How To Stop Fighting & Create An Extraordinary Relationship! | Dr. Aziz, Confidence Coach

Do you want to have an extraordinary relationship? Got to read this book. It's called after the Honeymoon. Look, look at the emotional intensity of this photo. She's walking away in pain and hurt and disgust and he's like, oh, come on baby. But this book profoundly shifted my ability to connect. I read it right around the time that I got together with my wife Candice in 2011. And I was just recommending it to someone in my Mastermind program last week and I said you should read it. You all should read it. Everyone should read it. So guess what? You should read it if you want. Only if you want to have a high quality relationship where you're able to avoid repeating conflicts and fighting and getting stuck and bickering over the day to day stuff and develop way more intimacy than you ever thought possible. And use your relationship to feel more, more love than you ever have before and heal up a lot of insecurities and issues that you've had your whole life and use your relationship as a vehicle for your own growth and transformation. Otherwise, don't worry about it. But if you do want it, obviously get the whole book. It's written by Dan Weil. I did an interview for him on my podcast. You can check that out. Shrinkforthshyguy.com just go to there shrinkforthshyguy.com and type in Dan Weil. Do a search for it. But I was flipping through this old notebook here. It's very pretty and green, very Portland. And I have great stuff in here. I have some notes from Date with Destiny with Tony Robbins and other stuff. But I also have notes from Dan Weil after the honeymoon from 2011. So this is going to be by no means a comprehensive summary. Check out the whole book to really transform your relationship in your life. I'm going to give you some tidbits that I wrote down, you know, what is it seven years ago now that that were useful for me then that I still think are fantastic pieces of advice directly from Dan Weil, the man himself. So here's some some pieces of wisdom in no particular order. Stuffing things down doesn't work in your relationship. Feelings of resentment build and come out in weird and unpredictable ways. Have you ever had that those weird and unpredictable out. Why? Why am I so insane? Here's how you can blend your problems into the relationship as opposed to wanting a relationship that has no problems. Because he said, listen to this. Each relationship has its own set of unsolvable problems that can best be dealt with by developing a shared non judgmental Vantage point so you can view the problems together. Each relationship has its own set of unsolvable problems. The extremely relieving, actually, because you're like, oh, my God, there's problems in my relationship means I'm doomed. It's like, no, Every relationship has that. It's about how you learn to work with them. So how do you learn to work with them? You have to blend the problem into the relationship. Here are three tips on doing that. One, you have to hold an ongoing conversation about the problem rather than avoiding it. And then it explodes every once in a while in some angry outburst. Expecting number two is expecting the problem to reoccurring, planning for it. And then number three is turning the problem to positive use. So here's the thing. He has some great ideas on intimacy. Many people believe that intimacy comes from spending a lot of time together, enjoying the same things and having the same interests. But in reality, intimacy comes from telling your partner the main things on your mind and hearing the main things on your partner's mind. It's so simple and yet so scary that we don't do it. Intimacy is the contact that partners make with one another about their wishes, concerns, and problems. So when you're talking with your partner about your wishes, your concerns, and your problems, not only out there in your job and with parenting and everything else, but also between you guys. The problems between you guys being able to talk about the problems in your relationship, oh, that's terrifying. You're not supposed to have any problems. And if you have problems, you're not supposed to talk about them. Because we just fight. Well, you got to learn a better way to talk about them, because most people blame each other for their problems. He says that in a relationship, it's like an airport. That's what the relationship is like. It's like an airport with lots of things going on. Scheduled and unscheduled feelings arrive and depart all the time. Partners need to get across feelings, worries, and dissatisfactions about the relationship in a way that doesn't lead to arguments. Without this kind of talk, long periods of time together can be quite difficult. Have you ever experienced that it's really hard to be with someone because you can't talk about what's really going on. Either they're too sensitive, or you think it's bad and you feel you're such a nice person that you don't want to bring anything up. And then it's like, oh, my God, it's been a day I got to get away from you. Right? I used to have that all the time. I used not be able to spend more than a day with someone, and now I can spend, you know, man, infinite time with Candace. You need. Here's the simple. Just straight to the punch. You need to be able to talk about your challenges and problems with the relationship, not like behind their back to a friend, but with each other. So how do you do that? Right. You're probably wondering. That all sounds great, Aziz. How do we do that? So the problem is that we have sensitivities. We have ways that we feel like we're unlovable. And when you question your lovability, you're sensitive to slights which you interpret as signs of your unlovability. So they say something or they do something. Like, what did you mean by that? What is that? And we get all hurt and defensive and angry. And so the sensitivities aren't the problem, though. The problem, because everyone's got sensitivities, right? The problem is that we criticize ourselves for having that sensitivity. We don't want to show that we have that sensitivity because that's so vulnerable. We feel so weak and, oh, my God, they're gonna blame me more and make fun of me. So we hide the sensitivity, and then we go on the counter attack. And that's where you get in. You know, the reason that so many conflicts are. Don't lead to getting closer is because it's just this, like, we're trying to protect that feeling of unlovability and just hurling things back to the other person. Ow. There's something wrong with me. That's a sensitivity. You're slighting me. There's something wrong with me. You know, let's say that they don't, you know, they're busy or they seem distracted when they're with you. And then you're like, oh, am I not worth their attention? Are they not even paying attention to me? And then deep down, there's something wrong with me. I'm not lovable. And that's so painful to go there that we're like, there's nothing wrong with me. There's something wrong with you. You know what your problem is? And then it's off to the races, right? Just back and forth, mudslinging. Here is an example. Now, I don't know if this is directly from his book or an example that I came up with about my own life that I would say using what I learned in his book, but he gives you a new way to talk that is life changing. Here's an example. I'm Feeling really insecure tonight. I kept thinking you wished you were with someone else. And I really miss you're not. And I really miss you're not snuggling up to me as you usually do. And this is really hard to talk about. And I almost didn't because I'm ashamed of how insecure I can get now. I know you could have a variety. Just what is your reaction to that? Because I know some people, especially my male clients, when I share this with them, they're like, what are you talking about? I can't talk like that. Okay. I was like, well, great. What's your strategy? I tell her that she's a withholding bitch. It's like, okay, great. How's that working? Right? So well, maybe that's kind of playfully extreme. But, you know, I'm going to criticize her. I'm going to tell her, listen, this is what I want. And it's like, look, Dan talked about this in his book, too. Dan Wall's book. This is just a pitch fest for after the honeymoon. He says that, you know, men especially, but everyone thinks we should be really, really independent. I don't need anybody. That's. Our culture exalts that, right? You know, think Clint Eastwood. But the truth is, we're all extremely dependent. We're interdependent on everything around us. Where does your water come from? Where does your sewage go? Where does your garbage go? Where does your food come from? Right? You're interdependent on everyone who raised you, who nursed you or gave you food when you were a child. We're interdependent. We're so dependent on everything around us. And the issue is not that we should be more, you know, should be independent. The issue is that we should become more skillful at being interdependent and connected with others, more skillful at meeting our needs. So if you say to someone, you need to give me more attention, you, you're too self absorbed. Maybe that sounds tougher. It makes you feel a little tougher. But it's not effective. You're not going to have an effective relationship if you talk like that. But if you say, honey, I'm feeling insecure right now, I'm actually uncomfortable to talk about this. I feel, like, ashamed. But there's a part of me that just really wants your attention right now. I'm wondering if we could just talk for a few minutes. I would love that. Right? That's extremely skillful. And you're. And you're way more likely to get a positive response. When I'm able to talk like this with Candace, it melts her heart. She's like, of course I want to give you attention. Whereas if I come at her swinging, we all know how that goes. So use this in your life. Get after the honeymoon and let's make extraordinary relationships. Alright, talk to you soon. Till we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.