How To Say F*ck It To Needing Approval

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's episode of the show.

Today you're going to learn about an incredibly fun, liberating technique from I think one of the best authors out there, one of the most humorous, intelligent and just really perceptive guys out there that I've had the privilege of getting a chance to know and speak with. And we have a great interview today that's going to be diving in how to use his approach and it can be summed up in two words and you might have even heard me say them. I've learned so much from him. I've incorporated it into other episodes of this show. But those two words are Fuck it. Fuck it. And there's so much behind that. In fact, I don't even want to talk about it too much because I want to let him describe it. But it's John Parkin, the author of one of the best selling spiritual books out there called Fuck it the Ultimate Spiritual Way. Just a hilarious guy and so insightful. And so without further ado, let's actually jump right into that interview with John. And for this one, I highly recommend you get out a sheet of paper or a journal and a pen or take some notes on your phone or whatever you can do because this stuff in here is incredibly valuable. And today we're going to be focusing our interview in on how to use this technique to let go of needing people's approval. In fact, that's what we dive right into in the beginning of our interview.

Because that need for wanting everyone to.

Like us and please people and get everyone's approval keeps us so stuck and just bleeds out our confidence. And when we can say Fuck it and just get out there and do stuff, I mean, doors open up, business opportunities open up, relationships open up, life opens up. So without further ado, let's jump into that interview with John now.

Expert Interview.

My guest expert today is John Parkin, who is the author of the world renowned and best selling book Fuck it among many others. It's Fuck it the ultimate spiritual way. You might have heard me mention it or reference it in this show or elsewhere. It's a phenomenal book. It came out in 2008 in Europe and 2009 in the United States and it's gone on to sell. That combined with their other books in the Fuck it series, hundreds of thousands of copies in dozens of languages, I think 22 languages all over the world. And it is a powerful book. And his teachings are a spin on how to step into life, how to let go. Hence the phrase the ultimate spiritual way, but in a light hearted way that just strips it of any of the dogma or anything that might make it hard to apply. And he's gone on to lead many retreats with his wife and they do many of them in Europe and Italy and now they have fuck it retreats all over the world. So incredibly excited to have you on the show today with us and to dive deep into how to say fuck it to all the things that might challenge our confidence. So thanks so much for joining me on the show, Aziz.

It's lovely to be here. Thank you for having me. And what a lovely introduction.

Fantastic. I'm sure I just scratched the surface of that one. So the first thing I'd love to start with is for someone who's listening, who has never even heard that, I would say they might be shocked, but I curse all the time. So probably not if they've listened to me before. But for someone who's new to this. What do you mean by fuck it? Like, what is the general idea of that?

Excuse me? I mean, we kind of realized about 10 years ago that fuck it, what people mean when they say fuck it is a kind of this thing that I'm bothered about or I'm worrying about is not so important. Oh, fuck, it doesn't matter so much. So that was our. Not so much what we mean, but our sense of what people were meaning when they actually said it. And it's great to kind of have done this for about 10 years because then you notice fuck it in every. Whenever it's mentioned in a film or a book or very rarely on the radio, it's usually on films. And it's always the same meaning, which is, you know, I've had enough, I'm not willing to take the pain of this stupid situation, fuck it, I'm off kind of thing.

And then when someone says fuck it, what happens? Have you seen or do you.

Well, I think that most. The problem for most of us is that we take things too seriously. The kind of source of many of our problems, that we take things too seriously and we're too heavy around things where we place too much importance on things that, you know, when we look back on it a year later or a few years later, we'd realize wasn't so important. And if we see our kind of position in this universe from. With any perspective, we'll see that it's not so important what we're worrying about. So if, if we have, if we get perspective and it helps us to that. So if we say it, it will help us relax, help us see that that's not such a big thing. Which gets right to the. It gets to the heart of things for me really. And I'm. Because I write this or I teach this and I wrote that stuff from, from my, from a perception of my difficulty with the world really which is that I take things too seriously. Even though my, my natural state when I'm relaxed is to kind of joke around. But I will take things too seriously and regard things as too heavy and worry about things. I come from generations of worriers, so. So that's, that's where I come from.

Yeah, that can be transmitted down. And why aren't you worrying? This is something serious. I love that. And I think what a great thing to explore is how serious we can take things and get about things and then there's stress and worry which might seem essential but actually really can degrade our, our performance and our ability to think clearly and come up with solutions. And I think there's so many different areas that I've come across in my life working on confidence and in clients lives that I'd love to explore some of your thoughts on them. The first one that comes to mind is I think when we're feeling nervous around people or not able to take on a venture that we want grow a business, whatever it is, if we're afraid, there's often a big fear of what they are gonna think of me.

Yeah.

And sometimes it's someone specific like my dad, my mom, that woman over there. And sometimes it's just this vague collective. They are gonna think of me. And I'd love to jump into that. Like how can we use this idea of just saying fuck it to, to that area of what people think of us.

Well, it's a, it's a critical area, isn't it? I mean it's, it's as easy as where you're teaching and where your interest is. But I can tell you from having run retreats for 10 years and work with loads of people and live events, etc. One of the most common things that people come and say when we say, you know, what's, what's the issue? What's the thing? What do you need to say it to that very high up the list, if not top of the list for a lot of people is I need to say fuck it to what other people Think of me. So it's a critical thing, I think, and it's a basic. When I. Actually. My sense is that we've got two conflicting things in our lives, most of us. One is that we want to be free. We want to always. When I start talking about this, it always sounds like a song. It's like, you want to be free. You want to do what you want to do. I think it's a primal scream song, actually. You want to do what you want to do. You want to be free to make decisions about your own life. You want to express yourself. You know, all the feelings of freedom that you see in the best films and the best politics, the best art, the best literature, is about freedom. It's about finding our authentic self and expressing that in the world, about doing the job that suits us, about going out and meeting the right people to help us do stuff. I mean, that's freedom. And most of us want to be free. It's an essential kind of instinctive desire for most of us. And I want to be free. But on the other side of the bloody fence is. Is the desire to be approved of. We. And we, all of us want to be approved of. In fact, I. In fact, I get the feeling it's a kind of evolutionary thing. I think it's probably an evolutionary necessity. You know, the kind of. All the ideas of the. What are they? The mirror neurons that even body language. We basically, in social situations, we mirror each other in order to bond with each other. And clearly bonding with each other and being in a group is important to surviving as a group. It's much easier to survive as a group as human beings than it is to survive individually. So I think we have systems in us that are built into us that are designed to kind of go, okay, are you. Are you approving of me? Are you my. Are you happy to be my friend so that we can kind of work together and survive as human beings? So I think it's there so deep within us that this desire to be approved of, which is kind of cool if we. If we use that, and we're just like, you know, we're good socially, whatever it is. But it seems to be like it disables most of us because we get completely caught up in the inability to be free and to express ourselves and to be light and to be relaxed because of this awful fear, because we can't please all of the people. I mean, most of us do have this fear that, oh, God, if I do that, what will they think? And you're Right. It's a generalized fear.

Yeah. That's so fascinating. I think you're absolutely right. I love that the kind of the two. The two pulls in us, you know, to be free, to be liberated and at the same time to be approved of. Or loved. And loved.

We're gonna pause for just one moment and then get right back into our interview with John.

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And I think the pull for most people is much stronger towards the second one. Like they want both but they prioritize approval.

They do. And I think it's because we're conditioned, isn't it as well. That's how we are taught, you know, as we are. We're conditioned as children to, to obey and to listen to everybody else and to be polite and to show deference and respect and to. And then we will also pick up our parents fear of doing the wrong thing. So that's out there within society and it's a. Is even though it's natural. It's quite a fear based thing, isn't it as well?

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe there's like that kind of natural bond. All the things you describe. It's essential for survival as a social animal.

And.

And then there's this kind of maybe layer on top and it could be a very thick layer depending upon your life and your upbringing. But yeah. Of just this. That's not okay. I'm bad. Shame, parents, all that stuff that can really cripple us from doing it. And my mind just went in like 17 different directions there.

Yeah, same here. I mean it's interesting. We get into some really good areas here because my mind's going in 17 different directions exactly the same.

Well jeez, if you multiply those together, that's. I can't even do that quickly. 170. That's like. I hope everyone's ready for a 16 hour interview.

You do it in parts. I mean I. One direction my mind was going in is that we somehow have to try and square this circle or whatever this is. This two conflicting. If there are these two. The possibly conflicting sides of us. And as you say, we're more. We wait more towards the. Towards the. I need approval. How the heck can we express our own self selves and our sense of freedom and be okay with the. Some need for approval or how do we work socially? I suppose that's the question, isn't it? And I bet, I mean this is your area, Aziz. But my, My sense of how to square that circle or to get the overlapping bit in the Venn diagram is that if we do really start to work on listening to ourselves, the process for me is we've spent our lives listening to everybody else. So stop get moving by listening to yourself again and listening to what I want and what I'm about and what I want to say in a situation and then start to take that more true self out into the world. But to take it out there, you have to somehow disengage this fear thing of like, oh my God, what again? What are they gonna say? What they're gonna think. And we do that with, you know, fuck it. Really Fuck it to what others think of me. Fuck it to, you know, to the fact that I might make an idiot of myself here.

Yeah, so let's dive into that. Cause that's so helpful. We have to overcome that fear and at least significantly, or maybe not 100% of it, but at least a chunk of it so we can start living more freely and being more alive. So how could I do that? Let's say there's something I want to do. I'm nervous about a presentation because what are they going to think of me? I'm not wanting to go out and talk to potential customers or someone that I'm interested to date because of what are they going to think of me? Whatever the scenario, how could I. What exactly do you mean? So I just say fuck it in my head, like coach me through how to use that to really relax.

Well, if we go back to. Well, there's a few things there, including relaxation. But if we go back to what? Fuck it. The reason fuck it seems to work is that it takes the over meaning out of a situation, the over importance out of a situation. And so I think any strategy around anything where you want to go out there and do it, but you're scared of what the effects might be if you make a mistake. And I can remember some really awful times in my life where I've been on Stage or I've been in a big meeting and something awful has happened and didn't stop me actually going and doing it again. I realized that it's not the end of the world. These things aren't the end of the world. So my process around that stuff, and I'm. I'm pretty good now. I've trained myself into doing the stuff that scares me. And the way I do it is kind of go, well, you know, who cares? I'm just gonna. If that doesn't work, I'm gonna run out of the room if it doesn't. You know, this. It doesn't matter. It's basically, it doesn't matter. Fuck it. It doesn't matter. In the end situation. Yeah, it's usually not. I mean, so there are some situations that are life and death, but it's usually not life, life or death. And it really. For me, that really works. That works because usually my stress around, you know, what's it going to be like? I mean, I got. I didn't go in the end, but I got invited to Downing street, you know, where the British Prime Minister lives. No, it was actually, it was number 11. It was next door to Downing Street. It's where the Chancellor of the Exchequer lives. And there was a kind of launch party for something for a book. And now that. To go to a party where there could be some seriously important, influential people made me kind of go, oh, that's interesting. Well, that'd be cool, wouldn't it? My God. Oh, my God. What would I say to whoever it is? What would I wear? I mean, I was like, what the hell do. I'm naturally a very scruffy person. Yeah. So what the hell do I wear to something like that? And so when I. When faced with that, which is the more extreme end of my social situation kind of fear thing, I went, well, fuck it. You know, it's an adventure that is. Others go in and I'll correct some jokes and I'll see how it is. So I. That's how I work. My strategy is to kind of downplay the importance of it. And. And it works. It works for me, and I think it can work for other people. The risk of it is that I downplay it too much. And it. I mean, I read an article about. It's an English journalist who went to the. The Oscar ceremony two days ago, and. And she was saying that, you know, she was really getting her head around what the Oscars are like. It's a kind of a play. It's like a game and everybody's in it and it looks a bit ridiculous when you're looking at it, but you kind of have to be in it. And she went, everybody was wearing very kind of big dresses and almost like kind of ball gown like things. And she was there in a quite a short skirt showing a knees and she says, you know, I just. People must have thought I was taking the piss because this is not what you do for that. So. And that. So that could be kind of overplaying the thing of like I'm going to the Oscars. It doesn't matter so much, does it? It's like, well no, maybe you should do a bit of research about what you should be wearing. Etc. Etc. So yeah, with those things of kind of diving in, I go. I basically go through a process myself of going, well, first of all, fuck it, it doesn't matter so much. What if something goes wrong? And if you want, in a moment I'll tell you a very, very embarrassing story, but I've now talked too much so I'm going to shut up for a second and let you talk. Aziz.

We're going to pause for one brief moment now and then jump back into our interview and with John Parkin. Stay tuned.

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I can't wait to hear that story. In fact, that actually was where my mind was going, was around embarrassment. And the one thing you said in there, I mean, there's so many good things and I hope people listening are taking notes about how to apply this. But it almost seems like there's two parts to the process. There's the internal fuck it and then something, whatever that means to you, like it doesn't matter. My version of that would be fuck it and then I'm gonna die anyway was sort of the thing that I would tell myself because I think it's this, you know, oh, it's so terrible and there's some part of us that maybe unconsciously jumps to and then I'm gonna die and so fuck it, I'm gonna die anyway. Do I want to try to eke safely as possible to my death, or do I want to have some adventure? So I love that. But then the other part that you mentioned is it's just a pattern of doing it. Pattern of, you know, because if we say fuck it and then flee, that could be part of fuck it too. Right? That's what really helped me in your book. Because I really oriented myself many years ago to do what scares you. And that profoundly changed my life. But then it became this kind of dogma in me of like, I'm scared, I gotta go do it, I gotta go do it. It's like, there's a woman over there, I'm scared, I gotta go talk to her. And it's like, I'm tired, I don't really wanna try to meet her. But it was like, oh, you're just scared. You gotta, you know. And so I would like get into this very uncomfortable, you know, kind of self criticism around it. And then when I came across your book, I was like, oh, fuck it. I don't feel like it. So that could be valuable too. But at some point we have to take those actions and I really wanted to highlight that. But then the embarrassment thing is fascinating. So I have some stuff. I'd love to talk to you about that. But let's start with your embarrassing story because I'm intrigued.

It contains every aspect of what you're perceptively talking about, actually about the getting on and doing it and the fleeing as well. Can I say one thing before I talk about this embarrassing story? And this is also actually a storytelling technique, isn't it? To delay the interest. That's right.

It's open loop, man. You just have eager.

Ah, that's Andre Chaperon, isn't it? The story. He's the storytelling genius that I've read about. Yeah. There's one thing goes on when you say fuck it. You automatic you alluded to this, you automatically relax. That's the idea that the kind of over the. Over the putting too much meaning on things, too much importance on things. The kind of stressing out about things which as you also said earlier, we kind of think is necessary for getting on and success, etc. We kind of. That's what we've taught ourselves. But the. If you can kind of dissipate that by saying it doesn't matter so much and you say fuck it and you relax. Now that relaxation, if you then go into any situation in a more relaxed state, it may not be that you're in a completely relaxed state. I wouldn't have been completely Relaxed walking through the door of number 11 Downing Street. But let's say you're in a more relaxed state. That relaxed state changes everything. It changes the way your brain is working, and it changes your physiology. And it changes your physiology in a way that everything about you is more relaxed. You're probably slower, you're breathing more slowly, your heart rate is probably lower. And everybody, whether consciously or usually unconsciously, will pick up on that. So your effect socially will be different as a relaxed person to how it would be as a stress person. So there's actually a chemical, bodily, physiological thing going on when you relax, when you say fuck it.

And to jump in just to open a whole nother loop to keep everyone really is. That is what effect that has on the results that you get and how you interact with people. And energetically, what's happening combined to what you draw into your life is something that I want to talk to you about in a moment, but go ahead with your story.

Yes, please do. That's a good loop, isn't it? Because it is. It's an energetic thing. Everything changes when you're relaxed. And I say this and I say your brain, Your brain changes when you relax. And whatever happens and different people say different things about right and left hemisphere or different frequencies, different parts of the brain. But basically, when you relax, you. Your thoughts change, you move to a different part of your brain and you think in a very different way. And you. I mean, the most obvious analogy really is the difference between me slightly tense and sober and me more relaxed, having had a pint of beer or a glass of wine. That has an effect on me both psychologically and physiologically. And with the glass of wine or just me being relaxed, I tend to be slower, lighter. This sounds like a beer advert now, doesn't it? We've made this beer in a slower, lighter. When the sugar turns to alcohol in an altogether more refined way. I'm kind of funnier when I'm relaxed. And I'm actually stupid when I'm relaxed. My humor can be a lot more surreal and to the point where I say some really stupid things. And that's an interesting thing as well. Cause I make more mistakes socially. I have more successes and make more mistakes socially when I'm relaxed. Because I will say some really stupid things.

Absolutely. But the beauty of it is when you don't care, when you've let go to the point where you can just say those things, it's this beautiful loop of interconnectivity where it doesn't really matter to you inside as much. And therefore it almost doesn't matter to other people. And if there's the occasional person who does, it doesn't matter. It doesn't bother you. And so it's this really beautiful situation. And I have found, though, that the more relaxed I am in myself, the more just totally accepting of myself, the more I can get away with crazy shit. I mean, I can. And I used to be really sort of reserved around new people, especially if it was in a business situation or maybe they were an authority or other things. And I found that the more I just said, fuck it, and just jumped in in a kind of familiar, friendly, humorous tone, absurd humor. You can get away with anything in any situation. I even bring. I used to be very serious when I worked with clients because I was originally trained in psychotherapy and that's a very serious venture. And then I moved into coaching and I brought the same sort of like, okay, we chat for a minute or two about if they wanted to do some small talk sometimes that helped them feel more comfortable. And then it was like, okay, now let's get down to work. And then I realized that I actually have got way more better results with people. They enjoy it more and I enjoy it more when we'll be laughing multiple times in the session. And you can get away with anything. And I think that's powerful to see.

It's true. You can. I mean, you can. I don't know about anything.

Yeah, okay. That's an extreme statement. I don't want anyone to take that too far. Test it out and see what you can get away with for yourself. Try this at home.

But it's beautiful to experience that as you have, isn't it? It's a beautiful thing to experience.

That is all the time we have for the interview today. There's so much good stuff coming up. We're actually going to splitting it into the next episode so you get to hear the remembrance remainder of the interview that I did with John Parker in there. In next week's episode, we're going to be diving in on how to use this fuck it technique to just blast through fear. To be able to go do stuff that scares you and kind of relax along the way, not have it hold us back so much. And there's a hilarious and phenomenal story that John tells about this as well. So you're going to want definitely stay tuned for that. But before we end today, we gotta end with what we always end with, which is your action step.

Time for action.

Your action step today. Is to simply say fuck it. To needing someone's approval. So when you're in a situation, you're about to go enter into a situation that normally makes you nervous.

Maybe it's a.

A meeting, for example, right before you walk in, as you're walking down the hall, or maybe even, you know, go to the bathroom before the meeting for just a moment, take a deep breath in, kind of raise your shoulders up. I mean, do it with me right now. Actually take a deep breath in, kind of raising your shoulders up towards your ears, and then drop them down and let all the air out and just say fuck it. So let's do that together one more time. Raising your shoulders up a little bit as you breathe in. Fuck it. And then just roll into the meeting or walk over and talk to that person or go approach that beautiful woman. Just fuck it. I don't need their approval. And just see what happens. See how that changes your attitude, your energy and your confidence level, and ultimately the responses that you get from people. Because when people feel that you don't care as much and you're not so attached to getting them to like you, all of a sudden doors open up and they start to like you more. One of the beautiful paradoxes in life. So thank you so much for joining me today and in this episode. I look forward to speaking with you in next week's episode. We get to the end of the interview with John Parkin, so stay tuned for that and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

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