How To Feel More Love And Joy with Lori Cash Richards

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Azeez. That's right. You are listening to Shrink for the Shy Guy. And as he said, I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. And today we're going to be diving back into my interview with Lori. And if you haven't listened to the first half, I highly suggest that you do. We got some great feedback from people on that about how it really helped them relax and have a lot more compassion and love for themselves in ways that they maybe haven't before. So very valuable. And it's going to be a foundation for what we're going to dive into today with Lori, which is really about how to feel more love and joy in your life at the end of the day. Isn't that what we want? I want a girlfriend. Why? Well, have sex. Okay. Why? Well, at the end is I'd feel more love and joy, hopefully. Maybe you want to spend more time with people that you admire and like friends. Why? Because it would bring more love into my life. More joy. We want to feel at the root. We all want to feel more love and joy, and that's great. So we focus on the external things. How do I get that? Maybe I'll get these people to respond to me. Maybe I'll have more friends to hang out with. Maybe I'll have more women to date. And sure, getting into action is good, but sometimes we just have these blocks to letting it in. And there's tons of opportunities to connect with others, to feel more love, to feel more joy. But we're so in our heads, we're so tense, we're so nervous, we're so scared that we just can't really let it in. And Laurie is a master of helping people learn how to let in the good. In fact, that's the name of her book, Letting the Upside In. And there's a bunch of stuff in there and as well as in this interview that's going to help you really start to let in more of that love and joy. So without further ado, let's dive back into that interview with Lori right now. Expert interview. That is a fantastic story. And that last part there is really interesting. That trusting in my own instincts and then them feeling dormant or maybe not having access to them for a while. And I think a lot of us can relate to that. And let's go into that trusting ourselves. I feel like being able to be confident in the World, we can't plan it all in our heads. We think that if I rehearse something then I'll feel more secure, more confident. Maybe if you're doing a planned speech or something. But for the most part we can't rehearse a conversation. We can't rehearse what it's like to connect with someone and fall in love or to lead something in our company. We can't plan it all out. So we have to trust in ourselves. And I think for a lot of people that's it's dormant. What you were saying, they don't have access to it.

And I didn't, I think that was really true. I thought I did, but. But I didn't know there was so much more available in terms of trusting my intuition, trusting my instincts, trusting my own wisdom. And you know, it kind of comes back to everything kind of comes back in my world these days to the identification of ourselves as loving beings. Because here's what I think, here's why I love the work you do in the world. Disease. Because you know, when you and I were peer coaching, I don't really show up in the world shy. I never have, but I do on social media. And you really helped me gamify or even have fun with social media and have fun with anyone that might call me a shameless self promoter. You'll remember this, right? And you know, to say things to them like oh my gosh, if you thought that was shameless self promoting, wait till you hear what else I've done. And just to have some fun with it. But here's I think the code or the secret that allows us to show up and take risks. If we can cultivate a consciousness of loving inside of ourselves for ourselves, then we always come home to a safe place. So if we go out in the world and things don't go the way we wish they had, instead of coming home and brutalizing ourselves or bullying ourselves or beating ourselves up, if we can come home and what I mean home, I mean to our physical homes, yes, but also into the homes of our hearts. And if we can primarily see what happens out there in the world as opportunities for learning and experience ourselves through our own processes as a loving being, I think that's always the goal beneath the goal, beneath the goal. It's like what we're really after is having the experience of ourselves as ourselves.

I totally agree. And I think that in my experience to get to that home, it's not as mental as we tend to live. We want to think okay, what do I think in my brain to make that happen? My experience is, I love you said something about getting into our hearts. And it sounds metaphorical, but I think we can actually be very literal about it and actually draw our attention, our focus, our awareness of sensations, out of thinking and really into our heart, into our stomach too, is good. But that's how I found is a way to really start to find that sense of peace and home.

I absolutely love what you're saying, and I agree with you. We are kind of taught, and again, there's nothing wrong with this. To live in a mental world, to think that we have to fix things, to think that we have to think our way through things, when this extraordinary reservoir of wisdom lies deeper within us, in our hearts, even in our stomachs, even in the seat of our soul, our solar plexus, there's just incredible wisdom there. But here's what I love. I love that we stand on the shoulders of so many giants, Henry David Thoreau being one of them. And this is the quote, actually, this is the reason I wrote this book, because I think this quote kind of embodies both the mental as well as the emotional as well as the spiritual realm. So Henry David Thoreau said, as a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind to make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over again the kinds of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. Now, to tie that in with what you just said, it's like, because we've been trained to be mental, let's let that work for us, not against us, us, but let's think those kind of thoughts that take us to our heart or take us to the wisdom of our souls. I like to imagine, like a fire pole, frankly, that goes through the center of my body. And when I find myself being very mental, just sliding down that fire pole right into the center of my heart, and then asking for the wisdom that comes through and from the heart instead of through and from the mind. Because it's like. It feels to me like the most creative place to be is when the mind actually serves the heart. So we're not leaving the mind out. I love good minds. I love minds that know how to articulate, that, know how to express. That's a very valuable tool to have. But it's not everything, it's not all of it. And it's those minds that have been able to connect with the heart. That's where the real wisdom is. That's where the real genius is.

We're going to pause for just one moment right now, and then we're going to get back into that interview with author and guest expert Laurie Cash Richards. Does working with Dr. Aziz actually work? Can you really break free from social anxiety and live a life of confidence, success and happiness? Here is what one client had to say about his experience. What would I say to somebody considering coming to see Dr. Disease for a live weekend? Do it. I mean, don't stop it. It's what you need. If you're doubting it, just do it. I would definitely recommend Dr. Aziz to anyone who wants to improve their confidence and social skills. I don't think anyone else out there is offering anything like what he does, especially something that's so geared towards people who, you know, who kind of lack in the social confidence area. To get started on your journey towards lifelong confidence with Dr. Aziz, simply go to social confidencecenter.com coaching Absolutely. And as you're talking, it makes me realize something else I wanted to get your thoughts on, especially because of your focus on spiritual psychology and this life philosophy of being a divine being and having a human experience. The more I focus on my heart, the more I let go of trying to control things like control a certain outcome. I want this person to act this way or I want this result in my business and just more show up fully and boldly and see what happens. The more I realize that so much of our fear comes from what's going to happen next and is it going to be painful? And I want to control reality and everything around me to make sure that I don't feel any pain or discomfort. And as part of letting go of that, I realize that it requires trust. Trust in something, trust in myself, trust in life, trust in the universe, trust in a spiritual being or God, something. And so I want to broaden our discussion from self trust out to how do you the way you move through life. And we were talking earlier before this interview and you said something about feeling guided. So I think that would be a really interesting area to explore. This area of trusting in something beyond ourselves, allowing ourselves to be guided. And I'd love to hear how you see that in your life.

You know, it's so interesting. Another memory pops up as you say that I was at the end of my two year master's degree in spiritual psychology and I had a 75 page master's comprehensive exam that I had to drive to the University of Santa Monica and turn into a certain time on a certain day. And so I got there, I put money in the parking meter. I had about 20 minutes. I dropped the exam off and then I went and I sat in this little meditation garden that they have there. And I just closed my eyes and just said a prayer of thanks. And then I meditated for 15 or 20 minutes. And I remember right before opening my eyes, I had this like incredible feeling of wellness running through, through me. Just, well, being radiant health, radiant joy, just goodness. And I was just really enjoying this feeling. And I knew that the parking meter was going to run out. And so I thought, okay, it's time to go. Just before I opened my eyes, it's like I heard in a voice that was not my own, the following. This is all there is. And it really got my attention. And I said, wait, wait, what, what do you mean? What's the this in that statement? What do you mean? And so I kind of tracked it over the next couple of years. You know, what is the this in that statement? This is all there is. And you know, I kind of came. I can be very creative sometimes and I came up with all kinds of possibilities. But I think what it was was this feeling of joy and well, being is your natural state of being. And it's like allowing myself to be guided into that state over and over and over again every day. It's like, I think that's the real value in allowing ourselves to be guided because it's like we get to return to that place of peace and love that exists in all of us that's always there waiting for us. We think it's out in the world somewhere, but it's not. It's in our bodies if we allow ourselves to settle in there. And I love what you said too about, and this will be familiar to you because we both learned it from Steve Chandler. But that idea of trusting, hard for me, especially after my divorce, you know, challenging. And so you'll remember that Steve Chandler talked about, don't trust it, test it. And that's kind of what I live my life by now, you know, when I hear something. And Steve interviewed me a couple of weeks ago and we added a little portion to the front of that. Don't trust it, test it. It's like, trust what resonates, you know, like when something brings you alive, when something animates you and something gets your attention when you light up, trust that. But then test it and then go back to trusting it. And so it's like, resonate, test it. Trust it in that order, because I think we all have inside of us our purpose, and we all kind of search frantically outside of us for our purpose. But the way we identify our purpose is it brings us alive, it animates us, it lights us up. And then if we are willing to walk down that path of our purpose and test it, well, then automatically, you know, as Joseph Campbell says, doors start to open that just would not have been opened before. And then as we walk through those doors, then we kind of come into a kind of resonance or kind of trust with it after we've tested it.

Yeah, I love that. So instead of waiting for the trust to somehow arrive or emerge, there's an element of testing, of walking towards something that makes us feel more alive. In my experience, the stuff that makes us feel more alive also can make us feel more scared, which is good that there's energy there. That means we're outside of the familiar comfort zone.

Yes. And it's really a practice of trusting our own inner guidance system. That's really what we're testing here. We're testing our own wisdom, our own resonance with things, you know, because we are uniquely ourselves. There's. There's no carbon copies. There's no dittos anywhere. And so it's like, what will bring me alive may be very different from what will bring you alive. And that's a good thing. And so it's really a process of allowing our own inner guidance system to be our primary source of inspiration and revelation and moving forward in our lives.

I love that. And so it sounds like to get more access to that inner guidance system, things that you've referenced are slowing down and bringing our focus into our body. You mentioned meditating several times. Any other suggestions on how people can get more access to that inner guidance system and their own intuition, creativity, however.

It shows up for you? I mean, I love what you just mentioned. I think that's it. Slowing down. Meditation, prayer, for me also factors in there ongoing conversation with God or spirit or the universe. Checking in with myself regularly. How do I feel right now? Is this a yes or is this a no? And then really trusting the yes or really trusting the no, and becoming very diplomatic at saying yes or saying no when I need to say no, but meaning it when I say it, you know, really knowing that no, this doesn't bring me alive. This doesn't write me up. This isn't part of my path. This isn't it for me. And it's like saying no to what we don't want allows us to say yes to what we do want. So yeah, it's like we talked about a minute ago. It's an ongoing practice and we do stumble and we fall and we make mistakes along the way, but the more neutrally we can receive those mistakes, if you will, as simply feedback. It's like they become blessings in and of themselves.

Absolutely. I mean, that's a whole rabbit hole we could go down and let's just actually do. And we're going to wrap up in a minute here. But let's go into that real quick because this idea of mistakes I think is fascinating and let's just get your take on that. What do you think? Are there mistakes or how can we interpret things that don't go our way? I know we talked a little bit earlier about seeing the preciousness in them, but just how do you hold outcomes that you weren't expecting or didn't initially want, AKA mistakes? How do you hold that in your world?

Yeah, such a good question. You know, I think it goes back to the practice of being very gentle with myself. Let me think if I can, if an example comes forward of when, you know, something didn't go my way and I was, you know, humiliated or embarrassed or. Well, very, very recent examples coming up. I was on an airplane and because I'm a writer, I carry books with me and so my bag gets quite heavy and I always look for a teenage boy or a 20 something year old boy to help me lift my bag up into the overhead. And there's always one who's very gracious and very kind and very willing to help me. Well, I was on a flight recently and there weren't a lot of people on it, but there was a 20 something year old boy and I, he was sitting down and I said, would you mind just helping me lift this up into the overhead? And he jumped up and he said, of course not, no problem. And so we put my bag up and then I went to sit in the exit row seat and there was a flight attendant there and she looked at me and she said in a very abrupt way, you can't lift your own bag into the overhead, but you think you can open the door of this aircraft. And I was so startled and so ashamed, like shame just came over me and I immediately, you know, I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to respond. And so I just very quickly sat in the seat behind the exit row and then everybody on the aircraft was kind of looking at this woman with wide eyes because I think they were equally as shocked by her abruptness. And she said, what? It's an honest question. And I just wanted to, like, disappear. And as I sat there on the airplane, it was late at night and it was dark, and I was grateful for the dark because I really got to work with myself, and I really got to work through what is this shame that I'm feeling? And what I got to was, oh, in the past, I bought into the misunderstanding that it was wrong or even bad to ask for help. I should be able to do everything by myself, including lifting my bag up into the overhead. And so I sat there for the two hours that I was on this flight, and the first hour, I was in upset, right? And I was just wanting to judge the flight attendant, wanting to make her wrong, but realizing, oh, there's a greater opportunity here for me, and knowing full well that I was perfectly capable of opening that door if need be in the case of an emergency. And so what I ended up doing was once I got. Once I was able to be very gentle with myself and comfort that place inside of me that thought she had done something wrong by asking for help. Like, to really say, to really go into, you know, you're not 20 anymore, you're 50. There is the possibility of straining your back or hurting your back when lifting a big bag into the overhead. I just went in and was very gentle with that part of me who thought it was her job to do it all alone. And then a letter started to form inside of me, and I took out my phone, and I just, from a very neutral place, once I worked through the upset, wrote a letter to this airline telling them what had happened on this airplane. And it wasn't from a place of anger. It was from a place of, you know, I'm not sure it's in this airline's best interest if the flight attendants are treating their customers like this. And so it turned out to be, you know, a very sweet experience for me where I took care of me, and I didn't expect the world I did. It's not that I expected help, but I asked for help because I needed that help to get the bag up and into the overhead. But I didn't need help in working through my upset. It's like I have the skills, I have the consciousness where I've cultivated kindness inside of myself. So just because I felt like I was being bullied by a flight attendant, my inner bully didn't come up and start participating and start participating in the bullying, if you will, like a gentle part of me came up and said, hmm, you didn't do anything wrong here, Laurie. You ask for help, and then, you know, so what's seeking resolution here? Well, I think what was seeking resolution was the misunderstanding that I shouldn't ask for help. You know, it's like the more we're able to ask for help, the better off we actually are. And so it became this experience of something very different than it would have been a decade ago. Well, I probably would have stayed in the anger. I would have written the letter in anger and from anger. But I was able to write the letter from a place of, if this were my airline, I might want some additional training for this particular flight attendant, because there's really a way of seeing through the eyes of love, even as a flight attendant, even late at night, that really serves, frankly, the airline. And so the next morning, this particular airline made it very easy to give feedback. And so for the last couple of weeks, I've been in communication with them about what happened and how to resolve it. And I don't want anything from the airline. I got what I came for, which is to experience myself as a loving being, having a human experience whose primary orientation is learning. What can I learn from this? How can I be with myself in this experience where I'm actually in my kindness, in my loving, in my gentleness, first toward myself, and then it radiates out to everybody else, especially this flight attendant.

That's powerful, Laurie. I really appreciate that story. And there's so many good clues and guidance there about how to deal with mistakes, how to hold them in, learning how to hold ourselves with gentleness, how to work with the parts of ourselves that get scared or cause us to feel shame trying to make ourselves perfect. I mean, there's so much good stuff in there, and I really appreciate that little. I'm so glad I asked that last question. And I also want to ask, as we get to the end of our time here in the interview, first things first. How can people find out more about you, your book? How can people order your book? Get it? I would highly recommend people read it. It's fantastic. As well as maybe even work with you or have you speak in their organizations.

Well, thank you, Aziz. My book, Letting the Upside in, is available on Amazon.com in both paperback and Kindle formats. And then I would just welcome anyone who is interested to go right to my website, lorikashrichards.com, l O R I C A S H R I C H a r d s.com and all of My contact information is there.

Awesome. And I just had a thought that came to my mind. I was like, you got the Kindle, you got the paperback. When do we get to hear an audio version read by the author?

It's coming. Thank you for asking. It's coming. It's so interesting because people who know me, who have read my book, one of my favorite feedback that I've gotten from those that know me is reading your book is like being in conversation with you. And I thought, oh, wouldn't it be fun to do an audio? Because then it might feel even more like we're in a conversation. And I think conversations heal the world. I think really, that's where most of what happens in the world lies, in conversations. And so I'm so grateful that my book is being received that way as a conversation that the reader has with the writer and then an ongoing conversation the reader has with himself or herself.

That's awesome. And this conversation has been really fantastic and healing as well. I've learned a ton. And I think that anyone listening, there's a lot of gems to pick up and just apply in all of our lives. So thanks again, Laurie, for joining us on the show. And we'll have links below for her site as well and to the Amazon book directly at shrinkforthshyguy.com, which is where all the show notes are and stuff for this episode. But it's awesome to have you on, Laurie, and can't wait to hear the audio version of your book.

Oh, you are a gem, Aziz. It doesn't surprise me at all that you recognize gems, because it takes one to know one. And so I just. Thank you so much.

That brings us to the end of the interview and to the beginning of your action step. Time for action. Your action step for this week is going to be a little less tangible. It's going to be an intangible, if you will. And that is to take what you learned today and use it, whatever tool or technique or idea or philosophy that you picked up today from the interview or anywhere else in your life, to go from your head to your heart, to spend more of the day, of your time, of your week in your heart. And maybe before you listen to my conversation with Laurie, you might be like, what the hell is he talking about? But now, hopefully, you have more of an idea, really, how to bring your awareness into your body, to really reside more in your heart, to go, as Laurie said, back to home, which is where you are right now. And the more you can do that, it's kind of maybe a little vague or philosophical, but if you can do it, if you can just let go of that analytical left brain, that's like, how what are the four steps? This is stupid. If you can just let that part go and just relax into your body, into your heart, just be guided more by your intuition this week, you just might find that you feel more at peace, more confident, you know what to say. More things go more in your favor. Because in my perspective, when we're more in our bodies and in our hearts, we're more in the flow of life. And when we're going with the current, it's a heck of a lot easier than trying to figure it all out with our heads and push against the current. So that's your action step for today. Go ahead and apply that this week and keep rocking, Keep building. You can do this. You can break free of any level of shyness or social anxiety that you're feeling. You can always improve your confidence. And if you have moderate confidence in an area and you want to get to extraordinary, you can do that too. You just got to keep applying these principles. So it's been awesome to be with you today, and I look forward to speaking with you in the future. Until we do, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to Social Confidence center dot com.