How To Win Valentine’s Day

Coming to you from the center for social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the shy guy helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Hey, welcome to today's episode of. Of the show. Today, it's gonna be all about Valentine's Day. Oh, yes, Valentine's Day. Now, I don't know where you're at. In fact, that's what we're gonna discover in today's episode, what your status is in relationships. Not just, you know, whether you're single in a relationship, but mentally what your status is in relationships. And if you're anything like me, I mean, Valentine's Day can. Can mean a whole lot or a whole little. You might not care at all. You might not even know that it was Valentine's Day, or you might hate it. You might have a charge against it. You might love it. I don't know. Maybe you love to go buy gifts or chocolates or receive or something. I don't know. So wherever it is, let's talk about it, though, because I spent many years of my life feeling shame on Valentine's Day. So I thought it was important to address because you might relate to this. But I'm not a big holiday guy. I don't really super care about a lot of the main holidays, whether it's, you know, United States, Thanksgiving, Christmas, fourth of July. I don't know. I liked to light fireworks when I was a kid, and I like to get gifts on Christmas, even though our family wasn't even Christian. We were just American culture, man. You buy gifts. But in any case, I wasn't a big holiday guy. I'm not really to this day, and especially not something like Valentine's Day, where it's kind of like, you know, is that fabricated by Hallmark? But nonetheless, every time Valentine's Day would roll around, for many years of my life, I would feel shame. The reason I felt shame, a sense of I'm not good enough. I'm unworthy, I'm unlovable, was because I wasn't in a relationship. And not only was I not in a relationship, but I was not even close to a relationship. It wasn't like, oh, yeah, I'm in between relationships right now. It was like, no, I just don't date. I just don't have relationships. And so I'd feel really bad about myself. I'd feel inferior to everyone who I thought could somehow figure something out that. That I couldn't figure out. And so this holiday ended up causing a lot of pain whenever it came around, I was like, especially if someone were to ask me, dude, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? I'd be like, ah. And I tried all sorts of things, usually just trying to get out of the conversation or change the subject as quickly as possible. I didn't like making stuff up because it just felt so bad, felt even worse. So I usually wouldn't do that, although I tried a few times. It was just overall uncomfortable. But it had nothing to do with Valentine's Day, did it? It never does. It never has anything to do with the outside thing that we're pointing the finger at, does it? No, it's all about me. It's all about my internal experience of relationship and specifically my status in relationship. And that's what I want to explore with you starting today in this episode. By the way, if you're enjoying this and benefiting a ton from these episodes, if you that's awesome, because that's my point. And if you'd like to do me a favor in return, I would much appreciate it. And that's go to the itunes wherever you found this podcast and give it a review because that's going to help me in my mission to end criticism, fear, self doubt, anxiety, social anxiety, and replace it in the world with confidence, boldness, authenticity, power, humor, and love. So I would love that and your support in my mission there. So let's talk about your status. The way I see it right now, as you're listening to me, you are in one of three categories. Three categories in terms of your relationship status. One is you're single, means you're not in a relationship. And when I say relationship, I mean romantic relationship. Could be with a man, with a woman, same sex, opposite sex, doesn't matter. Category two, you're in a relationship. That means you're dating or you are boyfriend and girlfriend or fiance or married or something in between, partner, life, partner, who knows what, you're in a relationship. And the third is a bucket catch all category that's called it's complicated. So I don't know, who knows what's going on there. You're on again, off again, and you're kind of sorting maybe seeing other people or this or that, and I don't know, but that's the third category. And you'll know. You'll know if you're there. So what is it? It's one of those three. And of course we're going to dig a little deeper because in each of these categories you can have very different mental states that make you either Happy or miserable. So let's just start with what are the three that one of the three that you're in. So identify where you are right now. Shouldn't be too hard. Good. Okay, now let's look at what are the different mindsets you can have about each of these. So let's say you're single and you can be in all different emotional states with this, right? You can be eagerly wanting to be with someone, like just wanting it so bad in your heart and it's aching and you're pining over the last time you were in a relationship and, oh, I shouldn't have broken up because, oh, I wish I had someone in my life right now and I want it so bad. Or you could be, I don't know, kind of ambivalent about it. Part. Part of me wants a relationship, but part of me likes being single. I got all my own stuff and I don't have to answer to anybody. Kind of, well, you're not quite sure, right? You kind of want it. You kind of don't party. You wants it, part of you doesn't. Or maybe you're on the other end of the spectrum, which is like, fuck that. You know, maybe you got hurt in a relationship. Maybe someone broke up with you, maybe someone cheated on you. Maybe something painful happened in your last relationship, or maybe you never had a relationship, but you had some wounding or something, where now you're in a place where it's like, fuck that. I never want that. You know, relationships are nothing but pain. Maybe that's your stance. So if you're single, where are you? And if you're not single, let's say you're in a relationship, the last time you were single, where were you? This is important to identify because identifying this is going to help you shift into a state that's a lot more supportive of getting what you want. Good. So in a moment, we're going to talk about the different mindsets you can have about being in a relationship. Because that, I mean, there's all different ways we can be in a relationship. And maybe we'll talk a little bit about the. It's complicated as well. And then let's look at what it is that you really want, what really works, and how to thrive no matter what space you're in. Because so many of us have this mentality that if you're single, you gotta feel miserable. Or maybe you're in a relationship and you're not fully satisfied, and then it's either, well, this relationship is doomed and I'm gonna be miserable as long as I'm in it, which is not very empowering. Or you think that there's no way to turn it around. Or maybe you're scared to leave it. I don't know. We're going to explore that. But the end result of this episode is you're going to know where you are now and then what you need to do to create much more fulfillment in this area and maybe some old BS toxic stories that you need to let go of that says if you're single, you're a loser. I know. I had that one for many years. So we're going to help you shed that. Feel way more at peace with where you are and have you have the courage and the confidence and the boldness to go after and create what you want in your relationships, in your dating life. Stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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Welcome back. So we covered the what your mindset might be if you're single. If you're in a relationship, there's a couple of ways it could be going. One, it could be an awesome relationship. You are fully in love with each other. There's honesty and you just are right there with each other. You know what's going on with them. They know what's going on with you. You can share anything with them. And and there's also a level of deep passion like you're turned on by each other. You're excited by each other. You love touching each other, being with each other, making love. That would be what I would call an awesome relationship. There's love and there's passion. So maybe you're experiencing that, and if so, congratulations, because that doesn't come by default. That takes work, especially, you know, beyond the first couple months. To be able to sustain that is a sign of you being bold and courageous because that's one of the things that it requires to be able to have that in your life. So well done. Maybe you're experiencing the second category or the second type of relationship where you are in love. You deeply love each other. Maybe you've been partners for months or years or decades and you are deeply in love with each other. You couldn't imagine living without that person. You guys spend all your time together and have a life together, but there's not that much like energy or juice to it. You guys are like friends. You're like really good friends. But there's no passion, there's no charge, there's no chemistry. There's no, you know, intimate sexual touching. There's no fire, there's no passion. So maybe you're in that place. That's where a lot of relationships end up. After X number of years goes by and X is the related to the story that the couple has. Well, that just happens after five years. Well, that just happens after you have kids. Well, that just happens after 20 years. Right? Some story as to why that just quote just happens. It doesn't just happen, by the way. It's a result, it's an effect. Like everything in life is a cause and an effect. It's an effect of a lack of practicing certain habits. And without those habits, we lose the passion in the relationship. It has nothing to do with bodies changing with appearances, changing with. I remember had a friend who's like, I read a study and I love this, by the way. I read a study. It's like when people say that in this day and age, it's as if they're saying I'm about to impart ultimate fact and truth. You know what, Maybe it was back in the day, you know, a thousand years ago with the Bible or something. It's like this is the truth of the, you know, of this particular religion or the Quran or whatever, right? And now it's been replaced in our modern scientific, materialist culture. That's like, I read a study. Here is absolute fact. But this study is like, dude, you just read like a headline on Facebook. You didn't read the study. Anyway, I read a study, as my friend told me that, you know, after I forget what it was, like two years or four years, the pheromones change and the scent of your partner is no longer activating some, you know, animal part of you that their pheromones used to. I was like, what? What are you talking about? I think it's just total. It's total bunk. I don't know what the fuck the study was. Who knows? Maybe they found something. But that's just another piece of evidence that validates that. That adds energy to this default view of relationships, which is highly toxic, which is what I believe for years, which is if you're in a relationship for long enough, you're gonna hate each other, or at best, you're gonna live together, but you're not gonna be close, you're not gonna be intimate, and you're certainly not gonna be passionate. And that's because that's what I. You know, my parents, they're still together. They love each other. They couldn't live without each other. I don't. I don't see them kiss ever. They pro. I don't know if they have sex. I don't know. But, I mean, it would be. Doesn't seem like it. Maybe a conversation I need to have with dad, or maybe not. I probably won't. In any case, that's the default view. I want to. I want to challenge that. I want to shatter that Candice. Her smell turns me on like crazy. And it's. We've been together five years now, so I don't know, maybe that disappears. Maybe that disappears at year six and a half. In any case, love, but no passion. Maybe that's where you are. Unhappy but settled. A third mindset you can be in. In your relationship. Unhappy, but settled. I talk to a ton of clients that are in this place. Unhappy, but settled. Yeah, but, you know, it's not great, but. Partner's critical. But, but. But. And underneath there is some version of but this is the best I can do, but it would be too hard to leave. But it's too painful to imagine anything else. But, but, but. And I'm not saying you need to break up. You know, you gotta do whatever's right for you. But I know that's a major place that a lot of people live, which is unhappy in the relationship, but settled. And maybe you don't need to break up. Maybe you need to radically transform in your own life and magically things will get better in your relationship. Imagine That, I don't know, really depends on your situation. Maybe your partner's a dick. Any case, the fourth. The fourth category, if your partner's a dick, you might want to be planning on this one, which is planning your escape. This is every year for planning your escape. You're in the relationship, but, man, you're like. You're like in, you know, in those prisons when they. Those guys have the spoons. This is back in the day, maybe the 1930s or something from what I've learned from movies and cartoons. But they would have, like, a spoon, and they'd hide the spoon under their pillow or whatever, and then each day they'd crawl somewhere behind their bunk and they'd scoop out a tunnel. They'd be planning their escape for years. And some people are. Maybe you are planning your escape for years and, you know, unhappy, but settled. There could be tons of torment there, right? You're just like, oh, maybe I should go, maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That's, you know, so unhappy, but settled. Settled makes it sound like you've settled to the bottom and you have no feelings about it. But it might be actually very torturous. And same thing with planning your escape, right? Because if you were going to make your escape, you would be done. But planning your escape is that kind of torturous place of like, should I do it or not? Okay, I got my escape plan. No, no, they're doing. They're doing better. They didn't yell at me today. Okay? Right. And you, whatever. Maybe it's yelling at you. Maybe it's something else. I don't know what your dynamic is, but you're planning your escape. So that's the other category for relationship. So where are you if you're in a relationship or maybe you're single? But think about your last relationship. What did it. Where did it end? How did it end? Or if you're in a relationship now, what's your status? Love and passion. Awesome relationship number one. Number two, love, but no passion number three, unhappy and settled. And number four is planning your escape. So where are you? And be honest, Just you and me hanging out. And really, when I say hanging out, I mean you're just listening to my voice and thinking in your brains so you don't have to tell anyone. I won't even know. Just you. Being honest with you. And that's one of the most essential criteria for having an extraordinary life, is to be honest with yourself, even if it's uncomfortable. And the last category of relationship is it's complicated. And I'm not going to go too deep into this one because there's so many varieties and it's. Well, it's complicated. But some categories could be friends with benefits, someone you sleep with but you're not quite dating, but it's not quite fully clear. Could be an on again, off again relationship where you guys are sort of together and then not and then seeing someone else and then back together and it's all over the place or something that I experienced is difficulty and inability to get close to someone. So you date for a little while and then you break up. You date for a little while and you break up. I mean, different people. And so you're not single because you're kind of dating. I guess you're sort, you are sort of single but you're not in a relationship and it's complicated. I lived that one for, geez, three years or four years or something in there, maybe more. So now you've identified where you are. Now let me ask you this question. The title of this episode, by the way, I don't know if I said in the beginning is how to Win Valentine's Day. So you might be thinking like, what the hell man? How do I win? Well, let me ask you that question. What would winning if you were to win at your relation, at your relationship, dating life. And that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship, by the way. Maybe for you right now the best thing is to be single, to feel a sense of autonomy and freedom and self reliance and exploration and no one judging what you do. And you could date someone if you want and you could sleep with someone and you want and you're totally free and single. Maybe that's the best thing for you. So I'm not saying to win is to be in a relationship or to be married or something like that. Winning is defined by you and Charlie Sheen. Those are the only people that define winning. But winning. So how, what is winning for you in this area of your life? Take a moment and think about that. In this moment right now. What would winning be? Good. Really think about it because it's important. And then think about what is it that you really want. So maybe winning would be, let's say you're single and you're like desperately, desperately, desperately wanting to be with someone. And it's like to the point where you're in pain about it and also maybe repelling people because you're kind of desperate. Maybe winning would Be to relax a little bit and take care of yourself more and spend some time with friends and, you know, build your own life so that you are excited about your own life, you're passionate about your own life, and that makes you a hell of a lot more attractive to a potential partner. But your ultimate goal of what you really want might be a deep, long lasting love for life relationship. So winning in the short term might be different than what you ultimately want in the long term. So I want you to think about both in the short term. What's something you could do right now that would help you feel better in your situation? And then let's talk about what it is that you really, really want deep down, deep down in your plums, what is it that you really want? And strip away any stories. I mean, I didn't believe it was possible for people to have a relationship. And I had so many relationships that where I would start to date them and then I would freak out because I had a hard time getting close to people. I had so many relationships like that. And then I had this story about, well, if you're in a relationship long term anyway, it starts to suck, that I didn't think it was possible. And then I met Candace, who's my wife, and she was amazing. And I was pretty fast in love with her before she knew it. And when we started to actually get close and date, I talked about that fear of, like, this feels really awesome, but I have basically this fear that all relationships lose their energy over time and basically suck. And then people feel trapped. And she helped me see an alternative. She said, I don't see it that way. And that was really helpful, by the way. If she was like, yeah, you're right, we're fucked, that probably wouldn't have helped, right? But she had a very different perspective. And she said, you know, I actually think that as time goes on, the relationship gets better. And I was like, ooh, tell me more. She says, well, you know, you get to know each other more and more, and this person is endlessly fascinating and endlessly changing and evolving and growing. And you get to watch that change and be a part of it and observe it and be with them on that journey. And I love the sound of that. And I was scared shitless. I didn't think it could work. I was like, okay, I hope that's true. Oh my God. You know, isn't it funny how we can cling on to our old beliefs like relationships are all going to turn to shit. Like, what a, what a terrible Belief. Why would I want that belief? But you know, part of me wanted to hold on to it to stay safe, but another part of me, a bigger part of me, wanted to take a risk to create what I really want in this life. And I hope you do too. So what risk can you take? Well, before. Actually, I'm getting ahead of myself before I ask you that question. I've already asked it. But let me ask you something else. Do you believe you can have whatever it is that you really want? Maybe you want to have an amazing relationship. Maybe you want to have a relationship that's very honest. Maybe you want to have. Maybe you don't want a relationship. Maybe you want to be single and you want to date and you want to feel totally free and enjoy yourself while dating instead of feeling afraid and guilty. I know that was an experience that I hadn't helped a lot of clients with actually, though the. They'll want a date, but then they'll feel so guilty all the time. Like, oh, I'm talking to two people at once. Oh no, oh no, I'm so guilty and bad for doing that. It's like, well, you know, did you have agreements with both those people that you're going to be monogamous and marry them or something? But you know, we can feel so guilty. So maybe what you really want is to feel totally free and enjoy yourself. So whatever it is, do you believe that you can have it? If the answer is yes, then good. If the answer is no, then take a look at that. Why would we want to cling onto a story that tells us that what we really want to have, we can never have? Isn't that a recipe for pain? And yet we do it, and it's our safety police. And if you don't know what I mean when I say safety police, you got to get my book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. I go in super detail into the safety police. Who they are, what they do, why they're in there. So you're going to want to get. You want to check that out and you want to shift those beliefs. But speaking of shifting things, this brings us to our action step. Time for action. Your action step for today is a two parter. Ready real quick. Number one, whatever your status is single in a relationship, it's complicated single and desperate single and ambivalent single and I don't ever want a relationship again. In a relationship. And you have love and passion in a relationship. And there's love but no passion in a relationship. But you're unhappy and you're tormented and you're kind of settling, but you're scared to leave or in a relationship, but you want to get out, but you're scared and you're planning your escape. Or any version of. It's complicated. No matter where you are and what's happening, don't judge yourself. Just stop that. That's the first part of the action step. Just stop judging yourself. Because it's not going to change anything. It's not going to make anything better, and it's not going to enhance your relationship situation. Because when you judge yourself, you criticize yourself, you're abusing yourself. And when you abuse yourself, that does not make you better in relationship. That makes your relationships with yourself and others more toxic. So stop that. Let that go. Accept yourself as you are. It's perfect. Wherever you are right now, this is where you need to be to learn, to get to the next stage. That's the first part. Second part of the action step is to ask yourself this. What risk are you willing to take today to take one step closer to get to where you really want in your dating and relationship life? Because I spent so many years feeling shame about Valentine's Day and, oh, I'm not good enough and comparing and, oh, he's got a girlfriend, and, oh, my aunt asks me why I'm not dating, and I feel like a loser. I'm so. And I was just. It's. It's so low energy. And you know what it is? It's cowardice. Now, I don't say that as an attack on myself or to belittle or berate that younger version of myself. I say that not because people have a confusing idea. They think cowardice is, you know, you're scared of something. But that's not cowardice, because everyone's scared of all. I mean, you're gonna be scared of things for the rest of your life, right? But. And sometimes people think, oh, it's, you know, you're scared of something and you, you know, you're gonna go do it, and you're about to do it, then you stop. That's a coward. No, that's actually fucking brave. I mean, the bravest thing is to obviously go do it, right? But it's also very brave to move towards and to start to confront that fear, even if you can't pull it off that time. What cowardice is, is hiding behind stories and never even testing it, never even stepping up, never even questioning it and just clinging to those bullshit, safe, toxic stories like a blanket. Like a warm blanket. Oh, I'm not good enough. Oh, no one could ever like me. And I stay in that place and I never challenged it. I never took any risks. And guess what? I never had any success. And the moment, the very week that I started taking risks, I started getting different results. And within a couple of months I was getting totally different responses from women. So what risk are you willing to take to take a step towards what you want in your dating life if you're single or if you're in a relationship? Maybe it's the risk to be more honest, to be more direct, to have that uncomfortable conversation that you've been avoiding for weeks, months or years that usually starts with a fight. But you don't stick it out to get to the other side, to actually get to know each other better and be closer together as a result. So you'll find that what that is for you, that risk. Bonus tip. By the way, the best book on relationships, hands down, should write this down. You should read it. I think everyone should read it. Every human should read it as a precursor, as a prerequisite to having a good relationship. It's called after the Honeymoon by Dan Weil. W I L E Dan Weil. After the Honeymoon should get it and read it. It's life changing. That's a bonus bonus action step, by the way. Anyway, before we add more actions to the action step, let's wrap up for today. You're awesome. Thanks for being with me. Have a fantastic Valentine's Day. Love the hell out of yourself, no matter what situation you're in. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.