I Am A Social Person

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Azeez.

Hey, everybody. Welcome to today's episode of the show. I'm Dr. Aziz. And if you want to go deeper and learn more and master your confidence, then you're in the right place. This is the show for you if you want to overcome shyness, social anxiety, self doubt, insecurity, anything that's holding you back from being, well, just comfortable in your own skin and comfortable. Talking to people, connecting to people, reaching out to people, being more social, being confident, really. That's what this show is all about. So thanks for listening. If you want to go deeper, go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and you can get my ebook there, 5 Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. You can learn about the show. You can ask me questions, you can get the show notes, you can read the transcript. I don't know why you'd ever want to do that, but you could. Good. So today we're going to be getting into I Am a Social Person. That's the name of the episode. What do I mean by that? Oh, by the way, I realized something. I was listening back to an episode or two I did a little while back, and I realized that, to be honest, here's what I thought as I was listening to it. I. I was like, man, there's kind of a lot of filler. Like, I feel like I could be distilling this down and making this more direct and to the point. And probably I thought, oh, it's a podcast. It's a show. It's gotta be 30 minutes long. Now I'm realizing, you know what? You're busy. You don't need to spend 30 minutes. What if I could condense this down into 15 or 20 minutes? Wouldn't that be more awesome? Now if that's. You're like, no, I want 15 more minutes of these yammering on. Then send me messages through the site, shrinkforthshyguy.com but otherwise, I'm just gonna go with my gut here and say, look, can I condense this down into more details, less repetitive? Sometimes I feel like I'd repeat the point like four or five times. It's like, dude, we get it. Just move on to the next thing. So that's what we're gonna do with this episode today and probably future episodes. Here we go. I am a social person now when I say that, or better yet, when you hear me say that and you try it on for you, just go ahead and try it on. Right now. Say out loud, I am a social person. Good for real. Say it out loud. Say it like you mean it. I am a social person. Now say it like a Shakespearean actor. I am a social person. Regardless of how you say it, how does it feel when you say it? Does it feel accurate? Does it feel false? Is it sort of in the middle? Like if you could give it a number from 0 to 100%, where 100%, it feels 100% true, like, oh, yeah, that's me. Or 0 is like, not in a million years. I am social. Where do you put yourself? 10%, 50%, 80%. Notice that. And notice if you have other stories that come in that say I'm not a social person. And if so, what feels more true right now, in this moment? Just be honest with yourself. We got to be honest with where we're at. So what feels more true? I am an anxious person. I'm an introverted person. I am a socially anxious person. I'm awkward. I don't like people. I don't like small talk. I don't like interacting. I prefer to be myself. I don't like doing this. I'm not that. What comes up for you. Notice that because that's super important, too, because guess what we're doing right now? We're scratching at your identity. Your identity is how you see yourself, and it's made up of a million and one. I am stories. I am tall. I am a man. I am fat. I am rich. I am poor. I am worthy. I am not worthy. I deserve friends. I don't deserve friends. I deserve an amazing relationship, whatever it is, you know, a bunch of stuff that we. Who we think we are and what we deserve and what we're capable of. It's your identity. This is. We go actually really deep into this in the story chapter of my new book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, which by now, by the time you're listening to this, should be in audible. Oh, yeah. And Kindle and paperback. Go check it out. Leave a review because that would be awesome trying to get to 100 reviews of that book. And so if you feel moved to and want to help me out, help me reach more people, then leave a review. That would be much appreciated. So. And you can learn a lot more about this stuff. This is teaching you something from the book identity stuff. And specifically this identity of I am a social person. So why is this so important? And am I Saying that you should think you're a social person. I don't know. I. I'm going to share some examples of how I think it's very helpful to have that identity. Even though I'm still an introvert, I still don't. I still need time alone to recharge. I need some time away from everybody just by myself. I like long, intimate conversations with one person versus like cocktail parties. But I'm a social person, so I can rock it at a cocktail party and then maybe find someone I love talking to and have a long conversation with them and go deep. So let's look at how this can be extremely valuable in your life for you to feel like you're more of a social person, that you have an ability that you can turn on whenever you want. And this episode is going to be about how to activate that story so it feels more true for you and then how to actually do it. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this. And I'm going to teach you all those things.

Okay, now it's my turn to talk. God, I'm so nervous. What was he saying? Okay, say something. Don't just sit here like an idiot. So what kind of work do you do? Tired of awkward conversations? Ready to master this area once and for all? Get yourself a copy of the confidence code, an all new updated version which teaches you how to maximize your self esteem and master all kinds of social interactions, from introductions to engaging conversations, to jumping into groups. Go to YourConfidenceCode.com now to learn more.

Welcome back. So, my social friend, let's talk about how to make this more of a reality to you and more of what? I mean, so this, tell me about this scenario. If this applies in your life. You go to the store, you're there to get some groceries, you have your headphones in. Maybe, maybe not. But you kind of go about, you know, you go get the items, you park your car, you get out, you go walk around, have your list or not. Go get your very specific items, put them in your little basket or cart. Don't interact with anyone, don't really look at anyone. Maybe you interact with like the butcher or the person behind the deli and you're like, get me this. Thanks. And then you go to the front of the store and the cashier is like, how's it going? Or maybe you choose self checkout, right? To even interact with less people. But maybe you go to the cashier and they're like, hi, how you doing? You're like, good, how are you? Great, thanks. Then you kind of stand there, then you get out, then you go home. And that's like, basically unless you're kind of maybe go to work and you kind of. Maybe you don't initiate interacting with people or. Or you kinda do, or you force yourself to. Or maybe you don't. Right? And all those things might be your reality and you might have reasons for that. I don't feel like it. I'm not comfortable. I'm not a social person, and I do this too. And it's okay. You can be kind of in your own inner world. Like, I just want to listen to my book or my headphones. Forget talking to people today, that's fine. But at the same time, life can be enriched and expanded and made better. And your confidence can grow and your social confidence can increase simply by becoming a slightly more social person and interacting with people and then seeing yourself that way. And why is that helpful? Well, because if you expand these social abilities, you become more likable, you become more charming and charismatic. You become more magnetic to people. You become more attractive to friends, dark dates, relationships, career advancement, jobs, all by turning on that ability. So here's what it might look like if you turned on that ability, that. First things first. It's a mindset thing. Instead of seeing other people as, like, barely existing, like, kind of objects in your way, it's like, there's the cereal boxes, there's the broccoli, there's another human. And we all kind of see them as the same. They're objects. They don't really matter. They're like. It's like a hologram, right? It's like all that. Who cares about that person? I'm me. And we're focused on ourselves and we're at the store, right? Like, me. Either we're focused on the store, maybe if we're being present, or we're focused on, like, we're thinking about some shit in our life. I can't believe I gotta figure that out. Oh, what's gonna happen to Grams? Oh, I can't believe he said that to me. Do you think. Do you think he thinks that I'm not smart? Oh, you know, we're just in our own shit and our own problems and focus on our own stuff and no one else really matters. So the first thing you want to do if you want to become a more social person, is you want to be more aware of other people. Man, everyone's got some shit. They're going through some challenges, some problems, some excitement, some wins. Some victories, some great things about the relationships in their life and some ways that they're hurting, they're stuck, they're lonely, they're frustrated, they're stressed, they're overworked, they're anxious. I mean, it's a whole mixture. Everyone has got stuff going on in their life. No one is superior. No one's got it all figured out. No one's better than you. No one's judging you. They're all just kind of going around, working on life as best as we can and guess what connection feels good. The only reason it doesn't feel good is we're judging ourselves as we do it, or we're judging them. But if we let that go and we just see people as equals, as lovable humans that we can help and share and connect with, then we can just be free to interact with people. And that's what it is to be a social person. So here's an example of that. And I was actually thinking about this. I had a string of days probably where I was, like, not interacting with anyone except for clients and my family, right? But I thought, you know what? I just. I'm not interacting with the world when I go out. Let me turn that on. Just see how that feels. So I went to the store. This was earlier today. My wife and my kid, two kids, they were both asleep. And we walked in, and there's just some people walking out. I just looked at them as they were walking out, and I said, hey there. In fact, I noticed on our whole walk, I was just looking at people and their eyes more. And sometimes people would look back at me and sometimes they wouldn't, and it was fine. It wasn't meant to get something from them. It was just, I want to start interacting with my fellow humans. And, you know, the fascinating thing is if you pay attention to people's eyes and their faces, you will see so much. You can feel people's emotions. In fact, that's one of the things that Sean Stevenson pointed out that Bill Clinton did is, oh, I just realized that was from a bonus episode. I'm referencing something. You don't know what I'm talking about unless you listen to the Ask the Shrink, which. Where I answered this guy's question about if he could be more like Will Smith, and my answer was yes. Anyway, there's a list that Sean Stephenson has in his book called get off youf Butt, which is awesome, by the way. You should totally download it and read it. Listen to it now. Get off youf Butt by Sean Stephenson. And if you don't know who he is, Google him. He's amazing. And he agreed to be a part of my world Confidence Summit, which, which is coming early 2017. So that's super exciting to hang out and talk with him and interview him about his journey to confidence, which is if you know anything about his story, he's an amazing man. Anyway, he worked in the White House, and he observed Bill Clinton closely. And he wrote down 10 things he noticed that Bill Clinton did that made him extremely charming and charismatic and sociable. And one of them was this. He. He seemed to tune into people's emotions around him. He could tell if people were feeling sad or angry. And he would respond to it, he'd react to it. He'd make it part of the conversation. He'd try to help them out. So when we're looking at people as they walk down the street, we can pick up some emotion. You're talking to someone, you could feel something on. You just pay more. You don't have to be like a psychologist or a mind reader, really good at this. It's just a matter of focusing our attention outside of ourselves and on that person. And here's another thing. When we really see other people as complete humans with strengths and challenges and flaws and that they hurt inside and then they feel good inside just like us, then we stop being so scared of them. So when you can see that person, you're looking them in the eyes and you're seeing their face, you're not like, oh, did they think I'm weird? And oh my God, is this okay what I'm doing? And you just. You're not in that space. And people feel that. And so we walk into the store and we're looking at the hot food bar, and there's this super tall African American guy. He's got a Portland Org, Portland State Vikings shirt. He must go to the local university. Big tall guy. And we're both getting samples of one of the meals, some enchiladas that are there. And he's standing right near there. And I go in to stand right near there. And when you start treating people more socially, you're just being more. I am a social person. You just start interacting with people like they were your friends. So if your buddy was standing like, let's say you're at a party and there's the food table, and your buddy's standing there and he's eating something, you know, he's grabbed like a. Some guacamole or something, and you walk up there, what Might you say to him, you might be like, how's the guacamole? Right? Duh. Super basic stuff. But you can do that with total strangers. So I go up there and he's eating something and I see what he's got in his little sampler cup and I'm like, hey, man. He's like, hey. I said, how are the enchiladas? And he's like, oh man, they're good. Spicy though. I was like, oh, cool. So I got my little sample and I had a bite and I sat there. We were just kind of standing there. I don't think we talked for a second. And all of a sudden I was like, damn, wow, those are spicy. And he's like, I know. And I'm like, wow, it sneaks up on you. And we start chatting and he's like, yeah, but you know, I'm like, part Ethiopian, so blah, blah, blah. And I said, oh, wow. So spice, like, this must be nothing for you. And then we started talking about Ethiopian food. And then there's an Ethiopian restaurant he recommended and that was it. There's just this moment of connection. And it was fun and it was easy and it doesn't take energy. Here's the thing, and this came up actually at my event, Supremely Confident Conversation Master, which we do in March each year, and we had it this year in March. And a question that came up, a lot of people said this. It's like, I get drained from social interactions. How do I not get drained from social interactions? And here's the thing, if you're getting drained from social interactions, there's probably something you're doing to make that so. So that means you're probably judging yourself, you're observing yourself, you're striving, you're trying, you're performing, you're. Am I doing it right? I gotta do it better? That makes it tiring and exhausting. So in that moment, you just let it go. Just, hey, how's it going? Interact with that person. So that's what it means to be a more social person. I encourage you to adopt that and to bring that into your life and to share more freely with other people. Ask them questions. If you want to go way deeper. Check out my program, the Confidence Code. Because that program teaches you, if you're listening to that and be like, well, how do you just know what to say? Ah. Or what if he doesn't want to talk to me? Confidence Code helps you, first of all, handle your self esteem stuff. So you like yourself so you don't care if this guy likes you or not. And then you just open free. And it also teaches you how to exactly what to say to start conversations and keep them going and all that stuff. So that could be valuable for you. But the big takeaway here is I am a social person. You want to start to operate in small ways. Just try it out. Just try it out. The next time you're out and about, look at people in the eye, say hi, ask some basic questions, chat with the people here and there. You don't have to sit down and have a five hour conversation with someone unless you really want to. But maybe just a little bit of burst of exchange and notice right after you do it, how did that feel? And if you're anxious or uncomfortable or self critical, what can I do to let that go? Listen to other episodes to help you with that. There's tons in here that can help you with that so that you can actually work through the social anxiety so you can enjoy it. And it's okay if you're a little bit nervous at first when you do this. Just make a habit of it, do it a lot and soon it's going to be remarkable, is you'll see like, wow, I am a social person. I'm able to talk to people and that happens a lot. Actually, I hear this a lot from clients that I work with who are like, I got some feedback the other day from a girlfriend or a friend or someone that just met them even. It's like, wow, you seem really confident or wow, you're really social. And it always surprises them because they still haven't, you know, they're still sort of seeing themselves as like, oh, you know, I'm still me, I'm still not that comfortable and confident yet. But then they get this feedback and I'm like, yeah, I would say the same thing. Seeing how you operate now. So you can be that way too. You can grow. In fact, speaking of growing, that brings us to your action step.

Time for action.

Your action step for today is to just try this out. Try saying, I am more, I am a social person. Try just, if that were true, how would you act? And you're, let's say you go into the store or you're going to work or you're going out for a night on the town, whatever it is. If you just said I am a social person, if this were true, if I like in this moment, I am a social person, what would I do? What would I do here? And then just start acting, start taking those little actions left and right as much as you can, and soon you're. It's gonna become a habit. Soon it's gonna become who you are, and then all the doors open up. Man, in your dating life, that's huge. I used to think, oh, I just have to learn how to talk to women. But you get more skilled if you talk to anyone. Then if a woman's in a group with, like two guys and three girls, you don't have to be like, oh, I'm sorry, I am uncomfortable. I can't talk to men. Right? Talk to anybody. And then I can talk to the woman in the group that I'm interested in. And this is perfect in, of course, your work situation to make better connections, be a better manager, a better leader to tons of stuff. So use this in your life and let me know how it goes. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com, share a message, send a question. I'd love to hear how this particular episode and everything else that you're learning from the show is working for you. You're awesome. You got this. I believe in you. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are. Talk soon.

Thanks for listening to To Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.