How To Heal Toxic Shame

You're about to discover the three biggest signs of toxic shame and how to shift it fast. This might be a term that you've heard of before. You might have even been looking up this word on YouTube, toxic shame. Or maybe you're just coming across this video and you're not quite sure what it is, but you're questioning because maybe the term makes sense to you even if you've never heard it before. Because let's break it down. Here's what shame is, right? Shame is a feeling of badness. I've done something bad. People are going to judge me. I'm not okay? I'm going to be rejected. I'm not going to be liked. I'm not going to be loved. And we can feel ashamed because maybe you did something really bad, right? People say, I feel ashamed. You stole money from an old lady, you embezzled some money, or something like that. And you might feel ashamed about it now. We can also feel shame, though, when we didn't necessarily do anything especially bad. And now we're entering into the realm of toxic shame. So toxic shame is a shame that exists kind of all the time or very regularly, especially when you didn't even do anything particularly bad or wrong. You didn't go push that old lady down the stairs and take her money. Instead, you might just feel bad about yourself when you wake up. Or this is one of the first signs of toxic shame. You are chronically comparing yourself to others. So you see someone who's attractive or who seems confident or whatever you're comparing yourself based on. And then you feel really bad about yourself, like terrible. You feel low. You feel like, I shouldn't even be here. I got a retreat. I don't want to talk to anybody, right? You know what I'm talking about. That is a sign of toxic shame, that there's something just wrong or deficient in me no matter what I do. The second sign is an urge to compensate. You feel like you got to do a lot to make up for this invisible failing on your part. So now I have to hustle double time to make sure that you like me. I got to prove myself every single day. I got to be the best. I got to be a perfectionist. I got to make no mistakes. I got to make sure you're totally pleased, totally happy. Some strategy to make sure that you can like me. Because with this big burden of toxic shame, I guess I'm not really likable unless I really hustle. Can you relate to one of those two signs? Either chronically comparing yourself and feeling low or this urge to try to compensate. What's the third sign? Toxic shame. Well, this one is the most subtle. And this one, you feel as if something bad is going to happen at any moment, maybe all the time. Right. And sometimes people don't link this to toxic shame. They think, oh, maybe I, I'm worrying or I'm anxious and probably doing both those things. But they don't realize it's actually coming out of toxic shame. Because here's the. The worst part about this. When we feel that toxic shame, the story, the unconscious story you have about yourself is, I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. Something's wrong with me, right? And hence all these things that we're talking about that this is the worst part. I kind of deserve bad things in life. That's what I'm destined to get. And again, this is not totally conscious. It's just a feeling that a lot of people have that I worked with. And yet it has a very real effect because what it leads to is embracing a fear, a worry, and it causes you to not put yourself out there in life. You know, go connect with those people. Go join that new friend group. Whoa. Something terrible is going to happen. Why? Because terrible things are supposed to happen to me in life. Which, when you hear that spoken out loud, pretty depressing and isn't it? Which is why I'm so glad you made it this far in this video. And we're going to change all this because you don't have to live in this. You know, sometimes I talk to people and they're like, well, my toxic shame comes from an abusive upbringing or this bad situation. My family and I learned that I'm no good. And I mean, I can't change my family, I can't change my upbringing. That's just how it is. Well, that's true. You can't change your family, you can't change your upbringing or what happened in the past. But that's not the source of the toxic shame. Now. That was the original source of it. That was the message you learned about yourself when you were young. But now the source of the tox shame is in here. You are continuing it. You're the perpetrator at this point, or some part of you is now. And so we're living out an old pattern that's familiar and it needs to change. So how do you change it? The most powerful way to heal shame, there's really two components. One is self compassion, and two is unveiling yourself Sharing who you really are with other people. So let's break that down right now. Self compassion is being able to be on your own side no matter what. It's very different than self esteem, which is like, hey, I'm great and I did good today. I'm going to prove that I could do things in the world, which is also useful. But self compassion is. I don't need to prove something today. I'm gonna treat myself like someone who's worthy of love and respect. Regardless of what other people think, regardless of what my parents said when I was young, regardless of that person likes me or not. I'm going to be on my own side. And if you've watched any videos on my channel, that's a huge theme. Just look up omos o M O s or on my own side. I have dozens of videos. Also, I have a book that I wrote called On My own side. You can check it out on Amazon Audible. So there's a ton of resources there that if you really want to shift that, you can, but you have to get that handled. You have to get on your own side. That's where confidence comes from too. That's how we heal toxic shame. The second thing that you must do is at a pace that feels right to you with the right people over time, sharing who you really are. Because as long as we live in this story that I'm unlovable and people can't like me and I'm not enough, we stay in that reality and then we hide ourselves. We don't really connect with other people. They don't really feel that drawn to us because we're not really unveiling ourselves or connecting with them. And the cycle continues, Right? So what does this look like in practice? What it looks like is maybe starting with a friend, maybe a therapist. If you're working with a therapist, someone in your life who is trusted, someone who can be with you and you share with them. It's not that complex, right? There's a part of us that makes it really complex because we're scared to do it. But it's actually quite simple. What do you share just a little bit more? You don't have to go to them and share your deepest, darkest secrets and, you know, expunge the demons right away or something. Just share a little bit more about how you're feeling, what your fears are. Oh, I notice I compare myself to this person. I feel less than just whatever is happening. You share a little bit more and a little bit more and over time you realize this person is still here. I'm not going to be abandoned. I'm not going to be cast out just for being a human. And over time you really at its root heal that toxic shame. So I hope this serves you. Share down below in the comments what you're finding most valuable so we can all learn and grow together. And if you want to take this further, definitely go to my website, draziz.com-r a z I z.com I got tons of resources there, including a podcast that has hundreds of episodes, many of which are about this topic. Those books that I mentioned, you can find out about those on the website, as well as a free mini course called five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. So if you're liking this video, you want to take things further, there's tons of free resources on that website. It's Draze D R A Z I z dot com thanks for being with me today and until we speak again, may of the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.