How To Give And Receive Compliments

How are you when it comes to compliments? Do you get nervous or awkward when someone gives you one? Do you freely share compliments with others or do you hold back and keep them inside? What would it be like if you could feel joy at receiving a compliment and love and appreciation as you give compliments to others? That's exactly what you're going to discover how to do in today's episode.

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today is a big one because it's about compliments. And compliments is something that many people struggle with on some level. They might have gotten to the point where they can. We can look okay on the outside. I know I got to there at one point where someone would give me a compliment, and I learned to just say thank you and not, you know, squirm around and get really awkward and uncomfortable. Although I've been there, too, so a lot of people have learned to do that. But there's something deeper than that. There's a way to actually receive the compliment and take it in. And a lot of people, most people inhibit themselves when it comes to giving genuine, heartfelt compliments, really acknowledging the good in the people around them. And it doesn't mean we don't feel it. It doesn't mean we don't like or love the people that are around us. We just don't say it. And if pressed, we might just say, well, they know. They know I like them. They know I love them. So if you're in any of those situations, or if compliments are like the plague and you try to avoid them and you flee the room when someone gives you one, or you never tell other people what you feel, then this show is gonna be exceedingly important for you, wherever you are. We can all get better and more free when it comes to giving and receiving compliments. So let's dive into that now and really hope to free things up for you. So, first of all, why are compliments incredibly important? You might be thinking, what's the big deal? Who cares if I do compliments or not? But here's why they're so incredibly important. They are very connecting, extremely bonding. If you can give someone a compliment and they can receive it, you are connected to them in a new way. Whether it's a woman that you're interested in dating or your girlfriend or your partner, they can never get enough Compliments, by the way, or just a colleague or a friend, someone you just met. If you can do that, it's incredibly bonding. It's like a social glue that connects us to other people. I mean, haven't you ever experienced this? Or someone compliments you and you let it in and it feels really good, doesn't it? And ultimately why compliments are so important is because I'm saying bonding and connection and all that stuff, you know, what it's really ultimately about is love. A compliment is a little unit of love that's being transmitted even if you don't know the person you know, Saying you love someone you don't know freaks you out. Just maybe like, or affection or positive regard. But I like the word love because, hey, that's what we're kind of here to do, right? Is try to expand our capacity to give and receive love. So it's a unit of love. And the more you can exchange those units, the better you feel, the more open you are, the better your life is. And the more you draw to you. If you're freely expressive and able to love others, then you're going to feel more love in your life. You're going to draw more people who love you into your life, whether you want friendships, connections for your business or career, or a partner, someone that's gonna be there in your life day in and day out. So that's why compliments are so important. Let's dive into now the blocks to receiving compliments. Because we gotta remove these. If we don't remove these, I mean, we jump into how to give them and how to receive them, it's not gonna work because right now you might have some blocks that are stopping you from being able to receive compliments or give compliments. So let's look at some of those blocks. What are the blocks to receiving compliments? One of the biggest ones is it conflicts with your self image. It conflicts with your self image. So oftentimes we see ourselves worse than, than we really are. And if you're struggling with confidence in any way, then that's absolutely happening, 100% guaranteed. You are seeing yourself worse than you are. And if it's really bad, then you see yourself really distortedly, really poor. Like, I'm a total loser, I suck. And if it's not so bad, maybe your confidence is a little better. Then you just are like, yeah, you know, I'm all right, I'm not so great. And so you're still seeing yourself as less than you are. So when someone gives you a Compliment. They are seeing the good in you. They are seeing the greatness in you, and they are sharing that with you. They're saying, wow, you did a really great job. That was an amazing presentation. Or, wow, you look really great in that shirt. And if that conflicts with how you see yourself, that presentation wasn't that great. I messed up a few times. Or this shirt, man, this shirt. I look all weird and this shirt makes me look small and flabby or whatever your criticisms of yourself are. So it conflicts with that. And so we block the compliment from coming in. And why we do that is a whole fascinating, deep discussion about our identity and our self concept and how we will do anything to maintain that, even if it's horribly negative. Which is why, as part of freeing yourself, you have to shift your self concept. You have to start to see yourself in a better light. But that's a whole other rabbit hole we could go down. The other reason that we block compliments is because of something that I call excessive humbleness. And I've seen this a lot in myself and in clients that I work with. There's an excessive humbleness, not like a good kind of healthy humbleness. Like, you know, I'm just, you know, I can't control everything in this world and stuff's out of my control and there's a higher power or there's things beyond me that I'm just going to serve or whatever. Maybe that's a healthy humbleness. I'm talking about excessive humbleness, which is like this fear of seeming egotistical. Like, oh, no, I don't want to say that about myself. Oh, no, I'm just a lowly person. I'm not great. I can't. I'm not this. And it's this really squirmy thing that happens where we don't want to, you know, we're afraid of being egotistical and man, ugh, barf. Just let that one go. Just let yourself be great, because you are. Let it in. We'll get into how to break free of these and how to take compliments and give them in a moment. But I couldn't help myself. I just had this revolting feeling around that one, having been stuck in it for so long myself. And just. No, man, just let yourself be great. Okay, what about blocks to giving compliments? Well, there's many, but the first few that came to my mind are. One is that we're afraid we're going to be rejected. We're afraid our compliments going to be rejected. Like the person's going to not like it or not like us for saying it. Like, get away from me, creep. So that's a big one. We're scared of being rejected. Another one is we're afraid that we're going to make them feel uncomfortable. Because if we're squirmy and uncomfortable around taking compliments, receiving compliments, then we might assume that other people are gonna feel just as uncomfortable. So there's a million reasons why you might think about that for yourself. Why do I block myself from giving and receiving compliments? That's a valuable inquiry to do. Let's take a quick break right now and when we get back, we're gonna learn. We're gonna get a great question from a listener exactly about this topic and we're going to learn how to give compliments openly, share how to receive compliments and take them in and a few other things there as well. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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So, so how do I, how do I, how do I talk to her? Today's question comes from a fella named Tee. Probably not his real name, but that's anonymity there for you. What are your thoughts on telling a girl you think she's beautiful when asking her out? I have a few sisters and they think it's too over the top and will make a girl feel pressured and uncomfortable. They think something more low key like I noticed you says the same thing but without being so heavy. Then again, they're talking to their brother and might be thinking of what they're comfortable thinking of me saying, not what they would like from another guy. Thanks for your thoughts. So that's a great question and I'm sure a lot of people listening have that question as well. How direct how much to compliment a woman when you first meet her? And my thinking on that is you can do anything really. I used to nod. I used to be really scared to do that. And then I just got tired of like pickup artist, indirect Stuff like, hey, ladies, I have a question. A friend of mine is dating a woman and it's just like some made up script thing and I just got more and more direct and for me that started to work because I really just owned it. Let me answer this question first. I think it's great to compliment a woman when you're first meeting her and when you're asking her out. And now I don't know if your sisters are imagining it being done in some over the top, uncomfortable way, such as you look at her and you have this long pause and you say, wow, you are so beautiful. I mean, do you want to go out with me? I mean, yeah, that's going to probably freak her out a little bit. It's a little intense. Wait until, wait until it's really on. So that's too much. But we can be a lot more casual and warm at the same time. So you go up and talk to her and you might start with, yeah, I noticed you, or something like that. And then as you're talking, the conversation's going back and forth. You can say something like, wow, you have a really beautiful smile. And then just smile at her for a second and pause for just a second and then move on to something else. So tell me about that race you're going to run. So you redirect the conversation. See what I'm saying? You can put a compliment in there that's really genuine, really sweet, really warm, and you don't have to linger there if you're worried about it being too much. And at the same time, this way we're not holding back. And I've started conversations with women by saying, wow, you have incredibly beautiful eyes. I wanted to come meet you. And I mean, this is really powerful stuff. And not everyone has to do this, but for me it was like, how would I be if I was fully confident in myself, if I fully didn't care about being rejected as long as I was just showing up as myself and that's what I wanted to do. So you got to ask yourself that question as well. T is if I was fully confident and I didn't care about getting rejected and I was just going to be fully expressive, fully bold, fully me, what would my style be, what would I say? And then go with that. And overall, I think it's a great thing to do. It helps her feel at ease, makes her feel good about herself, and it's really a high confidence move to compliment a woman. So keep on rocking, my friend. That's my thoughts on your Question. How do I talk to her?

Talk to her.

So let's go into how to give compliments and how to receive compliments. Let's really tackle this thing. So first of all, how to give compliments, let's start with that one is just openly share. When stuff comes to your mind, just take the risk and say it. Really the biggest obstacle to giving compliments is just the risk. We got to jump over that fear of they're not going to like it. And one of the best ways to jump over the fear of they're not going to like it is just start doing it. Just start giving compliments more and they don't have to be huge. Just little things like, that's a cool watch. I like your bag. Nice shirt. Oh, you got a haircut. Looks really good, right? So you can do little things like that with people that are already around you in your life. You can walk down a street and do what I call a drive by compliment, which I talk a lot about in my program 30 days to dating Mastery, where you just walk down the street and you compliment people on little things and you get over that fear once and for all so you can just be free. And then it's really amazing. I had a good friend of mine who always was just complimenting people in that way and people loved him because it just came across as so genuine. It was just part of who he was. And so practice. This, this is the way to do it. There's really no wrong way. It's just getting over the fear. The only challenge is, is if we're really uncomfortable around doing it, then when we communicate it, remember it's a unit of love, right? So as with any love, the more we constrict and sort of only partially give it, the less we get back and the less the transmission is received, the less good the person feels. So just fully own it. And if you're not able to do that yet, start practicing. And that's okay. The first few might be a little restricted and then you'll get over it real quick. So that's how to give compliments. How to receive compliments. Well, first things first. External is important. Even if you're internally uncomfortable with it, the first thing you gotta do is just say thank you. That's it, Take it in. Thank you. Wow, you look really good today. Thank you. You did a really good job on that report. Thank you. I mean, that's it, really simple. Just take it in, say thank you. Smile, smile and say thank you. That's the external part. And then you can work on the internal part, because some part of you inside might be like, no, not really. So here's things to resist. Don't take the compliment away from them. Don't shit on their gift, to put it directly, to put it bluntly. So a compliment is a gift. It's a unit of love, Right? So when they say, great job on that report, they're in some way saying, hey, I love you, or, I like you. And if you say, no, it wasn't that great, what is that doing to their gift? That's right. It's shitting on it. So let's don't do that. Resist the urge to distort their reality to fit a negative perception of yourself. Oh, it wasn't that good. I messed up or whatever. Ugh. No, just say thank you. And you got to deal with that stuff inside of your own body, your own head. Like, you don't want to discount the compliments. That's definitely something you don't want to do. It's not about being humble and, oh, I'm not so great. Just thank you. Yeah, awesome, right? So if you do want to say something, you can say something about it that you're proud of or where you got it. If they're complimenting, like, nice watch. Oh, thanks. Yeah, I got it at such and such. Or great job on that presentation. Oh, thanks. Yeah, I really prepped for it. Or, you know, I. It was pretty spontaneous. I prepped a little, but I really just wanted to keep it open so you can say something about your experience of it. But do you see how those are not discounting it? Right. I hope you're getting that distinction. So, you know, another thing you can do, which is what I love to do, especially if you're getting a compliment from someone that you know, is ask them to tell you more. Whoa. I know. Bold, right? Risky. So this happens a lot with my wife, where she'll say kind of out of nowhere, like, aziz, you're amazing, or I love you, or something like that. And I can tell she's thinking of something specific that's making her say that. And I'll say, oh, thank you. Step one, thank you. I'm so curious. What are you thinking of when you say that? And then she smiles and she has to think about it. She's like, well, you did. And you get more specific. And the reason that's so powerful is it's incredibly healing to you to really learn what people see in you. The good in you, the great in you. Because as I Said before, people see us better than we see ourselves often, right? So we always want to be expanding and growing our self concept to include the good that other people can see in us that we can't quite see in ourselves. So that's, I mean that's a high level move. You don't have to do that. If someone's like great. You could though someone's like, great presentation. Oh, thanks. What did you like about it? I mean, these are powerful things. Not only does the person then get to express more of their love, more of their appreciation, but you also get to learn a lot more about what's great in you. So it improves your self concept, improves your self esteem. So that's a win, win, win. It's an amazing thing to do with compliments. So that's like a high level move on how to receive compliments that I don't think I've ever shared before. So hey, bonus to you. So let's dive into putting this into practice because you can get all the theory in the world, but you gotta take action to transform your life. So let's jump into your action step.

Time for action.

Your action step for today is to give three compliments today. Do it. Give three today. Get out there and you know little things, even with strangers. Nice, nice jacket. Whatever. Something small. And if something gets in the way, like I've done this with people and they're like, no, there's, there's nothing I could genuinely compliment on. I'd only be making something up. Dude, that is just some weird excuse. That is just you being afraid of rejection. There's plenty of stuff you can compliment on. And I mean, if you can't find anything that you like about anyone, then something's really tight and constricted inside you. Something's going on and it's really just fear is all it is. So just breathe into that fear. Send it love. Send yourself some love. Relax yourself a little bit and say, it's okay, it's safe. It's safe to give these compliments and get out there and give three of them today. And if someone gives you a compliment, the next time someone gives you a compliment, which may or may not happen today, although something interesting happens when you start to give, you might start to receive more. Hey, how about that? So when someone gives you a compliment, say what are you gonna say? That's right, thank you. And you're gonna smile, take it in. So that is your action step for today. Thank you so much for listening. It's been great to speak with you today. If you'd like to learn more, check out the website@socialconfidencecenter.com youm can also go to facebook.com Social Confidence Center. All kinds of new stuff being posted there. You can like the page and be abreast of updates, etc. So great to talk with you today. I look forward to more. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

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