How To Enjoy The Holidays

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Yo. Welcome to today's episode of the show and happy holidays. Oh, yes, we're entering into the thick of the holiday season and the United States and I guess a lot of other countries, a big holiday is Christmas. And then there's also Hanukkah and other holidays as well that happen to follow during this time. And it also just generally and also people celebrating solstice and other things. There happens to be a time where a lot of people come together often as a family, and that can be quite interesting and uncomfortable for a lot of people. And also people might not be gathering with family, and that can also be interesting or uncomfortable as well. So I wanted to address it in this episode because it's important and I think that you're going to learn a lot about yourself as you listen to this, about what you want, about what's important to you and what you value and ideally feel less alone, because I know a lot of people feel alone on the holidays. And there's this sort of myth in the culture of, like, togetherness and fulfillment and happiness and joy that's associated with a lot of purchasing, at least here in the United States, and family. And everyone loves to be together. And it's kind of this warm, fuzzy narrative that actually isn't true for a lot of people in America. Many homes are very fractured. And even situations where a lot of people come together, there's a lot of tension, there's a lot of conflict. There's a lot of poor quality relationships in those families. So it can be a very stressful, un, unpleasant time for a lot of people. And I want to address all that to help you feel more confident in yourself and in your decisions and whatever it is you want to do and how you want to handle all the things that you're going to be participating in this holiday. And I'll share some examples from my own life as well. So if you're enjoying this show by all means, go to itunes and look up shrink for the shy guy and give it a 5.5 star rating or whatever rating you think it deserves better be five. Right. All right. And I would appreciate that. That's gonna help me reach more people. And you might have heard me mention this a few times in other podcasts and be like, oh, yeah, totally, maybe I'll do that. And it's even more helpful if you actually write a review of what you're getting out of this show, because I like reading those, but it also helps people see that there's some value there. So let's talk about you and the holidays. The first question I'm gonna start with is, what do you want? What do you want? This is one of those questions that we don't even ask ourselves. Holidays are a big obligation fest for a lot of people. What do I gotta do? What do I have to do? What should I be doing versus what do I want? And this should and have to can affect all different things. It's like, well, I have to go spend time with this family member or that parent or this side of the family, or I have to go to be with my spouse's family, because that's. I don't know, I have to or I have to. I should. I should spend more time with so and so I should be around people. I should have more friends. I should feel whatever it is. So either some pressure we're putting on ourselves, some sense of obligation we feel, or perhaps even maybe there is no place that you specifically go and you feel like there's something wrong with that, you should be going somewhere because it is Christmas or a holiday after all, and all of that is just such. It's just turning on yourself. It's not honoring yourself and being curious about yourself and your natural, real desires. What do I actually want? What's important to me and for me? And who do I want to see? What do I want to do? People don't even ask themselves this because it feels offensive or horrible. Like, oh, my God, what would that family member think? What would Uncle Burt think? What would Grandpa think? What would, you know, my mom think if I said I didn't want to come or I could only come for one day or whatever. But I really encourage you in the spirit of being not nice. Being less nice and more authentic is seeing what do you actually want. And it doesn't have to be such a hard line. It's like, I'm not coming at all to something. But maybe instead of being there for four Days, you're there for two. Maybe you're like, man, I'd love. I get whatever, five days off or three days off or something, and then there's a weekend. I don't know what your holiday off time is, if any, but you're like, maybe it sounds awesome to have two days at home, cozy. And then I'll spend two days with these family members. And you can do that. You can have that, right? And if you're going to claim that you have total permission, not for me, but you in your life, you can give yourself total permission to do that. And when you do it, you don't have to overly apologize and explain yourself. You say, hey, listen, this is what I'd like to do this year. It's blank. And then if you're there and people give you a hard time, which they might, you know, some snarky comments, you're only around for two days, then you just have a scanned response prepared that you just deliver the same every time. Like a broken record. They call this a broken record technique for assertiveness, you know, so Uncle Burt is like, oh, yeah, well, you're not going to be here on Sunday. Then you say, yeah, yeah, I thought it would just, you know, it's fun to see everyone and it would just be great to have a couple of days to just rest and relax before starting the new year. I love some downtime, some solo time. And then, you know, later on, you know, Uncle Bert keeps going or someone else is like, yeah, well, yeah, yeah, well, too bad you're leaving us. Tries to guilt trip, you say, well, it's, you know, it's great to be here and connect with everybody, especially when you're guilt tripping me, bitch. No, but let's say that part. You say, it's great to be with everyone here and, you know, it's good for me to have some downtime, some solo time, you know, before the new year, the same thing, just broken record. You don't have to come up with different responses, just clear, firm, boom. And then move on. Change the subject. Don't engage in. If you defend yourself, like, oh, I'm so sorry, I know it's bad of me. What do you think? Is that okay with you? Can everyone still approve of me? It's like this approval seeking thing that really just. It doesn't work. You're not going to get their approval. They don't like you changing things. They want you to be there too. So. And you're going to say no. You have to be willing to Deal with any blowback that comes your way. Now, this is true not just with family. This is true with friends. And I've coached clients on this as well. There's one client I worked with who was invited to this gathering. It was like about 10 women. One of her friends invited her, and they all stayed in this house together. She was intrigued and wanted to do it. But staying in this house for three or four days sounded overwhelming to her. She came up with this plan where she was going to be there for two days, basically. And we had to do a lot of role plays about how to have conversations with her friend. Now, a lot of this wasn't about her friend. Maybe none of it was about her friend. It was about her and her fears of saying no and her fear of claiming what she wanted and her feeling bad about herself and as a bad human, for really going after and saying what she wanted. So it's so important, especially in holidays now, if you're in a relationship, you know, that's a whole dynamic to figure out, where are we going for the holidays, right? And who's family and all this. And that is a huge source of conflict. Man, I remember I've only done some couples counseling. Couples counseling was not my bag. I love helping people with their relationships and do that with my wife, Candice. And we have a whole event around that dating and relationship confidence. But it's people that are 100% in. They're motivated to be there. You know, it's coaching. A lot of people for the event are flying from across the country or the world to be there. But back in my clinical days, I did counseling and some couples counseling in a clinic where the typical dynamic was one spouse. Usually the wife brings the husband. These were heterosexual. I did work with one lesbian couple, but for the most part, it was heterosexual couples. And the spouse brings the husband, and husband doesn't want to be there. And it's just. It's this awkward city. It's like, this is so uncomfortable. And it was very early in my training as well, and I wasn't as skilled as I. As I am now. But even now, I don't know if someone's. That I would have just been a lot more honest with him. I just don't know if someone's really closed, you know, how much change is possible. But in any case, he. They had a huge, ongoing conflict about family stuff. And the underlying tension was that perceptions of each other's family. She didn't like his dad and the dynamic. And then he was defending his dad. And it created a lot of tension. And so it's very important if you're in a partnership, to not only decide what you're going to do, but to be able to talk openly about your experience with different family members and what it's like. And it's really focused on being on a team together, as opposed to, like, well, I'm with my family and you're with your family. And it can be very tribal or something like that. And be open to your partner having feelings about different people in your family. You know, a lot of people. And this is what's happening. What was happening in that couple. The man in that relationship, the husband, had a tremendous amount of feelings that he was totally unaware of and totally suppressing and just exploded in anger. That was his only feeling that he could let out. And he must have had tons of feelings about his dad and his mom. And his dad sounded like a real hard driver perfectionist. Criticizing the kids. It sounds like pretty abusive of the kids when they were growing up. So when his wife had some issues with his dad, you better believe he has some issues with his dad, too. He's just totally unaware of them. And the way he's dealing with that is total denial. And so when she brings it up, he's like, shut up. How dare you criticize my dad. I kill you. He didn't say that, didn't threaten her that way. But he reacted very intensely, very immaturely, very aggressively and pouty. And underneath it was like, well, obviously, dude, you have some feelings about your dad, too, and that's okay to have feelings about your parents. In fact, you want to be able to talk about that with your partner, with your spouse, and support each other and be like, yeah, that is hard that he does that. Yeah. I don't like his critical statements. I know. How are we going to deal with that when he's critical at the dinner table? Support each other. Let's be on the same team. So have the courage to be open with your partner about your feelings. And if you notice reactivity in you when they want to talk about one of your family members, then work with that. And you can even say that like, wow, I notice. I'm feeling defensive, or I want to defend my dad right now. And at the same time, I want to talk about this. This is important. I'm not saying we shouldn't. I'm just letting you know that that's arising in me as we talk about it. I'm curious. I wonder why I do want to. I wonder why I do feel defensive right now. So you look at these as opportunities for growth, and that is going to be a huge benefit for you, not just for the holidays, but for your whole life. If you look at these challenging interactions, these uncomfortable situations as opportunities. I remember this was at a Mastermind retreat I did earlier this year, and this was a small. The kind of the people that have been in the Mastermind for longer, it's a second level of the program, and it's a smaller group. And we had this retreat. It was smaller than live events, and we all stayed in a house together. And next year will be different because I'm gonna have someone on my team handle all the logistics. This year. Dropped some balls, and I had to figure some stuff out about where the place we were renting. And I am not. That's not my zone of genius. I don't go on Airbnb and pick nice places and think all that shit through. I'll do the coaching, work with everyone there, but the logistics, not my thing. Any case, the long and the short of it is that we had this house where there was a bed for everybody, but not a single room for everybody. And unless someone wanted to sleep on the couch, two guys would have to share a queen bed. That's right. And so we got there, and there were some complaints about that. And I was like, consider this an opportunity for growth. And one of the guys started busting me on that, like, teasing me the whole weekend about how everything was an opportunity. But what if that's the case? What if you approach your life that way, that when something shows up that you don't like or that's hard, this is an opportunity to grow. And that is absolutely. I mean, you can say that was a stretch for the event and the retreat. Maybe that was just me covering my tracks. But when it comes to your romantic relationship, that is one of the primary purposes of the relationship. It's for love and connection, which in itself is an opportunity for growth in order to have a thriving relationship that can survive the holidays and grow deeper in those times and grow deeper through all the seasons. And I don't just mean the calendar seasons. I mean the emotional seasons of your relationship, the winter time, where it's hard and there's a challenge or someone's sick or whatever's going on. To grow stronger in those times requires that you grow in your capacity for love and connection. And so a lot of people think a relationship is about finding the right person, having some pleasure, getting all my needs met, and finding a hot Partner. Yeah, that's right. So I have great sex, and everyone thinks I'm awesome because my partner's beautiful, Right? And that's somewhere in there that's kind of immature. Part of us that think that's what it's about, but it's not. It's about sharing something in life. And in order to do that, we have to be committed to constantly growing. And that requires you to see these challenges as opportunities. So when the holidays roll around or any other challenge rolls around and maybe you guys have some conflict about it, and that's okay. As you start to talk more openly with each other and remind yourself, like, this is good. This is what I want. From this conflict is going to emerge growth, my own growth, my partner's growth, and we're going to grow together. So you want to be able to have those conversations. Another tip, which my wife and I have had a ton of those, about how it feels for her to be around my parents and how it feels for me to be around her parents and other family members. And another thing I think is really important, if you're going with someone, particularly a partner or a spouse, to be with the family there is to stop thinking about it as, like, well, that's their family, and I have my family, and, you know, we're different. And I noticed that. I did that, and I made a conscious decision to change that, because what it did is it limited. It just changed the way I approached the whole. Anytime we'd get together with my wife's family, it was kind of like, okay, yeah, we're here with your family for you, and so I'll just, you know, give in that way. And it's a very, like, I'm doing this just for you, and there's nothing in this for me. And so therefore, this is, like, not totally the best use of my time. Now. That was kind of just unconsciously how I was holding it versus I'm gonna go spend time with my family. That makes it more meaningful, more valuable. And it was just. It was like an unconscious tribe or loyalty thing or something. I don't know. But when I made that choice, like, oh, this is my family, then I approached people differently. It's like, oh, I do want to have a conversation with this uncle or this nephew or, like, this person does matter. It is important for me to get to know them just because they're part of my family. And, you know, historically, I'm not the best at prioritizing spending time with extended family. It's kind of an ongoing comment in my. In my family of origin is how, you know, I live in a different state. I don't see everyone. I don't even know the names I have. Like, Jesus, I don't even know between the cousins. And this is my dad's side, the Pakistani side. Oh, my God, there's so many of them. There's like 300 people. I don't even know all their names. One time I showed up there and had, like, this notepad and was trying to remember everyone's name. Okay, so you're related to me how? Okay, you're the cousins, my nephew. Okay, we called you an uncle when I was a kid, but you're really technically my cousin, and that's your daughter's son. Oh, Jesus, I'm so confused. But anyway, regardless, saying there's some level of. When I'm spending time with these people, this is important. That's a conversation my wife and I had as well. You know, the last couple years, we spent Christmas with my wife's family. My family. And that was kind of the tradition that's been going on for years. And before we had kids, it was so sweet and easy. I remember when I first showed up to one of their family gatherings around Christmas, I was blown away. I was like, this family, they actually talk more in depth with each other. They actually talk about what's going on. They even talk about feelings at the dinner table. Like, what? We don't do that in any of my family. Not on my mom's side, not my dad's side, not in our nuclear family feelings. You don't talk about that shit. You talk about the turkey and the game and stuff. And so I really love that. And I really connected and had great conversations and everything. Then we started making babies and hanging out with our kids, and it became kind of just hard. It was like trying to manage the kid and the baby and can't really have conversations with people because so and so's smearing such and such on the wall, and grandpa doesn't like the dirt on this. And so it became kind of taxing at times and sort of get through the holiday and be like, well, man, that was exhausting. And we had a conversation like, do we. What do we really want and what's really important? And out of that, I realized, like, well, what's really important is connection with family. Like, yes, maybe it's not meant to. It's not supposed to be easy, but you put your time in and you get something. It's like tending to a garden. And so they Have a cousin there that's about their age, same age as my two boys. And. And, man, the first couple years when my kids were like one and three and this little boy was two, oh, my God, it was like, so everyone's fighting over everything all the time. It's terrible. But you put that time in. And now the last time they were hanging out when my buddies were three and five now it was pretty amazing. I mean, there was still some fighting, and they reached their red zones for sure. But before this deep relationship is forming with these little kids and it's like their cousin. It's awesome. And that also led to that discussion of, it's important for my kids to know their aunts and their grandma and spend time with their grandma and their family members. And ultimately it's important for me too. And so instead of saying, oh, it's so hard with little kids here, and I just don't like this, it's like, well, how do I really get nourished by this time? And when I realized, for me, it's. I want to move towards people in the family more, see them as my family and open up and engage and see the value in that. But then also, it's actually taking time away too, because I think being cloistered in this house together with the kids, managing them, giving them food, dealing with all the stuff and all the people and everything, at some point, I sort of reached threshold and was just like, in zombie mode. Like, okay, I can interact. I can maybe zombie mode is not the right word. It's like facade mode. Like, I can be friendly and warm and whatever, but underneath I'm like, ugh, I just want to get away. So the plan for this year is for me to incorporate some of that and, you know, go out for some runs, maybe even go to a movie by myself or something like that somewhere in there. So I have a couple hours, ideally an hour a day or more, to just recharge, have some introvert time, and then come back and feeling good. And that might be something that you want to do too, right? So it's not just whether you go or not or how many days you're there or not. This comes back to the first thing. What do you want? And like, can you. Maybe you. Maybe you want some alone time or, you know, Candice was like, ah, man, I would love to go to a movie with my sister and, you know, her husband and whatever different family members. It's like, great, well, maybe you could do that with them. And I'll be with the Boys. And then later on, I'd like to go for a run or whatever so we can be more upfront about what we want. And you can do this. You can just tell family members, like, okay, guys, I'm gonna be out for a couple hours this afternoon. I'll see you guys for dinner. Just, like, proclaim it. Don't look for approval. Don't wait for someone to say, hey, it's okay. Do what you want. Just claim it. Do it. And then ultimately, you're gonna be a lot more happy to be there. You're gonna have a lot more authentic connection and attention to give, because you're not gonna feel burnt out inside, and you're really gonna be taking care of yourself. So. Oh, and let me say one other thing before we get to the action step for this episode, which is we've been talking a lot about spending time with family and being with family. What if you don't have family? Or what if being with family is really triggering for you and it's really hard? So you either feel, like, lonely and isolated because you don't really connect with your family, or you feel lonely and isolated because you just don't have anywhere to go. You know, how do you deal with that? What do we do with that? And this is extremely common in our society. Very prevalent. So the first thing I want to say is you're not alone and you're not in this situation because you're, like a freak or a mutant or there's something wrong with you. You're in this situation because our society, at least in America, depends on where you're listening to this from. But many countries in the world now, like human tribes, have sort of melted, and we're not really connected to much of anything at this point. People are very disconnected. And that's part of the increased sort of astronomical increases in mental health issues, including anxiety, depression. A lot of these things are coming from connection or a loss of connection. In fact, there's a fantastic book called Lost Connections, which I highly recommend you read or listen to. And it just shatters the myth that depression comes from broken brain chemistry and that you need antidepressants to solve that. And actually, let's look at the underlying source instead of trying to mask symptoms with what usually amounts to primarily a placebo effect. There's a lot of research on that now. But in any case, this sense of lost social connection, lost place, lost belonging is everywhere extremely common. In fact, there's this study that they've been doing for many years, decades. It's a social connection study. And they ask people, how many confidants do you have close relationships where you can talk about what's going on in your life with that person? And in 1970, the most common answer was three. I have three confidants. Three people I can talk to about what's going on in my life. In 2004, that number. The most common response to that question was zero. So we're isolated in so many ways, and even if we're around people, and I know that experience, being around family, but feeling like, ugh, there's no connection. That's probably why I wasn't available and still am not as available to a lot of my extended family is because they want to be around me. But I am such an authentic, deep, expressive person. Like, I want to get to know you. I want to hang out with you and find out what's going on in your life and talk about your interests and your passions and your challenges and, like, real things. I want to go deeper than superficial or safe personal data. I want to go into what has meaning for you. What do you feel about things? What are you interested in your life? What are you passionate about? What do you hate? Whatever it is, like, let's just go there. And I found that that was hard to create, that a lot of people in my family do not want that. So maybe you experienced that as well. So that can feel isolating or disconnecting. And it became really nice actually to spend time with family and with Candace, my wife, because then I didn't feel that because I could talk with her openly about what was happening. We could kind of debrief after spending time with the family, like, okay, what was that like? Or what happened to her? What's going on here? So if you don't feel fully connected with your family or you don't have places to go, just know you're not alone and let go of any pressure to. It's supposed to be a certain way. Or this fantasy, like, oh, everyone out there is having this laughing, happy time where they're, you know, you're imagining, like, the who's from the Grinch that Stole Christmas. Like, they're all getting around and having this feast and eating roast beast and all this stuff. No, there's millions of people are just like you right now, and it's okay. It's just a day. It's just a moment. And you feel lonely. You can feel lonely. Think about, how can I take care of myself? What would nourish me? What would feel Good for me right now. Maybe cooking yourself a nice meal, maybe getting your snow gear on and going for a hike in the snow, maybe watching a movie that you like and just really being and taking care of yourself and treating yourself well. And ultimately, if you're like, wow, this is a sign that I do want more connection in my life, well, then don't beat yourself up on Christmas Eve, like, I'm such a loser. This is why I'm alone, right? This is not gonna help you. Instead, we're getting close to the new year. We'll be talking about the new year in the next episode. Get determined, get focused, and say, I'm gonna master this area of my life. I'm gonna master my social life. Don't be a victim of like, well, I'm just stuck this way. I'm broken, I'm anxious. No, you can shift. You can change your life for the better if you're determined. And then by next year, next Christmas, you'll be invited to different people's houses for Christmas because they love you, because you're awesome. And if you want specific guidance on that, check out the Social Mastery course Inside of Confidence University. There's a whole course dedicated to helping you really get control of this area of your life. You can check that out@theconfidenceuniversity.com as well. So use the feeling as a way to motivate you. Or if you don't, if it's not that intense for you and you don't feel like, I gotta master my social life, maybe you just don't have someone to spend time with this holiday. It's no big deal. Just take care of yourself and be on your own side, no matter what. Awesome. So, lot of ideas here. Let's talk about how to put this into action. Now. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step today is going to depend upon your current circumstances. First thing is, what do I want? Ask yourself, what do I want for this holiday? Maybe you already have plans set up. Maybe you. Maybe it's too late to change those. In which case, you know, if you're already going somewhere, well, how do you want to spend your time? What do I want to do? What would be my ideal day there? What conversations do I want to have with certain family members? What things do I want to do with certain people? What things do I not want to do? And, you know, give yourself permission to bow out of that conversation with that family member who wants to talk politics with you. And, you know it's going to be a shit show. Just give yourself permission to not do that. Unless you like that shit show and you want to get in there with Uncle Larry and discuss, you know, the pros and cons of the Trump presidency or whatever. Right? So whatever is engaging for you, really doing it on your own terms. And then of course, the other action step is going to be if you like really looking at what you want to create for yourself over this next year, and if you want to be in a better place socially a year from now, committing to that. And we'll go deeper into that in next week's episode about making 2019 the best year ever. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.