How To Remain Confident While Blushing

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about blushing. Oh, yes. And I want you to, if you're a fan of the show and you're like, wait a minute, I don't know if I want to listen about blushing. Maybe you were even sure if you wanted to click on this episode. Here's why this is relevant to everyone because we're going to be talking about is not blushing from a physiological or medical perspective. And here's, you know, three treatments to neutralize your blushing reflex. What we're going to be talking about is the psychology of blushing and how to work with this symptom with confidence, with self, love, with acceptance, and to release the social anxiety and fear that could be making it worse. And so even if you don't experience blushing that often or it's not an issue for you, what other symptom of anxiety arises that you don't like? Whether it's your eye contact gets shaky, your voice is stammery, you can't think of the things that you want to say, your mind goes blank, you aren't funny, you're stiff and kind of awkward. In your presentation with people, whatever it is, however it's manifesting for you, this is relevant. So this is going to be valuable for you and all of us around self acceptance, working with something that feels like it's out of our control, patience with acceptance in the process of overcoming an anxiety symptom. This is gonna be relevant for everyone. And of course, if you have an issue with blushing, this will be especially valuable for you. So let's dive right in. Do you have issues with blushing? I remember there's a client that I worked with who was a younger man. He's probably in his young, maybe late 20s, but he was younger in the industry he was in. He was in the banking industry and he landed himself a pretty high profile job and kind of like Assistant to the higher up in some major banking institution. And so he'd go follow this guy around and help him out and learn from him. And I mean, amazing opportunity for the growth of his career. At the same time, he's showing up to meetings often and kind of sitting there silently. And the meetings are all, you know, he's like a 28 year old Asian American guy and this room is full of like, you know, nine 50 to 60 plus year old white dudes. And so he's in there and he's like, I don't fit in. I'm not smart enough. I hope no one calls on me. Oh my God. You know, sort of an imposter syndrome thing going. Even though he was very intelligent and the guy hired him and he was doing good work, it's just, you know, that's our stuff, right? So his stuff's coming up and on top of that, blushing. And he had so much fear blushing. Oh my gosh, what if I blush in this meeting? What if people see that I blush? Oh my gosh, I better not blush. Now here's the issue. Number one with blushing is fear of blushing. And this is some cosmic joke that seems to have been set up or maybe it's a cosmic gift for our own growth, I'm not sure which one, maybe both. But that we have this thing that we're afraid of happening and, and then the more we trip ourselves out about it happening, the more likely we are to bring it about. And I know this one firsthand. While blushing has not been a major symptom of anxiety for me, I've had a variety of others and one I think is very similar in this regard is actually around sex and erections for men. So I had a period where there was a woman that I was dating. This is the first woman that I, I'd say I really dated and fell in love with. After an initial confidence transformation, I learned how to approach women. I was growing in that regard and I felt my confidence growing. And then I remember, you know, we were having sex and it was like the first time I'd had someone. I think I had sex a few times before her, but it was never like consistently with the same person. And you really get to know each other and have a sexual relationship. It was amazing. But I remember something happened and there was this one time where I was not able to sustain an erection. Kind of lost my erection during sexual. And I was like, what is this? What's happening? And I got really nervous about it. I was like, oh my God, what does that mean? What's wrong with me? And more than, like, I thought there was something medically wrong with me, it was more like, oh, what does this mean about me as a man? You know, I was like, 20 or 21 years old. So I had a. I mean, people can have this at any age, but I had a very simplistic idea of what sex was and what masculinity was. You know, it's like a man is someone who's ready for sex anywhere, anytime, with anyone, and he's, you know, two feet long and hard as steel, right? And that wasn't happening. And so I remember the next time we were gonna be intimate and have sex, I felt a lot of anxiety about it. Oh, my gosh, I hope I don't. And it was like this thing in the background, and actually, it ended up creating a thing where sometimes I would fear that I would lose my erection, that I would start to. And it kind of became an issue where before it wasn't. If you ever had anything around ed. Erectile dysfunction, you can relate to this, that you get in your head about it. It trips you out. And I know clients that I've worked with that go so far as to take a Cialis or Viagra type drug every time before sex just to make sure that doesn't happen. There's one client I was working with who did that when he was dating. And from my perspective, I was like, maybe there's a better approach, because, one, I mean, you're taking that medicine all the time. Is that necessarily optimal for your body? And two, he didn't have any medical issue. And even that medical issues might be addressed through diet changes and other things, but for him particularly, there was nothing causing that other than his own anxiety. And so for me, from a dedicated to liberating ourselves through confidence, I was like, well, maybe we could work on that and help you feel less anxious and more confident. And sure enough, there was a ton of stuff and we started digging in there that would make him really anxious about sex. And here's the thing about this. I'm going down this route because it's the same thing with blushing. The issue is not not having an erection. The issue is not your face getting red. The issue is not you sweating or whatever the symptom is for you. The issue is the shame you feel when that occurs and the fear you feel about the shame. Let me break that down again, because you really get it. The issue is not the thing. It's not the face getting red. It's not the physical manifestation, the issue with the problem that you need to solve. Because so much of the time we focus on solving the problem. I gotta solve the physical problem, but that's not the real problem. I remember this guy, this young man that was in the banking industry I was telling you about earlier. He had researched and was like, hovering on making the decision to do a surgery that would go in and like, clip something in his nervous system to prevent blushing on his face. And I was like, you know, I don't know all the ins and outs of that surgery. I'm not a medical doctor, I'm a love doctor. But I think there's a better way. I mean, you know, don't you want to exhaust all other options before you do? Like a hardcore. Like, are there other side effects of that? Would that affect other aspects of your physiology? Would that have negative repercussions in your health long term? And he's like, I don't know. It's a solution to my problem. Right? Just like Cialis is a solution to this other client's problem. Just like if you're losing your hair and you want to take a pill to get more hair, that's quote, solving the problem. But the problem is not lack of hair. The problem is the sense of shame you feel about having less hair. So I really want to hammer that point home, because that's where liberation is. Because you could be chasing solutions and there might not be solutions for blushing. At least the ones that you want are ones that don't have major side effects. So then we really gotta look at solving the real problem. Solving at its root, which is the shame. That's one aspect. The sense of unworthiness, of less than, of inferior, of unlovability, unhira ability. I'm not respectable, I'm not attractive if I'm blushing to the opposite sex or people I'm attracted to, but same sex, I. I'm not worthy in my career. In fact, I asked that young man in the banking industry, I said, what do you imagine people would think if they saw you blushing? And he'd say, well, they think I was weak, that I was nervous, that I couldn't hack it in this industry. So that brings us to the other aspect of the problem, which is there's the shame and then there's this cloud of fear, this worry and anticipation that can lead up to it and this rumination afterwards that makes it this huge deal. Because sure enough, our inferiority and our weakness and our unlovability and our lack of success is revealed to everybody in this moment of my blushing and that with that interpretation, that meaning of it, then of course we're scared. Of course we're scared of that meeting. Of course we're scared of that date. Of course we're scared of being seen or in front of a group, because what do people saw? So the solution is we got to go straight at that shame, straight at the core of it, and get to a place of more self acceptance, more peace and neutrality about this physical symptom. And it's the same thing with pretty much any other physical symptom, especially the erectile dysfunction stuff. In fact, that's one of the approaches, the psychological approaches to the treatment of erectile dysfunction. And so, I mean, the way that would look is like, oh, I'm noticing that I'm losing my erection. Okay. Oh, I'm noticing that I'm blushing right now. Okay. You know, to the point where like, oh, I notice I'm hungry right now. Okay. Or, I notice that I need to go pee right now. Okay. Right. It's just another physiological thing that you notice. Now, you might have a ton of shame about needing to pee or a ton of shame about being hungry. I don't know. But most people don't. And sometimes if there's an eating disorder going on, you might have some of that around being hungry. But usually it's more focused on your body image and how much you ate and all that stuff. But for the most part, I'm just trying to pick some physiological symptoms that are not that big of a deal for most people. And so can blushing become that for you? And I would suggest that in order to be truly free and to have the highest level of confidence, that's the place you need to find yourself, too, with any physical symptom. I mean, ultimately, my goal is unconditional self worth, which means that no matter what changes occur in my body or in my life, I'm okay with myself. I love myself. I'm on my own side. So if I lose hair or if I gain weight or if I lose a body part or I'm not able to be functional, you know, if I get older, it changes wrinkles. Everything, everything is like, okay, that's happening now. Now, that might be easier said than done, especially around blushing, because this client that I spoke with, and maybe you think this too is like, wait a minute. Because of course, I suggested this idea with him and he heard me out, and he's like, this is what I'm paying you for. Waste of my time. Gonna go get that surgery, get my face sweat tube snipped. But he was like, he heard me out and he's kind of like, yeah, but here's the thing. In that meeting, that is how I would be perceived. I would be perceived as weak and not able to hack it and they would respect me less. And that is a problem for my career. Okay? And I just took a step back and looked at it and I said, are you sure? Are you 100% sure that everyone would perceive it that way? Are you 100% sure that everyone would notice? And his answer was pretty quick. It was a, yeah, but I could hear there's a little bit of hesitation. And you know, he might not have been totally receptive at that time, but maybe you are. And are you sure everyone would notice? 100% sure. And then even if they did notice, are you 100% certain that you can read people's minds? Because we humans have this really funny thing that we do called projection, where we cannot read the mind of another person. I mean, we can guess, we can have really good empathy. Some people might have some sort of more sixth sense or psychic ability to tune into people. I don't know. There's, there's a whole realm there. But in general, day to day life, the idea that you know exactly what someone's thinking and you're 100% accurate, I'd question that. I'd say that you might have a guess and maybe your guess is better or worse, but it's still a guess. The only person that knows what's going on inside of their conscious experience of thoughts and sensations and feelings is that person. And so what we do is we'll take our own internal experience because that's the only thing that we can really know and we project it out onto others. So you have this judgment that says I'm weak and I can't hack it because I'm blushing. That's what that means. That's what I think that means. Part of me thinks that that's what that means. That's the conclusion I've come to on it. And I'm going to project that out onto the minds of others. And I know that they're thinking it. And over doing this work for many years, I mean, this kind of projection doesn't just apply to blushing. This applies to everything. Right? You know, people think that I'm an imposter, people think that I'm an idiot, people think that I'm ugly. Whatever it is, I'm not lovable. So the level of certainty to which you have that that's coming from them out there is not related to how accurately it's coming from out there. In fact, usually the more certain people are, the more it's a project. And this is like the challenge of working with people on some of this stuff, because it's like, it's almost like a delusion. And if you ever tried to convince someone who's delusional, and maybe you haven't, I don't know, but I did have in my clinical days do some work with people that were in delusional states. And one of the things they taught us to work with people that were in a delusional state is don't spend time, like, trying to convince someone that their delusional reality is a delusion. Right? And because to them it's not. And. And Jesus, who knows? Maybe it's not. Maybe they're seeing something way beyond what we see. I don't know. But in any case, trying to convince someone like, no, no, you're just imagining that it's a projection. You don't really know. They're like, screw you. How dare you challenge my reality? This is so. And the only person who can really undermine it and question it and start to let it go is you. No, me or no one else can convince you otherwise. It's gotta be an inquiry, a self inquiry, and saying, is that really true? Is that really true? And not like you're just asking to reconfirm your shitty story that makes you feel bad, but you really want to find out the truth. And here's the thing. The issue is how this young banker saw himself. The issue is how you see yourself. So you're loading the blushing with all this stuff, but it doesn't mean all that stuff. Here's the thing, blushing means I'm weak, I'm anxious, I can't hack it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blushing might not mean any of that. That's the meaning that you're giving it. What if blushing doesn't mean anything? What if blushing is a passing phenomenon, like breath, like hunger, like the need to use the bathroom? It's just a phenomenon that moves through you because here is the path to liberation. If you can open to that possibility, then what this allows you to do is drop the fear around the blushing. Oh, okay, there's blushing. And start to let go of the shame around the blushing. And then when it's just a thing that happens and you're okay with it happening, all of a sudden it stops happening. Or it's very Transient. And it becomes not noticeable or it's a non issue. And with erectile dysfunction, I noticed this. I mean, this. So, you know, flash forward many years, I'm in a relationship with Candace. We've been together for, I don't even know, almost nine years at this point. Eight or nine something. And that'll sometimes happen. Or it's like, you know, with the chaos of life and kids and dogs and, you know, sometimes our sex opportunities are like, okay, we got eight minutes, let's go. And you know, who knows what was going on before then, but I might not have been like all ready and rocking and horny and it's just kind of like, what? I was just doing dishes. Okay. Oh, I'm in the bedroom now. Okay, here we go. And my body's like, what's happening? I'm not eating, you know, and then I'll be like, I gotta get aroused right now. And I could feel that same old anxiety, same old shame stuff lurking in the corners from, you know, 15 years before and probably even before then, whenever I picked it up when I was younger. And so we have a thing that we've actually talked about in a relationship to heal and release this shame, which is, look, if we have an opportunity to be intimate like that, let's just get naked and be together. Get naked and lay on top of me, or vice versa, or lay side by side and just touch, have our hearts touching, have our genitals touching, just like they're together. And let's see what emerges. And sometimes it's immediate, sometimes there's talking, sometimes there's touch. And it takes so there is no shame and no pressure and no anxiety. And sure enough, pretty much every time, if we have enough, sometimes it happens right away, sometimes we need to talk through something or connect more. But once that has occurred, and if we have the time for it, instantly both our bodies are like, let's go, right? So it just passes. And the same thing can happen with blushing. If you notice that arising, like, just do a thought experiment here with this young man in the banking meeting and all these elder bankers around this table and they're talking and all of a sudden maybe someone does ask him a question or whatever and he answers it. And then he notices his face getting really, really, really red. He just goes into his breath, notices, and just gets really curious about the sensation. What does it feel? Am I hot? Am I flushed? Am I sweating? And separating from the stories of danger and ruin and failure and inferiority and just this sensation, what does the sensation of Hunger feel like. Have you ever been fasting or studied that, skipped a meal or something? What does it feel like? And this is an interesting one. Sometimes I'll investigate the sensation of sleepiness. If I'm tired or something like that, I'll be like, how am I tired? You kind of close your eyes and you tune in. Is it behind my eyes? Is it in my head, Is it my body? What is that sensation? How do I know that I'm tired? And you can just get really curious about these things. And the same thing with blushing. What does that feel like? And here's the thing, if you focus it on that way, it will recede rapidly. What keeps it going is the fear and the shame and then the fear of the shame and then the shame about the fear and then the fear that you're seeing and the shame about being seen and then you know, that whole like, oh my God, I hope that doesn't happen again can perpetuate the cycle for the next one and the next one and the next one and the next one. So the key is to become mindful and let it pass, to let go of the shame and the fear. And if you're frustrated, like bah, why do I have to deal with this? It's not fair. Other people don't have blushing or whatever your thing is, that's a waste of energy. That's just resistance, tantruming against nothing. You don't have control. That this was your lot in life, your karma, your I believe gift. I mean everything that's arising and is here, that comes into your awareness and your experience, your consciousness is to overcome it, to heal, to grow, to transcend. That's the thing for you. And you can waste a lot of energy in self pity or hopelessness or you can grow and transcend. And then there's another thing waiting for you and then there's another thing waiting for you. And that's ultimately what we're here to do, right? Is to grow, learn and expand and, and grow and learn and expand our capacity to give and receive love. I believe that's one of the core reasons why we're here. And if you hear people who approach death or die and come back or you know, have a terminal illness that somehow have a miraculous recovery from almost every universally these people talk about, wow, the most important thing here is to, is to be, is to love and to enjoy, be in these relationships with people and others and do something that feels meaningful with the people that I love. And so growing in our capacity to give and receive love and first and foremost with yourself. So this blushing or whatever it is that you have so much shame and judgment and self criticism about, this is the thing that, this is the thing before you that is requiring, that is calling you to raise your level of almost on my own side, your level of self love, your level of unconditional self worth and self acceptance and self compassion. And when you can do it with this something that you thought was so bad or so unlovable, what else would that open up? How much more loving could you be with yourself and accepting and at ease with yourself and how would that affect you and benefit you and all these other areas of your life? So that brings us to our action step. Time for action, action, action. Your action step for today is going to be to pick a physical sensation and take, I don't know, three minutes, five if you want. Set a little timer on your watch or a phone or something, just three minutes and just pause whatever you're doing, set the timer and close your eyes and mindfully notice that sensation for three minutes. Bring it. Tune in like you're a scientist investigating it, but your tools of investigation are your own sense perceptions. So you tune in like what? And maybe you can pick hunger, that's a common one that's going to arise, or you can use the bathroom or something, or sleepiness or whatever. And maybe if there's anxiety that arises or blushing or something and you even better. But just pick one physical sensation. It could be pleasant or unpleasant. And spend three minutes really breathing, slowing down, closing your eyes and tuning into it. Where do I feel it in my body? Is it pressure? Is it expansion? Is it burning? Is it cold? Is it warm? Is it soothing? Is it open? Is it contracted? Is it dense? How big is it? How does it move? What's it like to just be with it for a minute or two and not go do something about it? This is a very powerful exercise, will help you way beyond just blushing, but beneficial for every area of your life. So play with that today and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.