Dr. Aziz explains texting strategy for dating: keep messages short, ask questions that prompt replies, don't take delays personally, and follow up multiple times over weeks before escalating to a call or date.
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Welcome to the Art of extraordinary confidence. I'm Dr. Aziz, and today we're going to get into texting. Texting is an incredibly fascinating topic, and it's something that a lot of people that I work with struggle with. Now, this could be in a variety of contexts with friends or co workers, but usually where texting is the most challenging and, and where we struggle the most is in dating and relationships, right? And we're going to reach out to this person that we just met. We got our number, and now we want to follow up and see if we can connect more. And that's where things can go real well or train wreck. So I want to share some things with you right now, today that are going to help you avoid the train wreck and have things go the way that you want them to. The first thing you have to realize about texting is that it's not a real conversation. It's not a real conversation. Let me explain what I mean by that is, I think humans, we kind of evolutionary developed over millions of years to connect with each other, to communicate. And for the vast, vast majority, like, pretty much 99.9% of that time, it's been through face to face conversations. I mean, texting, emailing, even letters weren't that common for most of our development, right? So we're used to that conversation. And so when you talk to someone, you're going to get an immediate response in a conversation. So imagine this. Let's say I was talking to you and I said, hey, John, how's it going today? And you went like this. And you just went and did something else. Now naturally I'd be like, what the hell, man? I'd feel rejected, I'd feel ignored, I'd be hurt, or I'd be angry. And that is exactly the same mentality we bring to texting. You know, how many times have you texted someone and you didn't get a response or didn't get a response right away, or even after a little time, and you're, you're like, ugh. And you're really hurt by it, right? You're hurt, you feel rejected. And then you're reacting to that like, either I'm angry because they rejected me, or I'm hurting. I'm not good enough. I messed it up. She doesn't ever wants to talk to me again. And we make it as if it's a real conversation, as if the person is just straight up ignoring you. That's not what's happening. Texting is not a real conversation. It's A means of contact. Yeah, but it's not a real conversation. So think about it. There's a million things that could be going on. Why someone doesn't text back right away that don't mean that they're totally ignoring you and they hate you. Right? Because that's where our mind goes. And then we either give up or we start operating from that place. Like kind of apologetically, like, sorry to text you again, but do you want to hang out with me? Maybe, Maybe. And that's never a good place to come from when you're connecting with someone. So you want to not take in that idea that they're horribly rejecting you if they don't text. Right. Because, for example, have you ever not texted someone back right away? Is it because you hated them or does something else come up? How many times do you check a text and you're like, oh, shit, yeah, I'll deal with that later. And you go on and do something else and you forget about it. Or sometimes someone sends you something, you're like, I'm not quite sure how to respond to that. Huh. And then you put it down and then maybe you get back to it a couple days later, maybe you don't. I mean, that's what I do. That's a lot of people. If you're busy in your life, that's often what happens. Now you might be like, no, I respond to every text 10 seconds after I get it. Well, that's a, that's a cool standard you want to keep. But the vast majority of people aren't going to buy into that. So you want to let go of that idea that an immediate response is necessary in order for you to not be rejected. Then what you want to do is you want to use texting as just a means of creating some contact. So I wouldn't have like an extended like, hey, I really like hanging out with you and this is great about you and do you want to go out with me all in your first text? Because that's treating it again like a conversation. No, the purpose of a text is just to provoke a little response and get a little back and forth going. So how was your trip? How did it go? What's going on? What do you think about that? Short back and forth responses to bring the other person out. And once you've done that a little bit, then you're going to want to escalate it to a phone call or to an actual date. And if you're like, oh, oh my God, but that's scary. That's uncomfortable. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't like talking on the phone. I'll have another episode about talking on the phone and how to do that with confidence. But the short version of it is you've got to develop that skill because that's just another form of communication, and you want to be able to do that well as well. So that's one of the main texting tips, is to realize that it's not a conversation, a real conversation. So there's a million reasons why they're not responding. Don't take it so personally. And then just do it again so you don't get a response. A few days later, be like, I just text another thing. Don't text like, how come you didn't respond to me? Why do you hate me so much? What did I do wrong? You know, that's all based upon that fear, that belief. It's just not happening. So just assume that they're busy and be like, just ask another question. Just poke again. Poke again. I was just talking with a client about this, and he's like, after. She doesn't respond once. I'm like, well, she doesn't want me to text her ever again. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You got to go at least three or four times over a couple week period. And then even that if I was really into someone and they didn't respond after three or four times, maybe the last time I gave it a shot was I'd just be a little provocative. I'd be like, so is this your way of telling me to fuck off? Question mark, smiley face, you know, something like that. So they know I'm joking. Or it's like, you know, if you want me to leave you alone, I guess I could. I'd be kind of joking or playful in my last text right before I'm going to leave them alone. So you really want to be patient about jumping to that conclusion that they don't want to talk to you. Because really, that's just coming from an old story, an old negative identity of I'm not attractive. Anyway, so that's the short version of the texting tips. If you really want to get way deeper into this stuff, then you got to check out my program. 30 days to dating mastery. You can see at 30 days to dating mastery.com we go deep in exactly how to shift those inner states in yourself to feel more confident. So this stuff just comes naturally to you because you're really coming from a place of power in yourself. So check that out if it's right for you. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.
