How To Feel Like You Belong

I've discovered the biggest obstacle to creating the friendships that you want, the relationship that you want, the community that you want. And it's not what you think. It's not what most people think. And I've talked to a lot of people, helped thousands of people over the years with social anxiety, social confidence, connecting with others, creating not just initial connections, but deep lifelong relationships. And this one thing keeps getting in the way. And people think, oh, I'm not good at conversations. Oh, I'm off putting in some way I'm too shy, I'm not outgoing enough. I don't say witty things. I'm not quick enough, funny enough. My stories aren't good, boring. I don't have enough cool life experiences. Maybe I don't look right, especially when it comes to certain social groups or dating and relationships. I'm too ugly, I'm too short, I'm too tall, I'm too fat, I'm too thin, I'm too bony, I'm whatever. And we have a thousand different reasons why we can't have the connection that we want. Or maybe we put it out on the world. Oh, people are too busy these days. People don't want to have friends these days. It's so hard to make friends when you're in their 30s, your 40s, or 50s. Whatever age group you people, whatever age you are, you say it's that age, it's hard to make friends, right? None of that's the real reason. Now, I'm not saying those aren't some challenges. Maybe you do want to build your social confidence skills and know how to talk to people and stuff, but that's not the real reason. You want to know what the real reason in deep down is? You don't feel like you belong. This is something when I really drill into with people, we're doing some deep work, one on one, or my group coaching program, there's this feeling and they don't necessarily, they're not saying that it's not top of mind. But if you really observe the fear, the patterns, the pulling back, the shying away from walking into a group of people and really creating those connections, why don't I walk over to that group? Why don't I put myself out there when I'm talking to someone, share a bit more deeply as opposed to just keeping it on the surface. And all of that is not a, oh, I didn't know how we tell ourselves that. But really deep down, we fear I don't belong. And then we're operating from that place. Because if I don't belong. Why am I going to talk to those people if I don't belong? Why am I going to sit at that table? It's going to go bad, they're going to reject me, they're going to feel irritated with me, they're going to say, oh, you don't belong. Or they're going to imply it, or they're going to be polite to my face and as soon as I leave, they're going to turn into the other people and be like, that guy doesn't belong here. Right? And that's like a, a baggage that we're carrying with ourselves, usually for decades. So is this pushing on any nerves? Is this resonant? And if so, you're not alone. This is happening for truly hundreds of millions, if not billions of humans on the planet. People just do a great job of hiding it. So if you think like, oh my God, everyone else feels like they fit in. You ever been at a social. I used to have this all the time and a lot of social anxiety. If I did go to a social situation, which I tried to avoid, but let's say I did and people are chatting in groups and hanging out, I'd walk in there and it's just a feeling, right? It's not even a bunch of thoughts about it. It's just this sense of this is how it is. And it's like, I don't belong here. Everyone else does belong though, by the way. It's not like me and that guy and that loser over there. We all don't belong. It's like, no, it's just me and everybody else is like chatting and warm and fuzzy and connecting and it's all great for them. That's what I believed. And here the truth is, is that's not what's happening at all. That's a distortion of our perception because we're seeing through that lens of not belonging and sep creating separation from all these. All them are like that. And that's really never true. When we say all of them are like that. That's a gross generalization that we're making. It's a mental heuristic. That's a shortcut, that's wrong, it's a fallacy, but we believe it. And so I'm here to shatter that and say, no, it's not true. The issue is that you don't feel like you belong. But guess what, a lot of other people do as well, which is you might say, well, that's great disease. Now I, we can be alone together. No, there's a solution here. And here is the most fantastic news. Are you ready? If you made it this far in the video, you gotta be excited because you, you put the time in, you overcame the 8 second ultra add instinct that we've all created with our smartphones, and you're actually watching three minutes of this video. Yes. Go you. This is awesome. Thank you for hanging out with me. Because you're gonna learn something that's life changing right now, which is that you don't have to go on some massive side quest to belong. People are doing this in life. So if I just achieve this, if I could just get this thing, if I could just look like this, if I could just have enough recognition at work, or if I could just be pretty or popular enough, then I'd belong. And they go on these long, multi year, multi decade side quests, and I'm calling them a side quest. In case you're not a video game nerd like I was when I was young, that means a thing that you don't have to do for the, for winning the game. You can just go do that for fun, which is fine if you want to go become popular or rich or better looking great, that's another fun side quest. But to really experience that sense of belonging, you can just go straight there. It's an illusion. And that's the craziest thing. This illusion of not belonging, it comes from when we're young, we felt it, we came to some conclusions. Maybe it was very direct, like you are excluded from groups or your parents are really harsh with you or something. But now you are the one who is carrying out that program, that code, and so you can simply bypass it and act in a different way and experience a completely different result. And I personally am living proof of this. And also so many clients, hundreds of clients, it's kind of baffling at first. You're like, wait, this whole thing that I believe for all these years is not real. No, no, no. It's gotta be real. It's gotta be real, right? It's gotta be. No, it takes us a minute to really see it. So how do you bypass it? Well, there's a few different hacks. Think of it as water flowing around an obstacle. One of my favorites is this question. Are you ready? If you did belong, what would you do? So you're at a social situation. I don't know, we're shying away. I don't fit in here. I don't belong. Okay, but if you did belong, what would you do? How would you approach those people? What would you share? Would you share more openly, more authentically, more vulnerably, more courage, more directly, if you knew you belonged? Here's another bypass that I use, which is I tell myself before I go into a social situation, I belong at every table. So that could be at a work conference, a social, a mixer, a friend of a friend's house. I belong at every table. And so if I belong at every table, how do I sit down? Well, I just. What's up? Sit there. And that gives you so many things stack in your favor socially when you do that. The way you approach people is with assuming familiarity and warmth and openness and curiosity, because you're not assuming the opposite, which is they're going to be like, get away from me. You don't belong. And one other phrase that I love is that belonging is within me, and I take it everywhere I go. So these are all powerful ways to bypass that. But the most key takeaway is it's not real. You might say, well, that's great, Aziz, but what if someone says to me, I don't like you, you don't belong. That's a fact. Evidence. I've had people say that to me in the past. They're saying, I don't want to spend time with you, or, I don't like you. Maybe they're even saying we, and they're speaking for a group. And then I go somewhere else. Because you think that belonging is with one person, that if that person approves or disapproves of me, that's it. You betting it all on black at the casino? Oh, come on. Papa needs a new pair of everything. Let's go. Right? That's a scary way to live, man. You're just going to be anxious every time you interact with anybody. Are you going to determine if I belong today? I really hope it's a yes. Let's roll the dice. I'm mixing my gambling metaphors here, but you know what I'm talking about, right? No, wait. I belong. I decide. I get to choose. And I have clients that take this further. If you have a religious or spiritual growth path, and it's like, well, I belong in this universe, or I'm a child of God. We all are. Whatever the pathway is, you just seeing that it's not real, it's an illusion. And then there's a thousand ways around it. Just like water always finds its way around an obstacle, you will find your way back to belonging. When you see that the thing that's stopping you from it is just a story in your head. So I hope this serves you and you get to feel a deeper sense of belonging and all of the connection that comes from that. And if I take things further, I have a whole course on deep connection with people. It's called Social Mastery. It's Within Confidence University. You can find that on my website. It's an in depth training, deep understanding and action steps on how to really master your social life and beyond. So go to drz.com and check out products to learn more about that until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.