How To Stop Performing During Conversations

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you if you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. And today we're going to be talking about conversations, social anxiety that you might have during those conversations, and, well, basically how to become a lot more free in those conversations. And there's one specific pattern that I hear all the time from clients that really sucks the joy out of your conversations, makes it harder to connect with others, makes you want to be less social and therefore have, you know, fewer friendships, fewer deep connections. And it comes from this pressure that manifests as performance mode or performing in conversations. And we're really going to unpack that in today's episode so you can leave here feeling a sense of freedom to be able to go talk to people and not have to perform or hustle to make the conversation, go a certain way, to win other people's approval. And really, you can just show up as you. So I'm very excited to share what I can in today's episode. If you want to take things further, which, if you're a fan of this show, you're interested in this episode, I'm going to suggest that you do. You're going to want to come to my virtual event that we have coming up in just a little bit. It's called Supremely Confident Conversation Master. And in that event, you're going to learn over the course of three days, virtually how to talk to anyone, how to start conversations casually and comfortably, how to know what to say next, how to be more charming, more funny, more witty, how to speak up in groups, and most importantly, how to. How to be comfortable and confident in your own skin, no matter who you're around, if they're beautiful or powerful or successful. It doesn't change things for you. Just there you are being you. So I'm very excited to share this with you. We've done this event many times over the years, and it's produced powerful results for People, if you'd like to attend, now would be a great time to get your ticket because we're doing the super early bird where you can get 80% off of your ticket makes it very reasonable to attend. You can attend from anywhere in the world as long as you have the Internet, which you do. If you're listening to this and to find out about it, get your tickets, go to doctoraziz.com that'S-R-A Z I Z.com and click on the Events tab and you will see an opportunity to join Supremely Confident Conversation Master for the discounted price while it's available, which will just be for the next little short period of time here. But let me share. Before the event, let me share more about this performance mode thing and how to shift it. So first of all, I am going to assume that you relate to this because if you've ever experienced social anxiety, you know what performance mode is. It's the opposite of true connecting. Because when you're in real connection with somebody, let's break it down so you can see through contrast what connection is and what it isn't. Just take a moment to think about a deep conversation you've had. Or even if it wasn't that deep, maybe it was just light and pleasant and banter. But you felt a connection with someone, you felt good in that conversation. You felt right there with them. You were enjoying it. Maybe time was going by faster. Take a moment to actually think about that conversation, even if it was a while back. Now, in those kinds of conversations, what are you focused on? Are you focused on the last thing you said? And if it was good enough, are you critiquing? Are you focused on the content, focused on the other person, focused on the environment? You are out of your head. And in the moment, in a great conversation, was your body tense, keyed up, armored? Or is it relaxed? Was your belly relaxed? Was your shoulders relaxed? Your chest relaxed? Like you. Your physical body was open to connection, right? And then when we're tense, when we're nervous, when we're scared, is when we armor up, is when we get super focused on ourselves. And even though you can have a conversation from this state, it's not going to be a good one. And even if you can pull off your performance good enough so that the other person's like, well, that was a good performance, I guess you don't feel good, you don't feel connected. And honestly, they don't feel as connected as you might think they do. Because even if they don't say it to you, there's something energetically going on, right? That, that, that mental and emotional barrier that you have put up, it creates an energetic block. And they don't, they might not know, hey, I'm sensing some energetic. They're just like, yeah, I just didn't feel as something connected I guess with that person. Even if they never say that to you, that just might be their experience because you are putting off something that's incongruent. Now. Where does this come from? Well, it comes from fear. Like why are you afraid in the first place? This is a great question I always ask people when we're working on social anxiety. It's like, yeah, of course I'm nervous in this situation, I'm nervous in that situation. I'll ask them, but why? And it might sound like a kind of a silly basic question. But the reason I ask it is because when I experienced social anxiety for many years of my life, over a decade of my life, I experienced chronic daily pretty severe social anxiety. I didn't really ask myself, why am I nervous to go talk to that girl? Why am I nervous to speak up in this group? Why am I nervous even just being around those other people that seem better or more attractive than me? Me, why am I just nervous kind of all the time? It's just, that's how it is, that's how it was. Because when we start to ask why, and I don't mean asking why in kind of a accusatory cross examining kind of way, like why are you this way? Is it because you're a loser? Because you're a loser, Isn't it right? No, just with true curiosity and maybe another way to ask instead of just saying why is saying how am I creating this? What am I doing to create this? Because there's a way that you're holding yourself others reality that makes the situation threatening. And until you've started to unravel that, it's going to be really hard to not be performing in conversations because you feel threatened. And then as a result it's not safe. It's not safe to let your guard down. It's not safe to be you. And so you have to just get through the conversation. And as well as possible almost it's like it turns the conversation into a test, a test that you haven't studied for. You know, it's like one of those nightmare scenarios. You go to sleep, you instead of having a pleasant dream of a nightmare, oh my gosh, I'm at this test. I can't I don't. I didn't study for it. I didn't even know the subject. And I'm in my underwear and everyone's laughing. Right? Nightmare styles. So that's what conversations can feel like is you're in this performance and you're not prepared for it, and you're not doing well at it. And if you've ever had the experience of leaving a test, I certainly have. And you don't even need to wait to see the grade. You just know it's gonna be bad, right? It's like, oh, God, okay, And how do you walk out of that classroom, right, with your head held high, smile on your face, you know, pep in your step. No. Right. Sluggish. It's down. It's like, ugh, I'm a failure. And that's how you can leave conversations in performance mode. No matter what your performance was, or at best, if you just really nailed it, you leave with a sense of temporary relief because you got to perform again the next time you see those people, right? Or maybe for you, it's bad enough that you're performing in every conversation, and that's exhausting and it's not sustainable and you don't need to do it. So what are you doing to create this sense of threat around other people? And that's a, that's a bigger question addressing social anxiety. But I'll give you some, some signposts here that might illuminate the path for you. One is, fundamentally, there's a core perception or belief of yourself as somehow less than inferior, not enough, inadequate. Those are all words that I'm using to point towards the same thing. Broken, defective, unlovable, unworthy are what emerge out of that inadequacy, right? So I'm not enough. And that's also makes me not really worthy or lovable. Now, that might instantly ring true for you. Like, oh, yeah, I see that. But sometimes people like, no, I feel pretty good about myself. I'm pretty awesome. It's like, look, I'm not saying you're walking around with chronic low self esteem. That's what I had. That's what many people I talk to have. But you might not. Maybe you feel great when you're at work. You're like, I crush it. I'm the best. Okay, how about on a date? There's just a client I was working with in my Mastermind program. He's a successful doctor when he's in the. Remember, he might have some conflict with other practitioners, and he's working on being more assertive there. But overall, he feels pretty confident in himself and his abilities based on his training and experience and his identity in that environment. So he's not walking around thinking, I'm a loser. I'm inadequate there, but he's not experiencing social anxiety there. He's experiencing social anxiety on a date. Why? Because look at her. Oh, my gosh, she's so great. She's so beautiful. She can have any man. Yeah, okay. She could have any man. Why not you? Why not me? I mean, have you seen me? Right? Instantly, we start to go to the place where you feel inadequate. So it might not be everywhere, but where you feel social anxiety. I guarantee you that underneath that is a sense of inadequacy that's based on a perception of yourself, based on a belief about yourself, a conclusion about yourself, a story about yourself as less than or unworthy. And it could be a physical trait. It could be a personality thing. It could be just some vague idea. You don't even know why, but there it is. And so, from that place, I am not okay. I am not enough. So how the hell am I going to connect with people? How am I going to get this person to want to date me? How am I going to get these people want to be my friends? How am I going to get these people want to like me and talk to me and socialize with me and hire me or whatever it is? I'm not enough. And there's a fundamental error in your perception there that makes that story seem true. And then out of that fundamental error, from that core belief comes, well, a whole lot of hustle, a whole lot of unnecessary action, and a whole lot of suffering because now I got to perform. So if you're wondering where performance mode comes from, it comes exactly from this perception that you're not okay, you're not enough, you're not lovable, for whatever reasons you might have your reasons. Most clients I work with, I'll say, okay, it's time to write your why I suck list by insert your name here. And if I say what I'm saying, oh, no, you have that list now. You just probably don't tell people that list out loud very often. But I know you have it in your head. There's a part of you cataloging it all the time. So we got to get it out on paper so we can start to liberate you from it. Because as long as you're believing this list is real and true, you're not going to be enough. You're going to feel inadequate. You're going to be under threat all the time socially, and you're going to feel social anxiety. You're not going to be free to be yourself. So what's needed is to change that core perception. Because when you change that core perception, all of a sudden it's okay to be me around you, right? Because that's what the performance is. Have you ever studied the performance? I certainly have. When you're in performance mode, you got to be on with people on a date or in a group sometimes. This happens often in group settings, right? Oh, my gosh. Now there's more people around. I gotta pull out my A game. Tell a funny story really loud. That great? Oh, you think that's it. I got a story for you. Everyone gather around right now. I'm not saying that you don't actually want to do. Be able to do this stuff. And that's part of what we teach at the Conversation Master is how there's a. There's a VIP option for the event, which you'd like, you can upgrade to. It makes the days, the trainings longer, and you get recordings of the entire event and other bonuses. But one of them is called I am Charming and in which I teach about storytelling. And the good news is you don't have to have a great story that you pull out every time and tell the same damn thing. You can actually create stories out of your own life, out of your most recent experiences. And they're authentic and they're fresh and they're alive, and they're actually interesting to you as well, not just about performing for others. And I want to share all that with you, so you can check that out if you want to do the VIP version of Supremely Confident Conversation Master. But usually, though, when we're telling a story, when we're in a group, when we're in a date or around those people, you want to be your friend. We're going to the performance. And if you study the performance, it's going to be something. It's. I'm not saying you can't have those qualities, but they're kind of amped up, right? They're turned up a little too high or you're efforting at it. It's not coming from this place of a more relaxed confidence. Here I am. Who are you? This is me, right? That's the essence of that relaxed confidence. Now, if you're believing the story, like, here I am, this loser. I'm sorry, here. Are you this goddess or amazing person? Sorry, you have to interact with me. I'LL do the best I can. Right. If that's the subtext underneath the conversation, the unconscious communication, not going to go well. You know, and it's amazing is I think about my love life because that was what started this all for me when I was young. I was 21 years old and had never really dated much and certainly never dated someone that I was actually really excited about. It was always like, well, I'll take whoever's bold enough to come approach me as I'm hiding in the corner. And that was, let's just say, years in between those opportunities come to my love life. And when I was wanting to start to pursue women, I started to learn about dating confidence. That's what kicked off this whole thing for me. I got a program from David d', Angelo, which is a pen name of Eben Pagan. It was called Double youe Dating. And it was teaching me dating confidence. And it was the first time I even learned about the fact you could. That the thoughts you thought weren't necessarily true about yourself, that you could change, that you could approach people and women differently and have different responses. And what I learned through that was that every time I talked to a woman, this is nothing about what I would say, but underneath there was a loud and clear. A communication that was so freaking loud, you might as well be screaming it. That was saying, you're out of my league. I don't deserve to talk to you. You're better than I am. And I would have that with other men, too. Just men that I thought were attractive or athletic or popular or confident or whatever it was. And that was the loudest communication, no matter what the words I would say. Now, on top of that super loud scream of get away free, I'm a loser, I would have a performance mode. And so on the rare occasions where I'd work up the courage to ask a woman out and she did say yes, which did happen maybe like once a year or something. I would go on those dates and I would be, I thought, warm and engaging and interesting and I would tell stories and I'd ask her about herself. You know, I wasn't socially incapable. I could talk to someone, but she just didn't seem to want to see me again. It was really confusing and really frustrating. I didn't know why. And it was because my loud and clear communication is, you don't want to see me again. I don't deserve to talk to you like this. And you might be making that communication right now. And so all the performing that you do is not Going to. Is not really going to alleviate that. And I remember there was a woman that I started to act who actually did respond positively, me, on that first date. Most of the time, they just didn't want anything to do with me, but she responded positively. And I was so utterly anxious on that second date leading up to it, just absolutely terrified. Why? Because what if I can't keep this performance up? Oh, my goodness, I gotta make sure I'm on. So what if. What if you didn't need to perform? You might say, well, hold on a second, Aziz. That's. I'm just supposed to sit there like a log being boring and tired? Well, I mean, is that how you're showing up in your life? Because if so, then we got to take a step back from your social life and maybe look at your health and your vitality. What, are you engaged? Are you engaged in your own life? Are you passionate about something? Do you take care of your body? Do you exercise? Do you eat well? Do you sleep? Do you have things that engage your mind? Do you talk to other friends? Do you have some sense of meaning or purpose in what you do in your day? And if the answer to those things is no, then, like, you got to get on that. You got to start taking responsibility for your own health and your vitality. Because confidence is not some magical social silver bullet. Confidence is an emerging of how you take care of yourself and how you show up in your life. Then the confidence comes. It's a byproduct of who you are and the actions you take and what you choose to do with yourself and your time in your life. And so if you start making little decisions, like, hey, I'll wake up earlier and meditate, or I'm going to exercise a couple times a week, or I'm going to choose this healthier food option, it's going to start to give you energy to show up to your life. Because you not performing is not you sitting there like a, you know, stupefied log. You not performing is you being in the moment. Is you listening to what the person is saying. Right. Remember, we started at this episode. Can you think of a conversation where you just felt really connected? What are you doing? You're focusing on their person. What are they saying? You're not thinking, what am I gonna say? What am I gonna say? What am I gonna say? You're focused on who? The other person, the environment around you. You're listening. You're curious about something. When you want to share, are you heavily filtering it? Is that good enough? Are they gonna like this? Are. Are they gonna like this? No, it's like, I'm interested in this. Oh, hey, that reminds me of something. When you were sharing that, you know, I saw this movie the other day. Have you seen blah, blah, blah? No. Oh, there's a scene I want to tell you about it. Why am I sharing that? Am I sure they're going to like that scene? Am I sure they're going to want to hear about it? I don't know. You can't be sure about that. And if you're waiting to be sure about it and your conversations are super stilted, super held back, they're not going to create thriving connections for you. You gotta let it out, you gotta go, you gotta express, you gotta take those risks. And ultimately, the risk that I'm ultimately asking you to take is to be you, is to simply choose to believe that you, as you are, is enough. And I know that could be a loaded statement that has a lot of objections, but, but, but, but, but, but. And I'm not saying you don't grow and improve. In fact, I'm inviting you to come to this conversation master event so you can grow and improve your conversation skills. And, and guess what we're focusing on at this event a lot of the time is your core sense of self. To know that you're enough, to know that you deserve to talk to. That's what the whole first day is about. Because if I go and share a bunch of conversation skills with you and inside you're feeling like you're not enough, and then you're loudly telegraphing to everybody, don't talk to me. You're out of my league. You're better than me. I'm not worth your time. It doesn't matter what conversation skills you have. So that's the fundamental, core misperception to address. And you might be wondering, well, how do I do that? Well, let's, let's turn this into an action step. Time for action. Action, action. So remember, I share with clients. I would say create your why I suck a list. Why, what do you bring, comma, a list? Or what do you, what do you, what value do you bring? And this isn't because you perform really well. This is just what is your, what is the value of your essence around other people? Just as you are when you're not. When you're with a close friend, when you're not trying to put on something, you're just being you. You might say, well, that's. I don't know. But he's nothing. It's not. I'm just not that impressive. I don't buy that for a second. When I'm working with clients, we go for that. I was just doing this with a client. I don't really do much one on one anymore. I pretty much run everything through the Mastermind program. People can get a one off one on one session with me through our website if you'd like. But in terms of ongoing one on one coaching, I do very little of that. So I can have time to share everything in These podcasts and YouTube videos, in the groups that I run and the events and all that stuff. But once in a while, I'll take on a one on one client. In this case, there was a woman who called me and her son who was in his early 20s, maybe 20 years old, just was really struggling. And just something about her in the situation. I was like, all right, I'll work with him. So I was helping him out and one of our first sessions, we were exploring this why I suck a list. And then we started to say, okay, well, come up with an alternative. You know, what value do you bring? What about you? And he stared at me and blinked. And he said, honestly, I can't think of anything. I said, that's the problem. And guess what? The problem is not that there's nothing on that list. The problem is you don't have access to that list. You deny yourself access to that list. So I said, let's create it right now. And he's like, I don't know. I don't even have any ideas. I said, well, let me share about what my list might be. And I just came up with a couple things. And the reason I was sharing is because I was modeling to him. I didn't share with him, like, here's my seven successes in life and why I'm great. It's just, here's what I'm into, here's what I love. Here's what I appreciate about myself. I appreciate that I can connect with people and help them in the ways that I do. You know, I appreciate my passion for running, and it feels really inspiring to me to be able to do things that I never thought I could do given my history of chronic pain. I went through and just shared a bunch of stuff and none of them were impressive accolades. It was just, this is how I am. This. I was. One of the things I appreciated is the way that I can be playful with my kids or the way that I'm patient. I often will very patiently explain things to my kids to help them slow down and get on their level and try to help them understand things. None of these are headline newspaper headlines. Man sits down with son to explain how a tool works. He's so great. Doesn't impress anybody, but it's what I appreciate. And all of a sudden now there's this foundation of value, of self confidence, of self worth. And that's what we're talking about here. And this is just one exercise. You know, when I run events or when I work with people on Mastermind, we're spending a lot of time over the course for the events. Three full days over the Mastermind. It's course of a year, really radically upgrading and changing this. And by the way, you probably heard me talk about the Mastermind a number of times if you're curious about it. You can also find out all about that@drz.com there's tons of information dashraz.com there's watch the testimonials. They're inspiring, by the way. So you can see tons of testimonials and other information on that page. But the key question is here, are you going to do this? Are you going to write out the what I appreciate about myself list? Are you just going to think about it and say, oh, that was a good idea in theory? Because if you're not willing to take the actions, what's really going to change for you? That's my invitation. And if you want to take things further, definitely check out the virtual event with me and everyone that's going to be there until we speak again. We have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.