How To Get What You Want...Without Being Pushy

There are two key mistakes that you might be making right now that make it very hard for you to get what you want. And I want to share in this video what those mistakes are and what you can do instead. What you can do right now to radically increase the rate at what you get what you want in life. Because as a nice person, you might have found that it's hard to get what you want. You're often overlooked. You might feel dissatisfied in your close relationships, your intimate relationships as at work. It might feel like people don't care about you. It might feel like you are a doormat or people walk all over you, or they take you for granted. And you might think it's because there's something wrong with me. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's that you're not asking effectively. And there's two key reasons why. And I share them with you right now. The first reason is you have an internal dial that's turned way too far down. And that dial is what you might call selfishness. Now, I know selfish is a dirty word and, and the nice person is never going to be this horrible selfish person. But nice people have a misconception where they think that selfishness is a light switch. It's either off or it's on. You either are selfish and you're bad, or you're selfless and you're great. No, it's actually a spectrum. And think of it as a knob or a dial. And if the dial is turned all the way down, that's not healthy. That's actually called self denying in which you don't even think that your needs matter. You think you're bad for having desires and needs and therefore you have to keep them hidden and pretend like you don't have them. Now, on the other side, you turn the dial all the way up. Sure, that could be problematic if you're like, look, I don't care about anybody. I'm just going to stomp on faces till I get what I want. Sure, that's problematic too. But guess what? That's not what you're doing as a nice person. You're way too far down. And so you got to bring yourself up to the healthy middle level of what's called self interest. And that is becoming more selfish up on the dial to the healthy range. This means you start by asking yourself, what do I want? What do I want with my partner? What do I want on a Saturday? What do I want at work? What do I want in this meeting? What do I want from this Situation, what do I want? And at first, for the nice people I work with, this kind of feels a little selfish. Something bad's gonna happen. The referee is gonna jump out of the bushes and say, whoop, bad, bad. You're being bad. But guess what? None of that happens. And you need to start doing this in order to be able to ask for what you want. Because you can't ask for what you want if you don't even let yourself know what you want. So it's. The first mistake is keeping that selfish dial way too low. You got to turn that up. And the best way to do that is to remind yourself it's okay to want things. It's okay to have needs. I do have needs, and those matter. And as you start to enforce that in your mind, you'll start what you really want. Okay, that's the first mistake we got to change. The second one is, even if you do know what you want, let's say you've discovered that you let yourself be a little more selfish. The problem is you are not asking directly. And you might say, no, no, no, I totally am. And I see this all the time when I work with clients. They really feel like they are. And then we get in there and say, okay, tell me what you said. Tell me how you said it exactly, just what happened. And what I'll find out is they did not ask. It felt like they were asking, but actually what you were doing is you were doing a more passive approach. And I talk about this in my new book called Less Nice, more you, that just came out recently, where I have your assertiveness map, and it helps you see if you're being more passive, more assertive, or more aggressive, and really breaks it down into nine different levels. You can see exactly where you're at. And what I find is most nice people are hovering at level 2, which is pretty close to the bottom, right? It's 1 through 9. The bottom one is the most passive. Most people are at 2, which is that you hint at what you want. I'm going to give a little hint. Oh, it would sure be nice if we did that thing. Oh, someone's. Hey, can you take care of this thing at work? Well, I do have a lot going on. I. I'm hinting that I don't want to do it. I'm hinting that I want to go to this thing with you on Saturday. And the other person either doesn't pick up the hint or the hint is too weak. And they're kind of like, yeah, but I really want it. So I'm just going to keep pushing for what I want. And as a nice person, we're like, okay, that's fine, that's fine. I mean, I was already pretty pushy there. So the biggest problem is that nice people are not being pushy enough. And actually it's going to feel very pushy for you. So here's another dial for you. Right here's passively never asking for what you want. And here's saying, shut up and do what I say. And you know, Darth Vader choke gripping them until they give you what you want. That's on the nut level. Nine. That's too aggressive. But there's this beautiful happy medium of assertiveness where you don't just hint at what you want, you say what you want. Direct and true. And this applies to workplace situations, romantic life, dating. Hey, I would love to spend time with you on Saturday. Are you free? Hey, can you take care of that thing at work? You know, actually I have a lot on my plate. I'm not gonna be able to get to that, but I'd like to do it for you by next Thursday. How does that work for you? Do you see how direct I'm being? And the reason we don't do it is because it's vulnerable. It's scary to ask for what you want directly. But that's the kind courage you need to break out of the cage of niceness and fully live as yourself. And again, if you want more fuel, more guidance, more specific actions, check out my brand new book, Less Nice, More. You can get it on Audible Kindle paperback. Read that, it's a free.