How To Gain Confidence - Stop Being So Nice

Are you a nice guy? You know, an accommodating, friendly, agreeable, non offensive, polite nice guy? How's that working out for you? How do you feel when it comes to your confidence in your life? How do you feel when it comes to being able to date women and pursue relationships? How do you feel in your work? How is that strategy in general working in your life? For me and for a lot of the people I've worked with, not very well. I mean, it doesn't pay out. You, you can't assert yourself, you can't stand up for yourself, you don't get what you want, you're just kind of floating through life. And the biggest challenge with that is like, well, what am I supposed to just be a jerk? I'm supposed to be, you know, an asshole and just criticize people? And well, that's the other end of the spectrum. That's thinking in black and white. It's either A or B. The reality is there's aspects of the nice guy that are really not serving you. What are some of these things? Because underneath the nice guy is a fear of confronting people, a fear of conflict, a fear of assertion, a fear of stating what you want and what if other people don't want it? Ultimately, it's a fear of not being loved. And so you spend your life trying to please people, accommodate them, get, give them what they want. I mean, I even went so far as a nice guy to anticipate what I think they would want and give it to them even before they could ask. I mean, I had it down to a science. I was damn good at it. And you know what people would say about me? Oh, it was ease, he's nice, he's so nice. What a nice guy. You know, I don't want to just be a nice guy. I wanted to be the most nice guy in the world. In fact, think about that though, when it comes to dating and relationships. Let's say I was going to introduce you to a woman and you said, tell me about her. And I said, well, she is brown hair, she's bright eyes, she's beautiful, she's vivacious, she's alive, she's intelligent, she's effective in the world, she's incredible, right? Would you want to meet her? Of course, you'd be saying yes, yes, give me your number. I said, well, how about imagine, contrast it with this. So you told me you have a woman to introduce me with, right? I said, yes, yes. Well, tell me about her. Well, she's got brown hair, she's got Bright eyes. She's, she's just, she's really, she's really nice, you know, she's just really nice. You'd be like, uh, yeah, how about the other one? I'm gonna take her. And that's how it was for me. So while if I. That's how I knew how to relate to people, it was not working when it came to dating and relationships. It wasn't working when it came to my career, it wasn't working to my social life. I was kind of a doormat. And here's the thing about the nice guys. You're trying to get approval from everyone else. You're trying to please everyone else because you have the underlying idea that if I can make everything smooth and make sure that everyone likes me and everyone gets along, then my life's going to go great. Then I'm going to get what I want in the world because that's what's rewarded. Nice guys are rewarded. And you've all heard the phrase in the Green Day song, nice guys finish last. In a lot of ways, that's true. And here's why. Because if you're a nice guy, you're not prioritizing yourself. In fact, you think it's selfish and wrong to put yourself first. And so what you're doing is you're putting other people first. And you think you're being selfless, you think you're being good and righteous, but in reality you're self denying. You're putting other people's needs and values above your own. Which sure, in a short term crisis setting, you know someone's got to go to the hospital and you'll drive them, great. But day in and day out, no matter what, your co worker, your boss, your friend, your wife, your girlfriend, your partner, anyone's like, sure thing, okay, yes, whatever you want. Yes, yes, yes. How long can you sustain that? And for me, I could sustain it for years. But inside I felt terrible, felt torn up inside because I wasn't standing up for myself. I wasn't being who I'm meant to be. I couldn't say no to people and I just took more and more on. So it just really accumulates and doesn't work for you. And honestly, another reason why it doesn't work with women so is people can feel it. People feel when you're like, like me, please. You know, they feel that energy and it's repulsive to people. I hate to say this, you know, it's attraction or repulsion, you know, magnets, you hold two together and they Come together or they pop apart. That is a component of repulsion, is when you first meet someone and you are desperate for their approval. You have every fiber in your being wants them to like you so much, and you're just going to do or say whatever to get it. They feel it and they don't like it because underneath it's dishonest because you're not being you. You're not saying who you really are. You're not saying what you really believe. You're not responding in a way that's authentic to you. And people, especially women, have high BS detectors. And they're going to notice that and they're going to see that. And so you have to learn how to shift that. So I'm going to share a few tips in this video right now about how you can start shifting it today. On a surface level. If you want to go much deeper and learn how to break free of it on a core level, then you have to check out my book, the Solution to Social Anxiety, or my program, Confidence Unleashed, in which we go much deeper on how to break free of that and own your social strength and own your social power. But here are some few basic tips that you can use just to start shifting that pattern. And it's kind of like breaking you in. So the first thing you want to do is you want to pay close attention to your body language because so much of your nice guyness is being expressed in your body language. So the first thing you have to do is notice how much you smile, especially when you're meeting someone new, meeting someone who you think is important or cool or powerful, or meeting a woman that you're attracted to, a beautiful woman. Across the board, what I've seen is guys will smile a lot and they'll laugh, they'll chuckle a lot. Like, not real laughter, but like, you know, or she'll say something, you know, it's not even that funny, and they'll be like, ha, ha, ha ha. And then you're just over the top because you're. You're just trying, like, well, if I laugh at what you say, then you're going to like me. And you've seen the typical example of this in like the corporate boardroom where the executive laughs and all the underlings are like, ha, ha ha. That's the first thing you want to shift. And one way to do that is to just consciously train yourself to smile a little bit less. Now, I don't mean you have to mean mug everyone and never smile. What I mean is that Notice what your impulse is. Someone, you know gives you a grin and you go, just see if you can just give them a slight smile. Or someone looks at you, and if your natural impulse is to immediately smile, like, hey, everything's okay, you know, like primates, it's like a gesture of no harm or no threat is to go. So if you do that, practice just looking at people and not smiling. I mean, if you want to just play around with, you can even take it further. Someone smiles a little bit at you and you don't know them, just look back. That may feel really uncomfortable. Oh, my God, I'm going to hurt their feelings. They're going to think I don't like them. This is part of your training because eventually when it comes to meeting that woman, every part of you is going to want to smile. If you haven't trained yourself, she says something and you just. And you just don't smile back. And that's a way to build up that strength so that you're more assertive. You're more able to break free of that pattern of being overly smiling. Next thing you got to be able to do is hold eye contact. A big, nice guy thing is not being able to make eye contact. Because if I make eye contact too long, I'm going to offend them. They're going to think, you know, if it's a woman, she's going to think I'm hitting on them. If it's a guy, he's going to think I want to fight him. And so you try to remain no threat. But again, it's all about being a little bit of a threat, really stepping up and not being a nice guy. So just maintain eye contact with people. Practice. You can build this up. And I go way deeper into this. In the confidence code where I talk about the nine elements of social mastery, we can just practice holding eye contact with people. And I go more in depth on how to do that. But you can just apply it right now. Just hold eye contact with people longer, progressively in your life. The last thing that I want to share about body language is pay attention to your movements. I found that when I was in nice guy mode, I would do a lot of, like, quick kind of freaking out movements. I'd like, move something really quick, or I'd kind of rub my hand through my hair, bite my nails, and just pay attention to that stuff and just slowly start eliminating it. You know, you want to make your movements clear and deliberate. You know, when I first started learning this, I actually moved a little slower on purpose so I could just move clearly and deliberately, you know, in fact, just look at this body language alone. If I was to do, you know, two 10 second demonstrations. Here's one. Okay, ready? Hey everyone, how's it going? My name is Dr. Aziz and I'm here to talk to you about confidence. Right? Versus this. Hey everyone, I'm Dr. Aziz and I'm here to talk with you about confidence. Because it's one of the most important things that you're going to learn, right? So you notice how when you slow down your body language a little bit, it becomes more deliberate and you just look and feel more confident. And I know these things are external stuff, but if you behave this way, it starts to shift, shift your internal state and you can start to become less of a nice guy. So those are the most overt nice guy patterns of body language. There's so much more to do with this, as I said. Check out my book, the Solution of Social Anxiety. Check out any of my programs, and we will go in depth into the nice guy thing and how to break that pattern. Because as long as you're living this, you're not going to get what you want. So go ahead and apply this stuff. Get a program if you want to go deeper. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you really are. Not that nice guy, but all of you, the deeper part of you. Be that guy. I'll talk to you soon. Take care.