How To Face Your Fears

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about how to face your fears in order to build confidence. If you have not listened to the previous episode, that would be well worth doing because it's all about why you must face your fear in order to build confidence. And knowing why it's essential is sometimes the biggest factor in making it happen. And all the how is just the details that follow. So listen to that and let's talk about how now, because how is helpful. It's tools, it's strategies, it's things that will turn it into a reality for you. And I'm going to share a couple in this episode that you can use right away that will be extremely beneficial for you in your life. If you want more tools and strategies on how to do what scares you and create an extraordinary level of confidence, make sure you go to my website, draziz.coM-R-A z I z.com and get my five steps to unleash your inner confidence video mini course that you can get absolutely free. And while you're also on the page, if you want to look up more coaching and group coaching that I have, you can find out more about that under the coaching confidence coaching tab. And you can even apply for a confidence breakthrough session, which typically those are $297, but as a listener of this show, you can apply and we can gift you one where you can talk with a coach and really determine, like, where am I going and how do I use all this stuff from listening to this podcast to the next level and see if there's a coaching program that is right for you. And you know, you could be one of the success stories in my mastermind program. That would be exciting. Okay, so let's talk about how to face fear. In the previous episode I was talking about, the fear is coming from a sense of threat, like something is dangerous. So maybe you're scared of rejection, scared of someone saying no to you. You're scared of saying no to somebody. You're scared of someone being upset with you. You're sort of making a mistake and someone's upset with you. You're scared of speaking your mind. You're scared of dressing a certain way, walking a certain way, talking a certain way, acting a certain way, whatever it is. And in that, you perceive that, that it's threatening. Your mind says it's dangerous, and you think it's some sort of threat to you or your safety. And so one of the first things to do is to neutralize that sense of threat. Now, there's two ways to do that. One is you intellectually run through it and see, is there actually a threat to my survival here? Because there's certain things that might be. I. I don't know. You live in a certain part of the world where if you were to come out as homosexual, that would be. Maybe there is an active, intense homophobia that is being acted out with violence there. Okay? That's a circumstance that you want to take into account or you want to be really outspoken about certain views that are going to lead to you getting canceled or you losing your job or something. Okay? Those are things that you. I'm not saying you can't do those things, you know, because every culture needs someone to buck the oppression and say, hey, I'm going to stand up for this. Right? That's where you get Martin Luther King, who is definitely taking a threat to his life and ultimately died as a result of his speaking out. So, you know, that's talk about confidence, talk about courage. But, you know, you get to intellectually run through it and say, is this actually threatening to my survival? 99 times out of 100, depending on your circumstances and what we're talking about here, you're going to intellectually discover that it's not. You might already know that, right? I ask someone out and they say no to me. Is that threatening to my survival? And pay attention to that language. Is that threatening to my survival? And what that's doing is that's reminding you that it's uncomfortable, but it's not going to kill me. Okay? So it's the intellectual part. If that were it and we were Spock and we were robots, then you'd problem solve. But we're not. We're emotional creatures. So the next level is to work with it on the level of emotion. So I'd like you to pick something right now that you're afraid of, an action that you would take that maybe could lead to something that you were scared of. What if I said no to that person? What if I spoke up to that person? What if so and so is upset with me or gets upset with me, Right? So think about that person being upset with you or that person rejecting you and actually focus on it right now. This is a form of exposure, gradual exposure, where you lean towards the thing that you are avoiding. And by you're doing it first in your imagination, you bring it to your awareness. And then you start to feel. And you're probably going to feel uncomfortable. So breathe. And soften. Soften your belly, Soften your jaw. Any part of you that's holding on or bracing right now, just invite it on the next breath to soften and to allow. This is just discomfort. That's all that it is right now. It's just uncomfortable. All of our fears are fears of feelings and sensations and discomfort. As you breathe and soften and allow. If you're really in your head right now and you're fighting it and you're thinking about it and how do I get rid of this? And I don't like this. That's all resistance. Resistance locks the feeling into place, prevents it from moving and flowing. It's dynamic. It'll move through you. It's like a wave. It'll build and it'll crest and it'll calm down. Bring your awareness out of your mind and into your body. Into where do I feel the fear? Is it around your chest? Is it in your throat? Is it your stomach? Is it your back? Is it your neck? Is it moving all over the place? Just follow it with your awareness. Is it hot or cold? Is it large like a basketball inside of you? Or is it small and dense like a stone? Does it expand beyond the boundary of your skin? You can almost sense it. It's like bigger than you. Let it be as big as it wants to be. This is just fear. This is just discomfort. This is just a feeling. It's a sensation. It's emotion, it's energy. Let it move. As you do this and you really invite this in. You will start to access a relaxation response in your nervous system. This is a measurable response. They found that people that do this for it depends upon the time, you know, 10 minutes, something like that, that there can be a shift. It's a shift in your breathing, it's a shift in your hormones, it's a shift in your nervous system. From the sympathetic to the parasympathetic they call it that you're more relaxed. And when you're relaxed, there's a sense of, I'm okay, I'm safe. You don't relax when there's a tiger coming at you. So what we're doing here is we're basically sending a signal to your nervous system like, hey, there's no tiger. I'm okay. And as long if you're doing this and you're really in your head and you're like, oh, but this is gonna happen, and that's gonna happen. What if that happens? The relaxation response doesn't trigger because you're just jacking up your fear system by imagining tigers jumping out and biting off your face. If you just keep imagining it, oh, bad thing, bad thing, bad thing, bad thing, bad thing. Without any chance to just be and process each one, then, you know, you just keep jacking yourself up. But ultimately, what we're doing is you're opening to the feeling. You're allowing the feeling. But another thing which I think is, like, the true superpower is you are allowing reality to be as well. And reality is all things. The totality of this life is all things. So when you go take that risk and you go talk to that person or do the thing that scares you, the truth is it can go all different ways. They could welcome you with open arms. They could be neutral towards you. They could dislike you, right? You open your heart to love. You could have the love of your life forever. You could have a thing that goes for a little while and then falls apart. You could have a thing that goes south and gets really painful. You could have them leave you. You could have them get sick. They could die. Like, you open up your heart, everything can occur. And of course, you're making, like, a judgment call. You're making a risk assessment. Even if it's unconsciously, it's like, what are the likelihood of if I'm going to go further with this person and we're going to be together, like, you imagine that it's going to work out, right? You're taking a bet, you're taking a gamble, you're taking a risk. That's life. And what also is life, though, is that our risks don't always go the way that we want and that we can experience pain and loss. And so when you focus on the thing that you're scared of happening and you calm yourself, you're accepting not only the feelings, but you're also accepting the events that can occur. And you're saying, yeah, that can occur too, and that's okay. And now what you're sending is you're sending a message to your nervous system and your subconscious that says I'm safe no matter what. And safe doesn't mean comfortable. It doesn't mean that I'm like, oh, that person left me. Yeah, I feel great. Like you might feel bad and it's okay to feel bad. How do you send the message that it's okay and safe to feel painful feelings? Because right now you are allowing yourself to feel whatever is there, including painful feelings, and not run from it. It's exposure. You're facing it, you're allowing it, and that strengthens you over time. And the more you practice this, the stronger you get, and the stronger you get, the more able you are to take action. Because if something doesn't go the way that you want, it doesn't demolish you. That's up until this point when I see people that are very hesitant in taking action and they have a pattern of avoidance. They are unwilling to experience certain feelings. And so they'll avoid circumstances and they'll avoid action to avoid those feelings. And when they start to practice something like this, then there's a willingness that starts to emerge. So this is the most powerful tool, the most important way to face your fear. And I think I even have a whole episode you can look for it. It's called the life changing skill of feeling your feelings. And you can learn, I guide you. The whole episode is like a guided process that you can go through. So look that one up if you want more practice with this. Okay? So you have exposed yourself to the outcomes. You let yourself feel whatever is there. What else can you do to face your fear? Another tool which is very different than this one. You could think of this one as a, you know, it's like yin and yang, right? There's just different tools for different times. So one tool is that one. It's like a calming and soothing of the nervous system. Another tool is to access the part of you that's already in there, that is baff. Bold as F, that is powerful, that is strong, that is confident, that is capable. You have that part inside of you. You might not access it very much or you might never access it in dating or not at work or whatever. But it comes out, it always comes out somewhere. Maybe it comes out when you're playing basketball with a friend and you're just kind of, you know, you're relaxed, you're not even thinking about it. You start trash talking, you start getting a little cocky. You know, I remember I'm A big fan of the Gathering, and it's a card game, fantasy card game with elves and goblins and such. And I played it for many years, ever since I was about 10 or 11 years old. And before my first son was born, I actually would go play in these tournaments at the Nerd Dungeon, as I called it. And, you know, they had Friday night Magic. They would call, you go there and you do these booster draft tournaments where you open up packs and you make decks and you play each other. And then I stopped going when my son was born, but when he was 4, I taught him how to play magic. Oh, yes. And he's actually gone to a couple of these with me. It's a very different experience with him. It's way less. Like, I'm way less competitive, and I just kind of play around and play some games, and we generally lose and then go home. But it's fun. I love playing with him. But any case, when I went to this nerd dungeon, I mean, it was 98% men. And they're, you know, I say nerd playfully because I think I'm pretty nerdy. I like the Gathering and Out in Space and all that stuff. But I say it lovingly because I feel like, man, there's just. I'm so multidimensional. I love space. I love nerdy things. I love science. And then I also love to be athletic and use my body and strong and I'm intelligent and I'm funny and I can perform and I can share. It's like. And that's not just me. That's you. Like, it's just, how much of your dynamic self have you activated through doing what scares you? Anyway, that's a whole other topic. But anyway, so I'm at this Nerd Dungeon, and these guys, you know, I can't infer too much about their lives outside of here, outside of the Nerd Dungeon. But based upon the way they carry themselves and how they looked and their social confidence and stuff, I would guess that a number of them might have challenges in dating and socially and relationships and other things, it's just my. You know, I can get a pretty good read from doing this work for so many years. But what I found is that no matter what their social confidence, you know, interacting around or before, because I would go talk to people and interact with them, because that's just what I do now. And. And, you know, they might be having a hard time making eye contact and show a lot of signs of social anxiety. Once the game started, they were like, badass A lot of these guys, they were like, talking trash or like, oh, yeah, you know, and they had nicknames for all the cars that I didn't know, you know, so there may be the car that's called, like, Mona the Crypt Keeper or something, right? I don't know. Making stuff up. And they would be like, so I played Mona. I did a Mona drop on turn four and this and that. And they're laughing and they're just, like, talking, like how they crushed that opponent and did this. And, you know, it's not any different than guys on the basketball court talking trash. And it's like, oh, everyone's got that part that comes out somewhere. It's your badass part. It's your swagger. You know what I'm talking about? Can you access that right now? Now, you might be sitting, you might be driving, you might be able to get up and move around. But if you can. If you're in a private space, if you can stand up and move around, or even if you're sit your car or something, see if you can get into a certain body posture and just start to access that badass version of you. Maybe you stand a little taller. Maybe you're. It's like taller but not stiff. It's like taller and relaxed. Like, when I'm leading my mastermind calls, I'll have people. Or at live events, I'll do this too. I'll say, like, walk around the room like you freaking own the place. And you just start to see this shift in people, and they stand up taller and they make stronger eye contact. You're accessing this version of you. And then we amplify it. And I use. People use their voice, and I say, did you know you can access power at any time? Try this out. In fact, you try it with me right now. Just say the phrase, I am bold. Good. Say it out loud right now. And if you're. If you're in a. You know, you're sitting in a work environment and you got these. One of your earbuds in secretly right now. And you can't let anyone know you're listening to anything. You can't make any noise in your mind. Just say it right now. Like this. I am bold. And stand tall and move around and snap your body up and walk around with strength in this relaxed, confident posture like you own the place. Now say it again out loud. I am bold. I gotta stand a little further from the mic. It's gonna blow the mic out. Here we go. I'm gonna step Back. Here we go. I am bold. It's still blowing the mic out. I'm too powerful, right? Breathe in. Stand tall. Say it again. Here we go. One, two, three. I am bold. That's better. I had to move quite far back from that. I had to walk back like I own the place from this mic and then say that, and you might have a smile on your face. You might start to feel a little more energy in your body. Breathe in. You can also use the word yes. You can make a gesture, and you do this again and again and again. And I work with people on this, and I'll. And it's so different than maybe how they've used their body in the past that it sort of feels like strange. They don't have permission. But if you hang around me enough, we just do it again and again and again until you have that permission, and then you can access that bold part of you, and then you take action from that place. And if that first one about feeling the fear and calming your nervous system is the yin, this is the yang. If that's the feminine, this is the masculine. And you can access both, whether you're a man or a woman. And you want to be able to access both of these tools whether you're a man or a woman. And you can lean in from this place. This is a place of courage. This is a place of power. This is a place of freaking. Bring it on. Right? Let's go. I got this. I can handle. It's like rising to that challenge. And it's the same. Maybe there's the same fear there. There's the same concern, but instead of shying away from you, you say, bring it on. And what is it that you're bringing on? Well, you'. I'm bringing on the future, the beyond. The beyond. Like, I'm not gonna get all hung up in this one instance with this one person and this one rejection, this one thing. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get rejected. Yes. Yes. People are gonna not like it. Or sometimes I am gonna be messy when I communicate or I am gonna make a mistake. Yeah. And I'm on a trajectory. I'm going this way. I see a future vision that's bright and big and awesome, and it only becomes real when I step in and I do this. I'm going to become the kind of person who speaks up. I want to become the kind of person who has direct conversations. I want to become the kind of person who goes after what I want and asks for it and gets a no. And if I get a no, actually, when I get a no. Bring it on. Do you feel that? Can you sense that? That's a level of transform energy, of breakthrough energy, of masculine energy, of power, of strength, of resilience. And you want to add the icing on the cake for this one is add in the concept of antifragility. Antifragility. Nassim Taleb, I believe his name is. Is the book. It's called Antifragility. And the book is dense, as all of his books are. Not a huge fan of his writing style, but I like the concept a lot. Antifragile is this. If something is fragile, when you drop it, it breaks. Think a glass cup. Resilient is when something drops, it bounces or it doesn't break. Think a rubber cup or a plastic cup just bounces on the ground. Plastic water bottle. Then there's something that he says there was no word for that. He had to come up with a word for. Because it was like. There's a concept that's called antifragile, which is when you drop it, it doesn't crash. It doesn't just bounce and not break. It bounces and comes back higher or stronger or better than when you dropped it. The challenge to it strengthens it. Ooh, isn't that powerful? So what if, when you get a no, you're antifragile and it actually makes you stronger and, yeah, maybe it's uncomfortable. What if that discomfort is not bad? What if it's strengthening you? How is it strengthening you? Well, it's strengthening just your pure, raw capacity to handle uncomfortable sensations. Isn't that valuable in life to be able to handle uncomfortable sensations? I have made a practice of seeking out uncomfortable situations and putting myself into situations that tax me more than I'm capable, especially physically, because on some level, I know it's preparation for life. There's gonna be uncomfortable stuff that happens in life, and you gotta be able to be able to be with pain, be with raw sensation. On top of that, though, it also increases your capacity to handle and sort of disentangle from things. Because when you get rejected and it feels awful and you feel bad, that's not necessary. That's not how it has to be. That's patterns that you've created. When someone is upset with you and you feel like you're sick and you can't interact and you can't do anything and you can't think like that's not how it has to be. I'm not saying that someone's upset with you that you care about or you made a mistake and you feel like you let them down and that you all of a sudden you feel nothing. But you can feel discomfort and a willingness to clean it up or you know, you could feel rejected and you could feel sadness and a willingness to keep moving forward. Like you can feel all these things and you get better at disentang and not buying into your negative thinking and your doubt and your stories. And you just see it for what it is. You upgrade what I call your default rejection pattern where you stop just going to the worst case scenario. And you only learn that by doing it. And that's how you increase your antifragility is you get practice, you get strength by being in the trenches of like, ah, I know how to handle this one because I've handled it a hundred times before. Fantastic. You probably tell I'm getting fired up. I hope you're getting fired up. Let's turn this fire into some action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step today is gonna be obvious. It's gonna be to do what scares you, to face your fear. Now you can use either tool. From today. You can be, you can, you can face the fear without actually going taking any action in the world. In fact, sometimes that's the most. Where you get the most powerful growth is simply what's something that you're really scared of. Now sit down and imagine it and be with it and calm your nervous system as you experience it emotionally, mentally, imagination. And do that for 10 minutes. That's extremely valuable action. Or get into a fired up state and go do some stuff. Go make that phone call, send that email, have that conversation, ask that person out, whatever it is you want to do, however you want to face the fear. And remember, this isn't just a one time thing. When you listen to this episode, if you really want to transform your life, if you really want to make this the best year of your life, the freest year of your life, you want to eradicate social anxiety and step into higher levels of confidence than ever before. This has got to become a habit. This has got to become a way of life. This has got to become who you are. Fantastic. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.

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