Dr. Aziz explains why guilt shows up after you speak up and how to move through it. He says you're not responsible for others' feelings, and offers breathing techniques to build confidence in expressing your needs.
Do you feel guilty after you say whatever needs to be said? Maybe you have that conversation with someone that you were kind of dancing around or avoiding at work. A partner, a friend, a family member, a lover. Or maybe it's not even a huge conversation. Maybe just in a normal interaction, you said the thing that you needed to say. You said it directly. Hey, I don't really like the way that you're doing this thing. Or I need something different here. This isn't working for me here. I don't like that. Whatever it is, something small like that. Do you feel guilty afterwards? Now you might be saying, no, Aziz, I don't feel guilty. I have a solution to that. I just don't say it. I know, I know, I know that tactic. It's nice person tactic number 33. It's a top, top 10. It's a favorite, right? Avoid it. Well, if you don't say it, then there's nothing to feel guilty about. But there's a cost to that, isn't there? What's that? Well, resentment, frustration, irritation. The problem doesn't go away. It even builds and compounds. And now you're more upset the next time. But you can't show that because you're nice. So it just starts to compound and eventually, like, you know what? Forget that person. I don't want them in my life. I don't even love them anymore. I don't even like them. I don't even turned on by them anymore. If it's a really romantic side or if it's work, it's like, oh, God, how do I avoid that person? Or I gotta quit. I don't like my workplace. We go into these negative, kind of helpless places. So that doesn't work. What's needed is to say what needs to be said to do exactly what you did. The only thing that needs to change is how you think about it afterwards and how you treat yourself afterwards. Because here's what you're doing. And I know, because I get this. As a recovered or recovering nice person, I have a practice of saying what needs to be said. And it's still uncomfortable after all these years. The difference is I'm willing to do it because I know that it improves all my relationships. It improves my mood, my energy, my confidence, and my health. And it actually gets effective things done in the world. Because if I'm afraid to say what needs to be said in work and business, then things might not happen properly. If I'm afraid to say what needs to be said in my romantic relationship, that's going to suffer, and it's going to be start to distance that forms between us. So I know that the alternative is no longer tenable. It's not going to work for me anymore. And I imagine you're in the same place if you're watching this video. So what do we do? We got to take the action, say what needs to be said, and then notice when that thing clicks on your mind, says, oh, that was so terrible. That was so terrible. That was so terrible. And what the problem is that we have that idea that that was terrible, and we react to it as if. That's so like as if you really did push someone in the mud and step on their back and say, eat it, you loser. Or you did something really mean or awful or bad or wrong. So your guilt mechanism is firing off inappropriately. That's the only problem here. Not that you spoke up, not that you were real, not that you were authentic. In fact, those are good things. It's just your guilt mechanism is firing off preemptively too much, too sensitively, too easily, distortedly. So remind yourself of that. Catch that and say, ah, there's guilt, huh? What rule is it that I broke? You want to question the guilt? Say, hold on a second, hold on a second. What, what rule did I break there? I shouldn't speak up. I shouldn't say what needs to be said. I shouldn't ever say anything. But what if the other person got upset? What if it hurt their feelings? Well, then they're an adult. They can work with that. That's okay. It's okay. I mean, I was clear. I wasn't attacking them and spitting at them and calling them names. I just said what I needed or didn't need or what I liked or didn't like. And they're an adult. I'm not responsible for their feelings. You might have to remind yourself of that one, oh, I don't know, a thousand times. Take a deep breath in. I'm not responsible. You can just let go. You realize that it might not seem like that. You might be like, no, I've done it. I've sinned, and now I must suffer and be punished for the next 37 hours. Or you could just choose right now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to do that. No, no, no, that's okay. That's okay that you know that that's the guilt. No, thank you. And just breathe and let that guilt kind of fizzle away. You don't tell. You don't have to force it away. You just kind of stop picking it up. Stop eating that guilt sandwich tastes terrible. Just put it down. Put down the guilt sand. Eat the sandwich. Don't eat the sandwich. Just put it down. Put it down and enjoy your day. And then the next time you get into that meeting, that situation, that relationship, that conversation, do it again. Say what needs to be said. Do what scares you until fear has no power to stop you. You will transform your life. If you want to go Further, go to drzez.coM-R-A z I z.com Check out my eBook, 5 Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. If you've already gotten that ebook, check out what's Further. More opportunities to work with me this year to grow, to transform. Let's do this. Let's make 2021 the best year of your life. Until we speak again. May have the confidence to be who you are, the courage to share who you are, and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
