How To Speak Up For Yourself | Anti Nice In Action | Dr. Aziz - Confidence Coach

Do you know what you want in a given situation? Are you aware of what you want and do you speak up for it? Do you say what you want? Do you say if you don't want something? Do you ask for what you want? Do you put your real self and your real desires out there powerfully and clearly and directly into the world? Whether it's a social setting, a date or at work, if so, good things are coming your way in life. If you feel some fear about that, if you're not sure about that, if you're hesitant about that and you want to break through that fast, watch today's episode because you're going to get a sense of power to put yourself out there and learn how to boldly speak up for yourself in any situation. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, the founder of the center for Social Confidence and number one best selling author. And this is a show for you if you want to maximize your confidence in all areas of life that truly matter to you. Not just your social confidence, your dating confidence, although it's very important and we talk a lot about that, but also your confidence in how you feel about yourself, your confidence in your career, your confidence around your finances, your confidence just basically to feel like you can show up in the world, that you are a cause versus an effect, that you're a creator versus a victim. That's what this show is all about and I love hanging out with you here. If you enjoy these episodes and want to watch more, subscribe below. Now we put out tons of new episodes weekly, if not more, and it's a great way to stay in touch. Also, sometimes if I have something that I'm sharing or promoting, I put it up here and you'll find out about it right away. So let's talk about how to speak up for yourself. I like to think of this as anti nice in action. Anti nice in action. I'm not going to get into the whole concept of anti nice, but it's something I've been working with which is basically how to approach the world with a lot more power and not being overly nice and overly pleasing. And that's something you relate to. You should check out my other video. Basically, how to want more confidence, be less nice. So here's how to do it. Step one is you gotta know what you actually want in different situations. And this might seem pretty basic. Little kids do this. We have a little three year old son, Zaim, and he knows what he wants. You know, no daddy yes, Daddy, I want this, you know? Or his little brother comes up to him, he's like, ah, get away. And like, tries to whack his face so he knows what he wants. We all do as kids, but somewhere along the way, we become disconnected from ourselves. Karen Horney, a really amazing teacher and analyst, she called it alienation from yourself. You're alienated from yourself. You're disconnected from yourself. You don't even know anymore. And that's because you learn somewhere along the way that it's bad, that, hey, doesn't matter what you want, be nice, don't hit your brother, hug your brother, be nice. You know, it's very common for us to get that message. It doesn't matter if you want this or you don't want that. Stuff it, be nice and do what I say. It's a common message. We get parents, school, other organizations, right? Religious institutions, like, stuff it, be nice and do the right thing. And so what that happens is that there creates this disconnection from ourselves and we don't even know what we want. And you might even feel shame for what you want. And it could be the most basic stuff. I was talking with a client about these examples of, like, let's say someone, you know says, hey, here's a simple example. Where should we go to get food? And a lot of people that are very disconnected from what they want, they just see themselves as very flexible people. I know I did this. I didn't think, I'm alienated from myself and I don't know what I want. I just thought, hey, you know what? I'm a flexible guy. Just go with the flow. So someone's like, what do you want to eat? Hey, whatevs, what's good? Or, I don't know, whatever you want, right? And this can go way beyond food is a very obvious, small example, but it can go, you know, what do you want to do when we hang out? Where do you want to go? What kind of movie do you want to watch? What do you want to share in this conversation? What do you want to be talking about with this person? What do you want from this person? What do you hope to do with this person? All of those things can be off limits, out of awareness. I don't know, whatever they want, whatever they want to talk about. And that's another thing, side note, by the way, a lot of people that struggle with social anxiety and shyness, the reason they don't like conversations, well, one is their critic, you know, telling them they suck. But two is a Sense that the conversation is boring because you are totally just talking about whatever they want to talk about and you're not even aware of yourself and what you want to talk about. Side note, so this shows up everywhere. So step one is you got to become more self aware. What is it that I want? And the best way to do that is just ask yourself this question like ten times a day. What do I want right now? What do I want right now? As you're watching this, what do you want? Ask yourself that before you go hang out with someone. What do I want? What do I want in this situation? And here's the thing, for some of you, this will start to come really quickly and you get a lot more clarity. For some of you, this will actually start to push buttons. It feels bad, it feels selfish, it feels wrong to say what you want. Do you know what I'm talking about? Is that something you experience? And if so, we want to help you shift that because it is not bad, it is not wrong. That's just some old programming that you got some conditioning that taught you that actually finding out what you want and being able to express it is extremely healthy for all your relationships. For me, that limited me. I couldn't have a romantic relationship for maybe six years somewhere in there. Yeah, right. About that, you know, a long term one. I learned how to date and I could meet women and date them, but I couldn't sustain anything longer because I was so disconnected from what I wanted and I couldn't express it. And it felt guilty and bad and it felt bad to even think about what I wanted. And if what I wanted did not coincide with what the other person wanted, like if there was a difference between what I wanted and what she wanted, or what I wanted and what they wanted, what I wanted, my parents wanted, what I wanted. In my brother, you know, anyone, I would feel very uncomfortable, I'd feel very guilty. And sometimes I wouldn't even let myself see what I wanted. So that's what you got to do. You got to find out what, what it is that you want. Then you got to put it out there. You got to just say it, you got to speak it. And this is where we got to overcome that fear, that shame that there's something bad about it. And the best way to do that is just to do it repeatedly. So start being a little more having more of a decisive, opinionated stance on something. So someone's like, where do you want to eat? I want to go to this place. That sounds great. Oh, how could I Say that. How could I say that and not say, well, what about you? Where do you want to eat? Just try it. Just do it. It's like, you do it. You might feel a little uncomfortable, and then do it again. You do it. You build that tolerance for it. And you just gotta trust and know that this is super important for your own health. This is what's gonna draw people to you. And here's the thing. It is not about getting what you want all the time. We don't get what we want all the time. I mean, you might say, what do I want in this moment? I want a million dollars and a Philly cheesesteak. That's what comes into your mind? I don't know, but I don't know. Maybe you're watching this at midnight and there's no places that are open for Philly cheesesteaks. And you check your bank account. There's not a million dollars in there. So I don't know. You don't just get what you want instantly just because you want it. But when you can communicate what you want, you can do so powerfully, you get what you want more of the time, and you just feel good. It's not about getting what you want. It's about saying what you want. It's about expressing what you want and having the dialogue be open. Hey, I want to go get some Mexican food. The other person's like, I don't know. There's no good Mexican places around here. Oh, really, man? Let's look at our phones and see. And you look around, you're like, oh, shit, you're right. Well, let's get something else. And so you're not getting what you want in that situation. But it was all above. It was all on the table. You were having a natural expression conversation with each other. So when you do that, you build up your ability to speak up for yourself. So start small in those little restaurant examples that I'm talking about and keep building it up. Keep building up. Keep taking that risk. If you're uncomfortable as you do it, good, because comfort is killing you. The quest for comfort kills us. We want to step up. We want to break through. We want to get outside of our comfort zone, because that's where everything you want exists. So go ahead and take that bold action. Let me know how it goes in the comments below. Share any questions you have, any comments you have about this and what. Where you've used it in your life. If you see other people that are making comments that you can support or help them with answer those things. I love seeing the dialogues that people have where people are supporting each other more and more. Let's create a little community here and if you want to go deeper, definitely subscribe. You can also go to my website SocialConfidenceCenter.com SocialConfidenceCenter.com tons of great stuff there, including an in depth ebook where I share my five steps to radically improve your confidence now. So until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk with you soon.