How To Take Things Less Personally

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to talk about how to take things less personally. This is a very common experience and a challenge, especially if you tend to be maybe be more sensitive or experience a sense of maybe feeling rejected or that people might not like you. A little bit of social anxiety, a little bit of niceness, so that if someone is upset with you or voices an opinion or is critical of you, it can really hurt. And you really take it in and there's this like, ugh, maybe it's a painful feeling, it's a hurt feeling. Maybe it's a scared feeling where you feel like you're two feet tall or you're a little kid who got in trouble or you're stupid or you feel ashamed, or there's all these feelings that can get kicked up when someone says something or does something that maybe is critical or challenging you or telling you did something wrong. And then you take it really personally, like, oh, I'm hurt, and why did they say this to me? And, ah. And maybe you're angry or maybe you want to retreat. And this episode is going to be about helping strengthen your sense of self and your reality so that you are more able to kind of bounce against other people's thinking. Like bumper cars, you're able to bounce against another vehicle and just kind of bounce off of them and have them bounce off of you. Rather than the vehicles have no bumpers on them and they just crash, or their vehicle has a bumper and then your vehicle doesn't, and it's just, my fender crumpled and it's hard to drive and it hurts. Right? So how do we achieve this? You might have even thought, I need to do this. I need thicker skin. I should take things less personally. Or, I'm too sensitive. And you try to tell yourself to not feel a certain way, but you do. So this episode's gonna be about helping you really shift and not just tell yourself, you know, shooting all over yourself about what you should do and then making yourself feel even worse. Cause you're like, well, I shouldn't even feel this way. I'm too sensitive. And now you're adding shame into your stew of unpleasant feelings. And there is a better way. So let's do a quick breakdown of what taking things personally means. It means someone says or does something that you don't like, and then you take on some perspective of yourself that is negative, right? So someone says, hey, I think you're foolish, or you're making the wrong choice here, or I don't like this about you or whatever. And then you take on their perspective that you're foolish or this is bad, or this thing of. This quality of you is not smart or not likable. And you take that on and then you feel bad, you feel unsettled, you feel unsafe, you feel unworthy. That's the pattern of. That's what taking something personally means. And this can go, you know, outside of your own inner close circle. And you could have someone you're driving down the road and you make a right turn and you pull too close in front of someone and they have to hit their brakes and then they're honking at you and flipping you off. And you might take that personally. Now, to use this definition of what taking something personally means, let's run it through it and test it out. So that means when they're flipping you off, they're doing something you don't like. And then their perspective of you is you'd have to interview the person to find out what their blankety blank, this person, blankety blank thinks of you. But it's going to be negative and they're going to think maybe you're stupid or you're a bad driver or you're not aware or whatever. And so you take that on and then you're like, oh, they're saying I'm a bad driver. Ah. And you either implode, that means you just totally agree with it, or you explode. Maybe not too towards them, but in your own mind. And you're like, how dare you say those things, you know, F me, F you, blah, Right? So that means you've taken it in and then you're trying to fight back against it. So in the bumper car analogy, it's still gotten in. It hasn't bumped off of you, and now you're defending yourself. So there's a different way. And it's a way in which you have a bumper around you in this bumper car. And so they hit into you. Boom. And you guys hit your realities and it goes boink and they bounce off of each other. And so what does that mean? Well, how do you do that? Well, maybe it gets in at first and you gotta kinda push it out of you kind of out of the. You know, when someone hurts you, it's like you can feel a sense of hurt. It goes real deep inside and you kinda wanna curl over yourself and you're like my core hur. And you need to expand your physiology. So literally stand up taller, bring your shoulder blades back, bring your head up high, breathe in. And also imagine not just your physical body, but your whole energy is expansive and taking up space around you. And then from this place, say, you know what? I have two options here. One is I can go with this. I can get really hurt and make it about me and oh my gosh, I'm so bad, but. Or I can choose to do something else that is more sane, that is more on my own side, that ultimately gives me more options and more freedom and more confidence. So let's say someone says, you know, you're stupid and you did this wrong. And maybe they said it, maybe they implied it, whatever, okay? So you can breathe in and stand tall and say, hold on a second here, okay? That's what they're saying. That's what their perspective is. Maybe, maybe it's not even that negative, but let's just say it was negative in the moment when they expressed it. Okay, did I do something wrong here? What do I think? What's my perspective on this? They said it was stupid. Was there something in there that might not be the best choice? Is there something for me to evaluate here? I may or may not agree with their assessment or their perspective. And you really want to ask yourself, and even if you do agree that maybe you made a mistake or you could have done something differently, you don't have to take on any pejorative label or negative assessment of who you are as a human or your worth or your capability. It's just like, huh, yeah, maybe that could be done better. Yeah, how could I do that better next time? And sometimes you might assess it and say, you know what? I stand by what I'm going to do here. They might say, that's a wrong choice or a bad decision, or think, you know what? I'm going to do that. And they, and in my reality, that's the best move now. They don't have all the data of my reality. They don't know all the things that are going on for me and all my motives and all my internal drives and external forces and other things, but I do. And so, based upon my perspective and my assessment of the situation, I think this is the best thing to do and this is what I'm going to do. And it may or may not be what that other person says or some quality. Someone's like, oh, you don't know what you're talking about, or you're not effective in this way, whether it's work feedback or social feedback or something. And so you could take it and assess it and say, what do I think? Do I think this is the right move? Is this equality? Is this how I want to be? And you could take it in and then you can decide. And if you want to update or upgrade, you can. But if you do, you don't take in the. The character defaming or devaluation. You reject that. You say, no matter what the decision was, no matter what the mistake was, I am not going to turn on myself. They might turn on me, but I'm not going to turn on me. And can you feel that boundary? I'm not just expressing it verbally. You could probably feel the energy in my voice tone, but it's also energetic. It's an emotional thing. It's like, no, you will not, my son. Just the other night he said, what does the word shall mean, Dad? I don't know where he read it in a book somewhere. Heard it in a book, you know, shall. I said, shall. That's like a proclamation of will. You will do this. It's like you're telling someone what they will do or will not do if you say shall not. And I said, I told him a little bit about Lord of the Rings, from what I remember of it. And I was like, there's this scene, there's this wizard and he's on a bridge and he's like, you shall not pass. And he loved that because he's into wizards and loves Harry Potter. And I'm sure as he gets older, he's going to love all kinds of, you know, fantasy novels and stuff. And then he was really into it and I was like, yeah, that was a good shell. Right. So you need to have that boundary and that to that energy of you're stupid or you're wrong or I don't like you or whatever, and say, you shall not pass. Yeah, so maybe I was distracted when I was driving and I did make a mistake and pull in front of that person. Maybe there's something for me to learn from it. Maybe not. Okay, yeah, I could next. You know, whatever. I could drive better next time. Sometimes I make mistakes when I'm driving. I could drive with more awareness next time when I'm taking that turn. Great, that's fine. I can be aware of that. But I don't need to take in that I'm a horrible human energy. No, that shall not pass. And once you've made. Let's say someone has a differing opinion about what you should do, or once you've decided what's right for you, you have a couple different choices you could communicate to that person. Depends on your relationship with them. If it's a partner or a spouse or a boss or something, you might need to communicate. Hey, listen, I was reviewing it and I know you wanted me to do X, and I think that's not going to work for me. I want to do Y, and here's why. That's an example of communicating it. But some relationships or some dynamics, you don't need to communicate it. You know, someone gives you an opinion on what you should have done about something with your business, and they're not a part of your business or they're not your boss or something, you could just hear it and then say, okay, you know, and then you don't have to necessarily go back and tell them, hey, listen, I think your ideas are wrong. This is about you and you. And part of this is a willingness for other people to judge you, to be upset with you, to be disappointed with you, to think you're doing it wrong, to think you're not smart, to think you're too much. And so when you're really torn up about it, like, oh, I'm in so much pain, I feel so hurt and stuff. What is it? This is a super important question to help set yourself free of taking things personally, by the way. So pay attention here. Ready? Okay. When you're hurting, ask yourself, what is it that I imagine they see me as? That's so painful. Take a moment to really sit with that and breathe with that. What is it that I'm imagining that their perspective of me that they're seeing me as? That's so painful. They're seeing me as what? Immature, Desperate, Greedy, Timid, Foolish, Unwise. Doing it wrong, making bad decisions, not worthy of respect? Okay. And you do that. You might. You might even feel more of that pain, right? Okay, great. But see that? Face it. Breathe into it. And as you look at it, know that it is not the truth. Listen, they may or May not see you that way. They might actually see you that way. Let's start with that. Someone might see you as the worst thing that you never want to be seen as. They might see you, the worst thing is if someone saw you as foolish or making stupid choices in life. And they might see you as that. And that person might be a loved one or a family member or a parent or a client or a colleague or a boss or someone, a brother or sister. And you might just be like, no, no one can ever see me that way. And you can take it one step further and say, you know what? Sometimes people are gonna see me as foolish or stupid or making the wrong choice. They might disagree with me, might disagree with my choices. Who I am and what I do and what I wear and how I speak and what I pursue and the life choices that I make. They might disagree with it. They might say it's the wrong. They might later on, you know, if something challenging comes my way, you know what they could do? A righty pants dance. This is the thing I have between me and Candace. Now. Our boys do it too, where if you're having a little debate with someone, it's a way of taking the energy that can really destroy couples, right? You know, someone wants to be right and they think the other person thinks they're right and then they fight about it a bunch. Candace and I, when we get into that little dynamic, will kind of make a joke about it and say, well, listen, if I'm right here and I know I'm right, and if I am right, then, and we find out, then I get to do the righty pants dance. And so we do this here and there. You know, someone. It could be a little stuff. Just the other day we're going on a hike and you know, I locked the car with the little remote clicker thing. And she's like, did you lock it? And I was like, yeah. She's like, well, it beeped when you pressed it and the beep usually means that it didn't lock properly. And I was like, well, no, because I actually locked it a couple of times and I do it a couple times in a row and then it beeps at me because it's like, you've locked it too many times in a row. And then I feel like, secure, like, haha, I got it because I was too far away to hear it. And she's like, no, I don't think it locked. And I was like, well, why don't you go test it? She's like, okay. So she walked back to the car, and as she was walking, my boys were with us. And I was like, hey, guys, I'm gonna start my righty pants dance now. Even before she tests the car, that's how certain I am that I'm right. And so I start doing my righty pants dance. And she tests the car, and sure enough, it's locked. And then she turns around and walked back to us. And I'm like, that's right. I'm doing my righty pants dance. And then my two boys on either side of me start doing a righty pants dance, even though they had nothing to do with it. And then all three of us are like, oh, yeah, I'm right. I'm right. And you kind of make it playful and you can really relish it. So look, someone might do a righty pants dance on you. Yeah, that choice was wrong. Or you shouldn't have done that. Or you should have done this. Okay, great. Someone is gonna judge you and see you as the very thing you don't want to be seen. And let's take it one step further. What if you are sometimes the very thing that you don't want to be seen? You don't want to be seen as selfish. You don't want to be seen as mean. You don't want to be seen as desperate or needy. So check this out. Breathe with me, fully in and fully out. Sometimes I am selfish. Sometimes I am greedy. Sometimes I am desperate. Sometimes I am needy. Sometimes I make poor choices. Sometimes I'm impulsive. That's all true, isn't it? Sometimes you're generous. Sometimes you're wise. Sometimes you impress yourself with how much you knew and how right your choices were and how many righty pants dance you get to do. Sometimes you're brilliant. Sometimes. What's the opposite of brilliant, right? You're all of it. You're human. Welcome. Join us, Jodie. Come on here with the rest of us. You know, we got good and bad, right and wrong make mistakes. Brilliance, stupidity, insightfulness, compassion, fear, rejection, generosity, greed, all of it. And it's okay. And so the taking things personally is like, you got this stance. I gotta only see myself as this way because otherwise I'm not good. And that's the thing that's the most painful, is that I'm not good. That's really the root of all this. And so if you can separate that and say, no. My goodness. My worthiness, my lovability is independent of this shimmering. Sometimes I'm all these things all humans are. And that's okay. That has nothing to do with my worth. And so if someone sees me in one, you know, through the prism, in one angle, and at that moment in time and that lighting from that angle, I look a certain way to them, okay? And if I even am being that way, and I think I'm being that way, too, okay? Because in a moment, I'll be something different, and I'll be a different part of me and a different energy and a different expression. And that's beautiful, too, because that's life. And I'm like a river. And I'm always flowing and changing and growing and updating and evolving. And if they want to have a fixed perspective of me, that's fine, because I know that that's not true. I know that I'm more fluid than that. And it's okay if they see me as a certain thing. It's okay if they judge me and then they tell other people, like, you know what I'm really worried about. So and so I think he's like, okay, it's okay. Sometimes I am. Sometimes people will see me that way. And I know who I am. I know I'm more than all those adjectives. I know I'm more than certain temporary behaviors in which you got to come back. You know, expand it beyond those temporary behaviors into, well, how do I want to generally show up in my life? What do I value? What kind of qualities do I want to live by? What kind of principles do I want to live by? What kind of ways of being do I want to carry in the world? So I'm going to aspire to do as much of that as possible. And sometimes those choices are in those ways of being, I fall short. Or sometimes people don't like those ways of being, and that's okay, too. So, as you can see, as we get to the conclusion of this episode, really taking things less personally comes back to being less nice, less pleasing, and living more in your own reality, owning your own values, being able to express who you are. Not just by talking back to somebody, by making the choices that you want, by owning who you are and then going for it and standing tall and having that little bumper around your bumper car. So then, boom, someone comes to you and says, you are stupid and wrong. He's like, hey, sometimes people see me as stupid and wrong. Hey, sometimes I am stupid and wrong. But that laugh there, you know what that signifies? I'm using those words, but I don't have any pejorative sense of myself there. I'm on my own side. And so you can just own all the different expressions of humanity coming through you. So let's talk about how to turn this into action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action is going to be to find a moment in the next couple days or week when you take something personally. Could be something real small, could be something real big. And then apply this little process, right? Stand tall, breathe in, expand your energy outwards. Push out anything that you've taken into your core. Push it out, expand it out. Expand your energy around your body. Imagine a little bumper car bumper around you. And then see, okay, what is it that I'm imagining they're seeing me as? That I really do not want them to see me as? Okay, great, let me own that sometimes people will see me that way no matter my best efforts to prevent it. And then take it one step further and own that sometimes I am that way and make that okay too. And then own who you are, how you want to be, how you want to shown up. And it's okay to be wrong. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to learn and live. And sometimes you're going to make mistakes that someone else tells you not to do that thing because they've already made that mistake in their life and they're trying to help you. But you know what? Sometimes you gotta learn by going through life yourself. Alright, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azee. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.