How To Rock Thanksgiving With Confidence

Do you have challenges with Thanksgiving or other holidays around this time of year? Maybe it's interacting in large groups, spending extended periods of time around people or interacting with certain distant relatives or people that you don't see very often that you have challenging experiences with. There's a lot of stuff that comes up around Thanksgiving and other holidays, and in today's episode, we're going to help you clear all of that stuff and find a way to move through Thanksgiving to be the eye of the storm and to show up as your most bold, powerful, relaxed, confident self so you can actually interact with people, enjoy yourself, and really make it an awesome holiday. Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Azeez. Hey, welcome to another episode of Shrink for the shy guy. I'm Dr. Aziz, and today we're going to be diving in to how to rock Thanksgiving with confidence. And even if you don't live in the US and you don't have a Thanksgiving per se, is a holiday. This is not about the actual holiday of Thanksgiving where you're going to eat a turkey. And I talk about turkey eating strategies or something, or soy substitutes to turkey, if that's your thing. My brother has been a vegan for like two, three years now. He's been rocking it. He is rock solid, unwavering. I admire that. I've gone on and off the vegetarian or vegan train like 20 times probably in the last, oh, 13 years. And I'll stay on it for three, six months at a time and then go back to eating meat. Not because I change my values, but because it just tastes good, that I'm not made of stone. But whatever it is, this is not about, you know, specifically the nuances of Thanksgiving. This is about how to be in a holiday situation. And here are some of the challenges that people experience around any holiday, including Thanksgiving. Well, one, maybe you're dealing with family. You're spending time around family more time than you normally do. And that could be any family. That could be close family, parents, brother, sister. That could be more extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles, second, twice removed, this or that. And spending time around those people. That can be challenging because I found that nothing can be harder on our confidence than dealing with family. In fact, there was some teacher, maybe it was Ram Dass. I don't remember some spiritual teacher who said, if you think you're enlightened, try spending a week with your parents and see what Happens, you know, there's some truth to that. It can push our buttons to be around family. And in my experience, I could be just, I mean, I had this, you know, kicking ass in my business and writing a book and just showing up bold and confident and it put me in the right combination of people for long enough. And I feel like I'm 12 years old and not good enough. I'm just like, damn it. So being around family can cause something called regressing. I mean, just regressing is just a fancy word for saying going backwards. It's almost like you feel like you're a kid again or feel like you're 12 or 15 or awkward again. And that can happen when we're around family. So that can be a challenge. What are some of the other challenges that you experience around Thanksgiving? What in the past has been difficult or challenging for you? Do you, in fact, when you think about it, do you feel a sense of dread or like, oh boy, around any part of your experience? Here are some other ones that come up that I've noticed for myself and others. One is, you know, your family might see you as different than you actually are now. Oftentimes people from a family might have like an old perception, like they might even see you as, oh yeah, that's the little Jimmy. You're like, dude, Jim is like 35 years old. I'm not little Jimmy anymore. But that doesn't matter. They still see you that way. They may treat you that way. People in your family might tease you or criticize you or mock you. And maybe it's disguised as light hearted and fun and you're not supposed to take it seriously. Maybe it's more unpleasant and cruel than that. I don't know. I've seen a lot in different families, so that's a challenge that comes up. Also, this one's big. Getting stuck in conversations with someone that you don't really know and don't really care about. So like, you know, you're sitting there talking to around the dinner table. You got placed next to your cousin's husband's mom who you've like talked with once, and now you're like, oh God, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk to this person. Right? So that could be just difficulty in talking to someone you don't know or being forced to sit there with them. You know, this might lead to you at times during the weekend or during Thanksgiving feeling like a kid again, just going silent or shutting down, comparing yourself and feeling Insecure and maybe just wanting to escape, maybe just wanting to get out of there. And maybe it's another set of challenges for Thanksgiving. Maybe you don't have family to go spend time with, or you don't have a group of people that you share, and you don't have much going on, and you're just going to kind of do a normal evening, maybe not even do anything. And maybe you're totally okay with that. But sometimes people feel lonely. They feel. They judge themselves. I should have something going on. Oh, man, I'm such a lonely loser. And they don't make it okay. They make it real bad. There's something wrong with me for this. So that is just a big list of fun things. And maybe you have other specific things. Maybe you're like, oh, yeah, it's dealing with, you know, my cousin Tom. Fuck that guy. Make fun of me, Tom, I'll show you. This year, I've been working out, right? So whatever it is, think of it specifically for you, because I can share in general, and I'll be sharing some stories and some of my experiences and clients and other things. But if you are locked into your specific challenge, what you're working on or the things that you're going to be facing, you're gonna get a lot more out of our conversation today. So, in fact, we're gonna take a quick break right now. And during the break, why don't you just think about any other challenges? If you take notes during these episodes, which I recommend, maybe write a few things down, some of the challenges that you plan on facing or have faced in the past. And when we get back, we're gonna just blast right through them and help you rock Thanksgiving with confidence. So stay tuned for that. Hey, it's Dr. Aziz, and I wanna take a quick second to invite you to my upcoming live event. It's called Supremely Confident Conversation Master. And this is going to be an awesome experience. We're going to get together for three days in Portland, Oregon, and we're going to dive deep on exactly this topic. So if you get stuck in conversations, if you don't know what to say or how to start them or how to keep them going or what questions to ask, you freeze up, you stall out. People don't seem that interested in what you're saying or you can start it, but then going in deeper, you know, you find this urge to escape, this urge to eject, and it's hard to share yourself and create those real, deep connections, whether it's for dating and relationships, friendships, your business and career. Anything that's getting in the way of you being a supremely confident conversation master. That's what this weekend is designed to help you dive into and do so. You're going to discover exactly how to start conversations with anyone in a completely relaxed, casual way, and then how to be engaging, funny, dynamic and highly charismatic with others. You're going to learn how to stay in conversations, deepen them and share about yourself so you can easily connect with others. And ultimately how to access powerful authenticity which allows you to influence others, impact them and inspire them, draw them to you, become a magnet to other people by being your most authentic self. So this weekend is going to be powerful. Like all my live weekends, we work a lot on strategy. You're going to learn a ton and we remove all the inner blocks. We go deep and take anything that's getting in the way. It's stopping you. So I would love to spend the weekend with you. It's going to be a limited size and tickets are going to sell out. I'm sure we're doing an early bird right now. So if you go to the website, which is socialconfidencecenter.com and then click on the Events tab, you'll be able to learn all about it, find out the details. It's going to be March 4th through 6th in 2016 here, so March 4th through 6, that's a Friday through a Sunday. So go to the website socialconfidencecenter.com, click on the events tab, get all the info and secure your spot now. And I would love to spend three days helping you become a supremely confident conversation master. Welcome back. So what did you come up with? What are some of the challenges that you noticed? You know, as I was reflecting there for a moment, I was thinking about one of the challenges that I had is I would get there. And I have one cousin who's older than I am, Kevin, and he's a psychiatrist. And I remember a number of years ago when I was training to be a psychologist and he was some years ahead of me, and he would talk, he always did his whole life. He would speak with such certainty in what he was saying. And this is not just about his career or anything. Like anything. Even when we were kids and we're talking about basketball or Magic the Gathering, because mega nerds we were, and I still am. But, you know, he would talk about, he was just so much certainty behind what he said. And I remember we'd get down there to Los Angeles. This is where we would spend the Thanksgivings, and he would be talking about something in his career or a patient he saw or whatever this or that. And he would just have so much damn certainty in what he was saying. And I didn't have that certainty. I was new in my training. I was still kind of being like, what is this clinical psychology thing that I signed up for? And does it really work? And I don't know, am I really even good at this? I don't think I am. And I would hear him talking, and sometimes he'd ask me questions, and I didn't really know what to say, or I felt like I didn't sound that certain when I answered. And I just felt so damn inferior. I felt like worthless. And then I would go and just be so critical of myself, like, oh, man, I suck. And it was less of a head thing and more of just a feeling of shame, of not good enough, I'm bad. And it made it really difficult to enjoy myself. And I couldn't disagree with him on anything. Or sometimes he'd say something and I didn't really fully. Wasn't fully on board with it, but I just didn't know what to say. Or I would just kind of go along with it because I felt so like he was so much better than I was. So this is one challenge among many that I experienced in my Thanksgivings. So I definitely relate to whatever it is that you're coming up with. I probably have been there myself. So how do we shift this? How do we break free of this problem? So here's the thing. This is a question I get. Often someone's like, how do I handle situation X? I just had recently, I was talking to someone and they said, okay, so before I go talk to someone that really intimidates me, what do I need to do to get out of that inferior state and just rock it? There's maybe a strategy or something I could share, a quick solution. But I was like, that's sort of like saying, okay, I got to move this huge object I'm moving soon. And there's some big objects that I want to be able to move by myself because it'll just be easier. And there's this dresser, and it weighs like 180 pounds, and I want to move it myself. What's something I can say to myself right before I lift it up that's just going to pump me up to do it? Well, if you actually pump yourself up and get into a powerful state, it might help. But the real answer is, well, maybe lift weights for a couple Months ahead of time and get in really good shape is probably the answer. I don't even know. I mean, 180 pound dresser, I weigh like 150 pounds, so maybe I could lift it, but probably not. But anyway, it would be like, get in great shape leading up to that, and then you'll have a much better chance of doing that. And that's the exact same thing for how to rock Thanksgiving. How to, before you go, talk to someone who's intimidating to you, how to do it? Well, you, you gotta be building up the muscle of confidence. You gotta be in shape. And so if you're doing nothing at all in any way, it's gonna be a lot harder. So the best thing to do is to be practicing all the stuff you're learning from these podcasts, all the stuff you learned maybe from my book the Solution to Social Anxiety, or maybe you got one of my programs. Be like refreshing and practicing and doing that stuff. And that might be starting conversations with strangers that might be doing some inner work each day, to be working on your self esteem, that might be challenging the edge of your comfort zone at work and speaking up that might be making more eye contact with strangers. Little things build up that muscle. So basically, you want to be in good shape, confident shape going into Thanksgiving. That is a key piece because otherwise it's a lot harder to do all this other stuff. Okay, that's one sort of overall thing. Then here's a big one. Take a moment right now and imagine you might even close your eyes. Not if you're driving, but imagine for a second exactly how you want it to be. If this was the best Thanksgiving ever or the best holiday ever, what would you want to happen? How would you want it to go? And just notice what you see, what you experience, what emerges. See how you want to deal with certain people, notice how you want to respond in certain situations, what you want to do, notice how you want to be. Do you want to be relaxed, comfortable, confident, nonchalant? Just really allowing yourself to imagine exactly how you want it to go. Good. That's a big first step because you actually create that you're like your will, your intention, you intending that to happen has a lot of power and influence, not only over what you do and what you choose to do, but how the whole thing goes and how other people might respond to you and all of that. So super powerful to get clear on what you want. If your thing is like, I don't want to talk to cousin Tom, I don't want cousin Tom to make Fun of me again. That's not what you want. That's what you don't want. So think about, what do I actually want? Well, maybe I want to be comfortable and confident and be able to respond to Tom. Maybe I want to be able to take, you know, get away from him and go do something else instead of hanging out with him the whole weekend. Maybe I want to tell him to shut up. That's cool too, right? Whatever it is you actually want to do. Great. Now let's do this. Think of the top three challenging scenarios that are going to throw you off your game. The top three challenging scenarios. So for me, one of them would be like, well, I'm going to be sitting around the table playing cards, because that's what we do. What are you else going to do with family? We're sitting there playing cards around the table and Kevin's going to be talking about something and I'm going to feel insecure. That might be something that I would when I was working on this before. So think about the exact scenario or cousin Tom is going to tease me. Great. Think about that scenario. In fact, go deeper. Because the beauty of this is usually Thanksgiving's a yearly ritual and it's kind of the same shit every year. Right? You know, if Tom teases you last year, he's probably going to tease you this year. And not only that, you probably know what he's going to tease you about or you know how it's going to go, or, you know, oh, you know, uncle so and so always talks about this and always goes on a jag about the Democrats or the Republicans or tells me I should believe this or I shouldn't do that. So you might already actually know or have a pretty good guess of what's coming your way. So as you think of those challenging scenarios, you can also start to think of comebacks or how you'd want to deal with that situation. What would you want to say? So if Tom teases you about being scrawny, what are you going to say? Actually come up with things that you can respond with ahead of time. Think of them. What are your comebacks? What would you say in response? Good, just get in your mind that you feel, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Well, just slow down, take a breath. What if you did know? My guess is you do know. You just might be scared. Scared to confront Tom, that jerk. That made up jerk. Great. So in addition to being able to practice your comebacks, there's a few other things we're going to get into, including, I think, hands down, the most important thing, which is not what we think about. It's kind of, again, it's like behind, it's one or two layers deep. And I'm going to share a really cool story about a client that I work with, his new experience and, and I'm going to share a follow up about some of my Thanksgivings as my confidence has continued to increase to more badass levels. So stay tuned right after this. We'll get back into that. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to work directly with Dr. Aziz? After breaking free from shyness and social anxiety himself, he has now gone on to help thousands of men and women do the same. Here is what One client of Dr. Aziz has to say about about his experience. When I thought about contacting Dr. Aziz, I was, I was nervous because I wasn't, I wasn't 100% sure whether I really want to do this or no. But then, you know, I told myself that if I really want to make a change, then I have to give it my best. So that's why I went ahead and got in touch with Dr. Aziz and I'm so glad I did. This weekend has been a very transformational experience for me. I came in, you know, having no clue what to expect, and I've been able to kind of look into myself and, you know, see where I'm at, realize all the belief systems and stories that I tell myself and who I and really see myself for who I truly am. I've been able to go out and do stuff like I never thought I would be able to do. To get started on your journey towards lifelong confidence with Dr. Aziz, simply go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching welcome back. So let's keep talking about how to rock your upcoming Thanksgiving. So what we've done so far, we've helped you imagine exactly how you want it to go. You have a crystal clear vision of how you want to show up and how you want it to be. And then we looked at the three main challenges that you imagine you're going to come up dealing with this person, dealing with that, oh my God, it's so loud. And I hate the dinner part of the evening. Whatever it is, think of your three challenges. Start practicing your comebacks and thinking about how you're going to handle those situations, how you'd like to handle those situations. And here are some other things that I highly suggest to make the experience, to allow yourself to be more confident and to Enjoy yourself more. Here's a big one. Let yourself be different than you've been in the past. Let yourself show up differently. There's such a fear in people. This isn't just around family. This is around change in general. I see this all the time. This actually happens at the weekends, too. People come to a live weekend, have massive shift, just big boost in their confidence, feeling really strong in themselves. And they're like, but what happens when I go to work and I'm different? I'm stronger, I'm walking different, I'm taller, I'm looking at people in the eye, I'm saying more, I'm asking questions, I'm talking to people. People are going to notice that I'm different. And oftentimes people just like, that's scary and that's bad, and I don't want to do that. And we haven't actually examined why that's bad. And it's some sort of idea that I guess the fear is that someone would challenge you and say, hey. Hey, you. What's going on with you? Why are you all confident and talking to me right now? It's like, really? Is someone gonna do that? And if so, couldn't you handle that? Oh, thanks for noticing. Yeah, yeah, I'm feeling better. I'm just feeling strong today. How are you doing? Right? I mean, that's it. And actually, that's not how someone's gonna approach you. How someone might say it is. They might be like, whoa, what's going on? What's gotten into you? One time I went to a weekend event and just like, man, I had some major breakthroughs and just feeling awesome and certain and strong in myself. And I remember I was walking with a friend, and he's like, yeah, you got some pep in your step. I was like, damn right feeling awesome. And so people are gonna probably comment in a very nonchalant, casual way, and then you just gotta own it. And the fear is not about they. The fear is about me. The fear is about I'm scared to change my identity. This is who I am. I've been the nervous, quiet guy, and if I'm different, maybe bad stuff will happen. That's really what it's about. And it's the same thing with family. It's like, well, I can't wear different clothes than I used to wear, or I can't stand or move or talk differently, or I can't act differently, or I can't speak up, or I can't share different ideas than I had last year. It's like, what? No. Allow yourself to be different. You are constantly different and evolving and changing. And hopefully you're constantly growing. And so maybe some other people in your family aren't growing that much, but you don't want to settle to the lowest common denominator and pretend like you're not growing or changing at all just so they don't have any thoughts or questions about that. No, no, no, no. You want to. Like you holding back is not in any way serving them or you. So allow yourself to be different. Show up differently than you have in the past. Another super small tip. This is very strategic, which I didn't know and didn't allow myself for, but is super important. And it's maybe, you know, hard if you're the nice guy or the nice girl. And that is carve out some alone time. Carve out some alone time. Make it so don't be like, well, we're all gonna get up and then we're gonna do this and I'll just walk down, hang out in the living room, and then we're all gonna go see this movie. I'm like, okay, there's people, people, people. Is you need to get away and just remember who you are and just find that time. Whether it's first thing in the morning or. As I started to use this during Thanksgiving, I would go for runs. Sometimes I go for runs by myself. Sometimes I go with my brother. And then I'd still also take some time alone too. Although it was just me and my brother, it felt like a great recharge for me. But sometimes just time alone, I take some time alone in the morning or I just go for a walk. I'd just be like, hey, I'm gonna go out for a little bit. I'll see you guys in about half an hour. Oh, yeah, where are you going? I'm gonna go for a walk. Really? Yeah. I'll see you guys in a bit. And just do that. Just take care of yourself. And then as you walk, just reflect. Or as you run, just, okay, here I go, here I am. How am I gonna deal with this? What's going on? How am I feeling? Maybe feeling some of those uncomfortable feelings that are building up as you're around people. You can process them, you can focus them, you can give them attention, give them acceptance, let them pass through you. Super simple, but super life changing and powerful. And here is the biggest thing of all. You know what's underneath all of this discomfort, all of this fear. The same stuff as elsewhere, needing approval. And you know, the hardest place where it is to let go of needing approval is with family. With your parents, your brothers, your sisters, your cousins, your aunts, your uncles. I need them to like me, especially parents, right? Like you got respect me, be proud of me, love me. And of course there's nothing wrong with that. Of course you want that. And when we're attached to needing that, it just fucks shit up, man. It makes you nervous, it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you tense, it makes you needy or demanding or awkward or trying to be someone you're not. Nothing good comes of it. So it's key to just remind yourself before you get there in the morning each day, maybe on your walk alone. Okay, I don't need anyone's approval. It's really okay if so and so has a different opinion than me. It's really okay. I don't need anything from them. I don't need them to see it my way. I don't need them to like me. I just don't need it. Just remind yourself of that. And of course that's a bigger thing to be working on in your life in general. So I want to share a few quick stories here and then we're going to get into your action Step here is one story. This is from a client that I worked with who every year he'd go to Thanksgiving and it would be the same thing. And there was this cousin of his who would be there who was like the exact opposite. He was outgoing and loud and funny and he would tell stories at the table and everyone loved him. And my client would just feel so small and insecure and unworthy around this guy and he'd shut down and he couldn't even really interact with him, which really sucked because when they were little kids they used to play together all the time. But then as they got to be adults and this guy kind of went down one path, more confidence and. And my client got stuck. He just, he couldn't even really interact with the guy, even one on one without feeling so low. But then what was amazing is we worked together, he was a one on one client. And over the course of the year, by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, he was just totally different. He spoke up, he shared his ideas around the Thanksgiving dinner. He would make jokes, he would ask questions. He just walked right up to his cousin when he first saw him and gave him a big hug and, and ask him questions. How's it going? How are you doing? And he's like, it was amazing. That was the Thanksgiving Day. It was like totally different experience. He's like, you know what the best part was, Aziz? I was like, what? He's like, the next day, I was hanging out with my cousin, and we actually went fishing. He went fishing one on one with his cousin. And his cousin said something to the effect of, you are so much more confident and just outgoing and awesome. I don't know the exact words he used, but he noticed. He's like, you are. Something is different. And he's like, I love it. It's awesome. It's so great to connect with you. I really. And he just, like, was so loving and impressed. And he's like. And that was the best part. And it was really cool. And this can actually happen. You can actually transform your experience. And that's been. My experience is it's totally shifted there in Thanksgiving now when I go down there, as I said, I take time for myself. The way that I decided I want to be and how I show up is just totally irreverent and not taking anything seriously. So I just make jokes. I crack jokes. I just say random stuff. I blurt stuff out. Someone's talking. I'm like, what? No way. Come no bs. I just say stuff like that, blurt it out, because that's how I wanted to be, just more free to do that. And then as I've gotten more comfortable and certain in myself, I speak with more certainty around Kevin. But also, I don't feel like I'm able to see, like, okay, he's certain about things, and I don't necessarily have to agree with him. And it's okay if he's really certain about that. And this is really cool. This was a sign of growth. I remember this was a couple years back, and it was like about a month or so before our first son was due to My wife Candice was like eight and a half months pregnant. Little baby's coming in like a month. And Kevin, who is a psychiatrist and a more traditional medical doctor, says something like, so I heard you guys are going to plan for a home birth. And that was true. We were hippies. Although our second birth was hospital all the way because the home birth actually sucked. But anyway, we were hippies. And we're like, we're going to do a home birthday with candles and shit around the living room, you know, around the bedroom. And we had a midwife and all that stuff. And he was kind of like, you know, mainstream. Look, you gotta go to the hospital. So he started to say that and he's like, you know, there's all kinds of problems that can happen at a home birth, blah, blah, blah. And he started to launch into that. And this is like, three weeks before my first baby is due. I'm already nervous. We're already committed to this. We already assessed the risks. I don't need him telling me and freaking me out about all these disaster scenarios. So he started to talk, and I was like, hey, hey, Kevin. Kevin. I said it just like that. I kind of put my hand up. I was like, kevin, listen, man. I don't want to hear this right now. This is not helpful to me. And he's like, oh, okay. And it was like, boom. It was just a new level of assertiveness, of confidence in myself of saying what I want and saying what I didn't want. And afterwards, I was like, yeah, sign of progress, baby. It's all coming together. So this year, unfortunately, not able to go down to Thanksgiving. I love them all, but we knew a little guy, Armand, just came, like, a week ago. What is it? 10 days ago? So got our hands full. Not gonna get on a plane. But anyway, you can do this. You can completely change your experience. It just takes working on this stuff outside, getting in shape beforehand, deciding how you want to be, and then. It's scary. Yes, it's scary to face this stuff, but when you do it and you face it, you feel so much better, Even those small steps. In fact, speaking of small steps, guess what time it is? Time for action. Your action step for today is to put into practice. I mean, Thanksgiving is coming up, like, right away. So put into practice. Look for those small things. Do one or two little things each day, or if it's just one day that you're hanging out with people during that one day, you know, don't focus on the big transformation. It's got to be totally a thousand percent different. Just, what's that one moment that I could speak up? What's that one moment where I could go, leave and take care of myself? What's that one moment where I could respond to that person who is critical of me or is not listening to me, whatever it is? What's that one moment where I could just let go of needing approval and just not care as much and go on to the next thing, whatever it is. Find those little moments, apply them in your life, and go out there and rock Thanksgiving until we speak again? May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know Anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com it.