How To Overcome Not Feeling “Manly” Enough

Do you sometimes struggle with questioning if you're manly enough, if you are as good as other guys, if women would see you as a dominant, strong, attractive man? Or do you compare yourself a lot and feel like you're somehow weaker or lacking? In today's episode, you're going to learn how to break that old pattern and step into accepting yourself at a higher and deeper level than ever before.

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm excited to be with you here today because we're going to be diving into something that I think stops a lot of men from fully feeling confident in themselves, from fully being able to put themselves out there for you to put yourself out there in whatever ways you want to for dating and relationships, speaking up at work, creating your own business, increasing your sales and marketing, whatever it is that you want to do. There's this force that kind of holds us back, this little nagging thing in the back of our minds. And it's not even necessarily related to the thing that we want to do. It can have nothing to do with that. But what it relates to is inner confidence and inner self esteem. And that is this idea of being manly enough, being a man on some level, whatever we associate to that. And you know, this is the kind of thing where sometimes it might be right in your face. You might be walking around and noticing it all day long. Lots of comparison to other guys, oh, he's better looking, he's more attractive, he's more manly, Women like him more. He's more dominant in the meetings. You know, you might be doing that day in and day out, and if so, man, I'm glad you're listening today because you're gonna get a lot about how to break free from that. Or it might kind of be dormant, it might kind of just be in the background a lot of the time and you don't really notice it. It's not really that strong. But then something happens and all of a sudden you get this wave of a crushing feeling of not being manly enough. In fact, that's what was happening for me recently. That's why I wanted to record this episode is I've done a lot of work on this and the confidence to become more accepting of myself, to let go of a lot of ideas. And for example, when I was younger, I was constantly comparing myself to other guys. And I had a very clear idea about how a man was supposed to be. Specifically, he was supposed to be taller than I was and bigger and more muscular than I was, buffer than I was. And so I worked out, tried to get stronger. I did get stronger, but it was never enough because I wasn't getting any taller. I capped out at five, eight and a half, and I wasn't going to get a whole lot bigger. I didn't want to take creatine or other major supplements, or I was just like, I just want to be healthy. You know, I didn't really want to be this kind of super jock. And still I felt like I had to in order to be manly enough, in order to be. And then what does that mean, really? Well, that means to be worthwhile, to be valuable, to be valued and desired by women, and also to be valued and desired by society, by other men. And that's a belief that we carry. I. I gotta be manly enough. So I'm wondering, as I'm sharing that about when I was younger, where has that shown up in your life? Wanting to be manly enough, questioning if you were, and maybe you might want to look at what are some of the ideas I have about how a man should be, how I should be as a man, Just how I was looking at these physical features and thinking I could be stronger and buffer. And then, of course, what that led to is, well, the reason I'm not getting the response that I want from women or the reason that I'm not being accepted into these social groups or approved of by other guys is because I'm not tall enough and I'm not buff enough. So we feel bad about it, and then we kind of blame our situation on it, our stuckness on it, our social fears on it. And none of it's true anyway. So I did a lot of work on that, and I really don't believe that anymore. I really don't believe that all women want this sort of supermodel Men's health dude. And we'll get into that in a little bit. Actually, I don't know how to break free of that, if that's an idea that you have. But here's where I noticed it coming up kind of randomly in my life, is I went to the doctor for a naturopathic doctor. I don't know if you're familiar with them, but they're kind of like the hippie MDs. They'll look at your diet and your digestion and give you supplements, and they're not so much Hardcore into will cut you open and then give you a bunch of pharmaceutical pills. So there are different modalities. But anyway, I went to her just for general health, general checkup. Make sure I'm doing good. Because I believe our physical health has a huge impact on just our happiness and our life. Anyway, we're doing some blood work, and she just wanted to make sure everything was fine. And everything comes back pretty fine. My cholesterol was a little low, so she recommended I stop eating like such a sissy and eat a steak once in a while. Best suggestion from a doctor ever. Vitamin D was low. No problem. She's going through the list. I'm like, yeah, yeah, whatever. Low vitamin D. Okay, Take some supplements. And she's like, yeah, looks like your testosterone's a little low. And I was like, uh, what? And that was very different than your vitamin D is a little low. It's like, what? What? Testosterone is low? Because in my mind, immediately, that was like, so your vitamin D is low. Looks like you're not a real man and you're kind of a wuss. And, oh, your cholesterol's a little low too, right? It was just like. That's how my mind instantly interpreted it. It's like, not low testosterone, not a man. And I was shocked, really. I didn't even. I was. To the degree that it affected me, because I didn't even know that that was a trigger about not being manly enough, because it had never come up in my life before. And I actually didn't even know. Like, in that moment, I was kind of like, huh? And I asked her some questions, like, why is it low? How do you raise it? And all this stuff. And it was somewhat affecting me, but I wasn't fully aware of how much it was affecting me until I met up with my wife after that appointment. Met her and my son. We went out to dinner. And we're sitting there over dinner, she's like, how was your doctor's appointment? And so I started telling her about it and. And I got to the testosterone part, and she was really curious. She's like, oh, well, you know, why? And what did she say? And how about this? And how about that? And I noticed I got, like, crazy defensive. Like, why are you asking me so many questions, woman? Just fucking let me eat my dinner in peace. And that's when I realized, like, oh, shit. Like, I have a lot of shame around this. Like, I'm really embarrassed about this. It makes me feel like I'm not a man. So I talked about that with her because. And I hope this for you someday as well, you want to have a woman that, whether you're dating or whether it's your partner that you can talk about shit with. Because if you have to hide it, if you have to pretend like you don't feel it and it's not there, I mean, your relationship's going to suck, basically, because you can't be you. So I talked about it with her. I was like, wow, I notice I have all these ideas about what it means. So that sort of began this process, but. But then I realized there's a lot more to do. He's like, oh, wow, I gotta heal this shit up so I don't feel this way. I don't feel so messed up just because something out of my control is happening with my body. And that's what inspired me to record this version, this episode of the show is. I wanna. Whatever your thing is, whatever your testosterone is, maybe you don't have low testosterone. Maybe it's something else. Maybe you're losing your hair or you don't have the body shape that you want, or you don't assert yourself in every situation, or you don't close enough sales, or you don't date enough women, whatever your thing is that makes you go, ugh, I'm not a real man. If I was a real man, I would have told that guy to shut up when he was giving me a hard time. Or whatever you get down on yourself for about not being a real man. That's what this show is focused on and that's exactly what we're gonna dive into. In fact, I'm gonna take a quick break right now and. And then we're going to get into how to shift this, how to break free from that feeling that you're not manly enough. Because when you do, man, life gets a lot better and you just like yourself more. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

Okay, now it's my turn to talk. God, I'm so nervous. What was he saying? Okay, say something. Don't just sit here like an idiot. So what kind of work do you do? Tired of awkward conversations? Ready to master this area once and for all. Get yourself a copy of the Confidence Code, an all new updated version which teaches you how to maximize your self esteem and master all kinds of social interactions, from introductions to engaging conversations to jumping into groups. Go to YourConfidenceCode.com now to learn more.

Welcome back. So we're gonna dive in on how to heal this, how to Let this go. How to let go of this pressure on ourselves to be more manly. However we've defined that. There's two other things I just thought of, though, during the break that I wanted to bring up that are often triggers for guys to feel like they're not manly enough. One is having any sort of anxiety or fear. So if you're nervous before giving a public presentation, a sales meeting, you're nervous about speaking up in the meeting in the first place. You're nervous about leading a meeting, you're nervous about talking to her, you're nervous about whatever it is. There's this sense of like, oh, God, no one can see that I'm nervous because that's not manly enough. I'm weak and pathetic if I'm nervous. And that's a deep held belief that a lot of people that I work with have. And I know I had that for years, too. And so that can be a trigger of not being manly enough. And another huge one is sex and sexual performance. And do you get an erection? Can you maintain an erection? Do you lose the erection? Does the condom affect things? All that stuff can be such a massive trigger about not being manly enough. I have some great stories there that maybe I'll tell in another episode. But basically, anytime everything doesn't go exactly perfectly how we imagine it should go for any reason, then there's this wave of shame. God, I'm not manly enough. I'm terrible. I suck. So I just want to add those two in because you might relate to those. I know those are experiences that I've had. Both the anxiety and the sexual challenge at different times where it creates this sense of, I'm not a man. So this is all the triggers that I could think of in this moment. They're probably more. But how do we deal with this? Because it's one thing to notice, like, oh, wow, I feel like I'm not a man. But then we got to overcome that. We got to let that go. We got to free ourselves, we got to liberate ourselves. Because you don't want to walk around your whole life feeling like you're not manly enough. So let's talk about how to do that. I mean, the simple short answer, and this is what we're going to build on for the rest of our time together here today, is to love yourselves. The way out is to love ourselves. And to see right through this. To see right through it. And here's what it is. It is a mental construct. It is something that is created in our minds, actually it's not even created in our minds. It is absorbed by our minds from the world outside of us, from general society, from what people have said, from what that kid in middle school said, from what you watched in a TV show, from what you interpreted in a movie one time that you don't even remember. All of that comes together to form this idea structure in your head about how I should be and what's okay and what's not okay. And so the first thing we have to do is we have to see through that it isn't true. It is constructed. It's not a fact of life. It is made up. And then we have to decide, am I going to buy into that or not? Am I going to be a sort of unquestioning drone who absorbs what society teaches me and just follows along without even questioning it? Or am I going to liberate myself? Am I going to wake the fuck up and say, whoa, there's a lot of messed up stuff that we're taught, and it is my responsibility to reject the stuff that does not serve me, to reject the stuff that is not healthy. And there's a lot of ideas and concepts in our cultures that are not healthy. I mean, there's some great stuff in there too. But we all know that every culture's got some messed up shit, right? Whether it's like extreme aggression or this obsession with looking good and saving face, or always being on top and dominant. I mean, every culture's got its own kind of messed up stuff that we need to have our radar out for and say, you know what, I don't, I don't buy into that. And that's a really big thing. It's just, I don't buy into that. I was talking with a client who every time he went to the gym, he felt not manly enough. And I was like, oh, God, I relate to that, right? Because I look over there and there's a guy whose arm is freaking bigger than my leg and he's curling and looking down his bicep going, yeah, and I got my like, you know, 12 pound weight. And so you look over and you're like, oh, shit, I'm not, you know, I'm not manly enough. And then furthermore, I mean, in his case, it was like, and therefore, women in the gym aren't going to want to talk to me, you know, but it doesn't have to be about women, right? If you're not, if you're married or whatever and you're not looking at that, you can still feel not manly enough. Even if you're not going to talk to a woman there, it's just in general, I should be bigger, should be stronger. And the key there is just to not buy into that. And it's really a choice. You might say, well, I don't. How do you, how do you do? I can't. I have to buy into it, right? And that's just your brain staying in the familiar and you not realizing that you have choice. You have choice of what you want to buy into or not. So when you decide, hey, listen, I don't need to buy into that. I just want to take care of my health and take care of my body. I don't need to be a supermodel. And you know what? I'm gonna choose to not buy into the idea that every woman wants some men's health fitness guy. And guess what? That's true. Not every woman wants a guy like that. I mean, just think about that. Unless she is like that, why would she want a guy like that? Because they have totally different lifestyles. He's like always working out, always athletic, totally on his diet all the time. So unless she's like that. Think about that for a second. Really think about this. This will help you break free of that idea that I gotta be this superm buff guy in order to get a girlfriend or be attractive to women. I mean, just think about that. Like imagine you were with a woman and I mean, she looked great. She just awesome shape, beautiful body, right? At first you'd be like, yeah, that's amazing. And it also makes me look good to other people. Yeah, right. But then you can't go out to eat because she doesn't want to go to any places you go to. She always wants to work out and she's kind of on your case. Like, why aren't you working out more? I mean, wouldn't on some level she kind of be looking at you if you're not at the same level of fitness and be like, come on dude, what's going on with you? Wouldn't on some level she question what you eat too, right? She's kinda like, oh dude, why are you eating? So unless you're on the exact same path as her, it's probably gonna get old after a little while. And it's the same thing for a woman with a men's health fitness guy, right? It's like, we wanna, there's a match for everyone and you want to find the woman that's a match for you. And every woman does not want that it's just this concept of focusing on that external stuff. And if I could just help you, if you could just trust me. I don't need to keep explaining it. Just trust me and realize that it's not true. That's just some story you tell yourself to keep you safe from going over and just freaking talking to her. Because I was telling that client, he's like, oh yeah, I can't talk to him at the gym because there's buff guys there. I'm like, if you put me in a gym and said, you gotta get a date, you know, today, and I was just in the gym all day, I no doubt I could do it and just talk to every woman that was there and have a friendly conversation with her, flirt with her a little bit, be playful, challenge her, be interested in her and curious and then ask for her number. And I could be just how I am now. I mean, I think, I don't know, I'm in decent shape, can run a 10k and do some push ups, but I'm not Hercules and it doesn't matter because I don't buy into that anymore. And the less you buy into that, the more free that you'll be. So we're gonna take a quick break right now and then we're gonna jump into how to free ourselves even more. How to let go of this pressure to be more manly and how to really accept ourselves. And I'm gonna tell a little more about the testosterone story as well. So stay tuned. I'm gonna. We'll be right back after this.

If you wanted to walk up to an attractive woman and start a conversation with her, could you do it? Would you be nervous, awkward or afraid or how she might respond to you? That's a case that Dr. Uzi knows well, which is exactly why he is a perfect guide for breaking free. Learn how to build your self esteem and create rock solid confidence with women without using any strange script trips or pickup lines. Discover how to tap into your natural masculine confidence today by going to 30days to dating mastery.com.

Welcome back. So let's talk more about how to free ourselves from these toxic ideas. So when you feel that I'm not manly enough, what you're feeling is shame. The sense that there's something wrong with me, I'm somehow insufficient and therefore I'm not worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of belonging, worthy of acceptance. And I actually go deep into that in my book the solution to social anxiety, which if you haven't checked out, go get that. Get yourself an audio Version, you could hear me yammering on for six hours or the Kindle for like ten bucks. But just, I mean, read that. That will really help you. If this is the first time that you've come into contact with me, that's the best place to start because it's really low investment, really easy, and will give you just a massive amount of insight into what's going on for you and how to be free. But in there, we talk a lot about that shame, that not good enough thing. And, you know, so we have to learn how to heal that. And one of the more powerful ways to heal that is to a not buy in to the stories, tell us we suck, and then honestly, we got to talk about it. That is the fastest way out of shame is to talk about it with people that are good to talk to. Don't talk to your buddy who can't handle any emotions and just says, dude, man up and get a drink. You know, Find someone who actually can talk about shit like this, that's real, and then talk to them about it. Like, so what I did is I got a buddy who's a personal trainer. And so I didn't want to do this. I really didn't. I wanted no one to know. I wanted no one to know that I was this not man who didn't have testosterone. But I was like, you know what? I know that covering up shame only makes it fester and worse. And I got to, what if I didn't believe that this meant anything bad about me? What if I didn't buy into it at all? Well, then I'd text my buddy who's a personal trainer and be like, hey, what are some natural ways to increase testosterone? And so we got into a conversation about it and we talked about it, and there's a part of me was like, oh, God, I'm so uncomfortable. Shitty. But whatever. You gotta put it out there with people, not with everyone, because maybe there's someone who's gonna make it worse by making fun of you, but you want to find someone who you can trust, who has earned the right to hear you reveal more about yourself, to be more authentic, but you gotta take the risk. So a close friend and I talked about it with several people because partly to get their thoughts, but partly to do exposure work, to, like, not buy into the BS stories. And check this out. I'm recording a freaking podcast. It's going out to thousands of people. I mean, hey, how's that for revealing? But that's how much I don't buy into this stuff. As soon as I realized I was buying into it, I was like, oh, that's. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to live that way. And that's what I'm hoping to inspire you to do as well, is to not live that way. To decide right now, in this moment, as you're listening, look, change does not happen in the future. Someday it happens right now. Like, now, as you're listening to me, you can decide, hey, I'm not going to buy into that stuff. I'm going to accept myself for who I am. I don't need to be anymore. And sure, emotions might come up. You might falter. I'm not saying that this decision eliminates all of those feelings, but it does shift something in you and the way that you relate to those feelings when they do come up. You see what I'm saying there? So when you make that decision right now, something really powerful can shift in your life. You know, the funniest thing, though, about the testosterone thing is so I started eating more butter and red meat. I increased my vitamin D, got my cholesterol back to normal because I'd been eating such weird hippie raw vegetables and stuff that I think it was lowering the cholesterol. But so I did that. And then I went and got checked out later and everything was back into the normal range, still on the lower end of the normal range. So I went, not ultra testosterone, but at least it was back into the normal range. And I was like, great, okay, it means I'm healthy. There's nothing wrong. But I was so glad that that happened because it highlighted this whole thing. And it helped me just realize that I still have this stuff to work on, like we all do, and it helped me want to record this for you guys. So I'm excited to hear what this does. And you can always stay connected with the show. Go to facebook.com SocialConfidence that's where we're doing everything now on Facebook. You can also go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and share. Leave a message. Tell me about what you learned, your experience, and for today, before we go, we gotta end with your action step. Time for action. Your action step for today is simple. You might have already guessed it, but it's to. Okay, there's two options. One is to find one of the stories about how you should be more manly. One facet of it, like a real man should do, blank. Just find one of those standards or expectations you have for yourself and decide right now to drop that shit, to not buy into it and use your force, use your will, use your strength to say, you know what? A real man is not going to buy into that. That bs. A real man thinks for himself. And I'm not going to choose to absorb some toxic idea. So that's one option. Option B is share it. Find someone that you can talk to about this challenge and see if you can get them. You know, have an interesting discussion about how not to buy into it. Because most likely they might be struggling with something like that or similar as well. Trust me, everyone is. So those are your options. It's a multiple choice action step for today. So go ahead and get out there and take that action step because that's what's going to set you free. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to Social Confidence center dot com.