How To Feel Confident No Matter What

Welcome to Shrink for the shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. And today we're going to be talking about self compassion versus self esteem for confidence. Now, I was trying to come up with a glitzier title than that. You know, like two things to skyrocket your confidence a thousand percent now, Kablow. But I realized that hopefully these two ideas of self compassion and self esteem are actually already interesting for you. And if you're listening this far into the episode, hey, they must have been. But they're actually extremely important for building your confidence. They're two skills, two practices, two things to learn or things to apply that will radically boost your confidence. And each one's a little bit different, and you need both. And I'm gonna talk about what they are, how you build them so you can significantly boost your confidence. Now, like, by the end of this episode with the action step, you'll leave here with not only just some knowledge, but also a different felt sense of how to relate to yourself, how to feel better about yourself, and how to truly have that confidence from the inside. That what we're going for here is unconditional confidence, how to feel confident no matter what. And in fact, we're gonna change the title of this episode to how to feel confident no matter what. That's the glitzy title we're going for. Kablam. But just so you know, the original title was self compassion versus self esteem for confidence. Come on, give me a grade. Which one's better? Well, here we are. So, self compassion versus self esteem. Aren't they kind of the same thing? Well, in common language, people might use them interchangeably. Or maybe you've heard of self esteem and you've never heard of self compassion. Maybe they all just sound kind of like psychobabble to you, but there's a big difference, and there's a value in knowing what the two are. So self compassion is something I have been fascinated with for a long time. When I started to discover that that might be an antidote to self hatred, which is not a term I even knew about or thought of when I was younger and had a lot of social anxiety. But I lived in self hatred. It's the opposite of being on your own side. And as I got into graduate school and started studying psychology and I realized like, wow, I have a really negative inner critic. How do I fix this? It led me on a path that still goes to this day, but it started with discovering something about self compassion. And I was so interested in it that I actually did my clinical dissertation on self compassion and meditation and how meditation might actually improve your capacity for self compassion and how that might just work. And if you want to read it, you can't. It's in some boring, terrible book somewhere that no one ever really wants to read. But if you want to get the lowdown on self compassion, definitely check out the book Omos on My Own side, which really covers both. But there's a lot of self compassion in there. So what is self compassion? Well, compassion, forget the self part for a minute. Just the word compassion, if you were to define it, means to see the suffering in another and feel moved by that with a desire to help in some way. Right? It's caring. And for there to be compassion, you have to see the suffering in another or feel it. Right? Empathy is what's needed there for compassion. You have to have empathy. I see you, I feel your pain, or I'm aware that you're in pain. There's an emotional awareness there. And I care. It's not like, oh, I see you're suffering, whatevs. It's actually, can I help in some way? That's what compassion means. So self compassion would simply mean directing that towards yourself. So you are able to have empathy or care for your own suffering and then be moved in some way to want to help. And that might sound kind of simple on the surface, but actually in practice we can be pretty bad at this. And you'll notice this by the way, that you might relate to yourself when you're suffering. And you might have a tendency to be very dismissive or cold or harsh or impatient with yourself. So let's say you're nervous or you're anxious going into some situation, a party, a date, a conversation, a workday. And your inner response to that is, ah, come on, man, why are you always afraid? Or what are you nervous about? Or what's the big deal? Come on. And there's A frustration or an impatience or a harshness or a coldness there. So compassion, self compassion would be bringing empathy to yourself. Like, hey, what are you feeling? Oh, you're feeling nervous. And empathy is like, I get it, I see that you're nervous. Maybe even like, oh, it makes sense that you're nervous. And then there's a care component to it, right? Like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that's hurting. I'm sorry you're nervous. I'm sorry you feel that way. And again, people's. When I talk with them in person about this, people's eyebrows kind of go up and they're like, no, what? As if it's some weird, you know, magic spell I'm casting. Of what? Of what words dost thou speaketh? Strange language you're using. What tongue is that? Right? And it's just so foreign to ourselves. And I say, okay, how would you relate with a six year old who has a stomachache because he's too nervous to go to school? Right? That's going to give you a lot of information about how you probably relate to yourself. If you're like, come on buddy, shut up and do it. Well, that's what you're probably doing to yourself, right? Do you have empathy? Like, oh, what's happening? In fact, this is very relevant in our lives because we have a seven year old who has a lot of challenges with school and difficulty. He gets nervous, he has somatic symptoms like stomach ache before school and we're kind of working out, helping him adjust to the new school he's in and finding his way. But what will often happen is he'll say in the morning like, I don't want to go to school. And I say, oh, tell me more. Why, why not? And then. Or he'll just say, like, oh, he's sitting at the breakfast table, like, oh. I'm like, what's up, bud? He's like, I don't want to go to school. I'm like, you look nervous. Are you afraid? He's like, yeah, I'm afraid. Like, oh, what are you. What are you afraid of? I'm afraid of. We sit there, it's so boring. We sit there for a whole hour and we can't move. And he's got a lot of energy, a lot of symptoms of adhd. So he's got a lot. He's got to move. That kid's got to move a lot, right? So sitting there stationary for an hour feels terrible to him. So I'm curious, I'm Asking him questions. I'm not jumping in and say, well, here's what you do. Shut up and do it right. So that, what is that? That's compassion. And that's the way you would relate to yourself. And that is a game changer. So compassion is unconditional. It is. You don't have to earn it, you don't have to deserve it. You can receive it because it flows freely like the sunshine. You don't have to be worthy. If it's a sunny day, just get outside and you'll be in the sunshine. Same thing with the rain coming from the sky. You get the water from the sky, right? It's the earth. It's nurturing. It's like a feminine energy. I love you no matter what. I love you whether you go to school or not. I love you whether you're scared or not. I love you whether you achieved or not. That's the energy of self compassion. And we need to build that in order to have more unconditional confidence. Otherwise it's, well, did you hit a home run? Then I hate you. Right? That's not confidence. That's we're fear then, now we're running scared. So that's one aspect and it's extremely important to build Again, the book On My Own side goes in great depth into that. There's other episodes in the show about self confidence, compassion as well. And super important for confidence because if you say, I'm afraid to go take that risk, I'm afraid to talk to that person, I'm afraid to go for that thing in my business. What if I fail? Well, self compassion is, I don't care if you fail. I love you no matter what. And not just saying those words. But maybe it starts with just saying those words and not believing them, but over time really believing them and really finding a path to actually treat yourself like someone that you love and care about. And I call that the decision of a lifetime. In the book, almost on My own side, where you really decide, hey, I'm gonna, I'm done. I'm done treating myself poorly. I'm gonna treat myself like someone I care about because anything else is insanity. So that's self compassion, self esteem, esteem means, you know, how you value something. I held him in high esteem. So a sense of being valued, of special, feeling proud, and, you know, you could say, hey, you're special no matter what. And that's true on a self compassion level. And then on another level, there's a way that people are more measurably special. And one pitfall I see is that people try to get all their confidence just from self compassion, which is a very important side of the puzzle. It's like a baseline to have. And self esteem is not automatically granted in the least the way that I'm in using it. I'd say self compassion is love for yourself, no matter what can be. And esteem is earned. Esteem is something that you get from doing hard things. And it doesn't necessarily have to mean other people are looking at you saying like, wow, you're so great. Although that might happen and that can feel good, but it is a healthy glow that you get to experience an afterglow that you get to experience after doing something hard that no one might even know about, but you know, and you feel good. And it doesn't have to mean you pump yourself up and say, I'm so much better than everybody because I did that thing. Yeah, it's just, it's an automatic result of doing something challenging. So you have a commitment to do something in the morning, to work out, to go for a run, to whatever you think, go for a bike ride. And then you get up in the morning, you kind of don't want to do it. Maybe it's raining outside and you're like, I don't want to. And then you do it anyway afterwards. How do you feel? Feel good? Feel strong? Feel like hell? Yeah, I'm gonna take on the day. Right. That's self esteem. It's not about what others see, it's about you. And there's a common phrase which is that people are often rewarded in public for the work they've done in private. Right. So, you know, someone might look at you and say, wow, look, you're so fit. But they didn't see, you know, the hundred and, you know, or 500 days in the previous couple years where you got up and did something uncomfortable or hard. And sure, them saying you look fit might feel good, but that, that's a very small amount of the self esteem glow. The glow is just you knowing you did the uncomfortable thing. Now you can do something hard or uncomfortable or challenging and still not get the self esteem. Because you have a critic that's like, well, you got a 99% on the test, but not a hundred. So this is where you have to practice being able to acknowledge your wins, honor those wins, celebrate yourself in those wins, including the small incremental stuff that actually does lead to the, you know, being recognized in public for the things that you did in private. So that looks like you finding Ways to challenge yourself. That's where self esteem comes from, is challenging yourself. And I've given some physical examples. But you could challenge yourself at work. You could challenge yourself academically. You could challenge yourself by learning a language that's not even for academics or work or any, you know, tangible achievement other than you wanting to look for a way to challenge yourself. I talked to a guy recently, wanted to get his pilot license. That's what confidence would feel like for him. And that's. There's a challenge in that. And you better believe that when he is, you know, along the way as well, like learning the material, passing the test. But when he's flying up there on one of his first flights that he can do by himself because he passed all the prerequisites and got all the hours and everything, there's going to be this glow of self esteem. Like, yeah, what is that? That's. Yes, I can. Yes, you can. Yes, you can do things. Yes, you can put your mind to things. Yes, you can develop that. There's a sense of pride and power and capability and a celebration of you being a active participant in your life, a designer, an architect of your destiny. And you earn that. You receive that through the challenge, through the discomfort, and willing to lean into that. And so you need to do both. You need to really build your confidence. You want to have this baseline of self compassion, which is, hey, I love you no matter what. It doesn't matter if that person liked you or not. It doesn't matter if you passed the test or not. I love you, right? Think of the mother who just loves her kid no matter what, right? There's the classic example of, like, the guy who's in prison for doing some violent crime. And the mom's like, I just still love him, right? That's this beautiful, nurturing love that doesn't get turned off. It has compassion, has understanding. Even if someone did do something violent, it's like I remember the little boy underneath before he, you know, got hurt and took a wrong turn. That's what that mother remembers, right? But then the other side is the love of the father. And I'm using mother father. This doesn't necessarily have to mean literal mother, father. It's more energetic, right? Masculine, feminine energy. But that's like, you can do things. I believe in you challenge yourself. You know, that's the coach where you're running and you're tired and like, you got another mile in you. Let's go. And then you find something. You dig deeper and you prove something to Yourself. You show something to yourself and as a result, your identity upgrades. Hey, I can do more than I thought. I am more than I thought. What else can I do? And that feels good because you're starting to live more into your potential, into who you're really meant to be. And that's the side that comes from self esteem. So let's talk about how to put this into action in your life today. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step is going to be to practice both in a very small way. The first thing I want you to do is the self compassion side. Pay attention to how you relate to yourself today. Just for a day, check in a few times, ask yourself this really powerful question as a marker for self compassion, which is, am I being on my own side right now? Then just pay attention. Are you treating yourself well? Are you treating yourself with empathy? Or is it kind of harsh and cold? Notice that that's your self compassion exercise and you want to go further with self compassion. Definitely check out the book On My Own side or Kristin Neff also has a book. She's a researcher in self compassion. I learned a lot from during my dissertation days and I believe her book is just called Self Compass. So that's a valuable read. Or if you want to get like the probably, there's probably a synopsis on YouTube for like in like 10 minutes to get the gist of it. But I really do think like spending the time to read her book or my book. It's partly like this investment of energy where you really are reflecting about it and thinking about it a lot for a while, which I think is what it takes to really change these patterns. So that's self compassion. Your self esteem action step is to do something uncomfortable today, do a hard thing today. It could be a physical thing, it could be a social thing, it could be a challenge at work or a mental task. Just pick something and say, hey, I'm gonna do this. And it doesn't have to be extreme, doesn't have to blow you out of the water or take five hours. Maybe it's just five minutes. Maybe just pick up the phone or send an email that you've been avoiding for a week and just lean in and you do it. And then after you do the thing, here's a key part of building the self esteem is take a moment to acknowledge yourself. Like, hey, you did that thing, great work. And you acknowledge yourself just like you would someone else. And I know these. The way I'm describing talking about it is the way that you might talk to someone outside of yourself. You might talk to a friend or a kid or a family member or someone you're supporting. Hey, good, nice work or hey, I love you no matter what. That's how you want to start talking to yourself. You want to start treating yourself like someone that you love and care about and someone that you support and encourage and and invite them to step into the challenges in their life by believing in them. And you combine those two things, self compassion and self esteem. You have rocket fuel for your confidence. Awesome. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

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