How To Sustain Passion In Long-Term Relationships

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the Show. Today we have our co host Amber with us. Hey, Amber.

Hey, guys.

And we're gonna be talking about hot sex. Oh, yeah. Well, that might be part of it, but really what we're talking about is attraction and passion in relationships. And a very common experience for people is for that to be more higher, more passion, more attraction at the beginning of a relationship and to have it diminish over time and either be a lot less or in a lot of cases, to dissolve entirely. And for people to not feel attracted to each other, not feel attracted to each other physically, emotionally, just. There's no sense of sexual desire or passion in a lot of relationships. And it's so common that a significant percentage of the population has a story that says, yeah, that's just how it is, so get used to it. And that was a big fear that I had about long term relationships. My model of the world was, yeah, it fizzles and then it fades and then it sucks. And that's how it is. And if you're listening and you fear that or have had that experience, I'm glad you're with us today because I don't think that that's inevitable. I think that is a result of some patterns that we have and we'll get into that today that create that experience. And if you change things, change the way you show up, then you can create a new experience. And of course, Amber has been cataloging her Cosmo style lists such as 10 Ways to Please youe man and Hot steamy sex tips, etc. So we got you covered.

402 positions to try tonight.

That's right. That's what it's all about, is you gotta get crazy positions. That's what most people are missing. You know, that's Karma Sutra. So. Well, let's. I have a couple of core ideas why I think passion fades. And I'm sure you do as well, Amber, so let's just start with that. From your perspective, why do you think passion fades in relationships for people?

We stop doing the things that made us passionate in the first place. So when we're first dating someone, we are always doing new things and everything's new. And we don't have a routine because we're not living together or we don't see each other on a regular basis. And there's so much uncertainty and so much variety. And then as we get more comfortable with the person and intimacy increases the variety and the uncertainty and also the excitement drops. And so to sustain the attraction long term, we have to continue doing the things that we did in the beginning of the relationship.

Like what kinds of stuff?

Like going on dates, not just coming home and watching tv. Every time you see each other, trying new things, adding variety to your lifestyle. It's not just about what you do in the bedroom, because so much of what attracts us to another person is everything outside of the bedroom that leads us to the bedroom.

Right? Yeah. I'd say that I have a similar perspective in that I think that what diminishes the attraction over time is a lack of growth. And that could be a lack of growth in the relationship, but also a lack of growth of either one or both people in the relationship. And that's exactly what you're speaking to. It's like a lack of growth in terms of not doing something new, not taking on a new challenge, not learning something, not growing, not having new experiences, and instead settling into a life of ease, comfort, lack of challenging the edge in any way, which I think a lot of people want to gravitate towards regardless of whether they're in a relationship or not. And they don't realize that that addiction to comfort actually diminishes the energy and the passion in their entire lives, but also in their relationships.

Exactly.

So I think that's one core area and another one is I think people early in a relationship, there's all this novelty, there's all this excitement. People are also, they're opening up in a big way. I mean, I'm not maybe not just talking about like a one night stand or something, but I'm saying, like, if people are becoming, they're dating and then all of a sudden they're boyfriend and girlfriend or a partner, and you're moving towards a longer relationship, there's a lot of opening up in that beginning stage where you're learning about each other, people are sharing with each other, you're up all night talk or you have These long dates that last like five hours. And then there's all these experiences of deep opening and sharing. And what can often happen in relationships is over time, you're spending a lot of time together. But if you look at the way in which you're communicating, there's a lot less transparency, there's a lot less deep sharing. And in fact, some people get the sense of like, well, I know everything about them anyway, so what's there to talk about? Or there's higher stakes, People don't want to have uncomfortable conversations, people don't want to talk about their feelings, people don't want to talk about whatever. And as a result you get this like togetherness and companionship, but not like a deep sense of knowing the other person. And that's what people, I think are doing at the beginning of a relationship.

And how long have you been with Candace? Marriage and dating.

So we got together in 2011, so six, seven years.

You feel passionate.

Yeah, I mean, it's really interesting to see that progression in the sense that when we first got together I had that fear like oh no, this is great now, but it's all gonna fall to shit. But I was like, well, I want to create something different. I want to have a different experience. And I will say that my experience with her now, like when we first, first first got together, there's a little bit of an obsession phase, I think in infatuation that's like pleasurable but also kind of painful. And it's interesting if you look at some of the neuro biology around love and what they've studied and that there's. It's sort of like a dopamine rich phase where it's like, oh my God, get reward. And then it settles into a more deep connection. That's what I feel with her now. So I wouldn't say I feel the same way as the beginning of the relationship, which was a bit obsessive and like, oh my God, did she text me back? If she did high as the kite. And if she didn't, I'm gonna kill myself. Like it doesn't have that drama to it. But what's really interesting is all these changes in her body, you know, with having two kids and she would have these fears sometimes of like, u maybe you're not gonna find me attractive anymore or anything. Maybe you're not gonna like this about my body or my stomach or that. And I haven't found that affects me at all that I found that maybe because we're growing so much in our lives, And I'm not taking the path of comfort. And also a willingness to talk about anything and go anywhere and clear the air if there's resentment or anything. I find that there's this constant desire. And the only obstacle is with two small kids. And we do a family bed, so everyone's in the same room. It's like, well, it usually ends up happening to be after the kids have gone to bed or sometimes at 2 in the morning, we both happen to wake up. So it's really a matter of time where to find it, where to fit it in. But I haven't seen any diminishment of that desire on either of our ends.

I think what you mentioned before with the painful infatuation where you're really excited but you're also anxious in the beginning, is the reason why people actually get into that comfort routine. They're trying to avoid that pain, but actually they're also avoiding all the good stuff that comes with it, which is desire and attraction over the long term. So I'm not saying that you have to like be anxious throughout your entire relationship to have desire, but I think as you're dating you have more of a balance of it. So in the beginning it's like really just like anxiety and like, oh my God, like you care about them so much. But also it's so insecure because you don't have a strong foundation. And then it's building that foundation while also maintaining the variety in the unknown. And it's like a tough balance to keep throughout the relationship, especially years and years and years.

Sure.

I feel like you have to reevaluate it all of the time.

Right. You know, one thing I've heard, and I think David Data and other people who talk about masculine feminine energy and relationships and stuff, talk about the importance of the unknown and the mystery. And I think people have this fear of like, well, you know, if you're living together and you've been together for years, like, where's the mystery? And maybe we need more mystery and maybe that's why we're not, you know, into each other sexually. And I'm curious about what is your stance on that? What are your thoughts about that? Is that true?

I think space creates mystery and growing creates mystery because you really don't know who that person is going to become. And space also allows you to miss that person and to wonder about them. But if you're always together, like non stop, even when you're at home, you don't always have to be in the same room together. Doing something together.

What are you doing now? What about now? What are you doing? What's that? What are you doing?

Exactly. And also, if you're living together, you will have less space. However, you're still like eight hours a day, probably in the world doing your own thing. And you can still on a Friday night hang out with your friends or go on a trip with your friends, or do something alone that doesn't involve your girlfriend. And I think that helps with the mystery or the wondering.

I think that's a fantastic point, is space creates mystery. Because I think sometimes people hear that, like, keep the mystery. They're like, oh, what does that mean? You know, she asked me how I'm doing. I have to say, wouldn't you like to know? You know, it'd be somehow weird and mysterious and be like James Bond or something. What were you? How was your afternoon? What'd you do? I can't tell you that. But it's really, it's just like, no. Having your own focus, your own life, the ability to merge and be together, but then also come apart and operate in the world as an independent person. I think there is something very attractive about that because it creates, it's physical space, but it also creates emotional, energetic space. It's like, oh, they're not glommed onto me and so there's this space to breathe. And now I desire them, now I miss them because they're not here. And I think that's a key aspect of creating desire and energy. You said another thing though that said growth creates mystery. What do you mean? What kind of growth?

Always pushing your edge and trying something new. Never getting too comfortable with who you are. I think a lot of us have an idea of who we are, what we do, what we don't do, what we like, what we don't like. But always trying new things and pushing yourself in that way creates that mystery for your partner because they're like, oh, I thought they were this person, but now suddenly they're salsa dancing. Like, oh, I thought he was so shy, but now he's going to a Toastmasters club. And it creates that mystery of I don't know who they're going to grow into. And that creates excitement in the relationship as well. Plus it's just nourishing for you and benefits your relationship as well.

This is making me think of something that's so important, which is, you know, we talk a lot about in this show and elsewhere, just in events and other things, about unconditional self love, self compassion, high self esteem, Being on our own side no matter what, all that stuff. And it's extremely important for relationships, for confidence, for everything. And sometimes people can take that as an entitlement to, I can just be me and I deserve love, which is good. But then they take it sort of like, so therefore I don't need to ever learn anything or grow or do anything different. It's like, hey, I can just be me and that's good enough and I should just get love for that. And I think sometimes people unconsciously bring that into relationships where it's like, hey, if you love me, you just gotta love all of me, baby. And that means I can not take care of my health and I can just get obese and I can not take responsibility for my life and my work and my career. And it's like, hey, if you love me, you just gotta love all of me. And really what we do is we're short circuiting our own evolution and our own growth. And a much better stance is like, yes, I deserve love for who I am. I don't need to be perfect. And there are ways that I can engage with my own life, which is facing life, taking action, growing, expanding myself, really living life, as opposed to just existing in a fearful state. But if I really take life on, that is going to get me more love, that's gonna make me more attractive, that's gonna make me a more engaging partner. My partner's gonna be more interested in me. He or she's going to want to have sex with me more. Like all this good stuff comes your way when you're willing to step into life and let go of that entitlement, comfort seeking, perspective.

Yeah. And you don't know you yet. In a way, you know you for the past 20, 30, 40, 50 years, but you haven't developed every area of yourself yet. You don't know what you don't know. So, for example, as people with social anxiety, they probably know themselves as someone with social anxiety, or they describe themselves as introverted or shy, but these are actually things that you can work on. And then a few years from now, you're the life of a party or you're so comfortable in social interactions, how do you know which one is you? Yeah, was that you all along or is it you when you tried it? And so not getting too comfortable with this is just who I am. And always trying to learn and explore more about yourself and grow in that way that adds so much to a relationship.

Yeah, there's a lot of good stuff here. Let's take a quick break. And when we come back, we're going to keep talking about how to sustain passion in the relationship. But I also want to get into, well, how do you resuscitate it? What if someone's listening and they're like, yeah, man, sustain. That would be great. But it's long gone. So let's talk about how, you know, what creates that and how to bring them back, among other things. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this. Does working with Dr. Aziz actually work? Can you really break free from social anxiety and live a life of confidence, success and happiness? Here is what one client had to say about his experience. What would I say to somebody considering coming to see Dr. Disease for a live weekend? Do it. I mean, don't stop it. It's what you need. If you're doubting it, just do it. I would definitely recommend Dr. Aziz to anyone who wants to improve their confidence in social skills. He's, I don't think anyone else out there is offering anything like what he does, especially something that's so geared towards people who, you know, who, who kind of lack in the social confidence area. To get started on your journey towards lifelong confidence with Dr. Aziz, simply go to social confidencecenter.com coaching welcome back. So let's talk about regaining the passion. Let's say it's dwindled a little bit maybe, you know, and here's a there's a couple of high level, quick things I want to share about passion and relationships and sex that people that I've learned from books and other things that people might not know. So this is going to be valuable. And then we're going to talk about bringing passion back in if it's not really there much at all. So one is this idea of bypassers and non bypassers. And I learned this from Dan Weil. He's got a fantastic book called after the Honeymoon. And this is just a great thing to identify with or identify in yourself, like, which one do I tend to be? So he found that in couples there are people that he would call bypassers, which means if there's something going on, like there's a little bit of tension or conflict in the relationship or maybe the person's just anxious about something else in their life. Nothing to do with the relationship. They're just stressed about work or whatever. Those bypassers, they want to be physically intimate. They want to have sex as a way to kind of forget about their troubles or the conflict in the relationship. And then we'll have sex and Then like, you know, I'll feel better, everything will be better. And they're able to kind of put that stuff aside, have sex, and then through that act, kind of clear the energy, heal themselves up, feel better, feel better. Then there's non bypassers. Those people can't bypass anything. And for them it's like, no, no, no, no, no, I cannot have sex with you until we talk about X, Y and Z. You know, I'm feeling resentful about this or when you said that it hurt my feelings and then I need to talk it through, or I'm so stressed about work, I just got to tell you about it for five minutes or ten minutes or whatever. And then once they've talked about X, Y and Z, then they feel way more open to sex and intimacy and connection and that sort of thing. And I found that extremely helpful because I didn't even know that concept until maybe like about four or five years ago. And when I discovered that, it was very helpful because I realized like, oh, in many ways I am a non bypasser. Like, if I'm stressed out about something or there's any sort of tension with me and Candace that doesn't feel good, I am like, nope, nope, that's not happening. I'm not aroused. You cannot make me aroused. And so whether it's three minutes or 30 minutes, it's like, okay, let's just talk through a few things and then boom, I'm ready to go. So as I'm sharing this, it's great for everyone listening just to think like, oh, what do I tend to be? And nothing's all or nothing, but just where you tend to be. And that's going to help you understand yourself and your partner better because maybe one of you is trying to bypass and the other one can't. And you just got to have a spaciousness or a tolerance for that and know what they are. Maybe even have a conversation with your partner about it. And that's going to help you maybe navigate something that's been getting in the way without you even knowing it.

Yeah. I also think it's important to, if you're struggling with attraction in your relationship and passion, to make it a team effort. Not that, I mean, it can be helpful for you to just read books and try to do things to improve it, but I would get your partner involved as well and be honest about that. And maybe you both can read books and bring ideas to the relationship. And for example, sharing this idea about being a non bypasser and asking them how they feel about it and just making it a team effort instead of just like, you having this information and trying to decode what's going on with him or her.

Right. I think that's so important. I think people have a fear of, like, oh, I better not bring this up. Anything about my feelings around energy or passion or sexuality, because that's going to make it worse. And the reality is not talking about it is going to make it worse because you know you're not going to. You're creating another gap in the intimacy. There's another layer of walls coming up. You're like, oh, I can't show them this and that energetically is going to close you off in some way, and the other person's gonna feel it and they're not gonna know why. So I think being able to bring up the conversation, even though it's uncomfortable, and there's probably a lot we can go into about how to do that. I have a few ideas. Let's check with you, Amber. Let's say someone's not feeling that into sex with their partner. How do they bring that up?

I would. So one way that I've brought up difficult emotional conversations and past relationships is by saying, I'm feeling disconnected and making it very clear that I want to feel connected. Because especially with such a tough and taboo subject, people can get defensive. Or suddenly, if you tell them, oh, I'm not feeling really passionate in the relationship, I am not aroused, they get worried that, oh, that means he doesn't want to be with me or he's going to leave me. So make it really clear, like, oh, I'm just bringing this to your attention because I want to find a solution and being very solution oriented. Also, I think most of the time when people fight, they spend like 80% of the time on the problem and talking about the problem and what everyone's.

Doing wrong and why you're the course, you're the source of the problem, why it's your fault and not mine.

Exactly. But actually, I think it's more effective to do it the other way around. Where, okay, spend like 10, 20% talking about the problem just so you're aware of what you're even discussing. And then spend the rest of the time focusing on the solution. You don't have to say, well, you don't do this and you never do your makeup anymore and when's the last time you shaved your legs? And come on, like, put some effort in. Focus on the solution and how you're going to move forward instead of just getting angry about the past or resentful or regretting.

And yeah, sure, I mean this topic is so there's so many layers of depth to it, so there's no way we could comprehensively cover it. I actually kind of realized that during the dating and relationship weekend that we did last year. Just I was like, oh my God, even in three days. There's so many layers of complexity to this. We can't get into everything. And that's okay because every person's situation is unique. But one thing I do want to mention is just to help build everyone's awareness of like when there's a lot more than meets the eye. The way we've been trained in our society is your attractiveness is based upon if you look like X and you know, this is the template for a woman, this is the template for a man. And if you don't look like that, then you're worthless and no one's gonna be attracted to you. And if you veer off that template, you're not attractive. And so a lot of people, you know, if they're feeling less attraction in their relationship, they might say, oh well, maybe it's because my partner doesn't look like that and if they only look like this, then I would feel that attraction. And, and we want to go deeper, we want to develop more self awareness because that's just a layer of mind control and programming that we have. Not to say that appearance doesn't matter at all, but usually there's a lot more than meets the eye. And we think like, wow, if she just shaved her legs then everything would be fine. And it's like, no, probably not. Probably. There's a lot more going on about how connected do you mentioned the word disconnection? How connected do you feel? How much do you feel like she cares about you or that you can talk about what you really want to talk about or a million other things. And I think we can fixate on the appearance because that's the simple one. And then we can even have long conversations about the appearance. And it's like, well, if you just did this and that and this and not to say that we can't ever talk about that, but I would really encourage people to do a lot more self reflection and digging first and be like, what is it really? What is it really that I want? Or what am I not attracted to about this? What do I like, what do I not like? And I realize that everyone's at different levels of consciousness around this too. And some people are a lot more fused with appearance and their appearance and other people are not. So take that for what you will draw from that, what's useful, and then be able to. The key thing though is to be able to have the conversations with your partner at whatever level you have them at.

Yeah. And also if you're with someone who you can imagine that you'll be with them for a longer time or over the years or even if you're married, you're going to want to do the work to find something attractive about your relationship other than what they look like, because that's going to change. And so if it's based on that, you're pretty much doomed. It can't only be based on what they look like because that's going to change. And so you want to do the work to find other things to create passion in your relationship.

Yeah. And you know, talk about doomed. There is a certain percentage of the population that is doomed in the sense that for women they've fully bought into I must look this way and they go the route of extreme augmentation of their body to look as if they're not getting any younger and to feel tormented by it and feel self hatred for the rest of their lives about not being able to sustain a state of youth, which when I look at that is just fucking insanity. Cause it's like we've been taught you're not supposed to age. It's like, wow, that's a setup. That seems a little bit like a problem. Right. And then on the flip side for men, men might not have as much programming about you shouldn't age, but they can say like what? My partner shouldn't age? You know, this is talking about heterosexual relationship. I understand there's more dynamics in same sex couples and stuff, but. And I think in either case, I see it as both everyone's responsibility to, you know, if you really want to thrive in life and you really want to feel good in this life and be able to share love for your entire life. We want to grow beyond what we've been taught about what is beautiful and what is attractive and this, you know. And having said all that, I do think that we do need to start with a base level of attraction in our relationship. And in my experience, if a woman's not my type and I was never attracted to her, if you're starting the relationship that way, that's going to be a lot harder than when you first started the relationship. If you were like, ooh, who's this? And you were naturally drawn to them, then I think There's a lot more energy to work with over the whole lifetime of the relationship.

Yeah. The other point I want to make is that attraction isn't just about what you find attractive about your partner. It's about how attractive you find yourself. So I notice, for example, with myself, if I'm not going to the gym and I'm not really taking care of myself, I start to feel less attractive. Not that I actually look different. I mean, like, even if I don't go to the gym for like four days, I start to feel like blah, and I have less energy. And that affects the passion in my relationship as well. So it's also taking personal responsibility. Or if you're always just in your dirty, stained sweatpants and that doesn't make you feel attractive, then that's going to affect your relationship. And so there's some personal responsibility as well for doing the things for yourself that make you feel attractive.

Absolutely. Fortunately, I feel very attractive in my dirty, stained sweatpants, so. So it's a win, win. Yeah. But that highlights a whole other, you know, you can broaden it to just your own emotional state. And if you're in a shitty emotional state, a lot of the time, you're angry, you're anxious, you're resentful, you're stressful. You don't like this about your boss and you don't like this about your family. And life's doing this to me, and you're more of a victim. Yeah. That's gonna affect passion. Right. Because, you know, people, when they first get into a new relationship, they tend to put a lot of that stuff aside and be like, yeah, who cares about my work? This is, you know, you're amazing. And so we want to keep doing our own inner work to be able to cultivate basically better emotional states. So when you get home from work, instead of being angry and stressed out, you're happy to see your partner. And if you do that, you're probably a lot more likely to have better sex that night or maybe even sex at all. And of course, passion goes way beyond sex. You know, passion can be lying together in bed and just holding each other, cuddling and spooning all night. Like there's a level of intimacy and physical closeness. And, man, I feel like we could go on and on about this topic. And we're at the end of our time today, but we do want to conclude with something which I think would be helpful specifically in this area, which is an action step. Time for action. Action, action. The action step for today is going to Be if you're in a relationship, to have. Think about what it is from this episode, everything you've listened to, what conversation would you want to have with your partner? And it doesn't have to be like a serious. Like, we need to sit down and talk about intimacy and passion in our relationship. I just listen to this podcast, you know, just more like maybe you want to bring something up or you want to ask them a question about sex, or you want to talk about bypassing or anything. Just one little thing like, you know, throw something new into the system. Bring something, you know, new into the system. And alternatively, if you're not in a relationship, although if you're in a relationship, you can do this one as well. It would be to look at that growth aspect of things, like, how can I. Where. Where is the variety and growth coming from in my life? How can I keep growing? And that's an especially important one to ask yourself. And then look for where that is. And listening to this podcast is, I'd say, in the gray area between it is growth. And it also could not be. It could also just be like intellectual entertainment. So the growth would be doing something based upon what you're listening in this show or what you read in a book or whatever. So looking at where your growth edge is and making sure that you're moving towards it, because that will help you and your future relationship, or if you're in a relationship, it will naturally help bring about more energy and variety. So any final thoughts, final words, Amber, on building, creating, sustaining passion in relationships?

Yes. Final thing, bring enthusiasm. Because sometimes our attitude is also just the main factor in why we don't feel passionate. You're always thinking negative things and you're not actually bringing the energy. So I would say invest the energy first and watch what comes back.

Yeah. Instead of the hey, what's up? Whatevs. That's the best way to do it. You come home, you give them like, a bit of a head nod, like, sup? And then you go straight to the couch, you flick on the tv, pull out your phone and do double screen time. That's what you do. Right. That's how we build passion in our relationships. It's not working. What's happening? Yeah. Very good. So thanks for being with us today. This is a fun topic. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.