How To Feel Good Enough

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself, second, then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about how to feel good enough, which is perhaps fascinating sociologically that that is a thing that we need to learn how to do. I don't know if that was always the case. I do know that in some cultures that, for example, the Dalai Lama was at some meeting where he was learning about kind of how this idea of feeling totally inferior or not enough. And the concept to him had to be explained several times. And then he, like, asked all the people in the room, he's like, is this common? Does everyone feel this here? And people were, you know, this was like a bunch of psychologists, neuroscientists. It was kind of like east meets west when it comes to meditation and mindfulness. And everyone there was like, yeah, yeah, we do. And he was like, whoa. I don't think he said whoa, but there was my recollection of stories. Sorry, a little dramatic. And then the Dalai Lama, like, punched through the wall high C, man style. That's my story. Anyway, welcome. We're gonna be talking about this. This is important for us to talk about and important for you to leave here, you know, with more tools on how to feel like you're enough. Because it's. It's sad that many of us might not feel that way much of the time. It's a form of pain and suffering and we want to help alleviate it. And it is a we today, not just the royal we. It's me and Amber, my co host. Hey, Amber.

Hey.

Welcome. Many of you know, if you listen to last week's episode, you got some great insights from Amber about how to not feel jealous and super good stuff there. Hopefully you've been doing some reflection on that this last week. And for those of you who don't know, Amber is a coach on my team and she is a rock star and is just been, you know, a ton of. You can hear when she shares today, it's a lot of, like, study and reading about confidence and assertiveness and relationships. And she's a dating coach, too. But so much of it is personal growth, personal experience. So it's very applied knowledge, you know, because in this day and age, we can all just listen to a podcast or listen to an audiobook and get information, but to really apply it and transform is what she's done. So it's awesome to have you here. And let's. Let's dive into this idea of how to feel good enough. So why do we. Why do we even need to figure this out? Why do we feel bad? Why are we not enough? What do you think, Amber?

So I think at the root of the issue is that we believe a better circumstance, a fantasy, perfect circumstance, is what would make us happy. And so right now, when we're not at that perfect circumstance, we're not good enough to feel happy. And something right now isn't good enough for us to feel at peace. And I thought it was so interesting that you mentioned the Dalai Lama because he is obviously extremely present and in the moment. And I think that is actually a huge factor in feeling good enough right now.

That's really interesting. So the I'm not good enough sort of stems from I'm not happy or satisfied in this moment. And then we look around and we say, okay, I'm not inside. I'm not feeling the way I want to be feeling. I'm feeling something other than peace, fulfillment, content, gratitude, happiness, whatever cocktail of perfection we're going for. And we look around, we're like, okay, I'm not feeling that. It must be something. And then we start to look for perhaps qualities in ourselves or aspects about our lives that are inadequate, not there yet, based on our fantasy.

Yeah, I think actually the fantasy is what makes us not feel good enough. And actually, if we didn't have the fantasy, we would feel fine right now.

Yeah. This is so good. Because what I know a lot of people say is like, yeah, but I do need. I do need to get to X. I need. I. You know, how can I be happy when I am overweight right now or I'm not working the job that I. That I like, and I don't like my boss and my co workers, but I have to be there, me. So what do you say to that?

Well, first of all, it's good to identify your fantasy or perfect circumstance that you believe would make you happy. And then it's good to question it. So I have a couple questions. That you can ask to question if it's really true that you're not capable of being happy right now. So, first of all, is everybody with that perfect circumstance that you want completely happy? And second of all, could the opposite be true? Could you maybe be less happy with that circumstance? And if you actually have an open mind, you could definitely think of some cons to your perfect circumstance.

Sure. Yeah.

And I. So sometimes we get these fantasies or perfect standards from other people. I remember I was in high school, and I had my first boyfriend, and I had just lost 10 pounds over that summer before I met him. So I had kind of gained a little bit of weight. I wasn't at the weight that I wanted. And then I decided to lose it all. I went jogging. I was eating really healthy. And then I met him, and we started dating. And he saw me in my bikini at one point, and he told me that my body was normal but not perfect.

Oh, man. And so that guy's a real charmer. Yeah. Really knows how to win a woman over.

And so it was so weird. I was perfectly happy with my body because I was comparing it to the circumstances of being 10 pounds over. And so now I was 10 pounds lighter than I was. So I was, like, really happy with my circumstance in that moment. And then immediately, he gave me a new standard of perfection to compare it to. And then at first, I didn't think much because, I don't know, I was, like, 15, and I thought, like, oh, this just like the kind of stuff that people go through relationships and, you know, maybe I could work on my body. And I did. And I resorted to some really unhealthy eating methods, and I was never happy with my body. And I always had to lose a few more, lose a few more, lose a few more. And I lost an additional 12 pounds. And then he broke up with me. And it just goes to show that it wasn't the circumstance that was making me feel good in that moment. It was the thoughts in my head about what was good enough and what wasn't.

Yeah.

And even when I lost the additional 12 pounds, so I was, like, 22 pounds lighter than I had been just a few months earlier. That was the most depressed that I ever felt in my life. And I was so heartbroken when he broke up with me.

Yeah. Even though it was probably a big blessing based upon some of that information. But, yeah. You know, in the moment. Right. And this is what we were talking about in the last episode. Like, oh, my God, this person breaking up with me with the worst thing in the world. It's like, really? Maybe, how do you know? Right. And obviously, in retrospect, probably for the best, but yes. Thank you for sharing, Amber. It just highlights so much the, this idea of I'll be happy when X and then X turns into like me needing to be someone else or different or better or richer or thinner or stronger or whatever. And if I just, just get there, then. And I think I've thought about this one a lot. I think we're, we're looking, we. The fantasy is that when we achieve X, we're going to experience some sort of sustained, effortless state of pleasure and comfort and only good feelings. And it will be devoid of painful feelings or uncomfortable feelings or anything uncomfortable. And we haven't really flushed that out. We don't really consciously walk around saying that, but it's sort of. We know that's true because we look around like, why am I not content in this moment? And it's like, well, because I have that problem and I have that discomfort and if I just got X, Y and Z, then I'd feel better. And if you follow that chain of logic, it's like, well, yeah, then you'd be devoid of all discomfort. Yes, yes, I would be. That was just thinner. And it can be so disillusioning. And maybe in a good way though, to get to that goal of whatever X pounds you were or X dollars or whatever our goal is to get there and then be like, oh, yeah, it's, you know, there's some things that are better about this. You know, I haven't reached like this state of like endless perpetual ease and comfort though. I just must need more. That's what I need. More pounds.

Exactly. And that's what I thought. The entire weight loss journey when I still wasn't happy with my body, I still didn't think I was good looking enough. I still didn't think I was skinny enough. Why am I still unhappy? I just lost five pounds. Oh, I know. I probably need to lose five. Five more pounds. That's what's wrong.

Yeah, the old, like, I love that one. It's. We're running a pattern. It's not working. We achieve the thing. You know, we run the pattern so well that we do exactly what the pattern is telling us to do and then we get there, but then we're not satisfied. And instead of saying, huh, maybe this is like a shitty pattern, we're like, yeah, I just need to run this like twice as hard and fast. I need to do more of This. I need to dig my way out of this hole. Yeah, yeah.

And so it's actually the fantasy or the perfect standard that you keep comparing your present moment to, which is causing your suffering and feeling like right now isn't good enough. If that didn't exist, you'd feel fine right now.

Yeah. And you know what? What I think is really fascinating is that on some level, we don't want to. There's a part of us that doesn't want that. Because I've talked about this a lot with people, and they're like, yeah, but how would I achieve more if. Blah, blah, blah. And then we kind of work through, like, how being present and grateful in the moment and feeling good is actually going to make you more motivated. But there's this resistance, and I've been really fascinated in myself and others as to why. And here's one thing that I saw that helped make that clear. I've been doing a lot of this week, actually, just, like, really reminding myself regularly throughout the day, this is the only moment that exists. I just say that to myself in my head, like, right now, this moment. And it's. Of course, the moment is this, like, kind of. I don't know how you describe stuff like that, but it's like this perpetual, ongoing thing, and it pulls me out of, like, a future and a past, and it's like, no, right now. So if, like, I'm walking to get somewhere, it's not like, I'm almost there. I'm doing this thing in between. It's like, no, no, no. I'm walking right now. That's what's. That's what this moment is. And I was doing that with the. Just two days ago with my son, Zaim. He's awesome. He's like, almost four. And he's obsessed with volcanoes right now. He gets really into things. First it was tsunamis and tidal waves, and now it's volcanoes and lava and magma and. And so we're getting ready for bed. Candice is brushing his little brother's teeth, and I'm just laying on the bed next to him, and he's just. We're just saying stuff about volcanoes, and he's talking and talking, and he's like, lava. Lava is really hot. What if lava and magma hit each other? And he, like, puts his finger up, like, his index finger, like, right near his eye, like someone who's making a wise point, you know, like an old sage would put his finger up and then he kind of turns his head and looks with his eye and his finger up, and he's like. And what if two mountains. Yeah, two mountains hit each other? And I'm sort of following what he's saying, and sometimes it's like I don't exactly know what you're talking about, but I'll just be like, yeah, wow, that would be really hot. You know, And I'm just. And we're, like, all, you know, pressed up against each other in the bed, and. And it is so sweet. And it's like, this is the only moment that exists. Right. There's no other moment. This is it. My goals and achieving this next and getting here. It's like there's nothing out. Like, this is it, and I'm feeling it. And instead of feeling just pure pleasure, though, I'm feeling a lot. I'm feeling, like, just utter joy and love and amusement, but I'm also feeling, like, a little bit of heartache at how sweet it is and how fleeting it is. And, like, there's nothing to hold on to. Like, this moment just goes right by. And they're not necessarily bad feelings. They're kind of bittersweet and good in a way, but it's just. It's not that weird fantasy of just, like, numb greatness. It's rich, it's complex. And I think on some level we might be avoiding some of the complexity of our heart and how much we feel and how rich and deep love is and connections are. So that's something that I've been realizing is like, we have to expand our capacity to be in the moment.

Yeah. And I think what prevents us from doing that is what you mentioned before is that people believe that they will be less motivated to achieve or they'll be settling in life if they're not unsatisfied in this moment right now.

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm laughing because I can operate that way. And I worked with a lot of clients on that. And if you take a step back and think about that, it's like, okay, so in order to achieve, you want to be really unsatisfied or moderately unsatisfied. Right. You want to kind of live that way until you reach the goal. Yes, I do. Okay. And then you get the goal. And then what? Oh, but then I'll be satisfied. Okay, so you won't. You can't be satisfied now. And then how long will that last? Oh, I don't know. Not very long. So it's. I'm laughing because it's. It's. It's insane. But what were you going to Say, would you like to say more about that?

Yeah, no, that's exactly what the thought is, is that I'm going to sacrifice happiness right now so that I can be happy in the future. It's like, well, why not be happy right now? And I think there's nothing wrong with doing what's good for you right now. Just because you're in the moment doesn't mean you don't care about the future in the sense that you're just gonna be a blob at home and watch Netflix all day. You can do what's good for you right now in this moment. And sometimes that's the gym, sometimes that's resting, sometimes that's working on something that you care about, but it's not coming from a place of right now isn't good enough. And I need to fix it so I can get to the future moment. It's just, this is what's best for me right now. And taking your attention away from how can I do something now to get to the future? Just put your focus on what can I do right now that's good for me? That's. And not like false pleasure, but truly for my well being.

Mmm, yeah, I love that. And I always encourage people just to try it out. Okay, so your mind says that if you were to somehow be satisfied now that everything would just go to shit and you know, you'd be that. I love the term blob. Blob. Describing someone. You're just gonna turn, it's gonna go blob mode and it's all over and it's like, okay, well why don't you.

Just test it out?

Cause what I found is, what you're describing is, you know, when I get really, really present, I don't wanna stop working out, I don't wanna stop eating healthy, I don't wanna. I'm still working on projects at work and I'm still creating things that won't be done that day that are multi day, multi month projects. So life doesn't stop. The future, you know, creation doesn't stop. It's just the energy and the attitude and the feeling that we have. And I found this on a very micro example is going to the gym. And there's many different ways to go to the gym, one being to not go at all. But you know, let's say you're going to the gym regularly, that's part of your life. Which I would encourage everyone to have some sort of exercise as part of their growth. Just for a million and one reasons, but I'm at the gym and you can go to the gym, like, okay, I'm here. It's 5:30 or 6, whenever you go. And it's like, oh man, when am I gonna be walking out of here? You know, in 45 minutes or an hour or however long your workout is. And that we all know is a very painful way to go work out. It's just the worst. And I was so sometimes when I'm in that mindset, I'm like, you know, the only moment that exists is this one, like that I'm not done with the gym right in this moment. I'm walking to the gym in this moment. And then I started being really fascinated, like, what's happening in this moment? Can I just focus in even deeper in this moment? And my mind was like, I was doing this exercise called sit outs. It's like a full body kind of core exercise.

And.

And I was doing 10 of them. And I was like, in my mind, I was like, oh, yes, I'm doing sit outs right now. I'm doing 10 sit outs. And then I was like, no, I'm not doing 10. I'm doing my third one on the left side. Like it's, you can go even deeper. And when you do that, just the, the quality of. It's like, it's the doing itself. I'm doing this not to get somewhere, not to get a certain body or something, some feeling of whatever accomplishment it's. I'm doing this to do it maybe for my well being. It's just, it's a really different way of approaching all of life in many ways.

Yeah. And usually the things that are good for you in the future are good for you right now. Not that they always feel good. Like working out can be painful, but you know that it's good for you. You know that it's nourishing, you know that it helps you grow. And if you really committed to each moment and gave your all to this moment, your future would probably look a lot different and a lot better.

Yeah, no, absolutely. So what about someone who's like, I guess, yeah, we want to flush it out more because. So someone who just doesn't feel good about themselves, let's say, you know, they're, they're, they don't like the way they were in conversations and interactions or, you know, they're more nervous than they want to be, or they're kind of bumbly and socially with someone they're attracted to and they look at that and they're like, it's not like I'm wanting to get really amazing, you know, way beyond. I just want to, like, I'm not even good enough to do blank right now. Like, I want to be able to just carry on a conversation, or I want to be able to just do blank. And so they really do feel like something is missing or lacking and that, you know, they're saying, like, look, I don't want a fantasy of perfection. I don't need to be the best person. I just want to be able to talk to someone that I'm attracted to. Or I just want to be able to get a date, you know, and kind of do what's quote, normal. Just want to be a normal person. How would you respond to something like that?

I would ask, what is the one thing that you could do right now that would be good for that? So instead of focusing on all of the things that you need to fix about yourself to get to that goal in the future where you can be happy, just think about what is the action that I could take right now that would help me or nourish me or help help me grow in that area. And that brings it back to, what can I work on right now? What's happening right now? What is my situation right now? And it takes away the focus of what's not right in the future.

What I can do now is I can think about all the ways that I'm flawed, which will make me motivated in the future to go do the uncomfortable thing. That's what I'll do.

That sounds like a great strategy. I'm glad that's the lesson that you took away from this podcast.

That's right. And then I'll run that strategy for 17 years. No, but I'm playing. But, you know, I'm also serious. That is what we do, and we can fall into that. And so we really. What Amber is calling out, which you guys know, I'm always banging that drum too, is the action drum is like, what's the one small, you know, tiny incremental step that you can take that's a new behavior or a new practice, and it's probably not always, but maybe gonna be a little uncomfortable. We want to look at that. And if it's immediately really easy and really pleasurable, instantly, hey, maybe. Maybe that would be awesome. But usually there's a little bit of your edge of your comfort zone, but if you do, and that's what I've found more and more and more and more is this illusion of I'm not enough. This whole story of I am not enough. So therefore. Because there's usually always a therefore. Therefore I can't have a successful relationship, therefore I can't feel good about myself, therefore I can't have the job that I like, therefore, blah, blah, blah. And what I found is like, that whole thing is just this, like, absorbing story that distracts all of our focus, drains all of our energy from just doing that one simple thing that you were talking about, Amber.

Mm.

Which is like, well, what's the next step? And if we just do it and then consistent, then take the next one and then take the next one and then take the next one and so on and so forth and learn along the way, all of a sudden you've achieved that thing or you have that relationship or you are in that new job and your enoughness was not even really relevant, wasn't even a real thing.

And also with the social aspect of that, how do you expect to bring joy to other people's lives through a relationship if you can't pick something that is good about your life right now? So if you want to be in a relationship or have friends, usually people are drawn to people who are happy with their life as it is. And people don't expect you to be perfect in every sense of the word before they want to be friends with you or have a relationship with you.

Hmm. That's so good. That's why the way, the way I bring joy in my relationship is by telling Candace when I see her, she's changing in the bedroom or something. And I'll say, you know, you look alright, babe, but sure ain't perfect. That's what I like to sprinkle around my house. I like to do that with my children too. Like, that was pretty good. But you're definitely not as smart as you could be. Yes. No, I really appreciate you, Amber. And just the insights are really good. The conversation is very high level and extremely beneficial. And I also just really appreciate your humanness, your authenticity, your vulnerability. And I know that those are signs when I see people doing that, those are signs of actually very high level confidence. Sometimes people think confidence is just, oh, they're articulate and intelligent and can speak well. And that is a sign of confidence. But I think there's an even higher level when someone can do all that and then also just be like, I can put out there these experiences from my life and how I've learned and grown and there's a courage to that and a vulnerability with that. And it's very endearing and attractive and draws me and I know listeners in. So thank you so much for showing up and sharing with us Amber.

You're welcome. And thank you to my ex boyfriend for giving me that experience.

Yes, there you go. I love it. All right everyone, thanks for joining us today and if you are intrigued. So Amber is a coach on the team. We do have some space in her availability to work with you if you'd like to do that. And she does some one on one coaching with people through the center. She's as you can tell, a rock star. So go to our site socialconfidencecenter.com and there's a coaching tab on there and you can just go there and enter in some basics. There's also a contact me section in there you can just reach out to and I'll see the email or our director of client care will see it and just mention Amber if you're specifically interested in her or just in general you want to know about coaching because done a ton of it. Amber has learned a ton and worked with people to grow to where she is and I think it's the fastest and best way to grow. So thanks for being with us today and thank you again, Amber.

Thanks for having me.

Until we speak again, everybody. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sam.