How To Stop Settling And Step Up Now

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today I have something exciting I want to share with you that I've been anticipating for quite a long time. I'll share that in just a second. But I'm also looking forward to today's episode because we're going to be talking about the sneaky trap of settling. And it's something that, I don't know, it's not the sexiest topic, settling. Everyone's like, no, what about the more exciting and empowering stuff? But actually this is very exciting and empowering because you can identify where you are settling and then decide to do something different. And then it does get very exciting. It does get very sexy. It does get very energizing because you can start creating what you want in those key areas of your life. And so we're going to be talking a lot about settling its opposite and what you can do. And you might learn some things about yourself that you haven't seen so far. Because we never underestimate our capacity to deceive ourselves, to put our blinders on, to not see where we are settling. And we'll talk about how we do that in just a minute. First though, I want to share something I'm super excited about, which you probably may have heard about. I probably talked it up quite a bit. Is Confidence University finally. Finally is coming. In fact, we're doing the build up. I'm sending some training videos out. If you're on my list. You've probably been seeing those. If not, you should be on my list. Cause I send all kinds of tons of free training videos and other things like that. But we have the university's opening its doors for the first time ever. Except for our early beta testers that we had chained in a basement. Why? Why would we chain them in the basement? I don't know, but. So no one else has seen the program except for them. And we're releasing it to the world Tomorrow is when the cart opens tomorrow, which is Thursday, the something or other of July. I don't know, man. It's summertime. I don't know what's going on. What's the date today? So Today is the 11th. It's tomorrow, July 12th. That's when the cart opens. So you're gonna want to check that out. And we're gonna have a link below at this. If you go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com, we'll have a link below, but you can also just type it directly into your browser. It's TheConfidenceUniversity.com TheConfidenceUniversity.com you can also, if you're on my email list, stay tuned to the emails because we'll be sending something about that when it opens. But I highly recommend it. I mean, if you get anything from this podcast, you're going to get way more because it's way more structured and it is very, very in depth. And the whole goal was to make it extremely accessible. So during the launch, we're going to be launching it for a founding member's rate, where it's going to be half the normal investment. So it's going to be just $47 a month if you go for the 12 month or $4.97 for the entire year. And if you sign up for the whole year, you get to come to my next live event, too, as a special bonus. So we're really throwing everything out there for an incredibly accessible amount is the goal, because that's one of my core missions, is to inspire radical and rapid transformation in as many people as I can. This podcast is part of that. But Confidence University is really dialed in and step by step guides you through your core confidence and then social mastery, dating mastery, or career acceleration. You get to pick which area you want to focus on first, then you do it, you move to the next one. So I can't wait. It's got tons of videos, trainings, interactive activities, coaching calls, the works. So go check it out. Theconfidenceuniversity.com and that's again coming out tomorrow. That sucker has been a year and a half in the making. Jesus Cristo. So much work. But I'm glad, I'm glad it's worth it because there were many times during that process where I was like, this is hard because I love recording these podcasts, teaching, videos, coaching. That stuff is like fun and engaging and, I don't know, easy for me. But it's. I don't know if it's work. It doesn't feel like work because it's just me doing what I'm here to do. But when it came to like hyper mapping out all the training courses and then recording all the videos, that was okay. I kind of like that. That's still teaching, but then all the inner workings of how it all was going to click together and working with this team to put this really interactive platform together. We had a lot of meetings that were like, okay, so do you want the button here? And then what's the Name of lesson 72? What is it? This. Okay, make sure you upload that in spreadsheet. And I have people on my team to help me with that. But still. Oh, good God, it's done. It's amazing. Get it. I can't wait to see you inside there. And let's talk about you and your life and where you might be settling. You can do a little self inventory, take a little stock here because here's the thing. Let me start by talking about settling and the reason why you might not know where you're settling is because no one tells themselves, I think I'm going to be settling here. I mean, maybe someone who's super self aware, but it kind of defeats the purpose because if you tell yourself, I'm settling, there's going to be a part of you that's going to get agitated by that is not going to want to settle. So we don't tell ourselves that we're settling in an area. What do we tell ourselves? What do you tell yourself? I mean, think about an area in your life right now that you're not totally pleased with that is not going awesome. Maybe it's certain aspects of your work or career, a certain type of activity you do at work, a certain kind of meeting that you have to do. Maybe it's your love life, your relationships, maybe it's your social life, maybe it's your health. I don't know your finances. An area where you're not satisfied. Now you're probably not saying, I'm settling. What do we do? None of us do that. Instead we have a set of reasons or set of stories as to why that area is not what we want. And typically we either blame external circumstances, other people. I don't like my job because my boss is a jerk. I don't like my job because it's boring and it's not, you know, the work itself is stupid. Or we blame ourselves, right? Oh yeah. I don't have a dating partner because I'M a loser, and I know this. That's where I spent many years, particularly on the dating one. I don't have anyone to date because I'm a loser and I'm ugly and I'm awkward. So now when I'm telling myself I'm a loser and I'm ugly and I'm awkward, I'm not thinking, oh, yeah, I have tons of potential here. I'm just settling. No, it's. I am totally wrapped up in believing that story, that I can't do this. So what is the area, the first one that came to your mind when I was asking you? An area that you're frustrated in, not satisfied in that you feel stuck in, or you just don't have what you want there? Great. So the question is, are you settling in this area? Typically, the response is like, pfft. How. How dare you? How dare you, sir, insinuate that I am responsible for this area of my life? I'm not. I'm not settling. It's because. Blank. I told you, I'm ugly and weird and awkward. I've tried everything. Okay, jeez, get off my back. And we have this kind of defensive attitude. It's like, no, I'm not settling. This is how it is. Have you ever interacted with someone like that? They're like, oh, yeah, you just can't do that in this economy. You can't get a job. There's no jobs in this sector. You can't do that. And then you try to point out options or opportunities or flexible creative solutions or thinking, and you start to get pushback. No, here's why I can't do that. Here's why I can't do this. Here's. Nah, I've seen this. I mean, this is obviously the work that I do. I get a fair amount of that from clients or other people. And not intentionally. People just fight. You, though I can't change is sort of the pushback. So it's helpful to see that that's actually settling, because whether you think there's a good reason for it or not, whether you have other people that could verify your story or whether you have tons of evidence to verify your story, however rock solid, it seems like a big, solid steel box, airtight, can't be beat. Well, then the end result is you're just stuck in that box, and now you're set defending the very thing that you don't want. So we can see it, though, as something different. We can see it as settling. So what does that mean? How does that Shift things as we see it, as I'm settling in that area. Well, usually what happens is we drift down to a certain level of like, oh, this is acceptable for me. And maybe at first we have higher aspirations and then we get hurt or something doesn't work. And then we say, okay, I guess I'll. I guess this is what I can handle. I guess this is what's okay for me. And we start to just say, this is what life is for me. That's what I did in my dating life. Like, this is just what life is. I'm just kind of meant to be single. And a lot of these thoughts are, I don't know, sort of conscious. I'm not walking around thinking to myself, I guess I'm just meant to be single. But that's just how I'm operating. That's how I live my life. So where are you doing that right now? And if this is a little uncomfortable or stirs up a little defensiveness or agitation, good. That's a sign that we're. That's part of self awareness as part of growth. And of course, the next step is, well, how do we shift this? How do we change this? And really it comes from taking that full ownership of like, yeah, I'm settling in this area, and if I want something different in this area, I'm gonna be the one who needs to change this. And I know this is like standard self help 101 stuff, but are we doing it? Are you doing it in this area? And I'm amazed that, you know, living this for so many years and being totally immersed in personal growth work and really focused on my own growth for so many years, how I can fall back into it. Like just recently, I mean, in the past, you probably heard some of my story. I talked about it earlier this year in the podcast around physical health. I made some major transformations over the last couple years and have gotten off some autoimmune disorder medication that I was taking for, geez, almost 15, 16 years, which I didn't need because I didn't have an autoimmune condition. It was just a misdiagnosis. And many physical ailments are actually misdiagnosed is what I discovered in that journey. But I was able to break free, get off all medication, and I'm in the best shape of my life right now, actually training for a marathon right now, which is very exciting. And I just recently, though, having done all that work and all that breakthrough, was starting to have some knee pain and I spent about three weeks give or take back into settling victim mode, where I started to focus on my knee. And I was like, oh, it's because I was doing squats at the gym. Oh, I'm running more. Oh, I probably increased my mileage too quickly. And I'd wake up and I'd be anxious about my knee, and I'd be afraid. I'd be afraid that I'd lose my ability to run again. Oh, no. And I was getting more and more stressed about it. And then I had a conversation with my wife, Candice, who witnessed my journey and has done a lot of health transformation herself just by reading some of the same books I was reading. And she said, you know, Aziz, this sounds like TMS. And TMS is tension myositis syndrome. It's what Dr. Sarno called mind body conditions, basically. And it was amazing because at first I was like, yeah, I know. But I don't know. But I was really stuck in, like, no, there's something wrong with my knee. And we talked about it more and more and more, and she's like, this really sounds a lot like tms. And I'm like, yeah, it is. Kind of took a day to sink in, and it all popped into place. I'm like, what am I doing? So I applied the same mindset strategies, tools, and everything I did for other pain. And the knee pain was gone within, like, a day. And then if it did, still kind of lingered. I related to it totally differently. So no matter how empowered you are in a particular area of your life, it's easy to fall back into that victim mode. Like, something's going to take this from me. I can't do this. There's something wrong with me. I'm not capable. And what we need to do is we need to take that total ownership and then decide, I am gonna shift this. I am gonna do something about this. When? Now. Now is when I'm gonna do something about this. And then from that fire, from that energy, we need to follow through with something. Cause if we just say, I'm gonna do something about this now, what's on Hulu, you're gonna lose credibility with yourself. You're gonna lose momentum. And eventually, when you say to yourself, I'm gonna do something about this, your brain says, y, besides, this is how you are. This is who you are. This is what you're stuck with. So what if everything that you've settled in, everything that's not the way that you want it in your life is because you've settled in it and you are responsible and capable of radically shifting that. And everything that you tell yourself and all the evidence that you have piled up is actually just a collective set of stories, beliefs, of history, of mindset. That's false. What if that's the case? So maybe you're telling yourself, yeah, but I'm not a social person. I'm not very good with people. I never have been. In fact, when I was in fourth grade, they thought I had Asperger's. And then it turns out I didn't. But I'm still a little awkward. I don't get social cues. My humor is not very good. I don't know. Or swap that story out with another one. Oh, yeah, Well, I didn't have this experience in high school, so I didn't get a chance to understand how to connect with people, Right? And because of that experience, I now am not able to do that 28 years later because of that, in high school. I mean, fill in this story in the physical health realm. As I talk to a lot of people about their own health journeys. It's like, oh, yeah, I lifted a piano and popped out my back. I. It's like, oh, yeah, when was that, 17 years ago? Acts up on Thursdays and Saturdays. It's like these random stories that make no sense when you're outside of them, but when you're in them, they're so freaking convincing, aren't they? They're so compelling, they hook us in. There's a phenomenal quote that I love from Tony Robbins, which was later stolen by Jordan Belfort. Wolf of Wall street, baby. Takes other people's personal growth quotes as well as their money in penny stocks. But Tony Robbins said the only thing stopping you from having what you really want is the story you keep telling yourself about why you can't have it. And I've seen that to be true again and again. And in fact, I've seen that the stories that we tell ourselves are not only keeping us from what we want. They're the exact opposite of the truth. So the story of my body is fragile and destined to be injured is the exact opposite of the truth. I am powerful and strong in my body. I'm an athlete. And the story you have about, oh, I'm socially awkward, not capable. This is an example. Maybe you don't have that story, but I sure did. And a lot of my clients, people I work with, do that. The exact opposite is true. You're actually very good at connecting with people. And I know that might sound, like, totally impossible, but the question I have for you Is why do you fight it? Why do you resist it? Whatever the alternative, the opposite. Think of that negative, limiting story you've been telling yourself. No, I'm totally undateable. There's something awful about me that no one's gonna wanna date me, or the people that I'm attracted to would be repelled by me. What if the opposite were true? What if the people that you're most attracted to, I mean, you could have incredible dating relationships with them. You might say, well, hold on a second, Aziz, I wish that were true. That sounds real nice as a fantasy. But listen, you don't know how it is out there, alright? I've done all these dating apps, all my friends connected, Tinder and bumbling about and I got nothing. And then even if I did put myself out there, I get rejected. And I've had happen again and again. I tried a couple of times and it got rejected. It's because I have a thing. My voice is weird, it's very obvious. Or my hair. I don't have any hair. I have a unibrow that I, you know, something and you like entrench in on that. Well, here's the thing. First of all, why are you defending that? Why would you not want to say, hmm, if there is a way, I'd like to find it. Is it the need to be right? Like, you couldn't do it before, so you can't do it now. Is it a fear of rejection? You know, because if you try again, maybe you're gonna get hurt again. That's a really common one. That's one of the main reasons that we defend our story and don't try again. Because of the pain of trying and failing. And you know what? The pain is not even really the failing because it's not so bad. Hey, you approached someone, how's it going? Blah, blah, blah. And they're like, meh, don't want to talk to you. It's over in like eight seconds. And really it's a nothing moment. Now it's five seconds later and the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and I'm walking somewhere else. Like the moment doesn't even exist anymore. It's a nothing moment. Or you try anything, you try a new fitness routine, try something, whatever, and you don't stick to it and you fall short. It's a nothing moment now it's a different moment in time. The real pain is all the self attack that we do. Oh my God, they rejected me. Ugh, let me punch myself in the gut. I'm a fucking loser or whatever. You failed at something else, you beat yourself up for it. Or sometimes we're afraid. I mean, sometimes the events are painful. I don't know, maybe not that first rejection, but let's say you get into a relationship with someone and then, you know, this is a common story that emerges. People after they've had a deep relationship, usually the wrong person for them or something that's not quite right, and then they end up having a breakup or a divorce or something and it's really painful. And there's a part of them that kind of walls up and says like, you know, fuck love and relationships. Basically, whether they say that consciously or not, that's their attitude. That's their attitude towards the people that they used to be attract it to. Kind of like, I don't need that, I don't want that. And so for them it's the pain of that experience that they had. I don't want to go through that again. So you really want to examine this. Why am I defending this? And why do I not want to look for something else? Because the power of your beliefs is mind boggling that when you say like, I can do this, I'm going to figure this out. You will. So whether you want to be more social, whether you want to have a better dating life, whether you want to be more powerful in your career, whether you want to just feel more comfortable in your own skin, all of these things are absolutely achievable. When you stop settling, when you take full responsibility and say, I'm going to do something about this and then you go do something about it. Not just say you are, but then you do it and you put your energy and your focus in it. And yes, it's effort over time. And that's another reason why most people don't do it. It's because it's effort over time. And unfortunately there's this large. It's a large percentage of our world and our culture, at least in the western culture and in each of us as individuals, we have different parts inside of us and it's kind of a big part of us that's very comfort seeking, very. I don't want to feel anything uncomfortable. And that's just fostered and more and more and more by our culture. Like eat this really comfortable, delicious, unhealthy, processed stuff and sit here and be extremely sedentary on this super easy couch. And now look, this new invention allows you to have this delivered to you without you having to get up off your couch. And not have to move your body and it's like more and more progression to where we're just really resistant to discomfort, physical discomfort or emotional discomfort. And so if you really want to transform and stop settling and become and have a better relationship or become a more powerful leader in your career or become whatever it is you want to become, you're going to have to put in effort over time and you're going to have to be uncomfortable. It's the only way. And many people are like, eh, I don't want it that bad. Right. Is there an easier way? So hopefully this is agitating you a little bit. It's either inspiring you or agitating you, maybe both. And maybe it's agitation right now and it turns into frustration and then it turns into inspiration. Maybe you're cursing my name now and then on fire a couple days from now. That's okay. My job here is not to please you, it's to serve you. It's to activate something new to get to your next level of your confidence. So if I can do that in any way I can, I will. And I know that I've seen it myself, that when people call me out or challenge me, at first I'm pissed. But then it stirs something up inside of me and I start to look, where can I take more ownership? Where can I take control? Where am I telling myself a story that's not true? And then prepare to take that action, Prepare to be uncomfortable and you will notice some extraordinary results and shifts quite quickly. So I'm curious where you're going to apply this in your life and to bring it full circle. I was talking about Confidence University at the beginning of this show. If you want tools to do that to transform your social life, your dating life, your career, your inner confidence, that would be a powerful mode thing to work with to help you ensure those changes. Because committing and then knowing what to do next and having guidance and step by step instruction I found to be the most powerful thing in my life, whether it's for my physical health. At my last live event, I share this presentation at some point where people who want to go further with me and be part of my Mastermind program and in this I do this PowerPoint and in there I say like, look, coaching works and I talk about my own life. I talk about how coaching helped me overcome my fears of dating and relationships and ultimately create an extraordinary relationship with Candace, my wife and now a family. And then I have this other one, Coaching Works and it's got a picture of me before and then after. And the before is me and my honeymoon in Hawaii, and I'm shirtless at some food truck in Maui. You know, I'm not, like, fat, but I'm, you know, little pudgy, little squishy. And then the next picture is like, I'm shredded. And, like, this is before and after coaching. And I was joking how, like, in the before photo, my buddy Josh, who runs a gym in Portland, would always be like, hey, you want to come work out? And I had a million and one reasons and stories as to why I couldn't and why I was settling in that area of my life. But I wasn't saying I was settling, remember? And my story was always like, yeah, no, I'm totally gonna do it. I'm gonna do some calisthenics at home. And so I said, like, this is calisthenics at home pointing at the pudgy picture. This is the coaching, the results of it. And it's not Josh, it's me doing it, right? But it's like that environment that support you can put that full energy in and get that guidance and that commitment that you make. So if it's right for you, I highly encourage you to get in on this now, because it's cheaper than it ever will be for Confidence University. So go to theconfidenceuniversity.com theconfidenceuniversity.com or just go to the shrinkforthshyguy.com site. And underneath this episode, there'll be a link as well. So check that out. And whether you do it through Confidence University or your own methods or whatever, the key thing is for you to look at least one area of your life right now and say, say, I'm done settling here. I'm going to do something about this right now. And then go do something about it right now, like, at the end of this episode. In fact, that sounds like an action step. Time for action. Action, action. All right, your action step for today is to go do something right now in. In the area that you perceive that you are settling, go do something. Take ownership. If the story you were telling yourself is totally false and the exact opposite were true, what would you do? And then go do it. That's the challenge. That's the action step. You got this. You're awesome. And thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.