How To Start Conversations

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination. With your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. Today you're going to learn something that is an incredibly valuable skill that's going to help you in work, in business, in your personal life, your social life, when it comes to making friends, in your dating life, when it comes to finding more people to date, creating dating opportunities, and ultimately creating the relationship that you really want in your life. This skill, above all, transfers and influences every single area of your life and is a cornerstone to confidence. And that skill is how to start conversation with anyone. And you're going to learn today how to do that. Exactly how to casually and easily start conversations anywhere you go. Whether you're in an airport or a bookstore or on the street or in a coffee shop or at work or in the break room or at a bar, it doesn't matter. You can use this skill anywhere in your life. And the more that you practice this, the more that you master this, the more your confidence is naturally going to increase. So I'm particularly excited to share some very powerful, useful tips with you on how to improve your ability to just casually and easily start conversations with anyone, anywhere you go. And if you want to jump into the conversation, you want to leave me a message, you can go to the website@shrinkforthshyguy.com and record an audio message directly from your computer or your phone with a microphone. You can also go to facebook.com shrink for theshyguy.com you can find us on Twitter shyguyshrink is the Twitter login there. And you can also call the studio hotline, 206-338-3176. That's 206-338-3176. I love to hear your questions, your comments. We've got some really great stuff about what people have been learning and what they want to know. And I'm going to answer some of those questions in some upcoming episodes. And today, though, we're going to focus on how to build this ability to start conversations. And one of the first things we have to start with is what's getting in the way? Because most people think this. They say, well, I don't know what to say. I just don't. My mind goes blank. I don't have anything good to say. I don't know how to keep the conversation going or how to even start. I just really don't even know what to say. That's the most common thing that I hear and I know that that feels true because you really don't have an idea what to say. But there's something deeper than that. That's not the end of the story. That's not all she wrote. You might have a blank mind, but underneath that there are powerful mindsets, beliefs, stories at work that are creating that experience of not having anything to say. Because trust me, when you're totally relaxed, when you're hanging out with a good buddy, or you're just by yourself, or you're on the phone with someone that you know for really well, you don't have to think of things to say. It just comes out of you. Have you ever had that experience where you're just in flow and having a great conversation? You're not thinking of what's the next thing to say, what's the next thing to say. So there's something happening when it comes to meeting someone new where we have that feeling of I don't know what to say. And what's underneath that are beliefs and mindsets. And I call these unhelpful mindsets. These are unhelpful mindsets when it comes to starting conversations with people. And if you notice yourself in any of these mindsets, then what I'd like you to do is take your right hand if you're right handed, or your left hand if you're left handed, reach up into the air, go back up over your head and pat yourself on the back. Because that's a great thing to do, is to notice some of the mindsets that are holding you back. Because once you notice those, then you can shift them and then you can start taking new actions and having new experiences and ultimately start to feel a lot more social freedom. So what is the first unhelpful mindset that is that it's inappropriate to talk to people that I don't know, it's inappropriate to go talk to a stranger. Now that idea can get implanted way back when, when you were a young lad or a young lass and you just got a message from society, from your parents, like don't talk to them, don't bother those people. And I see this all the time. Just the other day I was in a supermarket and I was gathering some things and this little like 3 year old kid came over to me and I don't even know what he said. He's like, you know, I like chocolate milk or something, something. And I turned to him, I had a Big smile on my face. I was like, this kid's awesome. And I was like, that's cool. Or I said something like that. And all of a sudden then his, you know, his mom catches up to him and she's like, you know, Tim or Timothy, and like, kind of grabs him. He's like, leave him alone. And she looks at me and she's like, sorry. And I said, no need to apologize. I was really enjoying talking to him. But that was just my attempt to try to kind of break her pattern. But I don't think she. I don't. I don't think it got through to her, but that he gets the message there, that it's not okay to come talk to me now. Why is it not okay to come talk to me? Maybe she's scared. Maybe she's got some story. But her story was, oh, my God, my son's bothering people. But anyway, we take this on and then we carry this forward and we have this idea of like, oh, I'm bothering people. I'm putting people out. It's inappropriate to go talk to people. I'm interrupting them. I'm bothering them. That's the first unhelpful mindset. If you notice yourself adopting that mindset in the past, then pat yourself on the back. You're learning something. You're about to shift it. The second unhelpful mindset that I see is this. People don't want to talk to me specifically. So sometimes people say, yeah, yeah, it's okay to go talk to someone. I understand that if you're charming and if you're good looking and, you know, successful and rich and all that stuff. Me, I'm a weird loser. I shouldn't be. No one's gonna want to talk to me. People don't want to talk to me. They might talk to someone else. But me, no. And it's because I'm a nuisance. I'm a bother. There's something wrong with me. And my presence just really takes away from any situation that I go to. That's another unhelpful mindset. Do you see yourself? And that, if so, great. Give yourself a pat on the back, Big smile on your face. This is good. No reason to attack you. No reason to be down on yourself. This is good stuff. Because guess what you're gonna learn right now. More helpful mindsets. Hey, as if by design, I'm leading us through a process. More helpful mindsets. So what are those? Maybe you can even come up with one right now. Like, if you know the unhelpful mindset, you can generally come up with a more helpful mindset, which is the opposite of the unhelpful one, in case you're wanting a clue. So what is a more helpful mindset? What can you come up with? Come up with one right now. I'm going to share several with you. But don't just wait passively for me to give you the answers. Come up with one on your own. Because whatever you come up with for yourself, you're going to own it, and it's going to get into your mind much deeper and much more powerfully. Great. So here are some helpful mindsets. One is, of course people want to talk with me. Of course people want to talk with me. The of course is important there. It's almost like, duh, like, assuming it. Like, of course people want to come talk with me. Why wouldn't they? Of course people want to come talk with me. Of course people want me to come talk with them. Another one is I just enjoy interacting with my fellow humans. I really got that one from a counselor I was working with, and I was really stuck in shyness. And, you know, I wanted to be able to just chat with someone at a supermarket. And I was like, but it's so weird and it's so inappropriate and they're not gonna want to talk to me. And he's like, what if you're just the kind of person that likes to interact with your fellow humans everywhere you go? And you don't have to be a crazy extrovert where everywhere you go, you're always talking to people. But when you want, you can just give yourself the permission to start a conversation with someone. Here's a final mindset that's really helpful, and that is that the reality is people are in their own bubbles. They're in their cell phones, they're in their thoughts. They're often disconnected and dissatisfied. That's how a lot of people are walking around. If you look at their faces, their heads are slightly down, their mouths are in a tight. The lips are tight together. They're in their thoughts. Their brows are slightly furrowed. They're disconnected and dissatisfied. And I'm here to brighten their day and add value. That's a powerful mindset if you can really adopt that. Hey, I'm just here to brighten people's day. People are often not fully satisfied, and I just have a fun interaction with them and things are better for a moment. People just want to be happy underneath. Now, if that was your mindset that people are just in Their own bubbles. And it's your job to poke through and pop the bubble for a moment and just, hey, help them realize, like, hey, we're all humans and we're all connected and let's have a fun interaction for a moment and they'll let you go on your on your way. What do you think that's going to do to your confidence? What do you think that's going to do to your ability to go start a conversation with someone? Exactly. So the mindset is so important here. Without that mindset, you can get so much fear and so much discomfort before you even go do it. So what I'm going to share after the break, which is some techniques and strategies for actually starting the conversation. You have to have your mindset in line before you go do that. Otherwise it's going to be really hard to overcome that fear. So we're going to take a quick break, and when we get back, we're going to get into some of the easiest ways to specifically start a conversation. You're going to learn two simple ways to start that conversation with anyone, no matter where you are and where you go. Stay tuned. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up, J dawg?

Sup, whizzy? Nothing.

Hey, man, I just saw this video on YouTube from this pickup artist dude. He says he slept with 40,000 women.

Damn.

I know. He said, if you want to hook up, you have to make fun of women so they want you.

I can dig it. Word.

I'm going to try it now with her. Check this out. Hey, how you doing?

Doing okay?

Cool. Cool. Your shirt is really big. It doesn't fit you very well.

What a mean thing to say. Jerk.

Yeah, it looks like the kind of shirt a woman who is much fatter.

Than you are would wear. Ugh. Get away from me.

Okay.

How'd it go, man?

Pretty good. She talked with me for, like, 30 seconds.

Damn. That's a long time, man. Did you get her number? Almost.

But then she had to go.

Damn. Are you tired of pickup artist tactics and approaches that don't feel genuine? 30 days to dating Mastery teaches you proven confidence building principles to increase your confidence with women, all while being yourself. No manipulative tactics needed. Go to 30days to datingmastery.com to get your copy today. Welcome back. So what are the ways to start conversations? How can we do this? And the simplest way that I've broken it down is there's only two things that you can do not only to start a conversation, but even when you're in the conversation, there's literally only two things that are going to come out of your mouth. Two categories of things. You ready? Can you maybe guess what they are? The first is ask a question. Ask a question. The second is make a statement or a comment.

That's it.

Those are the only two things you can do. Everything that comes out of your mouth, I mean, other than listening, which is a very important part of the conversation, that's when you're silent. But asking a question when you're speaking, it's either asking a question or making a statement. Think about it. Pay attention to the next conversation. Everything that anyone says is a combination of those two things. And you can use those to start a conversation. Hey, how's it going today? Where'd you get that? What's that in your cart? What are you reading? What are all those? Those are all questions. How about statements? Man, it is hot in here. This line is really long. What a gorgeous day. This looks like a nice place to sit. I'm just coming up with things off the top of my head outside of any sort of context, but you can see where they might apply. Those are just statements. And you could do this. This is the powerhouse. You can combine a statement with a question to start a conversation. Hey, that's a cool bracelet. Where did you get it? I like your watch. What kind is it? Right, so you make a statement and you ask a question. It might seem like, wait a minute, that's it? That's how you do it? Yes, that's it. Simple is better. I was working with one guy. I was just having a conversation with him this morning. He's in the UK and he's had for many years a fear around starting conversations with people. And over the last few months, he's just been making awesome progress. And he said to me today, he said, aziz, it's so strange. Well, he says it in his British accent, but he says, aziz, it's so strange because it doesn't really matter. I just. I'm saying the. He used some British term. It was like, oh, God, dribble or something. All I do is say just random dribble. And it starts the conversation. And he's, like, shocked by it. I'm like, yeah, it doesn't matter what you say. It's just as long as you take the risk and say, hey, I'm just going to jump into a conversation. And the simpler it is, the better. The more complex you try to get and overthink it, the more you just start getting in your way and holding yourself back. Let me give you some specific examples and specific scenarios so you can see just how easy this is. Just recently, I was in an airport, and I was going to be flying somewhere, and I was really hungry. I had some snacks, but, you know, I needed something substantial, and I didn't want to sit down at a restaurant. I didn't have much time. So I went into, like, the little travel area where they had prepackaged food, salad sandwiches and stuff. And I was like, I'll get the salad. I don't know. I was kind of craving some sort of heavier comfort food. I saw they had an egg salad sandwich sitting there prepackaged, and it was from a local delicatessen here in Portland. So, you know, I somewhat trusted it. But I don't know if you've ever seen Futurama, the TV show, but there's an episode where Fry eats an egg salad sandwich from a truck stop and gets this colony of bacteria inside of him. And I always associated, like, eggs, you know, prepackaged in a sandwich to be kind of risky, right? You can get some bacteria when I get sick from it. So I'm sitting there, I'm kind of stroking my chin, being like, should I get that or not? And this beautiful woman walks by, and I said, hey, what do you think about egg salad? What was that statement or question? That's right. It was a question. I just said, hey, what do you think about egg salad? And she stopped and she's like, no, I wouldn't do that. And I was like, oh, because just like the. You don't like it or you're something about. Are you worried about getting ill from it? And she paused and she's like, no, I guess I just don't eat it because I just don't. I try to, you know, eat healthier stuff than that. I was like, oh, cool. That's. Thanks. That was it. That was the conversation. And I started with a question. I asked another question. I was curious about the second one, right? That's what I was trying to get at. Does someone else think that egg sandwiches are dangerous? And by the way, you can go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and leave me a message about your thoughts on egg sandwiches and their safety if they're prepackaged. I'd like to know. But I could have made that into a longer conversation if I wanted to, but I didn't. I could have said, oh, what kind of stuff do you eat? Or, oh, yeah, I see you have a fruit cup there. So what kind of stuff do you eat, and we could have gone into a conversation about food and health right there. But just see how easy it was. All it took me to do was to say hey and just blurt something out. And what allowed me to blurt something out? Those mindsets, of course people want to talk with me. I'm just popping people's bubbles and starting conversations and brightening people's days. I'm just interacting with my fellow humans. You treat strangers as if you're familiar, as if they're your friend, right? That's what. What you do with your good friend. If you're sitting there at the airport with a good friend and you say, hey, man, do you think I should get the egg salad? Is that gonna make me sick? Right? So you just say the same thing to a stranger and treat them in the same familiar way, and bam, you're engaged in a fascinating, fun, easy conversation. Another example, I was in downtown Phoenix recently with a good friend of mine, and we were walking around some kind of landscapey park area in the downtown with trees and cactuses and shit, whatever you'd have in Phoenix. And there was a woman that walked by kind of in front of us, and she had one of those flashbulb umbrellas that a photographer carries and a big camera around her neck. And my friend said, get this, this is. This is some high technique stuff. He said, are you doing a photo shoot?

That's it.

Are you doing a photo shoot? I mean, how obvious is that? Obviously, she's doing a photo shoot. She has a light bulb and a camera, duh. But it was easy. That's all it took. And then she started talking to him. She's like, well, yeah, actually, I'm doing a photo shoot for an engagement session. And I was like, an engagement session? What's that? And we started chatting for a while. We talked to her for about four or five minutes. Talk some about photography, some about something else. And we're like, okay, we'll let you get to your couple to shoot the engagement. So session, have fun. And that was it. I mean, this is not rocket science. This is really simple stuff. But again, my friend has that mindset of, of course people want to talk with me. I'm just interacting with my fellow humans. And people are often in their own heads, in their own worlds, and I'm just here to brighten their day, right? And it makes it so easy when you do this. And you might say, well, you know, that's just what you do. Most people don't do that kind of stuff. Stuff au Contraire, not too much longer in same place. In Phoenix, we were at this Mexican restaurant and we were sitting at this table and I was chatting with my friend, and I don't remember what he said, but for some reason it reminded me of the term phalanx. And if you're a guy listening right now, do you know what a phalanx is? And I actually asked my friend that. I said, do you know what a phalanx is? He's like, yeah, of course. It's like a fighting unit with shields and stuff. And I was like, I know that too. I don't know much about military history, but does every guy know what a phalanx is? So if you're a guy listening, do you know what a phalanx is? And if you do, I think that's pretty funny. I don't know why we all know that, but he said, yeah, it's interesting. Our phalanxes, were they Greek? Are they Roman? Are they Greek? And then from across and one table down, like, literally like 15ft away, some dude with a beard is like, Greek. We both stop and look at him. He's like, they're Greek. And I just laughed. I was like, does every guy know what a phalanx is? And he's like, well, actually, yeah. I mean, I used to be in the military. I studied military history. I love that stuff. And then we got into a fascinating four or five minute conversation about phalanxes. He said, why they were like the cutting edge technology, military tech of the day. And then we got into talking about redcoats and how they all used to line up. And this is going to way later than phalanx is, but lining up in line with their muskets and just like firing at each other. And we talked about what that must have been like. Like how shitty that must have been to be a ground troop in that situation. And we just went from there. And it was a fun, fascinating conversation. And how did it start? Because he said a comment. Phalanx are Greek. Because he heard us ask the question. He just jumped in. Now, when he jumped in, did we say, excuse me, stranger. We were having our own conversation. We don't like you and we reject you. No, because we're reasonable people and we like to talk to someone. And he was bringing value. He was brightening our day. He was adding something to the conversation. And so of course, we welcomed him in and it was really fun. And the same is true for you. You can be that guy. You can just jump in. You can hear Something you can overhear a word someone says. Yeah. The other day, you know, I was moving a bunch of brick from one part of my house to another, right. And he's talking to someone else and you can just jump in and say, oh, what kind of brick? Where were you moving it to?

Bam.

You're into the conversation. Don't let that fear, that inhibition and oh, people aren't going to like it. That's bullshit. The reality is you can just jump right and sure, one out of 10 people is going to be kind of a dick or say, don't talk to me. But the other nine out of 10 people are going to just roll with it because people like talking to each other. So we're going to take a quick break. When you get it back, I'm going to give you some success tips on how to make your conversation starting go really smoothly, how to overcome any fears or blocks that might come up, and how to really make this a part of your life. So stay tuned. We'll be right back after this.

And have you ever wanted to know how to start conversations with anyone? How to never run out of things to say, how to make friends quickly and easily, how to shift out of boring small talk conversations and into something way more fun? And how to stop second guessing yourself during conversations so you can feel completely relaxed while talking with anyone? If so, you need to learn the nine elements of social mastery, which is a key component of Dr. Aziz's program, the Confidence Coach. Go to www.yourconfidencecode.com to get your copy today and become a conversation master.

Welcome back. So how do you make this an easy part of your life? How do you make it where you can just instantly start a conversation and just share something without even thinking about? How can you become so good at this that it just becomes unconscious? It's just part of who you are. It's just what you do. The first thing and success tip I want to share is practice. You got to practice it. You got to be willing to just do this stuff. One guy I've been working with for a couple months, he made a lot of progress initially and he's kind of tapered off. He's been focusing on dating and relationships. And what we came to in our last conversation, our last session is realizing that he's just got to practice more. So we got really specific, really structured and said, okay, what days of the week after work are you going to do and what are you going to do? And so he came up with it three days during the Week after work, he's going to stop by somewhere before he just goes home and goes into his comfort zone. He's going to set a timer for 20 minutes and he's just going to walk around and say hi to people and practice and engage and look for opportunities to converse. And if he does that for three weeks in a row, he'll be in a totally different place. I know it seems so simple, but it's really just a matter of putting in the effort, putting in the time and the practice. And you can make rapid progress, especially, especially in this area of starting conversations and initiating interactions, because it's really not that complex. It's actually very simple when you have the right mindset and you just jump in and take the risks. The second tip for success that I want to share is you have to be willing to drive the conversation. If you're jumping into the conversation, then you cannot be super passive. When I say passive, I mean that the passive person in the conversation is the one where the other person leads the whole thing, right? So they say, what kind of work do you do? Oh, you know, I'm in high tech. Oh, cool.

Where do you work?

I work for Intel. Oh great. What kind of job do you do? You know, like, you know, product development. Alright, so if you're the guy who's just giving the answers, then you are not leading the conversation, you are being passive. And you're also not giving the other person much to work with. But you have to be willing to be the one to ask the questions, make the comments. Not just the first one to start the conversation, but several more. You got to be willing to drive the conversation for about 60 seconds and see if it takes off. And if you can get into a role and a conversation with the person, if you can't, if it's just you asking questions and they're not giving you much, then you can exit after a minute or so. But don't exit before then, because them not responding a whole lot immediately doesn't mean they hate you. It doesn't mean you're a bad guy and you're bothering them and you're inappropriate. And all those old stories and mindsets, all that it means is that you haven't locked into a conversation yet. Maybe you haven't found a topic that connects both of you. Maybe they're still in their own head. Maybe they're like, wait a minute, what's this guy talking to me for? Does he want something? But you chat for about 30 seconds and all of a sudden they realize oh, this guy's just being friendly. And then they open up. So many things can happen for them in those first 60 seconds. You just gotta be willing to lead the conversation. And if this stuff is useful for you, if you're finding this helpful, then you absolutely, you wanna go. I mean, we're just at the surface level. You wanna go 10 layers deep into the nuts and bolts of conversation. From starting them to creating engaging interactions to really getting into groups and getting out of that phase where you're kind of afraid to jump into groups and how to tell stories, all that stuff. Then you want to go way deep into that. Check out my program, the confidence code, which is going to go so many layers deep in helping you understand this stuff from the inside out so you can just make it part of who you are. And that brings us to your action step. Time for action. Today's action step. Simple. Start three conversations today. Today. Now. If you're listening to this and it's 11pm or whatever, then get your ass to 7 11. No, do it tomorrow. Whatever, that's fine. But literally tomorrow, as soon as you can, don't say, well, I work tomorrow. Do it after work. Do it on your lunch break. Start three conversations today. Now. A conversation can be a 10 second interaction. What do you think about the egg salad? Oh yeah. Well, because you're worried about it making it sick or you just don't like it. Oh, cool, thanks. That's a conversation that counts. That only took about 12 seconds. Or you can have a longer one if you want. But the key is you got to start three today. And if you really want to go for the gold, then do it every day this week or five times. Know five days this week. Something that works for you. But the more you practice this stuff, the better you're going to get. The more it's going to become part of who you are and ultimately the better your life's going to become. Because if you can start conversations with people you know, your social life will improve. You'll be able to create more friendships, your dating life will improve, you'll find awesome girlfriends and partners, your business life will improve. You'll be able to network better, connect with people, find new opportunities, sell more stuff, do what you want in your life. That all comes from conversations. So thanks so much for joining me today and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard heard. Please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sa.