How To Talk To “High-Status” People

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show today is going to be super fascinating. I am willing to bet who money that you're gonna learn some stuff about yourself that you may never have seen before in your life. You're gonna discover some of the ways that you connect with people and relate to people that is really gonna surprise you, but also serve you, help you see what you're doing and help you shift it. And the result of all of this is gonna be a huge increase in your sense of social power. And that's your ability to show up fully, powerfully, confidently in any social situation and know you're as anybody else, not be intimidated by people, not be scared of people's judgments, not be worried about if they're going to like you or not. You're just powerful. You're socially powerful. And the result of that is not only feeling better, but people respond to that. People feel that people are drawn to you. People treat you with more respect. They're more interested in you. It's pretty amazing. And that's the goal of this episode. And it's going to be all about how to talk to high status people. And that might be a term, high status. It might be a term that you're familiar with and it might not be. And so I'm going to share what that means and how to understand it and to notice some things about yourself with it and then how to become more comfortable interacting and talking to anyone. So if you'd like to jump into the show and ask me any questions, just go to shrinkforthshyguy.com that's it. Shrinkforthshyguy.com and go there and send me a message through the website. Or you can actually record an audio too. And I can hear it's like leaving me a little voicemail. That's pretty cool. It's a great way to connect. You can also ask me your questions and I will answer those. I'm going to be doing a lot more of Ask the Shrink segments in this show in 2016. So I'll be answering a lot of questions from you. So send them in. I will answer them. It will be awesome, and a good time will be had by all. In fact, I'm going to be answering a question today that a listener sent in. And actually, that question is, what inspired this episode? So if you really want to learn Something or know about something. Ask me a question and it might actually turn into an entire episode about it. So there you go, that's pretty awesome. So what is high status? High status means you are perceived as higher in the social hierarchy than others. So humans are pack animals. We exist in tribes and groups and units. It's very rare for a human to be totally isolated and totally alone. Very much like wolves. For example, I've been watching a ton of documentaries about wolves because my little son Zaim is obsessed with them. So in the morning and we get downstairs and we'd be like, oh, what's that? You want to watch a wolf documentary? And I check with my wife, I was like, is it okay for a two year old to look at a screen? Because I didn't want him to watch a bunch of stuff. And it's like, well, if there's not a bunch of ads, which is not, it's just like a straight up slow Moving documentary on YouTube. There's something about if they watch it for more than 30 minutes, it can mess with their depth perception because it's 2D even though it looks 3D. So I'm like, okay, we'll just watch a few minutes each morning which like bleeds into 10 minutes because I'm like, I gotta see what the wolves do next. What, what do they do? And they are amazing. And they need a pack. A wolf needs a pack. A lone wolf is struggles. I mean, you know, they'll, they'll be a lone wolf for a while until they find a mate and then they'll, they'll pack up again. And as a pack they're powerful and as a pack they have a hierarchy. And I'm sure you've all heard that there's the alpha wolf and there's the omega, which is the one on the bottom. And the alpha wolf is the strongest and he determines who eats and who doesn't and gets the first choice pieces of meat and is often, you know, really in charge of the pack. And humans are pack animals too. Now it's not usually as obvious. Maybe it might be if it's a company, it's like, well, there's the boss, there's the CEO, they're the top dog. But even if there is no official structure, no official rank like the military or corporation even, still we determine where we are in a pack. And a pack could be among five people that you just met. You know, you're out at a, going to a party or a gathering with a friend and you don't know Five people there. So now there's like five or six of you around a table. People are going to orient themselves into a pack. You're going to slot yourself into the pack and determine where you are. And usually this is happening unconsciously. You're not sitting there thinking, well, where am I in the status hierarchy of this pack? You're just doing your thing. But it's happening unconsciously. It's happening. And when I was experiencing social anxiety, a lot of shyness, a lot of low confidence. Guess where I would always slot myself in any pack, Any situation. That's right. Lower at the bottom. And even with, like, a stranger, I'd be less than. And if you really think about this, I love the metaphor of the wolves, because how does the omega, the wolf at the bottom of the pack, the bottom of the hierarchy, how does he interact around the higher wolves? The alpha wolf, Just think about that. Can you imagine that? Yeah, he's kind of cowering, right? His shoulders are down. Is he making. Is he, like, staring the alpha wolf down? No, he's not making eye contact. He's looking down. He's trying to be small and out of the way and inconspicuous and just hope that he can get the scraps without getting beat up. He's staying out of the way. He's not challenging. He's not speaking up. He's not, like, pushing the alpha and being like, listen, here's what I think. No, he's staying quiet, small and out of the way. Isn't that interesting how much of social anxiety seems like that? I'm going to stay quiet. I'm going to stay small. I'm not going to make eye contact. I'm not going to speak up, I'm not going to make waves. I'm not going to get them to notice me. I'm not going to get challenged. I'm not going to get criticized. Let me stay out of this. Interesting. So big problem here is seeing ourselves and automatically putting ourselves at the bottom of the pack as low status, as being less than, less valuable, less important, less significant, less worthwhile than other people. And there's a whole host of reasons why we might do this. Because we have, depending upon what culture you're in, what society you grew up in, there is a list of what makes someone higher status. So what have you learned is high status? Maybe it's the people that are the most powerful. The people have the most clout or, say, in a company or in an area or a community, maybe it's people who have the Most money. If you're wealthy, then you're high status. Maybe it's like if you got a real nice car, ooh, look at that person. Or a nice watch. Ooh, maybe if you're really beautiful. This is true for men and women, but oftentimes for women, beauty automatically puts them at the high status top of the pack. Men, too. It's not the primary. I think it's like there's a major primary focus for women in a lot of different societies. But what is it? You see how maybe showing up and seeming to be suave or confident make someone seem higher status. So what have you learned is high status? What do you. Because people perceive different things. One person might focus on money as high status and career success, and someone else might focus on physical prowess. And like, that guy's got huge muscles. And in their world, that guy that's like, you know, looks like a beetle with a carapace because he's so gigantic in like the fitness bodybuilding world. Like, well, look at that guy. He's so significant. He's so high status. But I would look at that guy and be like, that guy kind of looks like a freak. I mean, obviously, massive dedication and a lot of respect for his commitment to doing that. It's pretty amazing, pretty rare. At the same time, I'm not looking at that and thinking I'm lower status than that. So we all have our own things that we plug into. And that's why it's important for you to start to notice what yours are. And then even more importantly, we're going to look at how do you start to interact with those people? How do you act around high status people? What do you do? In fact, think about that for a moment. Think about some people in your life that you think are really high status. It could be some people you work with, people you know, friends, women you're attracted to. And then think about, how do I interact around them? What do I do? Do you avoid them? Do you get nervous and quiet? Do you try to get their approval, laugh a lot? Try to get them to respond positively to you by accommodating them or giving them everything they want. Just notice. In fact, we're going to take a quick break and during the break, just keep thinking about that one or two high status people that you can think of and how you relate to them, how you respond to them, how you act around. And then we're gonna do something really powerful that right after this. Hey, it's Dr. Aziz and I want to take a quick second to invite you to my upcoming live event. It's called Supremely Confident Conversation Master. And this is gonna be an awesome experience. We're gonna get together for three days in Portland, Oregon, and we're gonna dive deep on exactly this topic. So if you get stuck in conversations, if you don't know what to say or how to start them or how to keep them going or what questions to ask, you freeze up, you stall out. People don't seem that interested in what you're saying, or you can start it, but then going in deeper, you know, you find this urge to escape, this urge to eject, and it's hard to share yourself and create those real, deep connections, whether it's for dating and relationships, friendships, your business and career, anything that's getting in the way of you being a supremely confident conversation master. That's what this weekend is designed to help you dive into and do so. You're going to discover exactly how to start conversations with anyone in a completely relaxed, casual way. And then how to be engaging, funny, dynamic, and highly charismatic with others. You're going to learn how to stay in conversations, deepen them, and share about yourself so you can easily connect with others. And ultimately how to access powerful authenticity, which allows you to influence others, impact them and inspire them, draw them to you. Become a magnet to other people by being your most authentic self. So this weekend is going to be powerful. Like all my live weekends, we work a lot on strategy. You're going to learn a ton and we remove all the inner blocks. We go deep and take anything that's getting in the way of stopping you. So I would love to spend the weekend with you. Going to be a limited size and tickets are going to sell out. I'm sure we're doing an early bird right now. So if you go to the website, which is social confidencecenter.com and then click on the events tab, you'll be able to learn all about it, find out the details. It's going to be March 4th through 6th in 2016 here, so March 4th through 6, that's a Friday through a Sunday. So go to the website, socialconfidencecenter.com, click on the events tab, get all the info and subscribe. Secure your spot now. And I would love to spend three days helping you become a supremely confident conversation master. Welcome back. So what did you notice about how you interact with people that you think of as high status? And you might do a lot of different things, but there's usually one or two major patterns. For me, it Was avoiding. I would generally avoid. If there was a woman that I thought was really beautiful, therefore she's high status, higher status than me, I would avoid her. If there was a man who seemed very strong or certain or confident in himself, he was outspoken, he was loud, he was more alpha, then I would avoid him. We can't be friends. He's going to look down at me. He's going to think he's better than me. He is better than me. Why would he want to be friends with me? So I would avoid him as well. If I did, through some circumstance, get forced to talk to them or somehow worked up the nerve, then I would be approval seeking. I might be kind of tense and more quiet, more reserved, because I wasn't sure what they would like or would. Especially with women. More reserved, more quiet, more tense. Not joking. Not my normal, awesome, funny, relaxed self. And secretly hoping that they're really going to approve of me. Because there's this weird, strange thing where when we perceive ourselves as lower status than someone, we think that somehow their approval, their accepting of us is going to raise our status. It's going to give us something. And it's weird. This pack stuff is deep. It's deep in our evolutionary psyche and our primal brain centers. And in a way, if you are accepted by the leader of the pack, you might get better food, you might get more opportunities, right? So there's something in there that we think, oh, something good's going to happen. But you know what? It's probably not. And attempting to get it that way by currying favor and seeking approval actually repels it because they respect you less. Again, usually unconsciously, but they're just. They're not as drawn to you. So now actually is a great time for a question from a listener. And I realized as I pulled this out, I didn't grab his name. So this will be. We'll call him Mr. X. Did anyone here play the game Kung Fu for the original NES Nintendo Entertainment System? The one with the two buttons, the red A and B, Kung Fu. Anyone play that? There's like. You're like a little dude. It's like a side scroller. And you could punch and kick. And every time you punched, he went. And you'd punch dudes. And you also punch, like, snakes and wizards and fat guys and ninjas. And you're walking through this like you're going up. It's like the whole level takes place on one floor. You beat that level, you go to the next floor and you're working up through like, Eight floors or whatever to get to save Sylvia. And at the end of each level, they would show your dude standing on one side of the screen and Sylvia, like tied down in a chair. And in between you and Sylvia was Mr. X. And Mr. X was like, you know, he kidnapped her or whatever. So I just thought of that. So Mr. X, you know the best part about that game and this is probably super interesting to you, especially if you never played this game, but if you did, you're probably geeking out like me. So if you got to Mr. X and he was obviously the boss, boss, you know, the top of the game, everyone else was hard. You get to him, it's supposed to be super hard. And if he kicks you like once or twice, you die. So he is pretty hard. But my brother and I found this glitch where if you like got near him and crouched down and just repeatedly low kicked. It was like a glitch where he would like, not. He would just keep missing you and you could kill him. So if that's on your weekend plans to go back and play kung fu, you might just find that you can defeat Mr. X. Very good. That was all relevant. Okay. Mr. X says, I'm actually confident. I am totally myself with people who give off good vibes, but I find that I am less bold around people I see as high status. These are talented, charismatic, or attractive people. So do you notice there what he values as high status? Talented, charismatic, or attractive? Not unusual. Those are pretty much the common ones. Maybe some people value talent more than others. Right. Talented in what? Let's say you're interested in acting. And so then you see someone who's really amazing at acting, you might give them crazy high status. You know, the weirdest thing about the status stuff is if you're in a certain niche world, the people in that world might be really high status to you, but someone else might not know them at all. Isn't that funny? And it's all in our heads. But anyway, so these are talented, charismatic or attractive people. My experience around these people hasn't been the most uplifting. They often make. Ooh, listen to this language. They often make me feel ugly, stupid, weird and untalented. A lot of them make fun of me or I'm the butt of their jokes. Bastards. That continuous response is painful and causes me to avoid putting myself out there. I'm stuck with how to figure out what to do about this. I can't change who I am. So should I work on building up immunity to the rejection criticism? Well, this is a great question. And first of all, really interesting here. They often make me feel ugly, stupid, weird, and untalented. So now I know. He says, well, they're making fun of me. So that might make him feel that way. But my guess is just being in the presence of someone like this might make you feel ugly, stupid, weird, and untalented, because you are comparing to them, and you feel less than, you feel inferior, you feel lower. And here are the things. So this is a window. When you look at someone and you don't feel good about yourself, that is a very powerful gift because you're going to see and you're going to learn what you don't like about yourself, what your critic beats you up for, and something that you want to work on, something that you need to heal, something that you need to grow. And people think they need to go through life and just get better, get less ugly, get more attractive, get smarter, get less weird, get more talented, and then they're gonna feel good about themselves. And that's not true. And some of those things you can't even change, like the appearance of your face without major plastic surgery or something. And it's not about that. It's about the critic that is crushing you inside, that is telling you that you're ugly and you're stupid and you're weird and you're untalented. That is the thing that you need to get a handle on, and that is within your power. You can totally shift that. And there's so many. I mean, this podcast has episode. Multiple episodes dedicated to doing that. You can get my program, the Confidence Code, which is the whole first half of the program, is all about how to transform your critic into your own optimal self coach. So there's tons of ways to do that. And it's just a sign when you're walking around feeling that way, that you need to get that handled. And if you don't, no amount of talent or money or success or being smart or proving that you're smart, or even people telling you that you're attractive, none of that will matter because that critic will find a way to keep tearing you down. So you got to get a handle on that. Now in terms of maybe they make him feel that way by making fun of him. So this one's really interesting. The way we carry ourselves determines whether people make fun of us or not. There's certain people. So the people that are looking to pick on people, they have a radar that's kind of scanning the environment, and they find the people that are likely targets. And those people that are likely targets are people that are giving off of a vibe of like, I'm lower status, you can pick on me. And they also don't respond effectively when someone teases them or mocks them. And certain people have this kind of vibe they give off, and people pick it up and then they. They get them. And so we need to get a lot better at responding to that stuff and defending ourselves. And one simple way is to. First of all, we need to stop buying into the status game. That is huge. We need to stop buying into the status game. We need to let go of this idea. We need to see right through it. Just like a cloud of mist vapor, you just see right through it. So, okay, money. Someone has a lot more money or someone is really, really beautiful. Does that make them a better human being? A more lovable, valuable, worthwhile human being? Really? Slow down and ask yourself that question. This person's beautiful. They have nice skin and symmetrical features and are thin or whatever our criteria is. Does that make them a better human than some guy who's squat and wider and fatter? How do you even rate that? Based upon what? What if that guy who's squatter and fatter works, like really hard, serves a ton of people and is so loving with his family and his kids and has helped them overcome challenges in their lives that no other dad would? Well, now all of a sudden, is he more valuable? I mean, so how do we. It's just like this weird, arbitrary thing that we're usually doing unconsciously. So if we slow down and put our conscious attention on it. Do you want to buy into that? For years, I bought into the status of if I was taller and more muscular. Those guys are higher status than me. So I was perpetually lower status than them because I wasn't getting any taller and I'd work out, But I wasn't getting huge. I wasn't getting swole. Right? And at some point I just decided, I'm not going to buy into this. It has nothing to do with the worth of a person. I mean, sure, if someone wants to dedicate themselves and get in better physical shape, that is awesome and that's healthy and that's good. But it has nothing to do with the value of a human. Do you see that distinction? That's super important. And you got to look at each area that you buy into, whether it's career, success. Oh, man, look at that guy. He made partner. Oh, here I am, still sitting at junior associate. Oh, I'm a loser. And you could be like, hey, look, I have a hunger, I have an ambition. I want to grow, I want to get further, I want to remove the obstacles. That's awesome. But it has nothing to do with your value as a human being. And when we know that people can't make fun of us in the same way because we're not vulnerable to it. So if someone came up to me and said, hey, shorty, and be like, I don't know, I'd be surprised. I'm like, I think I'm average height. I don't know. You need to be. I don't know how they make fun of me. You need to be, you know, you look a little soft. You're not as cut and ripped as you could be. Yeah, you're probably right. Yeah, I'd like to be ripped. I like to get those six pack abs while I sleep, man. Shit, that would be awesome. Right? So you can just respond, you can just not. You don't take it so personally. You can joke with them. You can. And there's another thing. Oftentimes sometimes people are really harshly teasing us and it's bullying and we need to respond to it as such by firing back. That's a whole other episode. But sometimes they're not even doing that stuff. They're just playing with you. They're just teasing. It's lighthearted, it's fun. But we're so in this space of shame about being ugly and stupid and weird and untalented that we take it so personally. But they don't mean it in such a harsh way. They don't actually see us in the way that our critic sees ourselves. Does that make sense? So I can't change who I am, so should I work on building up immunity to the rejection criticism? Well, you can keep growing in your confidence so you can become more talented, you can see yourself as more attractive. You can stop seeing yourself as a weirdo. That's all stuff you can change. Now. You might actually not have to change a whole lot of external stuff. You might actually have to do the inner work to change some of your toxic self critical beliefs. And you can change that. And you can change that faster than you think is possible. And yes, building up immunity to rejection and criticism, super powerful, super important. Again, the solution to that is self love, self acceptance, optimal self coaching, and then being assertive, knowing how to respond to people who are being critical, who are bullying you. So we're gonna take a quick break right now and when we get back, we're gonna add one more super powerful thing to how to deal with high status people, how to talk with them and then we're going to do your action step. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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Welcome back. So one last thing I wanted to share and I feel like there's so much, maybe I'll even do a whole other episode about this, but a few other tips about how to talk to high status people. 1. In addition to letting go of the status game, you got to own your own value. You got to own your value. Stop looking at well they're so talented and I'm not talented. Own how you are talented. Stop dismissing it. Or if it's an area that you truly are very underdeveloped at, find another area and own it. Stop discounting, stop dismissing. Stop saying there's nothing valuable about me. I got nothing. That's horribly untrue. You can find something. And then you know what, if it's truly like you haven't developed yourself in any way, you haven't learned anything, grown, you haven't worked on how to do what you want in the world or do anything at all, and you just spend your entire life watching tv, then maybe you need to change that. Maybe you just want to get more involved in life. Maybe this is a signal to you and to get out there and start being more of who you are and who you want to be. Another super powerful tip for dealing with high status people. Treat them like ordinary people because they are. Doesn't matter what their aura or status or success or how many people want to know them or how famous or liked they are? They're just fucking people. They're human organisms that are born, like, they explode out of their moms in a pile of mess, and then they're a little stupid kid that's running around, like, pooping in their pants. Little kids aren't necessarily stupid. I don't know, but I'm trying to, you know, take them down off that pedestal. Little kids are actually really smart. I love little kids. Take them down off that pedestal. There's the person. Guess what? They still take a shit every morning. Maybe sometimes they get constipated. Yeah, think about that. They have insecurities. They have. No matter how powerful and successful they are, they have insecurities. They wonder, deep down, do people love me? Am I good enough? Even if thousands and millions of people send them fan mail and love them, they still wonder that. They still doubt that. It's crazy. It's part of being human. And remember, for this podcast, I've been interviewing people. Some of them are really successful authors, business owners, really powerful people. Some of them I'd admired for years before I got a chance to talk with them. I remember in the beginning, when I was doing the show, sometimes I would get an interview with someone. I'd be all nervous, like, ah, this is so and so who is, like, unknown, maybe in the greater world. But I'm like, this is Dan Weil, one of the world's leading couples therapists. I read all this stuff in graduate school. This guy's famous, right? So I'd be all nervous. And then I just like, after the first one or two, I was like, okay, I gotta shift something because I'm buying into some status game here. You know what? They're just people. I'm just gonna treat this person just like a normal person, just like anyone else. When you can do that, you start to interact with them. They actually appreciate it because they're kind of. They don't want people like, you know, brown nosing and, ugh, what do you need? So nervous around you, it's annoying. Just treat them like a regular person. And that brings us to our action stuff.

Time for action.

Your action step for today is to do one of these things from the episode this week. So it's going to be either owning your value, it's going to be looking at the ways that you can stop buying into the status game, and it's going to be treating people that are higher status like ordinary people. You can do all three if you want. You can Just pick one. But just pick something. Or maybe it's something else entirely from this episode that just came to you that I didn't even say. It just reminded you of something that you heard elsewhere you already knew or already remembering something that's true and deeper inside of you. Whatever it is, take one thing from this and apply it when dealing with higher status people in this week and just notice maybe looking at two people that are talking and all of a sudden your mind's like, whoa, that person's so much better than me. And just see if in that moment you can just see right through it. They're just a person. They just want love like all of us. They want to do good enough. They hope that they can be happy and avoid pain. They're just trying to figure it out. No matter how successful they are, they still have all that stuff inside of them. All those doubts, all those insecurities. You just see right through it. And then just go talk to them like a regular person, no matter how beautiful, no matter how powerful. And just notice what happens. Awesome. Great to spend this time with you. I look forward to hearing more. You can always go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and send me a message there. You can also go subscribe on itunes and also give this show a rating on itunes. That will help it grow and expand the more ratings it gets. I think that helps. So if you can do that, also type like a review, not just give it the five stars or however many stars you think it deserves. Probably five. Yes. And then type something too. That helps what you like about it, what you're learning, how you're growing. I love reading those. So you can do that. That would be awesome. And I look forward to speaking with you next week. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.