How To Tell If You're Too Desperate

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about whether or not you are too needy, too desperate in various situations in your life. This can, you know, people think of that romantically often, right? Oh, my dating life. Am I too needy? This could also show up, though, in a relationship. Sometimes you feel like, oh, man, I want my partner or need them more than they need me or want to spend more time with them than they want to spend more time with me or want to have sex with them more than they want to have sex with me. And there could be a differential there that's uncomfortable where we feel like, oh, I'm the needy one. I'm the desperate one. We don't like that feeling. And then if we're single, then we can be afraid that. That, you know, repels people or scares them off. But it doesn't. It's not limited to your romantic life, right? This could show up at. In business, your career, right? Whether it's trying to make deals or sales. If you ever talked about sales with anybody and you have either done sales or know people that do sales, you know, that's. What do they call it? Commission breath, right? For you want to make the sale, but you're needy or desperate. And then, of course, this could even show up in friendships, too, social situations. And then. And the fear is that, well, being needy or desperate is bad. That's going to repel people, and I don't want to be that way. And it's. And it's not only is it bad to act that out, but it's probably. Maybe it's bad to feel that way. I shouldn't feel that way either. And so in this episode, we're going to really dive into this because multiple things are true here, right? There is something that you might have observed in your life or others in the world at large that coming on and a certain way can have a counter Effect counter to what you want. Right. And so if you are feeling needy or desperate, you know, that may or may not be the problem. We'll get into that in just a minute. But if we act that out and come from that place, we can push things away. We've all felt that. We've all observed. We've all probably been on both sides of that, where we're the desperate ones or we're the ones who someone is desperate to connect with, and we're like, right. So it can go either way. And one of the big things you're gonna get from this episode is just to remove a lot of the charge of it. It can be so loaded, like, ooh, it's so wrong and bad. And it's not. It's just human. So I'm super excited to share this with you. I think it'll really free you up, give you more insight and clarity, and also give you something practical to work with. Because sometimes when I talk with clients and this question just came up recently in my Mastermind program, it's hard to discern. Am I being too needy? Is that what caused my last relationship job interview business thing to not go well? Or is it something else? So hopefully get a lot of clarity from this episode and also just more freedom and acceptance to be you and also have some tools to navigate that feeling when it's arising. You ready? All right, I'm excited. Let's. Let's dive into it. Speaking of that feeling, we got to start there, right? Because that's what we're talking about. It's all originating from a feeling, and there's usually a story associated to that feeling, but the feeling is one ultimately, of fear. There's other things on top of it, but the root of it, it's fear. And there's a sense of scarcity and a feeling of, I need this to be okay. I need this person to respond to me, you know, and not just respond. Right. Ultimately, we have a bigger agenda. We want them to like us, be friends with us. Date you? Us. I don't know. They're not dating me. It's you. You're the main character here. Right? I want them to date me. I want them to approve of me. I want them to say yes to my proposal. And so I need this person to do that. And that is the distinguishing factor that makes the feeling so painful and hard to be with. It's not I want, it's I need. And that's not just a semantic thing with different words. That's a universe of difference when it comes to your feelings. Because we want things all the time, right? Passing desires and wants float through us all day long. Some reasonable, some unreasonable, some legitimate, like, I want some food. And sometimes it's just a manufactured want, like, ooh, look at that item that, you know, some ad has shown me, I guess I want that now. Didn't even know it existed 10 minutes ago, right? So we have different wants that pass through, and they could be more or less urgent or significant. We really want it, or it's mild. But all that's pretty manageable. All of your wants are manageable. And if you don't get what you want, you're okay. I mean, that's part of maturing. Maybe a little toddler, young child, he gets really, really upset if they don't get something they want. But we all kind of become like those toddlers or children. Not on the outside, you got your adult face on. But on the inside, when it flips from want to perceived need. I need it, you say. What's the difference? Well, it's a matter of intensity, as evidenced by the teeth grinding and grunting I just did. But also it's a perception difference. It's a feeling and a perception combined. Because when it goes into need, even if you're not using those words, you might still be saying want. You might not be saying anything at all. It's just a feeling inside. But if we were to put it into words, it's need, grunt, groan, grind. I need it. And the story that goes without the perspective is I'm not okay without it. I can't feel good without it. I can't be relaxed without it. I'm not safe without it. So now we've loaded that want with some serious baggage. It is serious business now, because now it's a matter of almost survival, if not physical life and death, survival, emotional survival, you know, what could we possibly load it with? Why do we think all of a sudden I need this person to survive? If you're single and you're going around your life, you're presumably living okay, you know, you're. You're alive, you're here, and yet you meet somebody, and then all of a sudden you need them in your life, or else you can't go on, but you didn't know them a month ago. What's going on there? Well, the reason it flips from want to need is because there's a switch that gets flipped, which is if I don't get this. And in that unknown, we put in some spooky stories. So very common. 1 Dating relationships is if this person doesn't want to be with me, then doom, awful, awful things. Probably never be with anyone ever again. Yep, yep. Single forever. That's a good one to tell myself. And then probably just to add some, some cherry on top of that cake is I'll never be with anyone again because I suck. There's something terribly wrong with me. Now don't make me pinpoint it. I don't know, it's just vaguely unlovable, I guess. So now all of a sudden that text that you send that person becomes really important because your entire future is hanging on the balance. Choose wisely because the words you use will determine the course of the rest of your life. At least that's how it feels. So it becomes very high stakes, in other words. And not that it really is, but it feels that way. And then that's where the problems when people talk about being desperate or needy, that's where it's problematic, is where now we're loading it with so much such high stakes that instantly you're going to start to tense up. You're going to start to go into your head over, calculate, overthink. You're in danger mode, self preservation mode, control mode. And none of those things are effective. Not for interpersonal relationships, not for a new dating experience, not for a friendship, not for a business deal, because it's manipulative. It's, you know, using someone as a, as a means to an end for your own emotional well being or sense of safety. And people feel that and they don't like that. People don't like to be objects. Who knew, right? So whether they can consciously describe it or not, they feel that and then they just. There's less energy there, there's less interest there, there's maybe a repulsion there or maybe just not enough to grip them onto the next thing. Right. So it's not this deep worthiness issue. It's the belief that I need this or I'm not okay. Why do we think I'm not okay if I don't get this person to like me, if they don't want to date me, if I don't get this deal? Because. And then we've loaded the future with something terrible and it's made up. It's a fantasy. Now where do you come up with that future? I don't know. Right. Mark Twain said, there's many terrible things I've experienced in my life, some of which actually happened. So we dream into it. It's Fear, it's anxiety, it's worry. Maybe it also could be the past. So we take something from. Painful from the past, like, oh, I remember I was single and no one wanted to be with me and I felt unlovable. And then we just kind of project that out indefinitely. Yeah, that painful thing, it's gonna go on forever. Why? I don't know. Because this person didn't want to date me. And so we perpetuate these cycles because then that fear makes us probably less effective at our next attempt. Opportunity, experience, risk. And the cycle goes on and the story deepens. So a client was asking about this in a recent call, and he said, yeah, but how do I know if I'm being desperate or not? Am I? Because another very real concern is maybe you're not. So sometimes it comes across as well. How should I follow up with somebody if they don't respond to me? Is that being desperate or is that not being desperate? And the answer is, well, a couple of things. First of all, it depends. No one likes that answer, but it really depends upon your energy and where you're coming from. That's the most important part. And so I gave him this little test. I said, so before you're going to reach out to this person. This was a business example, but he also experienced it in dating relationships too, as we all have before. You reach out to this person, he was reaching out to somebody related to a business thing. They hadn't gotten. They expressed interest initially and then they weren't getting back to him. So how often does he message them? How persistent does he be? Well, generally in business and in life, persistence is useful. People are busy. They don't answer everything, they don't follow up or they're considering it or whatever. And so how do you walk that line of persistence versus being pushy or desperate? Well, there's no clear algorithm, something that we, we learn, and it's also in the eye of the beholder. So you might think it's reasonable, they might think it's pushy or desperate. So we can't control everything, but we can look at where you're coming from. That's the most important thing. So I said, well, before you message this person, check in with yourself. And on a scale of 0 to 10, where 10 is the highest, how much do you. Are you feeling in that moment? That sense of, I need this person to respond and I need this deal to work out or else. Now, I'm not talking about. Of course you want this person to respond. Right. It's exciting. To have a business deal go the way that you want. It's exciting to have someone that you're into want a second date with you. This isn't about being some disconnected, unemotional robot. You're like, I don't care. Feel nothing. I'm apathetic. Right? That's not what we're going for here. Of course you want it. Of course you can. Oh, I hope it happens. I'd be disappointed if it doesn't. Right? That's human, man. That's the ride. That's what we're here for. So I wouldn't try to wait till you have nothing like that. How are you going to engage in your life with no emotion? There's no drive, there's no urge to do anything at that point. So of course you want it. Of course you feel things. But you want to start getting better at discerning between a want versus this fear. Grasping, and those are words that I'll use is grasping. And it's like a squeezing. And I'll feel it in my chest or my solar plexus, which is the area right below your chest, right below your heart, I should say in the center of your chest, kind of over your sternum, in between your ribs there. But it'll be like a tight ball. And if you're like, I don't know what I feel in my body, dude. That's another useful skill beyond the scope of this episode. But just look in the episodes, do a search for how to feel your feelings. I think you call it the life changing art of feeling your feelings. But just type in feelings in the search@shrinkforthshyguy.com shrinkforthshyguy.com you can also go drizziz.com and look under resources and we have the podcast linked directly there as well. So that way you can search for it. Get guidance on how to do that because that's a very helpful. That's an extremely life changing tool. So hence the name of that episode. But you start to pay attention. Wow, I'm really, really attached right here. I need this. That's what it feels like. And in that case, I wouldn't send the message. It's probably not going to go well. Probably going to drive them away even if you try to craft it perfectly or you have chatgpt write it for you. All right, Chad, here's what I'm feeling now make it sound not desperate and tell me what to say. Great. Maybe you do want to enhance your message by having the robot write it for you. But in any case, I still wouldn't send it because it's not just about the words that we. The human interaction is not just words. It's emotion and it's meaning and its energy. And we're picking up on all fronts, whether you think you are or not, whether you're conscious of it or not. That's why we get a feeling about people. That's why we're drawn to people. That's why there's a resonance with certain people. There's all these things that are beneath just the content and the words. And we want to get better and better. And noticing that now, you say, okay, I notice it. I'm not going to send the message, but I sure feel like I'm dying inside and I need it. So what do I do now? Well, that is your opportunity to really examine what I call the fundamental error, which I talk more in depth about by my upcoming book, Doubtless. When is it coming out? Soon. That's my answer. Ask me. Soon. Soon. It's in close. We're. It's fully edited, proofed, audiobooks recorded. It's coming, and we have to get the layout now done. So it's happening. Layouts in process. But in there, I talk about the fundamental error, which is I need something out there to be a certain way right now or I'm not. Okay? And that's something worth examining. So when you say, oh, but I need this person to respond to me, get really curious. I know the urge to fixate on that one person or one opportunity or one thing. And it feels like that's what it's all about. It's just this one thing. But it's not. It's not. It's about you. It's about your relationship to life. It's about your perception of the universe and your place in it. And I would take a big step back. Say, is that really true? In fact, let's turn this into your action step for today. Time for action. Action, action. Let's do this for your action step, where when you notice and you can even scan in your awareness right now if you feel like you. I need something to be a certain way. We're kind of doing this sort of a lot of the time might not be front and center. Then it's really intense. It's 10 out of 10, very uncomfortable. But we can kind of need stuff all the time. And we create this urgency or pressure inside, right? I gotta get there faster because I'm late. Or I need this thing to go a certain way or my Internet needs to be back up right now, damn it. Right. Whatever it is that we feel like we need it right now or we're not. Okay. Take a moment and really feel that urgency in your body. And it's loaded. Right? It's like pulsing with need and urgency. And see if you can expand your capacity to create space around that and be with that and soften without needing to do anything. And this is a powerful practice. I highly recommend listening to that episode, A Life Changing Art of Feeling youg Feelings, because that is what gives us the antidote to this. The more you can feel your feelings directly, the more free you are from that need to go make something out there this second. And of course, you can still go pursue the business opportunity or the person that you're into or whatever. Of course, absolutely. But let's come at it from a very different place. And. And you just might find very different results in your life. All right, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter. Com.