How To Quickly Make The Friends You Want With Paul Sanders (Part 2)

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Azeez.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. I'm Dr. Azies and we're going to be diving deeper into into how to create the friendships that you really want. The friendships that are exciting and fun and nourishing for you, the ones where you want to spend time with that person, you are looking forward to it. It's fun. They make you laugh, they listen to you and you do the same for them. And it's awesome. And maybe you've experienced something like that in the past in your life, but you don't have it now. Like you had that experience in high school or college, but you don't now. You're working a lot and you move to a new city or just things have drifted and you just don't have those connections or something has happened and you're missing that. Or maybe you've never had that. Maybe you've never had those deep, awesome, fun connections. Either case, you're in the right place because we're going to be diving deeper into my interview with Paul Sanders. We're going into we learned some of the habits last week. We know how to start building your social habits, habits and social life. Now we're going to look at, okay, when you go to these places, how do you talk with people? How do you connect with them? How do you create great conversations and how do you turn those into friendships? So you can really leave today's episode with some actionable steps that you're going to take or habits that you're going to apply over time to create a thriving social life. It's absolutely possible. And Paul's got some great insights about that as well as some inspiring stuff he shares at the end of the interview. So stay tuned for the whole thing. You'll get a ton of. And we're going to dive right back into that right now.

Expert interview.

Good. And so, okay, so I'm going, as I say, I found I really agree with this. There's something that really changes in our energy too, when we're going somewhere that we're already interested in something that we, you know, I remember I lived in a city and I wanted to make new friends. And there was this bookstore in the downtown area, which was kind of near my house that would have at least once a week, but maybe even twice a week they'd have like free or really cheap, like Little trainings or classes by some book authors or on certain topics ranging from health to personal growth to just random hobbies. And anytime there was something interesting to me, I would go to that little training and there'd be sometimes eight people there, sometimes 40 people there. And when you're already going to a place because you're interested in it, then it's just so much easier to meet people, to connect with people, to talk with people. So I think you're versus like I'm going to go to a random bar that's not even that fun for me just because there's people there.

Sure. So look, the easiest way to make friends is go to a place. Like you're saying, go to a place where others are also out to to meet new people. You know what I'm saying? That's another reason, because people go to these events expecting to meet you. So why go to a public place where it's harder? Nobody's expecting to meet new people. It doesn't make sense.

So let's say I go to this event and then I want to, because it is possible to go to event, hang out in the back, you know, look busy on my cell phone, and then scurry out as soon as it's over and not talk to anyone. So how can I show up in a way, what habit do I need to bring there that's going to help me really connect with people, to set up the groundwork for a friendship? Sure.

So there is another reason why I really emphasize to my readers to stick with places where others are also there to meet new friends. And that reason answers your question. That reason is that it's like a rule of thumb, only go to places where it would be very appropriate to walk up to somebody and just introduce yourself. Okay. So you can't do that in a bar, you know, unless it's a really friendly bar or really friendly restaurant. You only can do it if it's appropriate and expected. So people expect you to walk up and introduce yourself and make conversation. So when people expect you to do that and it's expected, appropriate, natural, it's much easier to just mix up with people and introduce yourself. So I think that that is the bit and that is one another important reason why you should go to these friendly semi private places. So I think that you should just do that. You know, just go to places where it's easy to just introduce yourself.

Right. And then walk up to people and, and simply introduce, like, hey, I'm Aziz. Who are you?

Yeah, exactly. That's it you do that and then the first thing that I'm going to give you a few techniques that help you get the ball going. The first thing you can talk about is exactly the theme of the event. So if you're going to a bookstore where they are organizing a training, first of all, you introduce yourself and you say something about the environment. You can say, for example, I really like this training, or the author is late or something, I don't know. It's something related to the context where you are something that both of you can observe. Something like the environments.

Okay, sure. It's great. It's an immediately shared experience.

Exactly.

You both can relate to.

After that, you can ask the other person about their, their relationship to that context. So if it's a training about something, maybe something about psychology, you ask them what's their relationship to psychology? Have they, you ask, so have, have you always did stuff like this? Or you can say, is it, is this your first time doing something like this? And that's, get, that gets the ball started. You know, that's, that gets the, the conversation started. Because both of you know that that's, both of you are interested in that topic. And it's a very appropriate question that anybody would be happy to, to share. So if it's a meetup group about, I don't know, kayaking, I don't know, you know, I'm just thinking of random things. If it's about some kind of sport like kayaking, kayaking or going to the outdoors, you ask the person, have you always did this? Are you a beginner, are you an expert, blah, blah, blah. And they'll, they'll be happy to share their, their relationship to that context of the event. When they do that, you also need to share yours really fast. You don't need to say, you know, you don't need to talk about in, you don't need to give a lot of details. You're just starting the conversation. So you just talk about your relationship to that context. And if you don't mind, I want to give you another example.

Sure.

And because I also, I also advise people to go to private parties. And the ultimate private party is a birthday of somebody you know. And that's probably the easiest way to meet new people is go to the birthday of somebody you know. And the first question that you can ask to talk to anybody there is just introduce yourself and ask them how they know the person who is having a birthday. Okay, so it's the birthday of Alex. You say, how do you know Alex? That's it, you know.

That'S great. That's a great tip. The birthday parties. Because even if you're kind of new, maybe there'll be like someone at work has a birthday party and then there's a, there's a bunch of people coming together for a birthday party. That's usually kind of a broader sense. Like people invite some people from work to their party, they invite some friends, they might invite some family. So there's a whole lot of new people there. And it's an environment where people don't expect you to know each other and everyone is kind of meeting each other. And then you have this shared focus of you all appreciate Alex, and it's a great way to start the connection. And let's say you're in the conversation, whether it's in the bookstore or the birthday party. How do you Talk? In your 12 step guide on how to make friends at your site, get thefriendsyouant.com go there and subscribe. But you talk about having great conversations and how do you take it from how you know Alex or that sort of thing to a great conversation? From what you've seen, what makes a great conversation? We're going to pause for one quick moment and then dive back into the interview with Paul Sanders.

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A great conversation to me is something that a conversation where both of you are sharing information about your lives and also sharing the emotional side of it. So you're not just sharing data and information, but you're also talking about emotions and opinions. Okay, so it goes from the simplest things, like if you have lived in a few states and cities and maybe you would exchange your opinions about these cities. That's one thing the emotions. Other things are like exchanging stories and adventures that happen to you. Even if it's the first time you meet a person, you could have a few minutes to talk about, you know, some stories that happened to you. And the more personal it gets, the better the conversation. It just, it just should not go too far. You shouldn't go and share things that are too personal too soon. So that's that's, for me, that's a good conversation. Is that you first, you. You exchange information, you exchange opinions, and maybe something that has to do with emotion. And also you share stories. And of course, you find things in common. That's. That's a big. That's a big element of making friends. So you could, you could actually, theoretically, you could have a great conversation and not become friends. But if you really need. If you really want to have friends, you need to find things in common.

Yeah, and that's great. That resonates in my experience with what makes a great conversation. And let's say you have that with someone. How do you convert that into an ongoing friendship with someone where they actually become. Sometimes people ask like, well, how do I. Like what? When do we become friends? So how do you take it from that one conversation to an ongoing relationship?

Okay, well, I just wanted to go back a little. So first of all, we were talking about the first thing to do to start the conversation, and then you asked about how to have a great conversation. I just want to give people a little tip about how to transition from talking about the context to talking about their life. So that. That's a missing piece. Just wanted to add that. So that's how you transition, I think, to having a good conversation, from talking about the context to talking about their life and your life and your stories and their stories. And actually that bridge is. It happens naturally because. Because when you talk to someone new, you say you. You ask about what their relationships to, for example, to Alex or to psychology, they will start to tell you how it happened. And when they start to tell you how it happened, it's like a story. They're already giving you the story of their life, you know, so all you had to do is ask why they did this, why they took this, this. For example, if they said, three years, three years ago, I came to Portland, Oregon, you say why? It's a great tip. You should remember to ask, okay, why did you go to Portland? Or what's brought you here? Or something? And that gives you stories. Because people start to share stories if you ask them why. Of course, you also need to share your personal stories, too. And that's how you transition to a good conversation. Okay, so now I can answer a question about how to bring that. How to transition from having a conversation to having a friendship. Okay, so for. As I said, finding things in common is a very important thing. As I said, it's. It can only. It can be. It can be a shared interest. It can be a shared Industry, maybe your work in the. In the same area or something. It can also be just intellectual. It can be just opinions. You have the same opinions. You have the same outlook on life. And that's what you should pick up on, I think. So you should ask people where they go out for fun or that those things bring opportunities for finding things in common. So the more you talk, that's, that's why I think people should just. You know, very often people underestimate the power of small talk. They want to brush it off and tell you that they, they're tired of having small talk. They just want to have interesting conversation conversations. And I say that that's, that's a. I don't, I don't think that's the right thing to do. You need small talk. And small talk is talking about going from subject to subject to subject to subject without getting too deep in any of those subjects. And the reason you do that, the reason you go from subject to subject to subject and stay superficial, is because you're going to touch a lot of subjects and that's what's going to help you find the things in common. Does that make sense or am I talking too much?

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You want to find the one that lights both of you up and then there's a connection, there's an energy to it. The last thing you want is to just be drilling down in something that either bores you or bores them, and then it's not going to be a great conversation and, and it's not going to want to lead to you guys hanging out again in the future.

That's right. So I'm not against very interesting conversations. I'm just saying leave them for later when you're just meeting the person. Cover a lot of ground so you know all the possible and potential things in common that you may have with them. So that's why I'm saying keep going from subject to subject to subject and story from. And cover a lot of ground so you know what you can connect on. So finding things in common is a very important thing.

Okay, that's great. And we just have a little bit more time, so I'd love to get to. I mean, I think there's probably so much here, and I know in your 12 step guide, there's a lot. So if you're listening right now and you're like, wait, I want to know more about the conversations and the transitions. There's a ton on Paul's site, so go dive deeper. I want to Keep the kind of broad stroke going here and say, okay, great conversation. How do I connect with that person and make it an ongoing thing. We're going to pause here for just one more quick moment, and then we're going to dive into the conclusion of the interview with Paul Sanders where he talks about some really interesting stuff about the research around loneliness and why it is more important than ever to take charge and break free of anything that's stopping you from creating the friendships and the social life that you absolutely want. Stay tuned. We'll dive back in right after this.

Have you heard about optimal self coaching? It's what Aziz teaches all of his private and group coaching clients. It helps you completely transform the way you talk to yourself in your own mind so you can instantly start feeling more confident, be more comfortable around others, and guide yourself to greater levels of career and relationship success. To learn exactly how to transform your inner Coach, go to YourConfidenceCode.com to get your copy today.

Okay, so. Okay, I'm just going to try to be fast now because so we don't, we don't take too much time. So when you find things in common, when you start to see where you connect with the things you have in common with people, I think you should go even more and find what I call hook points. Hook points. And these mean why I call them hook points, because these are like a promise in the future that you could possibly hang out. Okay, so, for example, if you, if both of you are interested in psychology, you're probably going to talk about your favorite authors, your favorite books, your favorite topics in psychology. So of course a hook point is like taking that thing in common that you have that's common interest and saying that, hey, maybe I should. Maybe next time I bring, I'll bring a book, that book I talked to you about and I give it to you. Maybe I can. I think it will interest you, you know, so it's like a promise in the future of hanging out. Okay, I'll give you another example. For example, if you ask someone, where do you like to hang out? Maybe they're. They're going to talk about a restaurant that they like lots. Maybe they have great wine or great steak or something. You say, yeah, yeah, I go there from time to time. I really like, I really like that restaurant, too. And you say something like, well, maybe we, we will bump into each other sometime in that restaurant. So I don't know, maybe we should stay in touch. You know what I'm saying? So do you, do you get it, Aziz?

Yeah, I love that. I think that's. That's great. Is suggesting something that you could do. That's. Yeah, you know, I sometimes go, even if I feel a really strong connection with the person, I might be even more explicit, like, oh, that sounds great, we should totally go get a meal there sometime. I'd love to do that.

Go ahead, go ahead.

And that will, you know what that does is if you're feeling the connection and you want to be more vulnerable in that way, really kind of show where you're at that in a way, I think often gets a great response because people on some level then like, oh, this person likes me. Oh, cool. And then they might start to open up more or be very enthusiastic about the idea of going to this restaurant or watching that movie or whatever it might be.

And you said a very important word, which is suggesting. Because I can do like you do. I can suggest to people more explicitly to go out. I have no problem with that. And if they say, oh, I'm leaving in town, blah, blah blah, I don't care, you know, I don't have a problem. But many people can't. Are not used to having that much guts. Seriously. So a lot of people will, will hesitate to go that explicit. So that's why I'm suggesting that they suggest something in the future and not ask for it. So this is like getting what you want without asking. So they would just say, hey, maybe we will meet in the future because we both go to that place or we both do that same activity. So maybe sometime we would, we would bump into each other or maybe we should go together sometime. Hey, who knows, you know? So you keep it open.

Yeah, sure.

And when you do, when you do that, then you watch what they do, you watch their reaction.

So testing the waters.

Exactly, exactly. So it's a safe way to suggest.

And if they grimace in like horror, then you simply say, yeah. So how do you know? Alex?

Yeah, forget about it. I mean, I was just suggesting. I didn't say anything. You can't reject me.

I didn't ask.

No, it's impossible. It's rejection free. That's why I say that. Okay, so exactly. You got it. It depends on their reaction. If they say, sure, we should do that, give me your number, blah, blah, blah, then it's easy. You didn't even have to ask if they are hesitant. Well, maybe you can just stay in touch via Facebook or something and wait for some time that they are, they are more open and then go out or not, who cares? But that's that's the way you, you get it. You go forward and that's what goes to the, that's what takes you to the place of, of exchanging contact information. When you do that, of course, your next Tuesday or next Wednesday, that, that reminder, that a reminder will pop up in your, in your phone or on your computer and it will say social time. And then you'll say, oh, okay, I met that person last Friday. Now it's time to talk to them. So that's how you, you. That's why I was emphasizing on habits. So it becomes like a cycle.

Sure. Fantastic. I mean, I feel like there's still so much that we could be exploring and so much more and given our time. I'm just going to ask one last question which is, you know, and there's more about how to really create the ongoing connection and deepen the friendship. And again, I'm going to encourage people to dive deeper into Paul's teachings, to really learn all those secrets. But just from a step back, if you could give sort of a piece of advice or encouragement to someone who really wants to create a better social life, really get the friends that they want, what would you steer them towards? What would you suggest? What, what piece of encouragement or advice do you have for them?

I would say that there is really no reason for them to be, to be lonely. It's really, it's a very dangerous place. You shouldn't be there and you shouldn't do that to yourself. It's not, it's not a joke. You know, loneliness is very dangerous. If I think you read on my website about the dangers of, of loneliness and scientists try are just starting to find some horrible facts about loneliness. I don't think anybody should do that to themselves. It's a really hard thing to do. It's serious. It can be one thing that it does to you. It's bad for your health, first of all. Second of all, your struggles in your life will leave a bigger scar in your, in you emotionally if you're lonely compared to if you have friends. So the person that is social and socially connected can deal with problems much more easily because they flush out that stress when they meet friends. Okay? When you're lonely, you, you're the only one who deals with that. So it leaves a bigger mark on you. So I'm just saying, look, take this seriously. Loneliness is not a joke. You shouldn't stay lonely for too long, okay? Snap out of it. Do whatever it takes and don't let it consume you. You deserve better. That's what I'm saying, you deserve better. And there are a lot of solutions for any problems. If you have a shyness problem, I mean, Aziz gives you all the advice you can need. And just from my website, just from the articles, you can learn a lot about where to go, how to talk, how to have conversations. There's a lot of things you can do. And granted, society is not going to encourage you to. To make friends, but you should be proactive about it and as I said, build the habits and do something about it because I think you really deserve it. I think nobody deserves to be lonely. And as I said, if you go, if you go back 10 years ago, we didn't know what being introverted meant. Now we know what it means. Introverted does not mean that you're antisocial. Introverted does not mean that you are shy. Introverted just means that you need. You like spending more time alone compared to being social. So if you ask me, I am an introverted guy. And my friends don't believe that because. Because when I go out with them, I'm very social. But I spend a lot of time alone. I work alone, I work from my house, I really work alone. I work from coffee shops. So don't believe those stigmas about being introverted.

I think that's awesome stuff and it's inspiring. And you're absolutely right. There is a solution. So if you're feeling lonely right now, if you're disconnected, if you don't have the friends that you want, there are ways to break free. And it's just life is what you were talking about. The research showing it's just a lot better when we have people that we're sharing regularly with, friends, people we're close to, people we love. And absolutely get out there and create that you can. And the person that can help you really do that is Paul. So Paul is the best place if people want to get in touch with you about the way you're coaching and learn from you. Is it through the getthefriendsyouwant.com website?

Yeah, that's the main website. That's the only website I have.

Great. Okay, so go there. I will have a link below. And thank you so much, Paul, for sharing your wisdom and your insights about creating friendships.

Thank you, Aziz. I really enjoyed this. Thank you for the opportunity. I really had fun talking to you.

That brings us to the end of the interview and the end of the episode. Save one part, which is your action.

Time for action.

Your action step this week is to do one of the things that Paul suggests, I mean, there's dozens, right? But pick one and do it. So go to some place that has a mutual interest where you can interact with people. Find that, get that on your calendar, book it, make it a reality. And then when you go there, find at least one person and experiment with just starting the conversation about the environment. Remember the example of the birthday party? How do you know Alex or whatever the environment is. I had a client recently who was wanting to be more social and decided he wanted to go to church. Again, not a particularly spiritual religious guy, but he just wanted to be around people and that's fine. So when he goes to church at the end, he can walk up to someone and be like, so how long have you been coming here? Or how long have you been part of this church? Just using the environment. And then you can start to deepen in the ways that Paul suggests. So phenomenal stuff.

Again.

If you want to dive deeper into Paul's teachings, go to getthefriendsyouwant.com getthefriendsyouwant.Com and and I am excited to hear about how this works for you. Share. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com or facebook.com SocialConfidence and share about your experience, what's working, what's not working. I'm here to support you and I'm curious to hear about everything that's working for you. And man, tell us about the awesome friends that you create and the awesome experiences that you have. I can say, hands down, having great friends and great experiences with friends is one of the most rewarding experiences in life. And I want that for you. So until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. And talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

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