How To Greet People With Confidence

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the shy guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz. Hey, welcome to today's show. Today, there's no guest. It's just you and me. And we're gonna have some time to dive into something which I think is incredibly important. A number of the clients that I've worked with individually have struggled in this area, and it's affected their confidence in a lot of ways. And this area is in greeting people and its flip side, which is saying goodbye. And it seems like a small thing, right? It only takes three, four or five seconds to do it, but it can set the stage for everything, for how you feel the rest of that night. If you're going to a social event or how people see you and respond to you, how confident you feel about yourself, what messages it communicates to your subconscious about who you are and how confident of a person you are. So much comes out of being able to have confident, impactful greetings with people. So we're going to dive deep into that topic. You're going to learn so much. It's going to help you immediately in your life to start having more and more positive social interactions. If you'd like to share about some of those experiences that you've been having from listening to this show, then by all means, call the studio hotline at 206-338-3176 or go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and you can leave me a message there. You can send a voicemail, you can send me an email. I love hearing about your progress, your successes, your challenges, what you'd like me to focus on, and future episodes. I really love the feedback I've been getting. So let's jump into how to greet people with confidence. So how do you greet people right now? Actually, before we go any further, what is your current style, your current mo? Think about that. There's different areas, right? You could be greeting strangers, someone that you just met, that you were introduced to. It could be someone that you've met once or twice and you're meeting them for a second time or a third time. Maybe it's someone that you see regularly, a co worker, a colleague. How do you greet people typically right now in your life? Just pay attention. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing or there's a right way to do it or wrong way. This is just something to notice. Do my greetings seem confident or not confident? Are they Warm or are they kind of more cold or distant? How do I do it? Right now? That awareness is really going to help you. Interesting. Do you like how you greet people? Does it feel natural to you or you feel like you're being yourself? Would you want to be able to do anything different? Ooh, here's a great question. Is there anyone that you've seen greet people that you like? You're like, oh, I wish I could do what that guy does. He looks so cool or casual or confident man. I want to do what he's doing. Think about that for a minute. Why is this important in the first place? Right? What's the importance of a confident greeting? It only lasts, like, three seconds. What's interesting is, even though it's just really short, it sets the stage for the entire interaction, and it communicates powerful things to yourself and the other person about your own confidence level. Because if you can make an impact in a greeting, it can last for the entire conversation and maybe even for months. You can make a very powerful impression on someone when you greet them. And when you're free to greet people in the way that you want to, it just feels good and starts to boost your own confidence. And we're going to get into it in a minute. What exactly is a confident greeting, and what are the components of it and how to bring more of that out? But in the moment, let's ask this question. What stops you from having confident greetings right now? What gets in the way? What blocks you from just being comfortable with people and interacting with them, starting the conversation or interacting and greeting them in a way that you'd like to. What gets in the way? What are some of the fears? One of the most common fears, which is kind of the most common social fear in general, is, guess what? It's the R word. That's right. Rejection. We're afraid of getting rejected. You might say, wait a minute, Aziz, we're afraid. I mean, I can understand asking someone out or trying to get a meetup or a sale or something like that. They could reject me, but they're gonna reject me just from greeting them. Are you sure? And yes, I am sure, because I lived in that place for years myself where I was uncomfortable around greeting people. Now, rejection is not necessarily always wholesale. Get away from me, you loser. We can be attuned and sensitive to even more subtle social rejection, right? So you greet someone and you're kind of enthusiastic, like, hey, how's it going? And they give you sort of a strange look or they kind of furrow their brow and look to their friend like, what's up with this guy? Or they roll their eyes, or they're just kind of cold in response. Whatever. Any of those things can feel like a rejection. And if you haven't done the work on that stuff, then you might take it personally and you might say, ugh, I'm a loser. I shouldn't have done that because this person didn't like that. And if you have a lot of fears and stuckness around that, then you've got to get my book, the Solution to Social Anxiety that will help you break free of that, or one of my programs on the website, something to help you shift out of that, or even just go back and listen to a bunch of these podcasts and you're going to find a way how to break free of that. Oh, my God, I can't do anything that anyone's going to dislike. But that's what's behind our inhibited greetings, our minimal greetings, our distant greetings, our ultimately ineffective greetings. Because an effective greeting is one in which the other person feels something, and I'm going to get into that in a minute. But they feel something positive, and it's because of how you showed up and what you did. So the main thing that gets in the way of having confident greetings is that fear of rejection, fear of doing something that someone else is going to not approve of. And this might have become a pattern for so long that it just feels comfortable, feels familiar. And doing something else, like greeting more enthusiastically or with more energy, feels foreign and uncomfortable. And then you might say, no, that's just not me. I know who I. I don't do that sort of thing. I'm not all showy like that. And I always like to challenge people in that situation because I'm like, how do you know it's not you? How do you know that the quote you. That you think you are, how do you know that's just not a collection of things that you do because you're comfortable, because you're afraid of getting rejected. And that's an interesting question. So we're going to get, in a minute, we're going to get into what are the components of a confident greeting? And I want you to just listen with an open ear, take it in. And even if part of you is like, oh, I couldn't do that, or I wouldn't want to do that, that's fine. Just let that resistance be there. Maybe it's serving you in some way. But also, see if you can find a deeper truth that you really want to be more free. Then if you were totally free and no one was going to reject you, how would you greet people? And that's what we're going to explore. And we're going to get into the nuts and bolts of what is a confident greeting. How to make the best impression that you can and also how to make incredible exits so people will remember you after you leave. So we're going to jump into that right after this. Are you tired of feeling stuck in shyness? Do fear and self doubt stop you from being social or outgoing or. Overcoming social anxiety is possible, but it Requires action. Join Dr. Aziz in an eight week video training program that will teach you exactly how to unleash your confidence. Go to confidenceunleashednow.com so how do we create outstanding confident greetings? The first component is be first, be first. Because what we do from our place of afraid of rejection, it's, well, I don't want to reach out to them because they might not want to reach out to me. They might not like me, they might think my greeting is weird or I'm weird. So we wait for them to come greet us and then we're like, okay, now they've shown that they like me enough that I'm willing to engage with them. But that doesn't work for a confident greeting. Because if you want to know what is the essence of a confident greeting, if you could distill it down to one thing, it's not all the particulars I'm going to get into about the eye contact and this and that and be first and all. Those are all the mechanics of it. But if you want to just distill it down to its core element, like what is a confident greeting? It is a greeting that does one thing, it produces a certain result in the other person. It has an effect on the person that you're greeting. And that effect is it communicates two things. Are you ready? If you're taking notes, this is a good thing to write down. You want to communicate. You want them to feel like you like them, that they're approved of. I know this might seem basic, but it's powerful. Even people who don't consider themselves anxious or shy or I have social fears or I have challenged with confidence. Even people who think they're, quote, fine and normal, they, like all human beings on this planet, want to feel accepted and approved of for who they are. It's a basic human need. It starts pretty much at birth, as far as I can tell. And so they also are wondering, does this person like me? Are they gonna like me? And when you can communicate, hey, I like you, then people just relax. They're like, oh, okay, great, I can just be myself. And so how do you communicate I like you? Well, that's we're gonna get into in the nuts and bolts. But that's the essence of what a good greeting is. You communicate I like you to the other person. And what's the other thing that you want to communicate? You want to communicate you are significant, you matter, you're important. Because if there's one thing that we want besides being loved and approved of for who we are, it's to feel special, important to matter to someone. And so your greeting, you're going to want to make sure that it communicates, hey, I like you and you're significant. And if your greeting does that, then you have an extremely confident greeting. And the reason this is so important is because a, the other person feels good, right? So then there you are doing something, you're interacting with them, they feel good, There you are, they feel good. Now what starts to happen after a little while, if they're feeling good and you're present, they're feeling good and you're present and you're talking to them, they start to associate that to you, they like you more. And so it's amazing how when we can just give the approval that we're all seeking to someone else and the significance that we all want underneath to someone else, just giving it freely, when you greet them, it does wonders. They're going to relax, they're going to feel important and they're going to feel good about themselves and then they're going to like you more. And so it's a win win. It's an awesome thing. And so some of the ways to communicate that are be first, as I was talking about earlier, be first to greet them. Because if you, out of a fear of rejection or wanting to be cool, are not paying much attention to them and then they have to come talk to you and then they greet you and you're like, hey, what's up? Yeah, and you might just be thinking you're supposed to be cool and we're gonna get into that in a second. But you, or you're nervous or something like that, that's where you're coming from. But to them, what are they going to feel? Oh, geez, maybe he doesn't like me very much. Maybe I'm not that important to him. And that is the opposite of a confident Greeting, because that doesn't feel good to them. They're not going to want to talk to you more if they don't feel like you like them or that they're important to you. So be first. Be the first to stick your hand out and shake it. Make eye contact with them. Smile. These are basic things. But be warm as you greet them and be bold to do it. And you can do the bold handshake, you can do the tap on the shoulder or the arm. You can do the hug. If you're just like, hey, put your arms big and wide and say, hey, John, how's it going? And just wrap them in a big hug. Doing stuff like that and just doing it casually and boldly and asserting it, people respond incredibly well. And the occasional person won't like it. But the vast majority of people love that warm greeting. And don't hide your enthusiasm for people. I mean, this is a shame that we learned along the way that you got to be cool and almost indifferent because underneath no one wants to feel like someone's indifferent to them. It feels like crap, doesn't it? Like we want to feel like we're special and someone likes us. I mean, think about this. I have a little baby right now. I don't know if you have any contact with little kids in your life, but how does a little, little kid greet someone like his uncle or his dad or someone he's excited to see? He goes crazy. He like runs. If he's running, he runs across the room and he's like, how's it going? Yeah, he's just really excited. And have you ever been on the receiving end of that? How does that feel? Well, if you haven't experienced it yet, you will. And it feels awesome. You're like, yeah, I'm kind of the coolest guy in the world. And it feels great. I mean, it's amazing because my son does that now he's 10 month old and he gets really excited when he sees me and he cr. When I leave. You better believe that makes me feel like a big man. I'm like, yeah, I'm significant. And that stuff is powerful. And just because we grow up and get older doesn't mean we don't want that stuff. Now you can tone the enthusiasm down just a little bit so you're not greeting them like a two year old, but keep that same energy. Hey, how's it going? It's great to see you. Hey, how you doing? Nice to meet you. Notice that upbeat tone, that energy, and you can let your enthusiasm Show. I've met people and after several minutes of talking to them, I'm like, wow, you're just like a really fascinating person. I am so interested. You strike me as, you're just awesome. And I'll say stuff like that and they'll smile and they'll laugh and that expressiveness really impacts people and they like it. And who wouldn't, right? So you want to bring more of that out. Don't tone down that enthusiasm to try to be cool and laid back and all that stuff is just trying to avoid rejection. And maybe you learned somewhere in high school or something that if you were enthusiastic, people made fun of you, but that's just bullshit. Now, that doesn't happen as an adult, right? The more enthusiastic you are, the more you can just let yourself out and greet people the way that you want to greet them, the more positive responses you're going to get. Here's one caveat, because I was talking to a guy about this and he said, I, you know, I'm a hugger. I like to hug people, but not everyone's gonna like that. And then how am I gonna, you know, I don't want to be that guy who's just all upping people's business and creeping them out. I said, reasonable concern. But here's the thing. You, like all of us, have something called sensory acuity or sensory awareness. That means you can use your senses, your sight, your hearing, your touch, your smell to see the impact that you're having on people. So, for example, if you are going in for a hug for someone and you notice it's a woman, for example, and you notice that her eyes get really shifty as you're going in, and then you hug her and she's like stiff as a board or kind of tight in her body then, right? As soon as you notice that, use your sensory acuity, your touch, your sight, don't give her a big five minute bear hug, right? She's indicating, I'm uncomfortable right now. So you give her the briefest of hugs, like the little quick tap on the back kind of hug, and then you're out. So you use your sensory acuity to adapt. Now, of course, most people, though, if you just casually lead the way, are going to love it. A warm handshake, a pat on the shoulder, a great tone in your voice and a hug. I mean, people love that stuff. As a matter of fact, I'm going to share a brief story about this. Just a couple weeks back, I met for the first time with a guy who's a pretty established public speaker here in the Northwest, Pacific Northwest, in the United States. His name's Lou Raja. Awesome guy, born in Africa, spent half his life there. Now he's lived in the United states for some 20 years and is just a really inspiring guy. And he uses his motivation, inspiration to do these awesome talks and trainings for schools and organizations and. And corporations. And we were introduced via email by a mutual friend. And he was enthusiastic in the email, like, oh, I'm excited to meet you, and so on and so forth. And then I got to his office and he had a glass door where I could see through the door and see him sitting at his desk typing. And I knock on the door and he gives the come on in, like, waves me in with his hands. And as I walk through the door, he stands up from his desk, he walks around the desk and has this big smile on his face. And he grabs my hand and he says, aziz, it's so good to meet you. And he pats the other side of my hand and shakes my hand. He's like, come here, sit over here at this table. You want some water? I got you some water. Come have a seat. It's so great to meet you. I'm so curious about this, this and that. And I mean, it was really. It really struck me. I was like, that's kind of the best greeting I've ever gotten in my life. Damn. And how do you think I felt? Do you think I felt like he didn't like me or that he liked me? That's right. Like he liked me. Do you think I felt like I was not important or not significant or very significant? Very significant. And how much do you think I like Lou? Well, I thought Lou was the best damn guy in the world, and that's because of the way that he greeted me. So this stuff is powerful. And he wasn't afraid of. Well, I'm going to be too enthusiastic. He just put himself out there because that's who he is in the world and that's who you are, too, underneath all those fears. So go out there and start giving those greetings. Just warmly greet people. People love it. We're going to take a quick break right now, and then we're going to get back into another very important thing, which is the exit. How do you say goodbye in a confident way and leave a positive impression? So stay tuned for that. We'll be right back after this. If someone tells you there is one magical thing you can say to any woman anywhere, and her knees will go Weak with lust for you, be wary. This sounds appealing, but it's just a sales tactic. In reality, creating healthy, lifelong confidence with women comes from transforming your psychology and practicing new skills daily. When you do this, the results are real, lasting, and more rapid than you can imagine. So when you're ready to ditch the pickup lines and make a real shift, check out Dr. Aziz dating program@30daystodatingmastery.com. Your future girlfriend will thank you for it. Welcome back. So how do we exit in a confident way? How do we leave? Well, just like we talked about greetings, we got to talk about the not confident exit. And this is what I used to do for years. And now when I see clients or they tell me about it, I just smile because I know what's happening in their minds and behind the scenes. And here's what I used to do. I used to just fade into the background. I just kind of leave. I just sort of eek out the back. As Paul Simon would say, slip out the back, Jack. I just leave. It was a party or gathering a group. I'd just leave. No goodbyes, nothing. Maybe if I was talking to someone in that moment, I'd say goodbye. But I wouldn't go around and talk and say goodbye to people. I'd even do this with family members, like Thanksgiving or something. I'd just leave. And here's what's underneath that communication. This is what you communicate to yourself and others when you do that. I don't matter. My presence here doesn't matter. And nothing could be further from the truth. You matter. You impact people, especially when you show up and are yourself around there. People notice you, and people feel your absence when you're gone. I remember it blew me away for a while. I was working with Lynn Henderson, who I interviewed a little while back in her shyness clinic. And I remember people sometimes we did these group therapy sessions there, and maybe eight people in a group. And sometimes someone would just no show to a group session. They just wouldn't be there that day. I was like, yeah, we're Tuesday, and no one's sitting in Tim's chair. It's like, where's Tim? I don't know. Did Tim call? No. And then you get there the next week, and then sure enough, Tim's there, and people are like, hey, Tim, where were you? And he's like, oh, you guys noticed that I wasn't here. And I remember, like, looking at him being like, are you crazy, dude? But then I realized he was serious. Like, he really thought that little of himself that he thought no one would care or notice that he was gone. So that nothing could be further from the truth. Everyone noticed. Everyone was impacted by him not being there. And that's the same for you. You matter. And you want to communicate that by acknowledging that when you exit. And so you want to just say goodbye to people, make it a point when you're leaving to make the rounds, as it were, and just say quick goodbyes. You don't have to give everyone a five minute hug and tell them how much you think they're amazing. No, no, no, just a quick goodbye. So you just walk by and you say, hey, I'm taking off. I'll see you later. All right, goodbye. And you can just keep in motion. You don't have to stop there. If you really want to, just get out. And even if two people are in a conversation, you might think like, oh, I don't want to interrupt them. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's fine, interrupt them. I mean, if it's really quick and you're not inserting yourself for too long, you can just on the way out say, hey, I hate to interrupt, guys, but I'm on my way out and it was great to see you, great to meet you and I'll catch you guys later, take care. And you walk out real quick. So you're interrupting them just for a second, though. And it's so warm and friendly that people are just going to go back to their conversation. They might not even give it a second thought consciously, but unconsciously they're going to think, wow, what a confident guy. That's cool. I mean, that was really nice of him. And it impacts people. And if you think, oh, my God, I can't just jump into a group like that, well, then you got to get the confidence code, which I've totally revamped. All the content is brand new, it's coming out. And we go in depth into how to break into groups, how to join into group conversations, how to do this thing. And there's a little subtle line that I teach in that program as a little teaser here, you can break into any group by saying this one phrase, I hate to interrupt, or I don't want to interrupt. And then you've just interrupted, right? So as you're walking by, two people are talking. You say, hey, I don't want to interrupt, but I, I'm on my way out. It was great to meet you, nice to see you again. I'll catch you guys later. And you go out. Very, very powerful communication. So in the last little bit of time here today, I want to share a brief story with you of the power of your presence and how you do matter. And this is with a friend of mine. We were traveling many years ago and we were on a beach town in Mexico and we were at this bar where there's a lot of people and drinking. And we were trying to meet women at that time. And with mixed success. Both of us could definitely continue to work on our social confidence at that time. And anyway, though, he was talking to a woman who was from France, very beautiful woman, thick French accent. And he's talking with her. And I look over occasionally, he's still talking to her, still talking to her. And all of a sudden I look over and they're gone. Now it turns out I found this out later, that she invited him back to her room, which is she was staying in the same hotel where the bar was, and she invited him back to the room to do some shot of some particular fancy liquor that they had been talking about. She happened to have a bottle in her room. So they go to her room, they both do a shot of this liquor. And then he is like, now's my chance, right? You know, she invited me to her room, we're drinking now, I should go in for the kiss. So he goes in to kiss her and she pulls back and it's kind of like, I don't know. I don't know exactly what she says, but basically no. And he is just deflated. He's like, ugh, this is terrible. And so that's where I then enter. He enters back on the scene, comes up to me like, hey, man, how's it going? And he's like, ugh, this is terrible. I gotta go home, back to the room. Like, What? It's like 11 o', clock, man, we're still going. You're gonna leave? Oh, yeah, man, I'm done. Like, alright. So there he goes, he walks off and about 15 minutes later, there a French girl, I'm talking to some people. This French girl comes up to me and says in her thick French accent, you know, where is your friend? And I'm like, oh, he left. And then the look on her face, I wish you could see, it was just like sad and pouty. It was like, like this big, sad, frowny face. And she's like, he laughed. And I said, yeah, yeah, he. I guess he thought that you weren't interested in him. And she said, no, no, no. After the shot, I was just so disoriented. I got dizzy. And I didn't know what was happening. And she was really sad. She came up several times during the rest of the night. She's like, he's not coming back. And I'm like, no, no, I don't think so. And she's like, oh. I was like, well, you guys can meet up tomorrow. And she's like, no, our flight leaves at 6am tomorrow morning. And I just thought, oh, man, it's a bummer. And so I told him about it, of course. And he was. He's like, why did you tell me that, Aziz? I'm like, well, to help you learn that, you know, don't take the rejection so hard and it doesn't mean what you think it does. And he's like, no, man, you shouldn't have told me. And I was like, wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all, lessons aside, why does it matter now? It's the next day, and you couldn't have done anything. Nothing would be different now anyway. And he's like, yeah, man. But now I know I could have had an awesome experience, and I missed out. We had a fun debate about that for a while, but the takeaway here is he mattered. He mattered to her. And him not saying goodbye to her led to this experience where he really missed out and she missed out. And you matter to people, even if you think that you don't. So make that exit, say that strong goodbye, and continue to make that positive impression on people. And that leads us to our action step. Time for action. You probably can guess what your action step is for this episode, but I'm going to say it anyway. And that is to go. Do confident greetings and goodbyes. Greet people. Let more of yourself out. Hug people if you're into that thing. Shake hands. Smile. Be the first. Do all the things that you learned in this episode about confident greetings and confident goodbyes and and make them a part of your life. Do at least three of those things this week, if not more. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. Sam.