How To Survive Parties As An Introvert

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about parties. Oh, yeah. And you know, other things too, other social events, gatherings, you know, that could be mixers, cocktail parties, and doesn't necessarily have to be a crazy kegger. But you know, maybe for your work, there's a Christmas party or there's some. You're at some conference and there's an opportunity where people are gathering afterwards. And that sort of party, anytime there's a lot of people getting together, you're going to be interacting with each other. That if you have social anxiety or you tend to be an introvert, can sort of seem like kryptonite. And that's what we wanna talk about today. And I'm excited because it's not just me talking with you, it's also my co host, Amber. Hey, Amber.

Hey, guys.

Yeah. And we're gonna be talking about how to survive parties as an introvert. And I thought that was interesting language too. Amber and I were talking about this before and she came up with that idea and I thought this is gonna be fun to talk about. Cause that's often what it feels like, right? Is like, how do I survive? How do. So that's the very first point I wanted to get started with Amber is let's talk about this, this idea of introversion. As an introvert, you're not going to like parties. So you got to get through them and survive them. I feel like that's kind of a stance that I definitely took for many years. And I think a lot of people take. Especially if they see themselves as more introverted. And I'm curious, is that something that you've experienced? Is that how you see parties as well?

I do like parties now. Now that I learned how to survive them.

That's interesting. So there was a before though. You didn't.

Yeah, I feel actually still today I feel very exhausted by superficial conversations with a Hundred people. And I don't really like small talk all too much. So I like to just dig in. And that energizes me. So like coaching or one on one deep conversations and actually getting to know somebody and not just like surface level things that energizes me, but just like little awkward conversations about nothing and everything that really isn't worth it for me. So I would kind of avoid parties because that's what I associated with parties.

Sure. I think that's pretty, that's pretty common. And that's often how it goes at parties unless we intentionally do something to make our experience different. And I think just a quick overview of introversion versus extroversion is helpful. Some people think that introversion means like you don't like people. That's not true. There may be a need for recharge, time alone that's in more or greater quantities than someone who's extroverted. But also it seems like introverts tend to do like connecting with people. But just like what you're saying, we like to go more in depth, maybe with one or two people, a deeper conversation, more, maybe even more spaciousness in that conversation, maybe some silence or reflection. It's not just that rapid fire surface level. Whereas an extrovert, they get high off of that. There's energy, it's fun, there's no sense of fatigue afterwards. And so probably people listening to this, a lot of them will identify with the more introverted side of the spectrum. That's definitely where I am. And I had a similar experience to you, Amber, where I did not like them, I would avoid them. Although when I got to college it was like, oh, I need to go to them to meet women and stuff. But I would go and then I would just like hang out on the side with my two friends drinking. That was our version of going to the party. Something was going to happen somehow and it never did. So if you're listening and that's kind of where you're at, then I'm glad you're here because we're going to talk about how to have a very different experience. So let's start with you, Amber. I'm curious, how did you. You said I didn't like them until I learned how to survive them. So what did you learn? What did you discover?

So my first tip and thing that I learned is to be the change you want to see at the party. You can't show up at a party and expect everyone else to entertain you and give you a good time. And if you're not enjoying parties. It's up to you to create a situation that you would enjoy.

Ah, good old personal responsibility. Oh, man. So I gotta, like, figure out what I want and, like, do things to make it happen. Sounds hard.

Exactly. Well, it's not hard. It's just. Yeah. Taking responsibility and not feeling entitled. And I think you'll have a lot more fun at parties if you bring the energy that you want to see at the party, rather than sitting around and complaining and being like, oh, my God, all these people, they don't want to talk about anything real. It's like, well, you're not talking to them about anything real.

Ah, yeah, yeah. I think that's. That's a. That's a key point. And. And maybe this is one of your tips. I might just nab it. But I think that what I found is we need to take responsibility and we need to be willing to drive conversations, willing to steer and willing to initiate. I feel like the biggest mistake people that are more introverted or shy or make at parties is just don't initiate. And you're sort of waiting for people to come to you. And that can create a lot of discomfort. You might feel anxious in the waiting phase. Oh, man, I'm just standing here. I look like a loser. And then it creates tension in your body. It sends out mixed signals. You're also just in a very passive place, and you don't have that sense of any intention or direction. It's just like, well, what's just going to happen to me while I'm here? And I think what you're pointing to, Amber, and I want to really highlight is, like, you want to come in and say, what experience do I want to create here for myself and for others? And when you come in with that energy, and a big piece of that is you gotta be able to initiate. And if you cannot initiate conversations, that's a. That's a whole other episode. And there's probably many back in the analogs of this show to find out how to do that. That's key, though. So let's say someone's on board. They're nodding. They're like, yeah, okay, all right, all right. Initiate conversations. Fine. I've been working on that. I can. But how do I, you know, how do I have engaging conversations? I feel like I get trapped in conversations, or they're superficial or they're boring. Or how do I create engaging, fun, deep, interesting conversations that actually energize me at a party? What have you found that's helped you be able to do that. Amber.

Something that's really helped me is having at least one or two questions locked and loaded whenever you go to a party. And one of my go to questions for anybody, it's really simple. I just ask them, so, what are you into? And you'll actually be really surprised. A lot of people aren't expecting such a simple question, and they're actually initially taken aback by it, like, oh, just in general, or my free time, or like, they're not expecting a question like that. I think most people are expecting the so what do you do? Or how are you? Or questions that you hear every day from everybody. And it kind of forces them to break. Well, it breaks their pattern and has them thinking in a different direction. And they actually have to reflect and think about, well, what do I like to do? What do I. And sometimes they ask me, they're like, well, what do you mean? Just in general, I'm like, yeah, well, what do you do when you don't have to do anything? And the key here is to be genuinely curious about other people and want to learn.

Sure. Yeah. I have a very similar variation of that question, which is, what do you do for fun?

Yeah.

And I find that tends to steer the conversation into something a lot more interesting. You know, what do you do for work can be interesting, but they could not be for that person. And also, you may need to be able to steer or guide into things that you're curious about about that work. And so that's totally possible. And starting it off by, what are you into? What do you like to do? Fun. Especially if it's like a social setting. Right. Maybe people don't necessarily want to go talk about work and being able to talk about what they're interested in, what they're into, what they're excited about, what's fun for them, naturally, is going to start you off on a much more engaging path to talk about.

Yeah. And I'd also say that you can find something interesting about almost anything. So even if they gave you a really boring answer, if you dig a little deeper or find the reason behind why they do what they do, you'll have a much more interesting conversation because a lot of people will give you just, like, plain answers. So if you ask, so what do you do? And they'll say, oh, I'm a construction worker. And then you can be like, oh, what made you choose that? That'll give you a much more interesting answer than, so, oh, did you go to school for that? Or like, how long is your workday just like, boring facts. And you want to find out opinions, motives, rather than just facts about what they do.

Tell me some boring facts about that job. That sounds really boring. Yes. I think this is. You're hitting on a key point here, Amber, which is that when we don't almost. Hmm. I don't know. I'm gonna make almost a pretty generalized statement here, But I think it holds up in a lot of situations, which is usually when we don't like something. One of the main reasons is because we're not good at it. And then when we get better at it, we start to like it more. And I've seen this again and again myself. Even like, little things like being at the gym. And there's a certain exercise like the deadlift, where I'm like, I don't like that. And it's because I suck at it, and I don't know what I'm doing. And then I do it for four or five months, and I'm like, oh, yeah, Yeah, I like it now. And I think that the reason a lot of people don't like parties is because they're just. That kind of social interaction is uncomfortable, and. And we're not very good at it, and those kind of feed on each other. And what you're describing here is, like, we want to get good at being able to talk to people. And the plus side is it's not some extreme skill that's really hard to learn, that takes decades to master. It really is part of your programming as a human, as a social creature, and it's really just learning how to engage, how to connect. And one thing that can really improve your experience of parties is knowing I can go deeper with anyone. And the way that we do that has nothing to do with them. It's all in our ability to respond to what they say. And I think that is huge. So just recently, I was at a party. It was. Man, I'm blanking on the word reception. Wedding reception. They had the small ceremony by themselves a couple weeks earlier, and then they had the bigger party for the community and all their friends and family and stuff a couple weeks later. So they're separate. And I got there with my wife. We only had about an hour, an hour and a half there because we had a babysitter for our kids. And it's interesting because I introverted for so long. And it's so funny because as that introvert stance, I'm like, ah, party. All right, whatever. I wasn't super excited about it. It was a friend's wedding. I was like, nah, I'm gonna go. I love him. I want to support him. But I was like, nah. And the funny thing is, though, is my experience of them is so different now that it's just like some old memory programming. Because, you know, afterwards I was like, wow, that was really fun. And the reason it was fun is because you can connect with people if you know how to engage. And so one of the very first conversations was with his. My friend's new wife and I actually never met her, and we started talking, and I think I was asking her about the gym because my friend runs a gym. And she said, yeah, I'm starting to take classes early in the morning. I have to be there really early so I can get. I start work really early, so I got to get there early for work. And I said, oh, you know, why does your work start early? What do you do? She's like, oh, I work at the airport. And again, these are kind of short responses, like, they're closed answers. And if someone's giving you closed answers, and you're just like, oh, cool, the airport, yeah. Then you've just hit a dead end, and both of you are kind of like, so how are those cocktail weenies? And you have to kind of scrounge, but if you can just keep going. So I said, oh, what do you do at the airport? She's like, well, I work for the sort of. The sort of. I don't even know the title of her position, but it was basically, she worked with the detective office in the airport doing administrative work. And she's like, it's a lot of, like, data entry and computers and analysis. It's really boring. And again, she was shutting it down. Now, you might take a cue and say, oh, this person's not interested in that. I'm gonna move on. But that's not always the case, because if you're interested, if you're engaged all of a sudden, that could open people up. Because, look, she's spending, like, eight hours of her life every day there. I mean, it's not like it's completely devoid of experience. So I just went deeper with her. So she's like, yeah, it's pretty boring. I was like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. The airport has a detective's office? And I just started. I was fascinated by that. I was like, what are they? Like, are there crimes going down all the time at the airport? You know, is it like cocaine smuggling? What's happen? So I just started asking her all these questions about what a Detective does at the airport. And then I started talking with her about dogs at the airport and how come if a dog is so awesome at the airport and reduces the TSA line so much, why don't they have a dog out there like all day, every day? And so I started, you know, whether or not she knew much about that topic, which she did, I would just ask those questions because that's what I'm interested in in the topic and it drew her out. I think if we build this ability, just like with a construction worker example, if we know that no matter what they say back, we can dig in, that gives you a deep confidence to engage with anyone at a party or anywhere else.

There are two things that I picked up from that conversation that contribute to having really deep, awesome conversations with people that you did. And the first one is the classic phrase, interested is interesting. So probably you had a really interesting conversation just because you were interested. And that makes her feel interesting. And everybody wants to feel like they're interesting. So she probably felt really good in that conversation. And the second thing is you were really enthusiastic. So instead of just saying, are there like crimes there or something? You're like, wait, are there crimes at the airport, like all day? And that adds another level of connection and energy to the conversation, which would have been kind of dry and boring.

Yeah, that is another huge one. And this is something that I think is so important, is that we gotta be animated. And a lot of people are like, oh, that's just not. That's just not me. And I would just be like, ah, bullshit. I call bullshit on that. Because if you look at every little kid in the world, they have energy. And that's a little different. I mean, some are like bonkers off the walls and really crazy and some are more mild mannered, but they just. There's like a vitality in children that a lot of adults don't have. And I don't think it's because that's just not them, quote unquote. I think it's because we repress it. It's shyness, it's inhibition, and it's like, I don't want to look too much of that or too little. I got to be cool and restrained and do nothing that can ever get me judged. And the result is we start to sound a little more flat or a little more. And I've seen this in so many people, even things they're excited about. You're like, so what are you into? What do you do for fun? Yeah, mountain biking. And you're just like, where's the energy? So if you want to connect with people. And again, I'm not like, whoa, the airport. Right. It's just like, wait, what? There's a detective at the. There's just a little bit of energy. And that comes across in your voice tone. You're a little more punctuated in the way that you speak and maybe even inflection or voice pitch. I'm like, what? Little stuff like that injects the interaction with energy and makes your interest more felt. And then if they feel more of your interest, all of a sudden, next thing I know, she's like talking faster and starts to open up and you can see her energy, her enthusiasm starting to emerge.

Yeah. And I think people are always worried about being fake and that maybe it's like, not really authentic. But like you said, that's actually how we are as kids and how we really want to express ourselves. But we're worried and we try to hold it back. So it's actually very authentic to be animated and excited about what other people are saying, especially.

And if you're worried about it being fake, I think you want. Because we can. You just. I guess I have several thoughts happening at once, and they're all jumbling in my brain. We can be fake as we do it, and that doesn't feel good. And if we are being fake in a conversation, and by fake, I mean inauthentic, doing something that we think we should do but don't really feel, we can feel more drained afterwards. And so you want to pay attention to that because we can put a lot of energy in and enthusiasm and pretend like. But we don't actually feel it. So, like, yes, I was entering some data into my data system. It's, you know, it's called Influencer Systems. It was developed in 1947 by. And they're. And they're saying that all. And you're like, wow. Yeah, cool. No, that's so interesting. Yeah. And you're just like. And you're trying. You're trying so hard. I don't know. So they'll like you or so you, you know, you feel guilty if you don't want to talk about their Influencer Systems database. And the way that you get out of that and not not have it be fake is you steer the conversation into what you're actually interested in so you can be naturally interested. So let's say. And just in that example, guy's going on about his database entry, and you're like, dude, I have no. I'M just, like, not interested in this at all. Then you want to take control and steer it. And, you know, it's a little blunt. If you're like, dude, I'm not interested in that at all. Let's talk about something else. You could. It's pretty authentic, but. But there's subtler ways. You could either steer that conversation into something more interesting or just change direction entirely. So here's how we might steer it into something more interesting. So he's talking about database entry. He's talking about a computer, something from 1947. So my mind and I talk about this. It's loose association. I teach this in my program, the confidence code. But I wait. The first thing that comes to my mind is like, wait, computers in 1947. Weren't they, like, the size of, like, entire rooms and stuff? So I might, you know, just. I might literally interrupt him, like, whoa, wait, hold on a second. Did you say it was started in 1947? And be like, yes. I was like, wait a minute. Weren't computers, like, the size of rooms in 1947? And then we might just start talking about that. What does he know about that? Why were they so big? Why have they gotten so much smaller? Now we're on a conversation that all of a sudden I'm actually interested in, so I don't have to fake enthusiasm now. If you're listening to this situation, you're like, there is nothing about that. I don't care about computers, the size of rooms. Everything about that is absolutely terrible. I'd say maybe dig a little deeper. As Amber said, there's a way to be fascinated in almost anything. If we have a beginner's mind or a childlike curiosity for the world, because everything's pretty amazing. But if you really wanted to end it and shift it, you could just shift it and be like, wow, it sounds like you spent a lot of time really focused on that. Oh, hey, I wanted to ask you something. And then just ask whatever the heck you want. It could be totally different, but you acknowledge something about what they did, and then you inject with a little bit of, like, oh, hey, I wanted to ask you something. Almost as if it just struck you, like, oh, I just thought of this thing. And again, that energy, that enthusiasm, it makes it very smooth. And then you ask them a question, and all of a sudden you guys are talking about something different.

Yeah, I think we have to get really good at the skill of reflecting as well. I think a lot of people just listen to the information, and you can Ask more questions, but you also have to reflect and think about how that applies to your life and your experiences, and that will bring something more interesting to the conversation as well. So kind of giving feedback, and that gives more meat to the conversation and things that you can work with or directions that you can go. So it's not like you just have to have an endless list of questions. The person doesn't want to feel like they're being interviewed.

Yeah.

And the other thing you can do is kind of challenge them. So instead of just a question about a fact, you could kind of challenge an opinion of theirs or prompt an opinion to come out from them.

Mm. Yeah. And this gets into the realm of, like, if. Another reason that I think we don't like parties, it's. It's the lack of direction, a lack of conversation skill and ability to direct conversations. And it's also too much niceness. So we're like, well, I'll just talk about whatever they want to talk about, and I'll just listen silently, nod and smile and then say, oh, yeah, totally. Yeah. Be very affirming. And then I'll never challenge them. I'll never, you know, question anything. And, you know, maybe you succeed in the sense that there's no friction that whole night, at least externally. But, man, you don't really connect. You feel drained. It just makes the whole. And then you don't want to go to these experiences again. So I think that's absolutely right. And so you got to build your boldness, your assertiveness, your authenticity to be able to question someone's opinion or challenge it. And you don't have to, like, confront like you are wrong. You don't have to. It's more just like, oh, you think that that's interesting. My perspective is this. And look, they're different. Interesting, right? You're sharing. You're showing where you're at. And same thing about what Amber's talking about. Anything that they share, instead of just question, question, question, question, you can bring in your own experience or how you relate or any. Some sort of reflection. As she's saying, the last thing you want to be doing when someone is talking is just, like, kind of nodding and saying nothing. And then they finish, and it's just like, you don't say anything, and there's just silence that generally tends to break rapport and make them be like, okay, I gotta go talk to someone else now at this party. So, you know, if you're getting that, you know. Know that you need to respond with something. And again, What I'm realizing as we talk about this, Amber, is how much of surviving a party, even thriving or enjoying a party, really comes down to our conversation skills and abilities.

Yeah. And I think the other reason why introverts don't enjoy parties is because they put pressure on themselves to be the center of attention. Like, they think that's what they're supposed to bring to a party. They're supposed to be able to entertain an entire room of people. But really what I like to do if I go to any social gathering is try to get to know one or two people very deeply. My brother, he is extremely introverted. Sorry, extroverted. The opposite of me. And we went to a party and there was a circle of 20 people around him as he was rapping a song. So that's his role at the party. But that's not my role. And I don't feel pressured to do that. And I don't feel bad about myself if that's not what I tend to bring to a party. I bring interesting conversation and reflection and thoughtfulness and connection on a deep level. And that's my thing.

Yeah. What a great image that is right there of the kind of the two of you. And I think that's to bring it all to a close or to conclude this episode. At the end of the day, you want to find out who you are and show up as you are in your most free self. And it's not about being. I think there's that pressure to be that. That extrovert or that life of the party, and that's exhausting. And you can't have too many people like that at a party. It's just the social order would break down. It'd be like, no, I want everyone to watch me rap. It's like, no, I want everyone to watch me rap. It's like, no, you need the person who's like the. You know, the performer that brings that certain level of energy. And, yeah, a lot of that, like, I need to be something great. There's is usually fueled by a sense of inadequacy or insecurity. And really, if we just say, I'm just gonna connect with a few people here, that can alleviate that inadequacy immediately. And you can just be like, oh, this feels really good. And, you know, at the end of the day, too, you gotta think about what your outcome, one of your outcomes is for a party or social event. And for some people, it's just. I don't know, it's the company party, and I'm putting in my dues. But for me and for a lot of people, it's like I wanna create connections. And so I want to leave this party with maybe a date or a number, a future girlfriend, a friend, deep in social relationships. So the way you're going to get that most likely is from having these several deeper conversations there versus being some crazy life of the party that meets everyone there. There's so much more on this topic. I feel like we could talk about this forever. In my program, the Confidence Code, there's a lot. There's a whole half of the program is about the nine elements of social mastery. So if you're listening and really want those skills, I would highly recommend that. And of course, in the spring each year, we have the Confident Conversation Master event. And that's like three days of practicing this stuff. So people really get booted up on it. And there's a lot of stuff out there beyond what I offer. At the end of the day, if you really want to learn this stuff, do so. And man doors open up. When you're not scared to go to a party, you can, and you can really leave feeling happy, fulfilled, nourished, connected, enjoying your fellow humans, which is a beautiful experience. So thanks, Amber, for your awesome insights on this topic and it's fun having you as a co host. I really like it.

Thanks so much for having me.

Yeah, of course. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.