How To LOVE Discomfort

Welcome to Shrink for the shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about something that maybe not everybody loves, but everybody should love, that you will love by the end of today's episode, guaranteed, which is discomfort. And this is one of my favorite topics to talk about. Interestingly enough, it would not have been many years ago. And not only that, but someone on my team, confidence coach Amber, actually came to me and said, hey, let's talk more about this. I don't think people quite get how amazing discomfort is. So I said, yes, let's talk about it.

And.

And here she is with me, joining me on the show. Thank you for being with us, Amber.

Thank you so much for having me.

So we're talking about discomfort. So let's just start with that. You said, you know, sometimes we talk about discomfort as something we have to tolerate. Like, everyone knows this. You got to go outside your comfort zone to get what you want in life, to grow your confidence, whether it's talking to somebody or speaking up or having a difficult conversation. That's all outside of your, quote, comfort zone. And so, of course, we teach people and show them how to take those steps, go outside their comfort zone and expand their life, get a better result, have more confidence. But you came and said, you know, I don't know if they. They get it, that there's actually something to love in discomfort. And it's more people are sort of tolerating it or enduring it. So maybe you could share a little bit more about. What was your thinking to reach out for me about. About recording this episode?

Yeah. So I have a lot of discomfort in my life, and I enjoy it most of the time. And one thing that I was thinking about is that a lot of people approach discomfort as a means to an end. So, okay, fine, I'll do this uncomfortable thing if it means that, for example, like, I'll approach this beautiful girl, which is uncomfortable, if it means that she'll love me forever, and I'll just be super comfortable in an amazing relationship. Like, I'll get over the discomfort so that I can get to the peace and comfort and perfection.

Right. And I only want to approach one, too. I don't want it all to work out on that first try.

Yeah. And so sometimes I think we think of discomfort as that crappy thing that you have to go through in order to get to the good thing, which is no discomfort. And so I think it's really important to change your definition of success in life or, like, what you consider a good life. And most people have a definition of success or, like, what they consider to be happiness that doesn't include discomfort. And therefore, when inevitably discomfort arises in their life or they have to face some discomfort, they start feeling bad, and they are really resistant towards that discomfort, which makes it way worse. And so we all have a definition of success that is unconscious at least. And what I think people should do is make it conscious. So I would love to share my definition with you, and I would love to hear what yours is as well.

Fun. Let's do it.

Ok. So I ask myself three questions. The first question is, did I feel alive? Did I grow and learn? That's the second question. And what seeds did I sow? And I remember in the past, I mean, I've always faced discomfort in my life. I don't think you can avoid it, even if you're trying really hard. Then it's just a different kind of discomfort. It's like avoidance discomfort, numbness, depression, regret, that type of discomfort. And that was the worst type of discomfort because I didn't feel alive. And so even if I had a really challenging day, even if I embarrass myself on this podcast or ask somebody out and they reject me, that is a different type of discomfort that at least I feel alive in that process. Whereas when I'm avoiding discomfort, when I'm resisting discomfort, when I'm not putting myself out there and I'm not being courageous, I still feel uncomfortable, but I definitely don't feel alive.

Yeah.

And so aliveness doesn't really depend on everything going perfectly or you feeling good all the time. Alive includes everything.

Yeah. And I think that is the. That's the rub. That's the core challenge, is that you cannot experience life in this human body without discomfort. It's not a matter of if you're going to have it. It's a matter of, well, how do you want to take it? And the stuff you're describing, the failure Embarrassment or rejection or whatever, those are larger doses of discomfort and maybe more punctuated, like, boom, there's that moment I got rejected and I felt it for that hour or that day or whatever. That is one way to take your discomfort. It's like you're placing an order. You know, how do you like your coffee?

Right.

It's like, how do you like your discomfort? And then the other way, which is what you were saying you've done. And I definitely lived this for many years. You, you shut down and avoid all the large doses of discomfort and you think, well, now I'm safe, now I'm not going to get that. But actually you're just going to get it in another way. You're going to get it kind of dripped in over time and actually like compounding interest or something, it accumulates to a much worse, I mean, look like depression. Whether it's severe clinical depression or just that kind of dysthymia, negativity, lack of purpose, we can, we can feel day to day. I mean, that in the long run is way more painful than that rejection. It's just drawn out over days and it slowly builds and builds and builds and builds and builds. So I'm with you. I love the idea of taking, diving into life fully and taking the discomfort like a ocean wave to your chest when you're walking into the cold water.

Yeah. And the second question of did I grow? Did I learn? That's really important as well, because growing and learning doesn't always feel great. But if you can feel successful even in the process of growth and learning, like even when it's challenging, then you'll have less resistance to that process. So if I'm wanting to learn how to network, for example, or how to make friends and I faced some rejection or I faced some challenges along the way, at least I can feel good at the end of the day. Like, yeah, I put myself out there, I learned something new, I'm reflecting on it and that's a really good measure of success as well. And it also ties into the next one, which is what, what seeds did I sow? Because a lot of people judge their day and judge their life by what they're reaping. And I like to think of it more as what I'm putting in, what I'm investing every day. And if you're always judging it by what you're reaping, then you tend to be focused on short term pleasure and seeking more of that out in your life, which then leads to the discomfort that we were just Talking about of not really putting yourself out there, not really doing the things that lead to the most amazing type of life where you feel vibrantly alive in the long term.

Yeah, I really feel like that last one, that focus on what you're putting in versus am I getting the result that I want yet? Focusing on am I getting the result that I want yet? Is it pleasurable? Is it comfortable? It's like a recipe for pretty much chronic dissatisfaction in our lives. And so focusing in on that, what am I putting in and what is this leading towards and what is this building towards? I find that when I do that what will happen is the rewards and the. I don't want to call it pleasure. It's almost like deeper, it's more fulfillment or love or something that's more lasting and satisfying than momentary pleasure. It comes really slowly, sometimes almost imperceptibly. You know what I'm thinking of right now actually is puppies. So we got these puppies a couple months ago now over two months ago, these two small dogs, Cavalier King Charles spaniels, for those of you who are dog people. You know what they are, little cute, fluffy things. And man, talk about like major reduction in life pleasure upon getting these things. Like, it was just like you have to take care of them non stop. You have to wake up in the night, the kids are all over them. Like all these freedoms that Candice and I were getting back in our lives. To be able to go on a date and go out for five hours in the day or gone, you had to be there with the dogs. And it was hard and it sucked. And it was like, oh man, our lives, it was getting so good and we ruined it. And. And yet there was like, but this is an investment in something longer term. There's a reason for this. We kept on coming back to that. And just the other day I was out in the yard with two boys and her two dogs and watching my younger son Arman picking up a dog. Not in a crazy aggressive way, but actually doing it in a really careful way. Walking him over, setting him down, running across the yard, pulling out a treat, calling him over. I mean, it was just amazing. And that moment kind of just appeared. It was like, oh, there it is. Oh, wow, this is a really beautiful moment right now. And it didn't come because I was checking, like, am I getting the results yet? It was just being present to it. So I feel like if we really focus in on what we're moving towards. And I think one thing that's so important for that is what I would call a compelling future. I think we, in every endeavor that we're enduring the discomfort. That's what it feels like at times. If we're in the discomfort in life, if we don't have a compelling vision of what this is bringing to us in the long term, it can be really hard to sustain that openness to discomfort. I found.

Yeah, that was actually the second thing that I wrote down for this podcast is knowing your reason why. Because I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but you start a new diet, you're like, I'm going to go vegan or keto or whatever you're going to do. And two days in you go to the grocery store and you pass the ice cream and you're like, why am I doing that? Again, you completely forget any motivation that you had to be on this diet. And that's why it's so important to reconnect with your motive, your reason why, your compelling future, or just the actual benefits of the discomfort. So, for example, one type of discomfort that people really avoid in relationships is the discomfort of space or individuality or missing the person. And what that leads to is people wanting to always be together, spend all their time with other person, and not leave any sort of space or mystery between the two of you. And that especially happens in the beginning when people start dating. And then you have complete certainty because the person's there all the time or you're texting them all the time. But what you don't have is mystery, desire, the feeling of missing somebody and looking forward to seeing them and the long term benefits of being two individuals with separate lives that you bring into their relationship. And so most people just feel the discomfort of being without the person or the uncertainty of not knowing just because you're not with them, they avoid that discomfort. They want complete certainty. So they're with the person all the time. And then there are long term consequences to doing that. So one thing that with a lot of people that I work with in dating, when they feel really anxious when they're not with the person all the time or they want to text them all the time or spend all their time with them, is explaining that this feeling of discomfort that you have when you're not with them is actually a good thing. It's supporting your relationship and it's helping you build something amazing with that person. And just reframing like the actual benefits of the discomfort and knowing why you're putting yourself through that is really helpful for actually enjoying it. Like, like, yeah, I'm doing something good for my relationship or I'm doing something good for my body or my career.

Yeah. And that highlights an even bigger understanding of discomfort that I think we all need to have, which is that not only is it inherently part of life, it is, it is joined with, it is fused with the things that we might call good. As in. Because you're highlighting. Well, you need to have that discomfort of separation in order to have the enjoyment of togetherness. And I think this is true in every form of discomfort as it shows up. So to feel strong and healthy by following your diet or exercising, you need the discomfort of feeling a craving and breathing through it or working out when you're tired or something like that. So it's embedded in it. And I think that the biggest problem we can fall into is having a habitual avoidance of discomfort, a knee jerk reaction. Like that person, I'm uncomfortable, I want to text them. Right. And I see this all the time. And it's only intensified with our phones because our phones are devices to instantly remove discomfort is one of the primary ways that we use them at this point. So I mean, just the other day I was out in Forest park here in Portland and there, you know, there's this overlooked spot where people stop to look at things and take pictures. And there's like seven or eight people there and most of are just like looking down at their phones. Like maybe they just took a photo of the Overlook and now they're editing it or whatever. I don't know. But I'm like, this is like every moment, we're filling every moment. Because that moment of just like looking at the woods, you might start to feel a little discomfort. And I think, I mean, this brings a whole other thing in about discomfort of feelings in general. And it's like they're just waiting there behind the curtain. And as soon as we pause, creeping uncomfortable feeling. I don't know, let me get my phone. But I would encourage everyone, as you're listening to this, just like if you can create a little separation in your relationship, it could make it way better. If you can create a little space separation from your phone or other distractions and just let feelings start to emerge and let them be uncomfortable, you might find it deepens the quality of your life and all your moments and your presence and everything can start to grow and you'll find there's so much more fulfillment as you move through that discomfort.

Yeah. And one thing that I think is really helpful as well with this is to surround Yourself with people who understand that and who also embrace discomfort in their life in any form. And actually, like, let's see, like, a month and a half ago, I was dating somebody, and they were listening to my podcast, and one episode that I put on there was uncomfortable conversations, and I was talking about the benefits of uncomfortable conversations in different relationships. And afterwards, he texted me. He's like, hey, like, can we have one of those? Can we have an uncomfortable conversation?

Nice.

I was like, I really like you. You're awesome. And even just the team at the center and, like, talking to you and Jonathan and Janelle and having all these people around me who just get it, like, I don't have to explain to you why I'm doing something that's scary or uncomfortable and just being surrounded by people who inspire you in that way as well.

Yeah. So what are a few things that you've done recently, business or personal, that, you know, that you moved into intentionally that are discomfort?

Yeah. So this weekend, I was exploring Portland, and I saw this person who was singing and playing the guitar at the Makers Market, and I had that little feeling, like, I want to talk to them, but I don't know how. They're in the middle of giving a performance. And I took a little paper from my purse, and I wrote down, like, hey, I think you're handsome. And I wrote down my number, and I put it in his little box. And he didn't know that I did that. But later he ended up writing me, like, hey, I'm glad you think I'm handsome. And I felt uncomfortable. And, you know, you should do something when you have the idea to do it, followed by 10 reasons why not to do it, which is exactly what happened. And, yeah, so I had the intention to do it, and I was like, oh, but he's performing. But, oh, he'll notice that I'm doing it. Oh, I don't even have paper. I don't know where I can find a pen. This is, you know what? The moment's past. Who needs to be dating right now anyways? And then I was like, no, you have to do it.

Yeah. Nice. I love that story. I love that, too. That does. There's, like, this impulse inside of us, and oftentimes that's our intuition or guidance or something that's leading to a potentially richer, you know, as you were saying earlier, more alive feeling in life. And then it comes, and then we got to train ourselves to be able to act on it. And I think what that requires is courage. In fact, I wanted to Answer your original question of how do I define success? And I haven't sat down to think about specifically how I do it. But what's coming to me right now in this moment is I like to think of a triangle and three things that I am wanting to live each day and how I want to be each day. And being those things, embodying those things to me feels like success. I feel the happiest when I do them. I feel the most fulfilled and I don't feel, I don't know, nagging, guilt, regrets or any that can come from not living how I want to be. So they are. First one is love. And that's love of self. Am I on my own side? But then also love of others. How much am I able to show up fully, open heartedly and just be with people, be present with them, be loving with them, be responsive to them. And especially with. I don't really get too frustrated or irritated by many things at work or in general in life. But with kids and sometimes they'll be like this morning, Armand, my younger one is like wanting my attention. So he's like getting heavy objects and like throwing them at the back of my head. And I'm just like, part of me is like, oh, I'm enraged, you know, so how do I work with that energy and meet him with instead of force, but finesse and grace? And so that's another form of love and that's success, if I could do that. And you know, and part of that is surrender really. So I think that's a big factor in success for me is how much can I surrender to whatever's happening. And oftentimes that's discomfort, right? An uncomfortable feeling. And then the second part of the triangle, in addition to love is courage. And this might be kind of the stuff you're talking about with that when you have that impulse. And then a 10 reasons not to do it. For me, it's like, am I finding a way to act on that courage every day in some way? It doesn't have to be huge. Could be small, it could be that uncomfortable conversation. It could be leaning into my edge and sharing a little bit more, even if I'm not sure if the person is interested. It could be, you know, figuring out something new on the computer with software that's kind of overwhelming or confusing. That's all courage. And then the last one, because you can have a lot of love and a lot of courage, but that could be so serious. So for me, levity is super important. That's the Third thing is, like, if I'm not finding humor and laughing throughout the day, then I don't think that's a success. Like, if that was a super heavy, serious day, even if I was productive or whatever, it's like, yeah, but where's the joy? Right? So levity. Those are the three for me, for success. And I mean, love requires discomfort. Courage. The definition of courage is to do something that you're scared of. And fear is inherently uncomfortable as an energy inside of us. So to really live these ways and to be really fully alive, we want to. Discomfort is a requirement for full aliveness.

Yeah. I think the third one you mentioned is really important as well, because sometimes we get caught up in, okay, yeah, I'll go through all this discomfort so I can finally be something and make something of myself. And I think when you notice yourself getting so serious, it's usually. You're usually putting yourself in a position to do things that are uncomfortable from your ego and, like, wanting to prove something or make something happen. And that's not what we're talking about here. I think we're talking about, like, experiencing life more fully and creating from abundance and wanting to express yourself more. Not going through discomfort to get something out there to complete yourself, to make yourself okay. And I notice for myself, like, whenever there isn't a lot of humor in my day, it's usually because I'm doing things to try and prove myself or trying to get somewhere so that I'll finally feel okay or be good enough. And when there is humor, it's more coming from that expressing place and, like, wanting to experience life to the fullest.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, yeah. Where we're coming from is so important with this as everything. So if it's coming from, I just got to get to X. And then. Because that's. That in itself is still, like, not really embracing discomfort. Right. Not really loving discomfort, because it's like, okay, all right, I'll do all this uncomfortable stuff because then I'm gonna get to. When I get that thing, whatever it is, the relationship, the job, the money, something, then we have this fantasy of, like, perpetual. Like, we go off in the sunset and there's no more discomfort. And it's usually subconscious. We're not actually, actually, you know, saying those words to ourselves. But we have this. That's how we're approaching it. It's gonna be. When I get in that relationship, it's gonna be, like, total bliss and relief as opposed to. Well, no, there's gonna be a lot of pleasure and but then there also be new challenges, new uncomfortable conversations. In fact, I think the courage to have deep, uncomfortable conversations in a relationship are way scarier or way more uncomfortable or potentially way more destabilizing feeling than approaching someone that you're attracted to. Like, it's funny how, you know, at some point in my life, that was, like, terrifying. Oh, my God. How can I approach a woman? Ah. And I look at just, like, the units of discomfort of that inside of my own nervous system versus having a conversation with Candace that, you know, I know that we're going to work through everything, get to the other side of it, but, like, bringing that thing up and, like, okay, now. And sometimes it's a problem. Like, there's something that's bothering me. I don't even know what it is. And then our lives are making it hard to figure out a solution.

And.

And just the whole. The fear of all this is going to be. This is going to be scary is much greater, I'd say, than that. So there's no end. And so the solution is really to turn towards and embrace that as much as possible. Because then here's the thing, if you can. I love the metaphor of this. Just about two weeks ago, we were at the ocean on the coast of Oregon, and that water is just fucking cold all the time, apparently, because it was, like, August, and I was like, wait a minute. Why. Why is it. Does it get any warmer than this? This is, like, the hottest month of the year. And sure enough, it's just icy, icy water. And I would. I was going in with my kids because they're crazy little kids. They don't care. And I had my swim trunks on. I was kind of like, the water they only went up to, like, maybe. I don't know, the water sitting my knees. And then sometimes it would splash up and, like, hit my shorts and get my crotch wet. And I was like, it's. You know. And then at some point, I noticed what I was doing, and I was like, this is ridiculous. Like, what am I doing? So I said, all right, hold on, kids. I set them back on the shore, and I was like, okay, I'm going to go in. So I just, like, went into the water fully. And something was totally different when I did that, because when I was going in with them, I was kind of supervising them and holding their hands and. And it was different when I was going to go in the water, and I was like, I'm going in to submerge myself. And the way I move towards the water was totally Different. And the way that the cold felt against my body was different. And then of course, when I dove in fully, it was like this blast and this shock. And it's intense, but it actually feels incredible and invigorating. I mean, jumping in cold water always is, but especially at the ocean, it's amazing. Or, you know, like a boy body of water, a lake, a river. And I come out, I'm just like, whoa, I'm alive. And then I'm holding my hands with my boys, and the water doesn't bother me at all. So there's something about when you embrace discomfort, and it's like, I'm going to go into this. It changes everything. It gives you power. It changes the nature of the discomfort, and ultimately you get stronger in a way to where certain discomforts don't. You get on the other side of it, and then the discomfort doesn't have that same power over you anymore.

Yeah. Actually, a few months ago, I called coach Jonathan and I was telling him about something really embarrassing that I felt at the time in a dating situation. And I remember when I was telling him the story at the end of it, I was like, you know what? Yee haw. And just completely embracing the embarrassment and the discomfort and anxiety that was coming up. And like, that for me also was like, fully embracing it. Like, just throwing my hands up and saying, like, you know what? I'm in.

Yeah. And did it change something when you did that?

It did, yeah. Because I feel like a lot of people approach discomfort in that way. Like, oh, I don't know. I can't. No, I can't handle this. This is too much. And that makes it way worse because again, it, like, makes it so serious. And you're basically telling yourself that it's threatening to you when you do that versus when you're fully embracing it. Like you said, like, fully going into it. And whichever way that looks for you, like, whether it's really sitting with your feelings or like me kind of making a joke of it and throwing my hands in the air and saying yeehaw. That teaches me that I can handle it and that it's a positive thing that's happening in my life.

Yeah. That's the ultimate, true understanding of it. This is good for me. This is good for me. This, you know, this is. This is medicine. This is strengthening. You can think of it like a vitamin. This is making me better and in all the ways that I want to be, to be able to go into this. And you're absolutely right. Like, the more like Unguarded, we can be with the discomfort, the better. So, you know, if you're, like, cringy and kind of imagine going out to the water and your back's kind of towards the ocean and you're tiptoeing backwards, you don't have nearly the power that you would. And it's the same thing. If you're going to go into that uncomfortable conversation, you're like, okay, oh, gosh, I'm so nervous. I don't want to have this conversation with you. You're gonna get so upset when I tell you this thing. Oh, my God. And whether you're doing that literally with your words or your nonverbals or whatever, like, it's just that kind of bracing. You're trying to protect yourself and you're just getting more pain. And so you might as well fucking go straight into it. And that's the message that I would really. We're talking about with loving and embracing discomfort. It goes way beyond enduring it and it goes into taking it on, as Les Brown would say. He'd say take life on. And when you do, that's when your power emerges. So let's actually talk about how to turn this into action. Time for action. Action, Action. Your action step for today. Well, I got a basic one. And Amber, if you have a bonus one you want to throw in there, by all means. But my basic one, pretty obvious, but we need it, which is to go engage in discomfort. And small or big, I would actually recommend picking something intentional that you could have control over today. Like, one of my favorite forms of discomfort is a nice cold shower. That's a perfect one. But you can figure something similar to that. Physical challenge, or maybe something that Amber was describing. Asking someone out or something that you could do, or just even starting a conversation with someone, something that you have control over. And the goal is not just to do it. The goal is to see if you can do it and really imagine that, like walking straight out of the cold ocean water or some metaphor that helps you really take in, I'm going to go into this fully, and I'm not going to try to minimize it and avoid it. I'm just going in. And so whatever you pick, go in and experience what that's like and see how that's different. So that's my basic bonus. Amber D. Or basic action step. Did you have a bonus one that was coming to your mind?

Yeah, I think it'd be really great for people to consciously choose what their definition of success is and to make sure that that definition does not have resistance to negative emotion or discomfort built in. So don't make your definition of success to be happy all the time.

Yeah yeah, recipe. Recipe for lack of success and lack of happiness. Oh the irony. Oh humans. It's so good. Well I love talking about this with you. I find this energizing and inspiring so I look forward to more ways to embrace discomfort. As always, thanks Amber for sharing your insights and wisdom.

Thank you so much for having me on.

Beautiful. And until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, e books and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.