How To Handle A Breakup And Maintain Your Confidence

If you've recently experienced a breakup, then my heart goes out to you because I don't think there's any worse pain in this world than the loss of connection. Loss of connection with someone that you care about, someone that you love. And you know, sometimes it's the pain of having to end a relationship, but usually that's not as bad as being the one who's ended on, the one who's broken up with the one who is dumped. I mean, to me, that is the worst pain. Because not only do you have the pain of the loss of connection, but then you also have the pain of all the ideas, feeling rejected, of feeling not good enough, not desirable to this person. What could I have done differently? How could I have lived up to what this person wanted of me? And then we're left with all these questions, all these unanswered questions like what did I do wrong and how do I fix it? And you know, you know the top selling dating program online, you know, I've researched all this stuff because I have a dating program. I started looking at what's out there and it's a lot of pickup artist stuff, which I'm sure you've heard my opinions on. But you know, the number one selling dating program, it's not how to talk to women, it's not how to get her into bed in five seconds or whatever is out there in the pickup artist community. It's how to get your ex back. That's the top selling dating program, how to get your ex back. And to me, that shows how much pain we can get into and how much we want to get that person back. And so you might be in that position right now. You might be thinking, God, this hurts so bad. How do I get her back? How do I get her back? And so let me give you some tips on how to deal with a breakup. Not so that you can just get through it, but that so you can heal from it, recover from it, and be better off and go to the next level where you feel even more empowered to start a new relationship. So the first thing you have to do after you experience a breakup is you got to get clarity. Get clarity on what is actually happening. You know, I can't tell you how many times I'll be talking to someone and they'll say, well, we're done. And I'll be like, well, what actually happened? And what really happened is they just had a fight and now they're kind of not talking for a day or two. But you got to get clarity A, is it really over? And it might be. And then B, is there anything that you can do to initiate or reinitiate connection contact? Like can you guys have an in depth conversation about what she's frustrated with or what she's lacking in the relationship? And you can have a discussion about how you can offer more, what's holding you back, maybe what you want out of the relationship too, and just have an honest heart to heart. Sometimes that can radically shift things. But if you've gotten the clarity and it's over, then the most important thing for you to do is to accept that it's over. And I know that's the hardest thing. It's probably the last thing that you want to hear from me. And if you want, you can go check out one of the programs on how to get your ex back. Maybe they work, but in my experiences, when something is done, it's over and that it may rekindle. You may have an opportunity down the line, but. But not from clinging and desperately trying to make it happen. Really, if you just go inward, focus on yourself, focus on taking care of yourself and recovering in your own life, then maybe there's going to be an opportunity down the road with her later. But trying to pursue desperately texting 45 times, showing up at her house uninvited, saying I'll fly anywhere and meet you wherever, and just having this desperation, it just doesn't work. So the second thing you have to do after you get clarity and is you have to learn how to handle the free fall. So the free fall is that feeling that you have right now if you've gone through a breakup or this is bringing back memories of your most recent breakup. The free fall is that feeling of your heart is just sinking in your chest or your stomach is in a knot, or almost like that kind of panicky feeling of like, what am I going to do? How am I going to survive? How am I going to make it not, not until the next relationship, the next day, through the next minute. Sometimes the emotion can be so intense that we don't even know how we're going to make it through the rest of the evening. And so we have to learn how to handle that level of emotion. And one thing that makes it worse is that you are telling yourself, I messed up, I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, I'm unattractive, I'm a loser. And we start just spinning these terrible stories. And one of the most common ones is never find anyone again. Because if this person dumped me Then everyone in the world and there's no possibility that another woman could find me attractive. And then we get stuck in that loop. And that is the nth degree of suffering, isn't it? I mean, you're already suffering enough at missing this person and longing for this person and wishing you could be with her again. Now on top of that, we add, I'm a failure. I'll never find anyone again. And we get a lot of anxiety and fear. So to handle the free fall is to pay attention to those stories and as much as you can, not buy into them, and to work on having compassion for yourself and taking care of yourself and not just buying into those stories. Now, if the idea of having compassion for yourself is like, huh, what is he saying? Then you got to check out my book, the Solution to Social Anxiety, which has an entire chapter dedicated to self acceptance and self, self compassion, how to treat yourself well and take care of yourself after experiencing a setback. So that's a, that's one way to go deeper with that stuff. But basically handling the free fall means being with your feelings, paying attention to them, feeling them and not acting crazy out of them, not making those desperate phone calls, not reaching out in a way that's going to just push her and repel her further and further away and perhaps even turn you into a stalker to being able to tolerate your own feelings. How do you do that? Well, you can sit down and journal, write your feelings out on a document, on your computer, or in a pen and paper journal. You can get support. You can talk to a friend. And this is a challenge for a lot of guys because a lot of guys don't have honest, vulnerable, real, authentic friendships. You know, we got some drinking buddies or some guys that we know at work that are acquaintances, but if you want to go talk to them about what's going on in your life, a, you've never done it and it feels too scary, but. Or B, worse, you have the kind of friendships where your best friend says, dude, just man up. You know, let's go to the bar and get drunk and hook up. And they have no ability to help support you in what you're going through. And if that's something you're struggling with and you know, check out the video I have in the dating and relationship section about creating outstanding friendships. Because you've got to learn how to create the support system in your life that's going to help build you up after a setback. And we need that more than any other time when we have a breakup you need that support. So dealing with your feelings by journaling about them, by getting support, there's a very powerful technique called emotional freedom technique. You can look it up online and learn how to do it. If you get my program, the confidence code, I go in depth in how to use emotional freedom technique to deal with painful emotions. So you can find many different ways. The key here is, is to not spin out in the free fall, to not act out of those feelings, and then also to not believe the story that you're doomed, that you're never going to find anyone again. Trust me, it feels true. I know how true it feels, and I've been there. But it's false. It's a lie. It's just fear. It's just the pain of loss. So that is the next thing you need to do is you need to take care of your feelings, get that support, and then you have to be wary of the quick fixes. Now, the quick fixes are what are your top quick fixes? Right? Booze, drugs, pot. Trying to find another woman really quickly to hook up with her. Now, I'm not saying this from a place of judgment because I myself have used all of those to deal with a breakup. And maybe you're gonna. Maybe that's okay. Maybe that's what you do for part of the time. But if that's your primary strategy, you know, I had a client who said his strategy after a breakup was to party through it. If that's your primary strategy, then you're missing the boat. You're selling yourself out. You're selling yourself short. Because there's a tremendous opportunity right now for you in your life. And I know that might sound crazy because it might feel like the worst thing that's ever happened to you. But I can bet you that if you're willing to look for it and shape it and utilize this experience, then this is going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. It's going to provide you with some knowledge, some insight, some lesson, some learning, some depth of your character and personality that's going to help you relate more deeply to others, be more empathic, be more bold in the world when you recover and you heal. Find that, you know, maybe that person wasn't quite right for you, and here's why. But you were too scared to leave because you felt like you needed her. And now she ended it. And now you have an opportunity to move elsewhere. Maybe you were in a way in that relationship that didn't serve you. Maybe you became too dependent on her. Maybe you be. You lost yourself and just did whatever she wanted to do, and you're going to be able to learn from those things. And then in your next relationship, you're going to take it to a whole other level, and you're going to look back and you're going to say, oh, my God. You know, I thought that that's what I wanted, but the reality is that was all part of my path to get me to where I am now. Now, that doesn't happen automatically. That comes from you consciously deciding that you're going to use this experience to help serve you in your life and help you grow and learn. What can I learn from? This is a very powerful question to ask yourself after a breakup. And even more powerful question is, I know this sounds crazy, but how is this going to be in my best benefit? Maybe I don't know right now, but I'm going to follow that question and see where it leads me. And so the idea is you're going to look for ways to grow from the experience, and the quick fixes diminish that opportunity for growth. So, you know, you get drunk once, that helps for that evening. You do it again and again, weekend after weekend. What ends up happening is you don't recover, you don't fully heal from the breakup. What happens is you are feeling all this pain in your heart, but you take a pill, you drink something, you hook up with another girl to make it go away. And it works temporarily, but what happens is you just have this, like, nugget of pain, this, like, open wound deep inside there that you've kind of covered up with a bunch of stuff. And maybe time goes on and you forget about it. But then there's the next opportunity to talk to a woman. You know, you're single, you've recovered from the breakup some. It's been a number of months, and you see a woman, you want to talk to her, and you're just paralyzed by fear. And you wonder why. And that's because that wound down in your heart is like. Is still festering. And it's like, holy crap, there's no way I'm going to connect with a woman again. Because that equals massive pain. No, thank you. Or you have an opportunity close to a woman, and as it starts to go well, you mess it up somehow again for that same reason. Because you're scared because you haven't healed that stuff, or you get really anxious that this one's going to break up with you, too. I mean, there's so many ways that this can unfold. But the takeaway here is that you have to manage those quick fixes and just like being with your feelings, just like handling the freefall, not acting from that as much as possible, dealing with them in healthy ways and then taking time to reflect and heal from the experience. Take some time to be single, take some time to talk with friends, go on adventures, do things that you wanted to do and really find a way to have compassion and love and respect for yourself and to not take on any message that you weren't good enough, that you were a failure, that you weren't attractive in some way. Because that's just going to dig you deeper into the pit. So those are some tips on how to deal with a breakup again. This is the kind of thing that we can go way deeper into in confidence coaching where we can actually, moment to moment, give you the support that you need. If you don't have those friendships, not only can I give you the support in this breakup right now, but then I can help you create those friendships in your life and learn from this experience so it doesn't become another string in the string of failures. You know, and that's what I had for a long time, is I had a number of breakups, my own doing in a twisted sort of way. And if you want to check out the commitment video, the commitment page, I talk all about my. My path to commitment and difficulty with creating relationships. But I created one after one, a string of breakups. And I started to have this story of, you know, relationships end. It's only a matter of time until one person gets bored or disinterested with the other person and leaves them. And that was really scary. And I really believed that deep down in my core. And it made me terrified of creating relationships. It made me avoid them. It made me kind of be gamey and stay distant and all these things. So there's a tremendous opportunity for you to heal and to grow. So find the way to be with your feelings and move through it in a way that's going to support you in your life. So thanks for listening and I look forward to talking to you more in the future until we speak again. And I that you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome.