, that sounds like a setup for pain. And he laughed. And then I said this. I said, what if thinking of things in terms of a mistake and self doubt are interrelated? What if when you think in terms of mistake and not mistake, you are setting yourself up for a life of self doubt? And he kind of paused thinking about it for a second. I said, because the truth is, when all that's happening, when we're judging something as a mistake and saying it was wrong, we're just saying, ow, this hurts. Right now I'm feeling pain. And it could be small pain, like I'm getting wet from the rain. It could be big pain, like, ow, my heart hurts from telling this person I don't want to be with them anymore. Or it could be pain. You get to your new house situation and you got some noisy neighbors upstairs and you're like, oh man, I didn't know this would happen. And he said, what's fascinating though is if you didn't label it as a mistake and you just said, ouch, I don't like this what might happen. Because let's say you get to your new house, and when you first get there, you're like, this is great. I love this place. It's so fresh and clean, and it's got a better neighborhood than the other place. This is so nice. No mistake. Everything's great. Then three days later, you hear your noisy neighbors upstairs, and you're like, ah, damn it. This place sucks. This was a mistake. And then the next day you're like, oh, wow, there's so much more sunlight that comes in through this bedroom window. I didn't even realize that. Wow, that's amazing. This place is great. And you're just going back and forth, and there's things you like and things you don't like. And the way I like to think about it is, no matter what choice you make, there are a set number of pleasure points and a set number of pain points. And you're never going to find a Choice that is 100% pleasure and 0% pain. But there's this idea anytime we're getting some pain that we say, ah, that was a mistake, because I'm not getting 100% or 98 out of 100 units of pleasure. The truth is, everything you're gonna do is gonna have some benefits and some costs. So what if you let go completely of the idea of being able to make a mistake? What if you said that doesn't even exist? Like, anytime your mind says this was a mistake, it's just, oh, I don't like the result, or I'm hurting because I didn't get what I wanted, or I'm feeling some sort of pain. Emotional pain, usually, sometimes physical pain, but emotional pain. I got rejected. I failed. I didn't get the outcome. There's something annoying in my environment. What if you just noticed that and addressed it and. And in no way determined whether anything was a mistake or not? What would that do to your sense of doubt or certainty? Think on that. We're gonna take a break, and when we get back, we're gonna talk even more about how to unlock more powerful certainty in yourself. Stay tuned. Do you like yourself when no one else is around? Are you proud of who you are? If your answer is no, then. Then most likely you don't have the confidence you need and want. If you're tired of being your own worst critic, then it's time to change this. Dr. Aziz has a program that is entirely dedicated to transforming how you feel towards yourself. Discover the skill of self esteem, how to accept yourself, build your strengths and Truly love who you are. Go to www.yourconfidencecode.com to learn more. Hey, welcome back. So let's talk about activating certainty. So one thing, and I don't believe in mistakes. Now that doesn't mean that every decision I make is awesome and that I wouldn't learn from something and do it differently when the opportunity arises again, I mean, that's how we grow. That's evolution, right? So if you date someone and they constantly pick on you, then you might say, you know what? For future choices of partner, I'm going to choose someone who is more tolerant, patient, compassionate, kind and loving. That is a great adaptation. That's a great learning. That's how you grow. And so I'm always doing that non stop. But I just. That word is so loaded, a mistake. And if you look up the definition of mistake, it means the word wrong is in the definition a wrong choice. And anytime we make ourselves wrong, we're screwed. Wrong. Because I mean, who in the world wants to be called wrong? You're wrong, your choice is wrong. It's just synonymous with bad and stupid and no good. As if there's something that could be determined. It's just more or less pain. That's all we're talking. So once you got that, then when you're making choices, when you're saying something, when you're communicating, whether it's the small stuff, like what to say in conversation, or, or the big stuff, like a choice to make in your life, there's no danger of making, quote, a mistake. It's just what's the best choice at the time I'm gonna do that. And this is something I've been experimenting with recently that's activating next level levels of certainty. And you may be able to, for some of you, you're gonna listen to this and you're gonna be like, holy shit, I'm gonna use this. And it's blowing my world open, which is what it's doing for me right now. And some of you, you're like, oh man, you just can't do that. Okay? You just can't do that. And you'll fight me on it. And that's okay. That's maybe just where you're at. It's not the right medicine for you at the right time. But still work on this other stuff in this episode. But if you're ready, here it is. I don't do self doubt. I just don't do it. A long time ago, I made a decision. I don't do self Hate, because I lived so many years of my life criticizing myself, loathing myself. Ugh, you're gross in the mirror. Oh, you're stupid. You said that stuff. And at some point I started labeling that as self hate. Not calling it self criticism or self judgment or, you know, because that is how you treat someone you hate. You look at them, you judge them with disgust, and you tell them you're nothing, you're worthless. I mean, that's. If that's not hate, I don't know what is. I mean, I guess the next level of hate is like physically beating the crap out of them, but the next level beneath that is to just rip them to shreds. And that's what I was doing to myself. So, you know, that's really making a deep study of it, reading lots of books, doing some therapy. And I decided somewhere in there, look, I don't do self hate. Now, that didn't mean that I never criticized myself ever again. It just meant that when I noticed I was doing it, it called that out of me. That identity of like, hey, I don't do that. Just like, if you ever smoked and then really stopped, I mean, not just took a break for a month or a year, but really stopped, you'd say, I don't smoke, right? Someone's like, hey, you want a cigarette? No, I don't smoke. Or I'm not a smoker, right? It's just, that's who I am, that's what I do. And it's the same thing when I would notice the self criticism and it'd be like, hey, I don't do self hate. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm being really hard on myself. I don't do self hate. And that's been really powerful and served me for many years. Still do it to this day. But what about I don't do self doubt? I thought, wow, could I just do that? So I experimented with it. I noticed. Well, where does doubt come up? Well, sometimes I would be wondering about if I handle the situation best with a client or potential client. Did I send email right? Did I send too many emails in that month? Should I work with this person or not? Should I hire this person or not? Did I do enough in the mastermind call to help people enough? Did I take too much time on that person? Maybe I should have took more time on this person? Was everyone engaged or did I lose some of them? All that I was just like, you know what? I don't do self doubt. All of that's doubt. I'm just not Going to do that. And immediately I felt two things. And you might be feeling these two things too, if you're really trying this on. Like a powerful sense of like, yeah, I felt taller, fuller, stronger, more, way more energy coming back into me and not bleeding out in this way. But then I also felt a concern and it said, wait a minute, if you do that, how are you? You're gonna be like disconnected. You're gonna be like some weird, Donald Trump esque, you know, delusional kind of disconnected perception where you're not really taking in what's happening around you and you're not gonna learn and you're not gonna grow and you're gonna lose relationships and bad things are gonna happen. And I said, wait a minute, that's not how I learn and grow. That doesn't make me better. I'm not talking about not observing the effects of my choices and behaviors. So if I do something and someone says, hey, I don't like the way you did that and I'm really upset with you. And then that happened again and again. A couple of times I'd be like, hmm, maybe I need to tweak what I'm doing here. Or if I showed up really poorly, I stopped doing good work with people and clients started complaining and saying, you suck or I'm not satisfied. Then I'd be like, okay, something's off. But I was like, you know what? That doubting, that nagging, doubting, that is not self improvement. That is a lie. That is self doubt. And I'm not gonna do that anymore. And I'm gonna trust that I'm gonna learn and grow and get better and better and better and better just by doing, practicing, taking risks, putting myself out there, following my heart, learning and growing. That's all I need to do. And I said, I'm gonna try that. I'm gonna trust in that. And I don't do self doubt. And so anytime, a little like, oh, did you say that right? Oh, should you have done that? I'm just like, no, I don't do self doubt. Don't worry, I'm not, eh, no thanks. Just dismiss it and move on. Bring my attention right into the present. What I'm doing, what I'm feeling with my hands, how I'm breathing, what I'm tasting, what I'm hearing. Be really fully present to get out of that pattern or blast into the future. Think about, what is it that I want? What am I creating? What am I doing? What am I excited about? Usually my 2 mos. So that brings us to your action step for today. Time for action. Your action step for today is one. If it resonates with you, make that same decision. I don't do self doubt. No, thanks. I just don't do it. I don't do self doubt. And experiment with that. Live into that. See what comes up in the way. When doubt comes up, which it will. Now you have a decision that you've made about how you're gonna deal with it. Just like if you said, I don't do, you know, processed sugar, right? And you just don't eat it and your life probably gets a lot better. But then let's say, I don't know, it's someone's birthday at work, and I eat this cake. It's awesome. And you're hungry and you're like, all right. And you eat the cake, okay? Then you. You say, hey, look, ooh, I don't do processed sugar. Okay? I just did. All right, well, how am I gonna work with that? How am I gonna let that go? How am I gonna not. Or who knows? You might even take one bite of the cake and then stop and put it down and just leave it on the table and then sneakily throw it in the trash when no one's looking, right? It's the same thing when you start doubting. You might be feeding it for a second and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't do that. And if that one, you're like, eh, it's not that simple, man. You can't just decide, then you might not be at the place of ownership yet and it's okay. And, and in that case, start by examining this concept of mistakes and see if you can let go of believing in mistakes and just say, hey, there's just pain. I can just feel it. Work through it. Use some tools. I don't need to judge it as wrong. And I'm going to learn and grow, move forward from it. So that's the end of our show for today. Thank you for joining me. You are awesome. And we'll talk more soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink the For the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sa.