I AM BRAVE

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Heyo. Welcome to today's episode. Today I wanted to talk about one thing. Being brave. Brave. That's going to be the focus of today's episode. That's what I want you to walk away with. Feeling and knowing and activating that side of you, that part of you that's already in there, that is brave, that is courageous. Let's talk about that. Let's help you do that because, well, let's start with this. Would your life be better if you were brave or more brave? If you already see yourself as that way, would that enhance your life to have more bravery or more courage? Now, when I ask people this at events or other things, virtually everyone raises their hand and that might be because they're self selecting, they're at one of my events, which is all about confidence and boldness and such. But I believe most people across the world would raise their hand who wouldn't benefit from more courage and more bravery. I'm sure you would too, in your life. So would I. Right? So we're just gonna sit in this area and hang out with this idea of bravery for this entire episode. And I think just doing that is gonna lead to surprising results in your life because it's gonna activate that more in you. In fact, what would that look like if you were more brave? Maybe just a moment ago I said, would you like more bravery, more courage? And you said, yeah, great. What would you do if you were more brave? What comes to your mind? Let's say you had a, you know, an injection of bravery. Boom, right now you got it, you got the bravery pill. It just gave it to you. What would you do? What comes to your mind? Now sometimes we don't even want to examine this because we're like, oh, I know this trick. If you ask me what I'd do if I were brave and I come up with things, then I'm gonna have to go do them. And I don't want to because I'm not brave yet. Or whatever idea we have about ourselves. So maybe that happened for you. Maybe not. Maybe you saw a clear vision of how you'd walk, how you'd stand, how you'd move, how you'd interact, how you'd show up at your work, what kind of work you'd be doing. Maybe you'd change something in your life. Maybe you'd have a tough conversation with someone. Maybe you'd do something else. What would you do if you were more brave? You know, the definition of brave? Because preparation for this episode, I wanted to look it up. Like, what is the actual definition of brave? It's ready to face and endure danger or pain. Ready to face and endure danger or pain. Another one is showing courage. Although the definition of showing courage is kind of, you know, I don't know, it's like an infinite loop because it's like courage and bravery are just synonyms. But that first one I think is really interesting, isn't it? Ready to face and endure danger or pain. That's what bravery is. So my question for you, and this is really interesting because it makes it so accessible, doesn't it? It's not like something you have to go become. I got to go become brave. It's like, are you ready to face and endure danger or pain? That's. And if the answer is yes, then you are brave. And I think this is so great because so many people that I work with are making this. You know, I'm seeing it from the outside and I'm like, you are making tremendous progress. Like, this is incredible watching what you're doing. You know, six months ago when we first met, you wouldn't be doing anything like this. And I'm blown away, and I'm proud of them. And they're kind of like, yeah, yeah, I guess because they're always focused on the next thing, right? Yeah, but I haven't done this yet. And. Yeah, but I'm still afraid of that. And what they don't see is that the willingness to face those discomforts, the willingness to charge in there is what the bravery is. It's not the fact that you have done everything and that you are totally fearless and whatever else idea we have, it's this willingness to go face it. And I love that in face danger or pain. And that's really what this is all about. Right? Because the danger that we would face, what is that for you? If you had this idea of how you'd be if you were more brave, if there's a part of you that's like, oh, I'm scared of that, I don't want to. And let's make it more concrete. Let me give you just some examples in case you see if they resonate with yours. Maybe if you were more brave for me for a long time, if I was more brave, I'd go approach women that I was attracted to. Bravery for me is speaking up in a group of people. Even little things like speaking up when someone having a conversation with one person while someone else might be able to listen to me on the phone or in person. Little things like that took bravery for me. Or bigger things, starting your own business. Brave, right? Selling something, offering something to the world, putting your work out there in some form or another, all of that requires bravery because you have to be able to face danger or pain. So when you think about what it is that you'd want to do, I mean heck you maybe you're already in a relationship having a series of heart to hearts with someone, whether it's a romantic relationship or parent that can take some of the most bravery, the most courage. And what people think is the bravery is in the act of triumph. You do the thing that's so terrifying. Any of those things I listed and sure that's bravery. But what people I work with often fail to see is that bravery is not just the act where you break through and triumph. Bravery is a process. Bravery is being ready and willing to face and endure danger or pain. So let's say for you it's you know, approaching someone and it could be someone you're attracted to, but it could also be someone that's powerful like someone in your company that you're, you're tend to avoid because you think that they're more successful or more powerful or whatever. But let's say you have an opportunity to go speak with them or approach that person and you're about to go do it and you're marshaling your inner resources and your heart starts pounding and you're like okay, here I go, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it. And then you don't. And the moment passes. Now in that moment, most people will do what? Beat themselves up, all that mobilization in their body. It's kind of their fight or flight system starts to activate. Then they don't, it doesn't fire off, they don't fight or flight. In this case I guess the fight would be to go friendly, approach the person, but they don't take action. And so all those Chemicals that are flying through their body, and it all turns into anger and aggression towards themselves. And they're just like, what's wrong with you? It's so stupid. Ah, you suck. You're never gonna get it. And then it can settle into some sort of hopelessness. I'm never gonna do it. And yet I don't see that as an act of cowardice. Right. Because that's the opposite of bravery. Right. Is cowardice. I don't see that as cowardice. That's not true cowardice. Do you want to know what true cowardice is? I will tell you, but first we're going to take a quick break, and when we get back, we're going to continue. I'm going to talk about cowardice. I'm going to also talk about what is the danger, what is the pain that we're ready and willing to face in order to become more brave. So stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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Welcome back. So the opposite of bravery is cowardice. And in that example, I was sharing just a moment ago about someone mobilizing our. You know, we mobilize our energy. We're about to do it, and then we don't. I don't think that's cowardice. A little while back, I was standing on a bridge in Washington Northwest, and there are these huge green trees all around you, kind of towering from way down below. Below the bridge, there's this river. And the river is about 200ft below you. And these trees are starting up there and they go up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. And they're like, you know, still above you. There's just these massive trees all around. And you look down, there's this river and these rocks way down below. And my heart's pounding because I know I'm gonna jump. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. This was a bungee jump. That was the first time I'd ever done anything like that. And I was terrified. I was there with about maybe 10 other guys. They were all in my unstoppable confidence, Mastermind, program. And we're having a weekend retreat, and that was one of the things that we did. I sprung it on them on the bus ride. They didn't know where they were going. And I said, okay, we have an option when we get off this bus to jump off a bridge. And, you know, those who didn't want to do that could zipline, but the guys that were on the bridge, and they wanted to jump off the bridge, too. And so everyone was nervous. Everyone was scared. And we were waiting our turn, and there was this couple that got there before us. There's a guy and a woman, and I guess he had sprung it on her for a surprise date as they were driving that, hey, guess what, honey? Let's go bungee jump. And he was real into it, and she was like, you know, I'm just not that into it. And. But they're out there on the bridge, and, you know, they do all this stuff. They teach you jump school, how to jump. You know, it's actually pretty cool. You have to jump. Like, you can't jump timidly. This is what I love about the. I mean, there's so many metaphors in the bungee jumping that was so good for everyone there, including myself. But you can't bungee jump timidly. You have to, like, boom, like, belly flop, swan dive with your arms out and your chest out, and just, like, jump, fall as far as you can into the abyss. And it is fucking freaky, man. It's like the scariest dose of fear that I've experienced, maybe ever. I can't think of anything else that was that much like, compact, raw, primal fear. And I've done skydiving, I've done ropes courses, stuff like that, because I've had a long, long standing history of, like, I want to build my bravery. I want to do what scares me. I want to be ready to face and endure danger or pain. And that's not just socially. I realized that that's a muscle that we can build in all areas. And so doing physical things that scare me, too, you know, and this goes way back to when I first. I was so terrified of roller coasters when I was a kid, and I first discovered, oh, I can do them and overcome that fear. So we're waiting our turn, and the guy goes. And then this couple. The couple goes first because we're a big group, and they're. Let them go first. So. So the guy jumps off and he's like. He loves it. Goes crazy. And then it's her turn, and they're kind of strapping her up. And the moment before you get strapped up is, like, kind of one of the freakiest moments. Because you know when you're getting strapped in, like, there's no going back now. Like, you already knew there was kind of no going back, but there's really no going back. Like, they're strapping you in. Then you're going to climb over this little railing onto this little platform that's, like, below you is 200ft down, and then rocks and water. And they get you on the platform. And so you imagine this platform. You climb over this little railing. It's about waist height. Get onto the other side of it, onto the platform, and you're facing outwards towards the. Towards the abyss. And they have you raise your arms up, and they say, 1, 2, 3, go. And they do it just like that. Raise your arms, 1, 2, 3, go. And their volume is a little louder, more commanding tone. Because they know that what happens to most people when they get on the edge of that platform is their brain short circuits. Because, you know, somewhere in there, intellectually, we know we're safe. They've been doing bungee jumps at this place for, like, 15 years, and no one's died. Intellectually, we know we're safe. But somewhere primally, like, think about that. Where in your evolutionary history would you be jumping 200ft down? Like you're. I mean, into. Into the water, in the ocean. If you're running from a predator, maybe you survive. I mean, most likely, if you're falling 200ft, you're dying. So somewhere in your brain, it thinks you're gonna die, which is. Which is why it's so awesome. In any case, they say, one, two, three, go. Because they want you to, you know, three second rule, right? Just go do it. Just go do it. That's another powerful metaphor from the. From the bungee jump. Just go do it. Because if you wait there on the edge of the platform, oh, boy. Ooh, deli. I don't know if I want to. You know, if they didn't have that 1, 2, 3, go, they'd probably have a lot of people standing on the platform for a long time before they jumped. You know, so this woman gets over, you know, they're strapping her in. They say, okay, here you go. And she starts to climb over the platform or the railing, gets onto the platform, and then reaches her arms up, but then clings to, like, either side. Of something, grabs onto something, holds on, and they're like, okay, let go. All right, one, two. And then she goes, I can't do it, I want to come back. And they're like, okay, here, let's get Nathan over here, he'll talk to you. And so Nathan is some other guy. I don't know why Nathan's the authority. But Nathan walks on over and he's like. So, you know, clearly he's the guy who's going to maybe talk her down. And he's like, barely opens his mouth, like so. And she's like, I want to come back now. And this is really interesting because she was kind of a little more timid and mild mannered, but like, I think her survival brain kicked in and was like, I'm gonna fucking die and you are not. No one's gonna make me go off this bridge. So they bring her back and this is a really powerful moment because you might look at that and say, oh, that's cowardice. Right? Her boyfriend was brave, he jumped. Anyone else who jumped is brave. That's cowardice. And you can make a case for that, right? But I would actually say what she did was brave. Ready to face and endure danger or pain. Now is getting suited up with the straps and they're clipping you in with this clips and this awareness, this idea, I'm going to jump off this bridge. Do you think she was feeling fear? Oh, you better believe it. I mean, I was feeling raw fear right before they're strapping me and it's so scary. So is she facing pain in that instance? Yes. Then she climbs over. Is that scary? Oh, yeah. I mean, you're climbing over, you're like, it's like rickety. That's not rickety. That's not the word. It feels rickety. Right. It's just, you know, you're climbing over this railing and there's this tiny platform, there's this abyss. It's just. It feels really freaky. And then you're standing on this platform looking down and it's so scary because you know you're gonna fall down. So is she showing courage? Is she showing bravery by doing that? Yes, in my book, yes. And if you see it another way and say, no, that's not brave. Unless you jump, you're gonna set yourself up for. You're not setting yourself up for success in life because you want to be able to see the incremental steps of ready to face and endure danger or pain as bravery. You want to give yourself that credit. You want to give her that credit. You want to give people that credit because if you do, if you see it that way, then you build the identity of bravery. I am brave. It makes it easier to access bravery, to achieve bravery in your own mind. And then if you say, and you know, I am brave, what are you more likely to do? Show up, Behave with bravery. In fact, we're going to talk more about that in just a minute. We're going to take a quick break, and when we get back, we're going to talk about reinforcing and strengthening this identity of bravery. Stay tuned. We'll be right back right after this.

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Hey, welcome back. Are you brave? Just try this out. Say in your mind, or preferably out loud, I am brave. Good. Now say it again out loud. You can. You're like, I don't know, on a dude. Actually, I always put caveats in like this. Do whatever you want, but think about the power you will generate by just saying it out loud. Especially if you're like in a subway or something listening to this with head headphones. Wouldn't that be awesome? That would be in the category of embarrassment inoculation, which would actually build. I mean, that in itself is an act of bravery, isn't it? So you'd reinforce your identity, but go for it. No matter where you are. Just say it out loud. I am brave. Good. Now say it again with. With passion and feeling as an own it. I am brave. Nice. Now what do you notice? Does that feel true to you? Is it true? And whether it's true or feels true or not to you. My next question is, how do you know? How do you know whether you're brave or you're not brave? Now, usually what our mind does is it seeks back into the past and finds references to support it. Well, here's some evidence, because I face that fear there and there and there. That means I'm brave. Well, I didn't at the moment. You know, at the moment of the pulling the trigger or taking the leap, I held back here, here, and here. So therefore, I'm not brave. This is really interesting as I asked this question. The next day during the Mastermind retreat, and this is the day after that, everyone either jumped off a bridge or zipline through trees, which was also apparently really scary. They had to climb on these little. This little bridge that was like a 2x4 wide. Good stuff. I don't know. It gives me great pleasure to terrify others. That was so good, man. I loved it. I loved. There's this one guy in the Mastermind who, when we first met, he's in his second year of the program. When we first met, he was. One of the first assignments I gave him was calling about 10 businesses or restaurants or whatever during the day and asking them their hours of operation and then hanging up. And that was about a six or a seven on the anxiety scale for him. So just social exposure, being on the phone, interacting. So much fear around all that year. About maybe a year and three months later, jumping off a bridge, I mean, and that's just, you know, one area. But, you know, dating and, like, just stepping up and having conversations with big groups of people. Just an amazing guy. But I love that moment of watching him off a bridge. Jump off a bridge, because it's like this. I mean, wow, what a. What a demonstration of raw courage and bravery. So, you know, these guys, A lot of these guys did this, and I asked them the next day, I said I had them do this. I am brave. Say it out loud. Raise your hand if this is true for you. A lot of the guys raised their hand. Some didn't. And you know what? Some didn't that had jumped off a bridge the day before. Are you kidding me? So I asked some of the guys who raised their hand and said, I, you know, yes to I am brave. And I said, how do you know? And they said different things. They shared their references with me. And guess what? One of the references was for one of the guys. Yesterday, I jumped off a bridge, and then I pointed at one of the guys who hadn't raised his hand, who had also jumped. And I said, does that criteria work for you? And he said, no. I said, how come? And he said, well, I have all these other areas where I didn't do it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, so in order for you to be brave, you have to have done it in all of those areas. Some of those areas. He thought about it for a minute and he said, I think in order to see myself as brave, I have to always go in, always face the fear. I said, huh, sounds like a high bar to me. Sounds like in that way then you never allow yourself to see yourself as brave. He's like, no, I don't. I said, interesting. Even though. And this guy, man, this guy had done some like dating boot camp thing where like a pickup artist thing where they, I think it was like fucking six days or something. Something grueling where they would be out like hours a day and hours a night at clubs and just like approaching like, I don't know how many women he approached in those six days. Maybe like, I don't even know, 100 or something. Maybe more, maybe less. For most people, that's pretty intense. Pretty freaking brave. And his identity still wasn't there. And I said, that's so interesting because our identities are self reinforcing. Another way to say that is we kind of operate in line with our identity. We operate in how we see ourselves. So if you see yourself, you say, if you know I am brave, how are you going to tend to behave more often with bravery? And if you see, if you say to yourself, I am not brave, you are more likely going to hesitate, hold back and not do it. It's reinforcing. It just keeps happening again and again and again. So adopting the identity of I am brave is incredibly empowering. And if you know the word brave doesn't stick for you, here are some synonyms I found when I was looking at the definition. These are all fun, by the way. Courageous, valiant, valorous, intrepid, heroic, lion hearted. It's pretty badass. Bold. I like that one. As you know, fearless, gallant, daring, plucky. For some of you it might be plucky, audacious, comma, more. There's probably more I could have clicked on there. Which one of those do you like? Valiant? Is it valiant? Heroic, Lionhearted is just badass. I like that one. I am lion hearted. I have the heart of a lion. I am daring, I am bold. So whatever one sticks out to you, maybe brave is the one for you. Maybe courage. Courageous. I am ready to face and endure danger or pain. And just remember that the danger is what? Social disapproval? Someone not liking you, Someone having a mental judgment in their head. The dangers aren't real. I mean, they're abstract. They're not actually threatening. You can handle everything. You can handle someone disliking you. You can handle someone not liking what you did. You can handle anything. So in the spirit of that, let's talk about what you're going to do. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step for today is to adopt the identity of I am brave, or one of those other synonyms you like. Maybe I am plucky, I am lionhearted. But whatever it is, pick one. I am. And then you're gonna reinforce that. So what you're gonna do is you're gonna write. This is a little writing.

1.

Or you could do this mentally if you're driving. I am brave. And then I want you to come up with 10 reasons why that's already true. From your past. Think back to, you know, it could be from 10 years ago or 20 years ago or two months ago or two days ago, two minutes ago. I am brave. So. Right. I am brave. And then come up with 10 reasons. You know, I know I'm brave because I approached that person one time that I was scared to because I moved to that new city, because I, you know, didn't do what my dad thought I should do, and instead I, you know, chose this direction in my career or whatever it is, or even small stuff. I am brave because I spoke up the other day to share my opinion about blank, and I knew the other person might not like it. Whatever it is. Right. Anytime you faced danger, pain, fear, discomfort. So write out those 10 things. What's reinforcing the identity? Then you want to operate that. You want to remind yourself that multiple times throughout the day. I am brave. I am brave. Before you walk into a social situation in your mind, I am brave. Before you show up to work, I am brave. It repeatedly. Use it like a mantra. Reinforce that identity like crazy. And then, guess what? You're gonna operate like that more often. You're gonna do. You're gonna stay in line with that identity, which is now much better because it's much more empowering. I am brave. I am bold. I am heroic. I am intrepid. I am fearless. I am valiant. I am gallant. I am daring. I am plucky. And of course, I'm also lionhearted, and so are you. So thank you so much for being with me today. Let me know how it goes. Go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com, shrinkforthshy guy, for all things related to the show, show notes, etc. As well as a way to reach out and contact me through that. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.