Dr. Aziz explains why dating feels like a chore: people lack moment-to-moment boundaries, so they people-please until they snap and end things abruptly. Micro boundaries are small, in-the-moment choices like changing the subject or spacing out dates. Learning to notice and voice these tiny preferences makes dating feel less exhausting.
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Do you sometimes struggle to enjoy yourself while dating? Maybe it seems like it should be fun or exciting or you have these opportunities to connect, but you actually honestly spend more of the time feeling a little nervous, tense, worried, anxious and not fully enjoying yourself. If so, watch this episode. You're going to learn one simple distinction which most people don't know about, which is going to help you radically improve the not only your ability to date, but your emotional experience of it. The quality of your life as you do it. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, and this is a show for you if you want to 10x your confidence in every area of life that matters, including dating and relationships, which is what we're going to talk about today. And as always, if you're enjoying the show, hit. Hit the subscribe button down below and the little bell icon next to it. That's notifications that will let you know when the new videos come out right away so you can watch them. Because the more you watch this stuff, the more you study about confidence, the faster you're going to grow. And the better your confidence, the better your life, especially in your dating life, which is what we're going to talk about today. So dating can seem very glamorous, right? Especially if you're in a relationship and you know it's not right and you need to break up. You kind of imagine like, oh, when I'm single, it's going to be great. And then you watch movies and TV shows and everyone's like, having so much fun and it's awesome. And you're like, yeah, it's going to be great. And then you're single and then you're trying to date and you're like, not as awesome as I thought. This is a little hard and confusing. And then there's rejection. And then even when there's success, like you ask someone out and they say yes and you're excited about them, then there's like this, well, I'm not feeling. I'm not enjoying myself. And that could be on the first date. But this also can happen as you start to date people. And there are many reasons for that. And we could spend hours talking about that. But there's one core reason that most people don't realize. And that's why I want to highlight that for you so it can serve you. It can bring something to your awareness that you might not know about. And this is the idea of micro versus macro boundaries. So I know all about this because I used to have very little boundaries. In fact, in my book Not Nice, there's a whole chapter on boundaries. So definitely check that out if you want to learn more about being less nice, having more boundaries. But we're going to talk about one little distinction that is not really directly covered in that book. So micro versus macro boundaries. Micro means small, macro means big. Right? And what happens with dating is most people don't have micro boundaries. They don't have small boundaries. So what are small boundaries? Small boundaries. So a boundary just to, you know, take a big step back. Quick overview in case you haven't read Not Nice, but you should, because that book is awesome. It will serve you in your life. Micro a boundary is like you internally have some preference, some thing that you want or don't want. And the example that I use in the book is imagine you have a yard. And in that yard you have a fence around it and you have stuff that you like. You have your lawn, you have your garden, you have a fruit tree. And then your neighbor comes over and comes into your yard. How do you feel that's reflecting your boundaries to you? Do you like that they came into your yard or not? So there's a boundary there. I have a preference that people don't come into my yard unless I invite them. Or it's fine, I don't care. It's great to see them. Now you know if you have a boundary or not. The next thing is your neighbor walks over and he walks across your grass and then steps on your flowers as he comes towards you. How do you feel inside? Did you care that he walked on the grass? Probably. Maybe not. Did you dislike that he walked on the flowers? Yeah, probably. You're like, dude, I spent all this time growing these things and you just walked all over them. So you have this internal like. So you're either neutral to something or you like it. Those are your boundaries. It's that simple. And the reason that it gets complicated is because we don't tune in. We're alienated from ourselves with the niceness and the people pleasing. We're focused on the other people and what do they want, what do they like? And we don't tune inward. In fact, we feel selfish and bad and wrong for tuning inward. And that's just the first step, which is identifying what they are. The next step is to communicate them. And that could feel even scarier. Oh, that's real selfish and bad for me to say, hey, please don't step on my flowers. That's real selfish and bad for me to Even want that I'm gonna hurt his feelings, I'm gonna upset him. I'm either gonna crush him and I'm a terrible guilty person or he's gonna like retaliate and burn my house down when I'm sleeping. Right? We have these extreme ideas of what's gonna happen if we're even the slight bit assertive. So enter dating. What do we do? Micro boundaries are noticing moment to moment. What do you like and what do you not like? Do you like the conversation that you're having with that person? Do you like the topic of conversation? Do you like the way that you relate? Do you like that when you share something, Are they asking questions that make you think or that are stimulating or interesting? Do they seem attentive or curious about you? Are they just talking about themselves? Are they bragging a lot about who they are and their achievements and their accomplishments? Are they a more sort of growth oriented person or more stuck sounding? Are they more positive? Are they critical of people? And you want to notice inside, what do I like and what do I not like? And pay attention to that. And then where it fits. Asserting micro boundaries. And you don't have to say it like that. Excuse me, I'm going to assert a micro boundary now. You just do it. So they're talking about something and you don't like the subject that much. You just change the topic of the conversation. How interesting. Hey, I wanted to ask you a question. It's a simple way to do it. There's tons of other strategies. I can teach you insight. In fact, the best way to learn this and anything else that I know is in Confidence University. It's my most comprehensive program I've ever created. Theconfidenceuniversity.com There's a whole course on social mastery which will teach you how to say the thing where you're like, hey, hey, let me ask you a question. Change the subject. Not get stuck in conversations you don't want to have. And then also there's a whole entire module on or not a whole module, a whole course. 42 lessons on dating mastery. How to go from no dates to not only getting dates, but then really navigating this sticky stuff. There's a whole lesson on micro versus macro boundaries where we go on for like 30 minutes about it. So definitely check out the Confidence University if you want to go deeper. But we need to change the subject if we don't like the topic of conversation. You can even say like, you know, let's say they're being critical. A Lot. You could be like, wow, seems like you in this moment, this seems like you're fairly critical of people. Is that, is that usual? You might be like, you can't say that. You can't say that to someone. Yes, you can. If your goal is not to please them, if your goal is not to have a perfectly smooth interaction and just do whatever you need to to get them to like you, then yes, you can say that. Because if it's a date, you're trying to figure out, is this person always this way or are they just in a bad mood? Right, because maybe you don't like that and so you're letting that be known. Now notice how I'm not doing it in a super critical way. I'm not like, man, you're a horrible negative person. I hate being around you. Well, you know, that's not necessarily. That's like a lot of blaming and criticizing of them, which is just adding more negativity to the interaction, but more just being curious. Like, it seems like you are critical of people right now. It seems to be happening a lot during this conversation. Is that typical? Like, I'm just actually curious when I'm asking that. Other micro boundaries that are very important beyond just the moment to moment conversations. And dating is like, as you date, like, what do you want or not want in terms of when do you want to see them again? This is a big one that I didn't have. If I met a woman and pursued her and then she said yes and we hung out after that, especially after we slept together, I flipped into like, well, whatever you want, you know, so she's like, hey, you want to hang out on Friday? Absolutely. You want to hang out on Sunday? Sure thing. You know, and so much so that I'm like, okay, what's her pacing? She wants to hang out like twice or three times a week. Okay, let me start inviting her to do things twice to three times a week because that's what she wants. And there was no consideration of what I wanted. So a micro boundary might be saying, like, do I want to spend time with this person now or later? What do I want to do when we hang out? You know, because this can all be summed up into what do I want? And then being able to ask for it and advocate for that. Those are micro boundaries, those are essential. And here's the thing. If you cannot do that, if you cannot moment to moment, say, I like this, I don't like this, then what's going to happen is you're going to be Forced to set a macro boundary. And that's what I was doomed to do and repeat for, like seven years endlessly, which is macro boundary is, I'm out, we're done. You know, and maybe it's not a total breakup, but maybe it's like, I gotta go. Yeah. And you leave the house and you're all upset or you walk out of the date or whatever, right? Because you need this total space because all these little things are, you know, they're stepping on your flowers and then they're picking your fruit tree and they're doing all this stuff in your yard, and you're just like, it's fine. It's totally fine. You know, and then you blow up. I gotta go. Get out of my yard. Right. And in my case, it would be, I'd try to be the perfect guy. I'd have no micro boundaries. And then we'd date for between two weeks and six weeks, two months tops. And then I'd just be like, out of nowhere, done. I'm breaking up. And the women were always very surprised. Like, why? Everything's going great. Yeah, I don't know. Apparently not. And I couldn't even in that moment say all the things that were not quite right for me. And I didn't even know. I was just totally unaware and just destined to repeat it again and again until I learned this stuff. So I'm so glad that I can share this and that you are learning this stuff, so you can go apply this in your life right now. So share in the comments below. What are some of the micro boundaries that you've learned? How are you when it comes to seeing, setting these? What gets in the way? What are the obstacles for you? And of course, check out the resources I mentioned in this video if you want to go deeper. That's the book Not Nice. You can find it on Amazon and Audible. Just type in not nice or Dr. Aziz or something in those sites or. And I think a much better way to go, way more in depth, is my program, the Confidence University. So you go to TheConfidenceUniversity.com to check that out. We'll have links below as well. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
