I Disagree!

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, we're going to talk about disagreement. I disagree with you, sir or madam. Emphatically. Ooh, are we gonna get into it? Are we having a fight right now? I don't know. We're gonna find out what you associate to disagreement. And ultimately, by the end of this episode, though, my goal for you is that you will find more enjoyment in disagreement, or at the very least, more willingness to go into it. But it actually can be fun and interesting if you see it in the right way. And. And even if it doesn't become fun and interesting to you, if it becomes something that you could do when you need to and freely and easily, that in itself would be extremely important and valuable in your life. So you're gonna get a lot from this episode. If you've been getting a lot from this show and you have not already done so, my request would be that you go to itunes, or if you're listening to this in something else like Spotify or wherever you're listening to it, to go to that app or platform and give this show a review. It could be the stars or a written review or both. And that would be very helpful for me reaching more people with this show, because this show is free, and it's designed to find people who are struggling in silence, who maybe are hiding social anxiety. They're not necessarily at the stage where they're completely transforming it yet, and I want to find them to show them this is absolutely possible. And so by sharing the reviews, you're helping spread this to. I mean, there's millions of people that need it. So thank you for doing that. And if you listen to multiple shows and you've done it already, thank you so much. And if you listen to multiple shows and you haven't done it already, my request would be that you pause this now and go do it. Thank you so much. All right, so let's talk about disagree. And you might disagree with that. You might say, no, I disagree with you, sir, on your request. Let me ask you this. Do you disagree? When is the last time that you disagree with somebody? Think about that. What comes to mind. When is the last time you disagree with somebody? Now, follow up question. Did you disagree out loud or just in your own head? Because that's another interesting thing to notice. Oftentimes you'll disagree. You'll probably disagree with someone earlier today or yesterday or whatever, right? You know, because people have ideas and opinions and we should do it this way and perspectives and all that stuff. And you don't agree with everything all the time. But when's the last time you said it? When's the last time you communicated? When's the last time you maybe challenged someone or questioned someone or offer an alternative? And that might be a little further back. Is disagreement a bad word for you? Is it something that you shouldn't do? Is it something that's a sign of disrespect or conflict? Is it dangerous someone going to react to you if you do it? Judge you, dislike you, fire you, see you as disagreeable, see you as hard to be with, High maintenance, unpleasant, rich, wrong, bad. They're maybe just gonna get angry at you, want to end the relationship, end the business engagement. How do you see disagreement? And you might have multiple perspectives on it, right? You might say, oh, I know it's good for me, or I know it's beneficial. And another perspective is like, I don't like it. So then really what matters is which one's driving the bus more often. Because you can intellectually say, yeah, technically in theory, I believe disagreement is useful and human relations, but you don't actually do it. And so then really you're not really living that and you're experiencing the consequences of that. And what are the consequences of never being able to disagree? Well, first things first, it is physically impossible for you to agree with everybody around you all the time. The only way that would occur is if you are a clone of the person. I was going to say, but you know what I mean. Don't we often disagree with ourselves? Don't we have two different parts inside of our heads that say different things that disagree? So not even a clone would agree 100%. And so 100% agreement is false. That means you are hiding an opinion or changing a perspective or deluding yourself into thinking that you don't have any preference or opinion or perspective at all. And the truth is you do. And you might want to disagree More than you do. But there's some fear there, there's some rule there that says don't do that. That's a bad, mean, not nice thing to do. But we want to unlock that, we want to change that. What if you had permission to disagree? What if disagreement wasn't this toxic, wrong, disconnecting action? What if it was a natural, normal, healthy part of relationships, of working together, of family, of anything, any way of being with others? What if you gave yourself more permission right now to disagree, to see it differently? And maybe you already do, right? You're just letting yourself actually see it and feel it. So where, if you started to give yourself just a little bit more permission, forget about how to say it, we'll get to that in just a minute because then maybe that's scary, but. But not the how to do it, but just that you let yourself really experience that perspective. Where would that come up for you right now? Maybe there's some work situation or experience with your partner or with a friend or roommate or housemate or something where you have a different perspective than them and you've not been letting yourself really own it. I used to do this all the time where I'd be talking to somebody and whether it was. I remember there was this guy that I commuted with one time. We, we were both working at the same practicum in our graduate school at One of the VA's veteran affairs clinics in the Bay Area. And it was like a 40 minute drive and we're like, hey. And we both lived in the same part of the town. So I was like, hey, why don't we commute out there? It was twice a week. I was like, sure, why not? And he loved to debate and just talk about. He had opinions about everything, about politics, finance, therapy, which is what we were studying, everything. And he was from New York, I think, somewhere in the east coast. And I was from California. And he had a bit more of a New York tell it like it is kind of style. And I had the too nice guy from west coast style. And it was terrible because he would just spout all these opinions and I disagreed, but I just wasn't very good at debating. And I always told myself, oh, I don't like to debate or I'm above that, or I don't need to do that to prove anything. But the truth is I was just very uncomfortable having an opinion and disagreeing and challenging. And then he would be good at debating and he'd bring up other points and I feel like it was less the Topic. And it was more just the enjoyment of kind of the mental. It's like a chess game or something to him, right of the back and forth. And for me, it felt like we were fighting in the car, you know, And I was like, this is terrible. I gotta get out of here. And so I just would suppress a lot of my opinions. And then it's got more quiet and kind of resentful over time, so. All because of my rules. And I think I also had this idea. It's like, well, I can't disagree with someone if they know more than I do, right? Let's say someone has researched a topic more, so you can't disagree with them. In fact, people will even say that. They'll say, you know, your uninformed opinion doesn't have the same validity as an informed opinion. Have you heard that before? And there's some validity to that, perhaps, like, let's say someone who is really knowledgeable about something. Let's take something that's not charged, like politics or policy or something. Let's take something like mechanics. My car mechanic, you know, my uninformed opinion. I don't even have. I don't even know enough about cars to have an opinion about a car. But my uninformed opinion is not. Does not hold the same. I wouldn't weigh it the same as the mechanic's opinion, right? Let's say. So we had this issue with our air conditioner not that long ago, and it was leaking into the car liquid. I don't know what the hell's going on. So I call him and he's like, oh, I think this is what might be happening. So let's bring it in. I'm gonna check it out. I'm not gonna be like, listen, dude, no, I got my own opinion here, all right? And I think I know what's going on. And it's this. No, I don't know. So I defer to him and his opinion, right? So, sure, there's some validity to that, but it's a slippery slope because people will use that to say, no, my opinion's right and yours is wrong because I know more about it because I've studied it more than you. Now, that's a little murky there, because studying something a lot doesn't necessarily mean that that person's opinion is more valid. Because when people study something, they tend to study more and more of what agrees with their perspective. They have the confirmation bias. They consume information that supports their viewpoints, and then they find evidence to back up their Viewpoints, So they can argue their viewpoints and be right, but it's not necessarily more true. Or sometimes certain things are. There's a lot of gray area. There's a lot of mixed perspectives and multiple opinions and multiple angles to look at it. And someone who's studied it a lot might really know one angle, one perspective, extremely well. But that doesn't mean it's totally right or true for everybody. And you add another layer which is, where are they studying it? Are they studying it online? Are they watching YouTube videos? Have they read a book about it? Who wrote the book? What's the information in the book? And I remember I had this conversation with a family friend of ours who it got heated and it was a family friend and his sister is a well accomplished medical researcher. And so basically anything that she perceives about health and medicine, he just says, well, I defer to her. She knows a lot about this. And I was like, well, I don't know if I necessarily would defer to her and agree to all her perspectives or opinions. He can do whatever he wants, but I'm saying I wouldn't do that. And I challenged some of his perspectives and he was upset and I was like, well, one thing that I know, having gone through higher education around clinical psychology, is that I definitely learned a lot. And there's a lot of indoctrination as well in education. There's a lot of think this way and not that way. I mean, from day one in my graduate program, my doctorate in clinical psychology, it was like, we think like this here and we don't think like this. This is the right way to think about it. This is science. That is hoodoo pseudoscience. That's bad. This is good. Let's break it down for you. What's bad? Now answer this on a test to get an A. Now, what's a bad way to think? What's a good way to. It's very clear and it's very strong. And from the very beginning I was like, wait a minute. But does the bad way produce results? Why is rebirthing terrible? Maybe you can't study it in a lab, or the people that are doing it look like hippies to you or something. But is there validity? Is there some benefit to the people that are doing it? Well, can we learn from that? Because my motto has always been whatever it takes and whatever works. And so I don't just limit myself to what's been proven in a lab. I want to also know what works and why does it work? And what about Spontaneous remissions and near death experiences and all this fringe stuff where people have these radical transformations that fascinates me. That's real. How do we learn from that? So all these outside perspectives that I had made me see the indoctrination pretty clearly. And so now when someone says, well, so and so has been a, you know, is a prestigious owner of this institution that they learned this, this, this, then they got this award and this, that I'm like, okay, that does not mean that their opinion is necessarily exactly right or true or what I should live by. Whether that's. They're accomplished in financial institutions. That, that doesn't mean they know where to invest money best or just because they have all the medical degrees that that's. I should exactly do their treatment because there might be another treatment that is much less invasive, much more effective that I could find out about that they might not even know about or might be against because it challenges their livelihood. So you are entitled to an opinion, even if someone else seems more educated than you. You have a read on a situation. I remember there was a woman I know whose daughter was born with a heart condition, I believe it was. And the doctors in the hospital were basically like, she's going to die. We need to do this operation. And this is on an infant, this is on like a three week old baby. Operate on the baby's heart. And the mother is a, you know, she's a bright woman, she's a lawyer, though she's not a doctor. And she's like, you know, I felt, I felt like something else was possible and I needed to figure it out, I needed to discover it. I, I just knew like my motherly intuition was like, this isn't right. And she got pressured and it was like, you know, you need to do this and you know, do you want your child to die? So she got another opinion. That person said, yes, we need to do this. But she kept exploring and then she found other options. And then she said, what about this and couldn't we do that? She started to discover things and then they were like, no, we can't do that and this and that. And so she had to find a way to persuade and influence and navigate that system. But eventually she was able to not do the surgery. And her daughter survived past this thing that they said she would not survive past. And they did these other approaches because she found it and she discovered it. And now her daughter's in her 20s as a beautiful, bright being in the world, right. So she felt something. Your perspectives, your Opinions, they matter. And this is a dramatic example. But your life has just as many moments that are important to you. Whether it's a work project or how you should spend your time, or what you want to do with a certain family member, or even where you want to go to eat. Being able to challenge or disagree or say no is absolutely essential. And you are entitled to an opinion, to a perspective. And it is good for you to know what that is and good for you to share it and look, you don't need to have it and stand by it. I love to think about perspectives as these fluid, moving, organic, evolving things that you can change, you can interchange, you can upgrade, hopefully your perspective upgrades. Hopefully your perspectives. Now, whatever age you are, cut your age in half. So if you're 40, imagine when you were 20, are there some things that your 40 year old self maybe has a little bit more wisdom around than your 20 year old self? Some things, you know, some things that you could guide better choices now at this age in your life, right? You're probably laughing and smiling and thinking about yourself. You know, just think back when you were 10 years old, would you want to have not changed any perspective since you were 10? You know, are Legos still the coolest thing in the world? Maybe they are, I don't know. But no, you evolve and grow and so can your perspectives and so you don't need to get so attached to them. It's just like, yeah, in this moment, this is the perspective that I'm seeing it through and I can hold another perspective and switch later on, but this is where I'm going to go and this is the one I want to advocate for. And once you have that permission, then you can start to say it and there's different ways to do it. And the how to really comes out of the permission too. Because once you really have permission, you'll find a way to say it. It's not that complicated. So someone says something like, we need to do this, this and that, you say, huh, I have some questions about that, or I'm not sure about that, or that's interesting. I, I see it differently than that. Those are all very simple ways to bring up an alternative perspective. Or I think I see it from a different perspective. Notice how none of those say, you're wrong, idiot. You could disagree with that way. It's a free choose your own adventure, this life. But from a communication perspective, there's probably a more effective way to really collaborate or explore with somebody. Say, no, okay, I'm interested in your Perspective. I have a different perspective and I want to hear more about why you see it that way. So then they share a little more and you say, oh, interesting. Okay, well, how I see it is this. And it's just so much more effective. One thing I recommend sometimes for people just as an exposure exercise, is to actually say the word disagree. Because that feels even more like, oh no, that's too scary, it's a confrontation. But there's ways to say it in a less intense way. Okay, so you think that, huh? I think I have a different perspective. Or you can say, I disagree with that. And here's why. Because the tone, when I coach people on that, you don't have to say like, I disagree. You know, you don't come in swinging. There's a little bit of a softness in the tone. Like, I disagree with that. And here's why. That's just. If you want to throw that in, it's an exposure. Because you're actually practicing saying disagree. Because sometimes people have a phobia and they're avoiding it, in which case I say, great, let's go straight for it. Let's have you say I disagree five times over the next two weeks. And now you can, you're over that fear a little bit now you can start just practicing. Speaking of which, we should talk about that right now, right? Let's talk about your action step. Time for action, action, action. Well, this one's probably gonna be pretty obvious, but your action step is to disagree. To find some opportunity in your work life, your social life, your dating relationship, family, friends. I mean, there's a lot of people around who can you disagree with today. Something small, something big. And just practice it. Put it into your awareness and say, this is something I want to build because it's a muscle. And you start with something small today. Something easy, a base hit. Because there will be times in your life where you need to disagree on something significant, something major, a life changing decision or a medical decision, or family members around a significant thing like taking care of an elderly family member or something, right? Something the health of your children or what school your kids go to, or all kinds of significant events and decisions that involve other people. And you need to be able to share your perspective and disagree and talk it through because that's really what you get to. Disagreement isn't like they say one thing and you say, I disagree. I see it this way and, and we're done. Maybe. But usually it's a dialogue, it's a back and forth, it's an exploration and maybe your perspective is influenced by theirs and vice versa and you come to some clarity or decision together or you're influenced or whatever it is, but it comes from being able to put your perspective on the table. Okay, this is where I'm at right now. It could change, but this is where I'm at right now. This is how I see it now. And now let's really talk in dialogue. So that's what you get to have an opportunity to practice in this action step. Fantastic. Well, thanks for being with me today and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.